[WildChild]

Think about this, he's been shutting you out, you walk on eggshells. Much as you have both been avoiding it, it may be overdue.

[SecretlySad]

Thanks for all your help everyone. Guess I know what I have to do.

[SecretlySad]

I have been seeing my boyfriend for about a year now. He is amazing, so caring and generous. I would not trust anyone to look after me like he does. I completely love him and I want to be with him always. The problem is I don't find him physically attractive. I love to cuddle with him but I can't stand kissing or anything sexual. He just doesn't turn me on at all, no matter what he does and unfortunately he has never been able too. This obviously makes sex extremely painful for me and I keep pretending I am having my period/haven't shaved my legs so that I don't have to do it. But I can't go on like this. I don't understand why I don't find him sexy. I have sexual thoughts about other men and I have really enjoyed sex with previous partners so it's not that I am against sex. He is getting really frustrated by all of this and says he can't live without sex. But there are only so many blowjobs I can give without getting really irritated with it all.

Has anyone else had this problem? Please help.

I am also ashamed to say I am in the same boat as this girl right here, except of course it has been 5 years for me...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Oh honey, spread your wings and fly and don't be afraid.

What was, was. It was a learning experience for you, someone whom you loved once upon a time, now find repuslive in short due to his constant put downs, non-communication, frustrations all taken out on you.

Don't be ashamed, be proud that you have realised all of this and know what you have to do as a result.

CW

[SecretlySad]

It was a learning experience for you, someone whom you loved once upon a time, now find repuslive in short due to his constant put downs, non-communication, frustrations all taken out on you.

Oh my gosh no he never put me down... the shutting down has affected me big time though. I remember the last time we had an argument and he went and shut himself in the bedroom I was sitting alone thinking "is this really my life?". It hurt.

We never discussed that argument either, as usual we just went on with life and pretended it didn't happen.

[caterpillar79]

As much as I would like to tell you to fly like CW does (and so did I in my previous posts). I would like for you to know that the reason he shuts himself down is to avoid any further confrontation, which may lead him to saying some things that would hurt your feelings. I think he loves you enough for him to bottle up his concerns and he's unaware that you are resenting this too.

I am like him when it comes to arguments. I tend to be the one who walks away and shut myself in a room, pity myself, cry and think. The only difference is that, after I am done with that episode, I would be ready to tell my partner and be willing to iron things out. I don't allow issues to linger and make us lose sleep over it as much as possible.

Pretending that it didn't happen is never a good plan to deal with issues, and so is staying in the relationship when you've pretty much have weighed all your options and learned it is of your best interest to walk.

While I am inclined to loyalty even if sexual attraction had worn off, I am also keen on enjoying life together no matter what it brings, hence age, for me is something I would want to consider.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Oh my gosh no he never put me down

"doesn't have time for this sh*t".

Ask yourself, how did that make you feel? Not putting you down? You didn't cowel in a corner somewhere inside yourself?

I have lost count of the amount of times I have apologised to him when I believe I wasn't even in the wrong, just so he would start talking to me again.

And here? Just to get him to talk again with you?

at the end he has told me you either want to be with me, or you don't.

And here? His way, or the highway? Scared you a little, felt un-protected, no where to go, what do you do?

when times are bad I am intimidated by him and very uncomfortable with being completely honest for fear of how he will react

And, so you always felt in-secure, low self esteme, intimidated, un-comfortable, in fear of how he will react.

He isn't willing to change anything for anyone

His way of the highway..........

Yes, he has been putting you down, to the point where you have been walking on egg shells alot. To the point where you haven't felt the desire to be intimate with him, to the point where you can't even hold him, your living off memories of the beginning and how he made you feel like a woman, when you were a girl, yet he has made you feel that you are still under a parental roof, controlling in a very subtle way, in order to keep you...

Whether you believe that or not... He knew from day dot this day would come one day, and the best way to keep a woman who may walk, is to make her feel you are in control, like it or lump it, it is what it is, I won't change or take this , and then make you suffer waiting for him to talk to you again.

Control..

You don't have to agree with me and I'm not being nasty, it's a fear on his behalf, and I am sure he has treated you otherwise, beautiful.. but he has also had you walking on egg shells for a long time.

CW

[SecretlySad]

As much as I would like to tell you to fly like CW does (and so did I in my previous posts). I would like for you to know that the reason he shuts himself down is to avoid any further confrontation, which may lead him to saying some things that would hurt your feelings. I think he loves you enough for him to bottle up his concerns and he's unaware that you are resenting this too.

Thanks caterpillar.

I would completely understand if after he has his time to himself, he would come out and then we could discuss it - but this never happens. On the odd occasion that he does, the time to himself has obviously done nothing as he is still hostile and rude to me (e.g. rolls his eyes when I say something he doesn't agree with etc). I feel like I am always in the wrong, always the one saying sorry first. Either that, or we just never talk about it again. I am too scared to bring it up for fear of his "I don't want to talk about it", "I have to get up early in the morning" excuses.

Once we had an argument and it went on for 2 days - 2 days! I tell you when you live with someone who isn't talking to you for 2 whole days, it's harder than you think. Finally I had to make the first move (as always) and ask what was wrong. He told me he didn't think I was treating him right anymore. Why he couldn't just come to me and say "honey there is something I want to talk to you about" instead of torturing me for 2 days, I don't know.

Yes, he has been putting you down, to the point where you have been walking on egg shells alot. To the point where you haven't felt the desire to be intimate with him, to the point where you can't even hold him, your living off memories of the beginning and how he made you feel like a woman, when you were a girl, yet he has made you feel that you are still under a parental roof, controlling in a very subtle way, in order to keep you...

I know. As much as I hate to admit it I do know, and I DO agree with you... I guess I am in denial and having a lot of trouble accepting it because 99% of the time things are magical between us. I think meh, what's one fight in 10 good times? I'll get over it. Yeah not too easy

Boy I wish I could change the title of this thread... it appears my relationship has a lot more troubles than just our ages...

[caterpillar79]

What does he do for a living if I may ask? Reason being is that, I once experienced living with a man 13 years older than I am. He tends to show similar coping mechanisms as your partner's when it come to conflicts. This man I am telling you though has PTSD - he's a Iraq veteran and has issues on stooping down and admitting mistakes.

You must do what is best for you. He will survive this in the long run. You have what it takes to be happy - do it.

[SecretlySad]

Cat he is a courier. He served in the army for 3 years when he was in his 20's.

Do you guys think... I know it sounds silly but do you think listing someones pros and cons helps?