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I'm a mistress

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  • I'm a mistress

    I understand there may be a lot of judgments going into this thread and I'm prepared for that. Just wanted to try to tell my story and see if there are others out there like me.
    O.K. So I guess I'll be typical and start by saying I never meant for this to happen and nor did he. I've known him for years and I've known his family as he has known mine. This started about 5 months ago. Not sure what to call it. He says girlfriend I say a ticking time bomb. Which I keep letting tick away. Anyway as I said our families are close and we are around each other constantly. It was February when it all started...it was crazy at first, I had had feeling for him for almost a year, but I didn't say anything. He said he had been having feeling for me for a while too. Anyway...we grew closer. You know the story one thing lead to another. And eventually we crossed the line. After doing so we couldn't uncross it. When this first started I told myself I wouldn't get attached. And we were hot and heavy at first. Things seemed great. He told me he loved me after a week. I didn't say it back...I was still playing the whole I'm not going to let myself fall for this thing...But secretly it was like I was in some kind of dream land. Like I said things were great at first, we were on instant messenger for hours every night we weren't together. And the nights we were together we just completely about us. I was in total bliss. And I fell. I fell soo hard...we were about 2 1/2 weeks in and he had come to see me before work. As he was leaving he said i love you and i said I love you too as he was walking out the door, he came back in and totally flipped. He held me and asked what had I just said and I again told him I love him. The look in his eyes when he went off work that day was amazing. No body had ever made me feel like that before. Not to mention the sex was incredible. We would I.M. all day while we were working and we never stopped we always had something to talk about. I was completely comfortable with him. I actually had trust for him. Which never in my life had I ever trusted a male. ********, I had never trusted anyone!! Especially not the way I trusted or even trust him. Anyway, things were great until maybe 2 1/2 months. Things between us were off in my eyes. Less sex, less I.M.ing, I thought maybe he was trying to fix things with his wife. Which I was totally understanding of. So I confronted him about it. And asked him if he wanted to end things and make his home life work. He said he wants me, but things are complicated. Which they really are...he also has a daughter with her. She isn't the most stable person, financially she is very stable and does well for herself and her family, but emotionally she isn't. He says he wouldn't be able to stomach the times she had there child and he didn't. And I honestly don't think he would be financially stable enough to live take care of himself and his kid. And I NEVER said or would say anything about him leaving her and his family. I encourage him to just do what he sees fit. I honestly don't think I would be with him if he did decide to leave. I mean at one point they were great too. And that died so whats to say history wouldn't repeat itself. IT WOULD!! Anyway, confronted him, but things went on he stepped up his game a little things were nice...He is the sweetest guy ever. Anyway, we were at a party and he was with her as usual at gatherings that we both end up at. And it doesn't usually bother me to see them together, because i always felt kind of reassured some how, but this time hit me hard! We weren't talking on messenger at night anymore. Figured they were sleeping together. Which before he was on the couch, but she started to complain about that so...i wasn't sure at first...Then he came over after the gym one night and I found a letter written to her while he was in the bathroom...it was sticking out of his gym bag and it said he name...i had to...So I did when he went to the bathroom. It brought me to tears. It said how he wanted to make things work bring back what they used to have a bunch of ******** and memories between the two of them...And sounds stupid but had a line in it from that movie beastly...which hit me hard cause we had watched that movie together shortly before...Anyway, when he was out of the bathroom I had told him he had to leave cause I wasn't feeling well, he offered to stay and take care of me...I said no I don't want you to see me like this. I don't believe in talking about something like that in the heat of the moment...would of went badly if i talked to him while i was that heated up...so I took the night to think and then I talked to him about it on messenger the next day...calmly...meaning i was in tears, but we weren't in person so as far as he knew i was completely calm. We talked he told me about it...this, that, blah blah, so on. I told him that I couldn't do it anymore and that he should really focus on making his family work. Well, I was heart broken, but i managed to stay off of messenger. Then we ran into each other at the grocery store. And it was like my heart shattered at the sight of him, but i held it in. He said he missed me and that this was eating him up inside. So I agreed to a talk...You know where that ended up...me as my week self right back in his arms. Though really he always went back to hers...he was always there at her feet...but she never saw him as good enough, not just saying this and not knowing the story...its true. And most of what she wanted and complained about was sex...so i told him we would stop having sex and that he should make her happy. Anyway he said he couldn't with her, that he even tried to think of me, but it just wasn't happening. And he wasn't lying. I wouldn't say his wife and i are friends but I guess I was there at a time of need cause it was the funniest conversation ever (sounds bad, but you would laugh)...story is...we bumped into each other at Starbucks and we talked and she was saying how her marriage was failing and talking about how there love slowly died and they hadn't had sex in months...So that proved he wasn't lying, but sad thing was I was experiencing everything she was going threw. But I still couldn't end thing. Things went on...things lessened slowly. Then he said how his wife suspected something and we couldn't do it anymore...I said ok. Have a nice life...I was hurt, but I was angry...not at him, but at myself for everything. I couldn't even convince myself to be angry with him...Anyway I was on messenger with an old friend of mine and he saw I was online and he messaged me...my heart dropped when it popped up hi...I told myself to ignore it, but how could I...I mean we were friends before all this...so I answered it...we talked...for a long time...And you know how this goes...we got back together...Things were hot and heavy again, but things died down again, i just thought maybe I was getting boring, or wasn't good enough. Used to be he would light up at the sight of me and shower me with compliments, but now its almost like he doesn't care...He says he does...but says he just goes home and ends up miserable so whats the point...I'm not sure what to think...I feel like an idiot and like I'm not good enough. I know I should just stop all of this, but its so hard to let go. When I'm with him...I'm in complete bliss and think of nothing else. But whenever we aren't together my mind goes a million miles an hour. And I try not to be that jealous girlfriend type...and I don't want to stress him out over stupid ********. Especially since we would NEVER work anyway. I just don't know why I'm holding on soo tightly.
    Last edited by Stereohearts; 06-11-2012, 10:20 PM.

  • You are always playing second fiddle. For this relationship to work out, your SO should have some times set aside that is just for you, not what is left over.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


    • Thanks for your response. I appreciate your advice...


      • Hi Stereohearts, welcome to WH

        You know back in 2008, we stayed with a lady here, for months upon months in the same situation.. Justme... You should be able to find the thread if you put it up the top in the search engine. She is married now Really happy, treated like a princess and not to the guy she was a mistress to..

        We have another lady who is lovely who has stayed with us, and we helped her too, including through the anger.. I am sure she will be writing on this thread by tomorrow

        Mostly, we get lost in ourselves. And, lonely. It can cause us to mis-judge our instincts and we all know that messing with a married person is never going to work.

        For him ? He probably was sleeping on the couch for so long.. It's appealing to be wanted isn't it? To have someone attracted to you ? That was what happened to him. Off course it's hot and heavy.. But ultimately, as you have noted, he wants his wife, he always did and he will fight for it.. The novelty of lust wears off, then comes the guilt and in that guilt, comes the trying to work it out.. Men sometimes think with their ********, but don't think that they don't have emotions. When they are not being loved, not respected, not told they are wanted, off course they have emotions that need to be filled to, not just sex. You did that.

        Why are you there? Because a woman can not have sex with a man without feeling something, there was an attraction. He felt grand and wanted it to continue and truly probably felt yay, finally I am loved, wanted and spoke the words, that makes a woman fall instantly.. And then comes familierality.. Comfort zone. Could I find anyone else, I'm not worth it, I love him, radaradarada.

        It means you don't love your self enough to be assertive and get out there and get what you want in life, instead of taking, settling for what is there in front of you to start with.

        Oh and we don't judge on this Forum.

        Time to leave sweet, and work on you.. What you want, put it out there, shout it out there and wait for it to happen and enjoy having someone sleep next to you every night of the week.



        • CW,
          Thank you so much for your response. I found the posts from back in 2008. And reading threw it all and it was amazing. These women are so strong and amazing. There words have helped me. I've know it isn't going to work out, but it seems to have gotten harder to grasp. I know he would fight for her and their family. I know i'm probably just filling an empty void. I understand these things, but why can't I just stop, leave, call it quits?? Thats brings the question why am I here? I could go on and on about how amazing of a guy he is. How wonderful and caring, but I think the honest truth of why I'm here and put myself in this situation is about me. That's something I have to figure out. I mean who the ******** would do this to themselves? The constant flip flopping and hurt. I feel like a complete idiot, and an even bigger idiot for not being able to walk away. I've put so much into nothing. Thats what this is...nothing. If I walk away...its as if nothing ever happen...i'll be faded in his memory as he lives on with his family, and the only thing I will have is the hurt. But I need to stop, I need to let this die. I need help with the walking and STAYING away.


          • I believe CW knows me well , after 2 plus years here .. So Here I am as she Predicted.
            So as not to repeat a Very long Story, when you get a chance , if you haven't already, go back to May of 2010 ( i think ) and I was the " I'm a Part Time Mistress **.

            Though there are differences between you & I . I didn't know him, his ,wife or family, in any personal settings, wasn't Friends with his wife, have never run into or met her, met his son a few times, in my Store I work at. it's an Auto Parts Store, that's how " John " and I met .

            "John" never came to my home nor me his, we never went out anywhere, other than Trips to The Forrest or the lake or river, ones that were close so he wasn't away from home or work long. I never got to " Make Love or have Full Sex ", even though we tried. He was Impotent, but blamed it on his not being able to cheat on his wife. Of his Guilt of trying to cheat.
            But, I know the truth, he just can't get it to stay up .. lol But that still had nothing to do with my feelings of Love I had for him. I was his Friend, his Confident, his Shoulder to " cry " on.

            We started out Friends, got closer, I never asked him to leave his wife, I tried so hard to get him to fix things with her. Giving him Advise, like counseling, like getting her help for her Alcoholism and her going through Menopause and her addiction to pain pills for her Fibro myalgia . we were " together 1 year" if you could call it that. We tried to stop seeing each other, I backed out several times, telling him to work on his marriage with her. But somehow, we always reconnected..

            Our reconnection, was always by Text. A "How ya doing ? " Usually turned into the Convo , I miss you's, the negatives of his wife,and the can we meet & Talk on Saturday. or whatever day off we had together . Then almost 1 year into the Affair, his wife was leaving for 4 or 5 days. He/ We made plans to spend the weekend together, out of town, where no one knew us . WE had a pre weekend date the night she left, went to the waterfront, shared a small bottle of wine, Talked of course, kissed a few times, then I had to go Tinkle. No restrooms, so I went to the bushes. Then, most likely from the buzz of the 2 1/2 glasses of wine, I went and sat on the rocks, he was in the car . I smoked a Cigarette, and was just looking out at the water and the moon and the waves. And wondered what I was doing . Went back to the car, we drove home in silence. Later after he dropped me home, I texted him what time in the morning. And he said, we can't go. He can't abide my Smoking, even though he knew I smoked all this time. He just can cheat on his wife.

            Yep I was Dumped, and it hurt. And that hurt grew into anger. I came here, seeking help, seeking to tell my Story and how I felt and have people, not Judge me. I took the Bad with the Good here. Yes I was " Judged ", but not as a Mistress, but as a Woman, that deserved better than I was getting. of a woman who knows I should make better choices for myself. There were some Harsh, Home hitting words in all of those posts and Questions. Many I did not want to hear . Because they were Truth.

            I tried to defend, my feelings and actions, I tried to not " hear " what they were saying. But They ( WH Women ) Won that battle, with their Love and Concern and Wisdom and Advise and Chastising and all that went with their giving me the Help, I came to seek.

            So "lil Mistress ".. Here are some Tips .
            1)Block his Cell or Change your #, If you can't ignore them on your own. I never blocked his, don't know how, but did Delete his #, so I couldn't just text him first. It was hard. When you are used to texting and having so much in common and telling him, how your day went or who Pizzed you off ** work. And starting your day off with Morning sweetie or Goodnight Honey, Wet dreams of me .. Kinda stuff .

            2) He didn't have facebook , but had Yahoo messenger & Skype. I took his info off of mine. Those I could block.

            3) this is silly and not real good Advice, but when I thought of him and longed for his text or wondered if he was thinking of me. I lit a cigarette ASAP, and with every Drag, I was, in my mind, thinking, So everything was perfect about me, but my Smoking Huh ? And I'd pretend to blow smoke in his face .. lol Told ya it was Silly.
            So find one thing that irritates you about him ( nothing to do with you or your Relationship or his wife ) But something that he does that you passed over about him, because of your " Love " for him .

            4) As it was told to me, I will tell to you.. You are much more Valuable than being 2nd Best, or an Extra or a Booty Call. He belongs to another woman, he is not yours, It is stealing to attempt to take something that is not yours.

            5) You know it will never work with him, even if he was Free and Divorced his wife. He would do the Same to you most likely. You would spend every hour he was away from you. wondering if he is Cheating.

            6) You may want to strike back at him, tell his wife, Hurt him like he has hurt you . DONT !! It will only hurt you more in the long run. His wife will find out who he really is. She may already know , ( not so much about you & Him ) but she knows something is not right . Don't Twist the knife that he has already stabbed in her back.

            7) Keep busy with others, other things, avoid at all costs " get together s " that he may be at . Just find other things to do with other people.

            8) Forgive yourself, accept, as it seems you have, that you did wrong. We both did wrong. We know it. So lets not repeat something we know is wrong. Bring your Integrity and trust as a good Woman, back into the forefront of your being. You will find someone for You, that You Deserve, but you also must make yourself " Deserving " for them to Love. And that starts with yourself .. If you can't Trust and Respect yourself, you cannot expect others to .

            **** I am Here if you ever need to talk. I don't post my Personal info here, But I give CW permission to pass on my Yahoo or FB Addy to you in PM, should you need it . I Trust Her with all my Soul, so you can trust her also. But you will have to put Mistress or something in the Subject box. I delete Spamazoids lol


            • Your funny BG (hugs)

              I think that the reason you haven't left yet is pride. Feeling that you are nothing, the last thing you think you can handle is really feeling like you are nothing, bang, the end, so you are hanging on until you can walk that type rope easily and with pride that you were strong enough, brave enough to do it.

              Don't you think?

              I'm glad you found that thread, read BG's as well... and stay with us.. You need people to be besides you over this, and you have them, here.

              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!


              • Listen to these ladies stereo. Ya gotta get out. We know it, you know it....now ya just gotta do it. You're hanging on to something that isn't real, you're hanging to what you WANT, not what you truly have. If you were looking at what you TRULY have, you'd already be gone. It's a challenge, you want to win...and anything other than "winning" him will leave you feeling rejected and feeling like you lost the love of your life. I think that's human nature. But you will have to talk yourself through it and rely on close friends and unbiased sources (like us!) to help you through it. You just have to accept reality....decide you want more than that, and make a change.
                "Be what you're looking for."


                • I read your thread from 2010. Got me thinking a lot. It has helped. Thank you. Your story is wonderful and helped me a lot. Though very different from mine a lot of the emotions and thought we have had are very similar. I am in my mid twenties and he in his mid thirties. He has been married for 3 years. Whole smoking thing is such b.s. I'm sorry he did that.
                  We have tried on many occasions to stop this. We live 2 block away from each other. We have all the same friends. Our families are constantly together. We shop at the same stores. It is hard to get away from it. But I though it is hard do not make contact with him when we end things. But when I get that email or I.M. My heart drops and I'm done. I respond and things go on again.

                  1)We do not text or call, as his wife checks who he has contact with.
                  2) I have Hotmail messenger that we talk on which I shut off when we end things, but he still has my email, which is impossible for me to change cause its the one I use for work, family, friends and my whole life.
                  3)That would work for me...I actually quit smoking for him...Its probably best and I dont really want to start back up cause it was almost impossible to quit and I still have a cigg every once in a while when we're not talking or things aren't so good.
                  4) I appreciate this advice, may be hard to digest. And I am not trying to take him from his wife or family...I encourage him constantly to try to fix things.
                  5)Totally true. I even wonder this know...Well, someone other than his wife...and I. lol. Stupid, but my mind is constantly going million miles an hour.
                  6)NEVER!! I completely understand this...I could never do that to there family, to him, to myself...that would seriously just ******** me over sooo bad!! And not to mention i'm in this as much as anyone so why punish anyone else for my choices.
                  7)This one would be hard, but manageable. We were close before this, we've ruined everything. If I stop all connections with him I wont just lose my love, but my very best friend.
                  8)This will be the hardest. How do I go on? Honestly? When we broke things off last time, I wasnt angry with him, I couldnt be, but I was angry with myself. And I dont even feel like I deserve him, if I did he would be mine.

                  Thank you for your advise and I would love to talk to you outside this thread.


                  • CW,
                    What you say is true. Though pathetic on my part. Your right.
                    Question is...How do I overcome it??
                    I also read BG's thread...it helped alot.
                    I'm soo lost at what to do.


                    • I know I have to end this. I'm living in this dream world. And I don't know how to let go. I will still feel miserable even if I did as you say..."win". But i'm not looking to win. This isnt a game. And I honestly, as I said don't think I would be with him even if circumstances were different. The rejection is constant with or without him, we could spent an amazing weekend together and I'll feel rejected, when we have sex...was he even thinking about me, when he leaves...will he even miss me. Am I anything to him or just a young exciting piece of ******. If i'm thinking all this why is it soo hard to leave him??? It's like when I try to talk to him I don't tell him how I feel cause I dont want to be the one causing him stress, dont want to be the one he thinks is clingy and annoying. No one knows about us...my friend suspects, but I havent told anyone, thats why i'm here...I couldnt keep this inside anymore, and I need help on coming to grips with ending things...For good this time!

                      Thanks for your response!


                      • We do not text or call, as his wife checks who he has contact with.
                        So she knows, or suspects?

                        You gave up smoking for him ? YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC by the way, don't ever say that again... How many mistakes to people make in life? Mmmmm? It's why we made that mistake. Think back, what were you missing? Animal instict is hot what can you do, attraction is attraction, it's natural to lust, it's how you use that thought, and act or not act on it, bringing back to what were you missing?

                        This is hard that you can't really move. But, not so, if you make it perfectly clear that you are in your mid 20's... You have a whole life ahead of you, marriage, children, he has a marriage (does he have kids?), so he is stopping you from living.

                        He needs to realise that and be a MAN and let you go. You need to realise it's all out there for you and once you meet someone else and fall in love, he will be a memory a good one, but a memory and you will question things, call him user, all soughts of things as it all becomes apparent.

                        Tell me, Ms Mistress About you.. Who are you, what do you like, what type of job do you do, when do you go out (bet you say never)...

                        Let's start there sweet.

                        Thanks for sticking with us ...
                        PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!


                        • A couple of other things here Lil Missy, Sorry about not calling you Mistress, it doesn't fit you, now that you are seeking help. I used to be His Baby Girl, but once I accepted I didn't want to be " HIS " They were nice enough to let me change my Nickname here to just Baby Girl . I'm ok with that as My Daddy used to call me Baby Girl, and I don't think of "John " when I see it ( as me ) .

                          This is really weird, your coming here at this time. I have been working on updating my "relationship " with John, what has happened since last year when he contacted me after 1 year of not Talking to each other. That is another story I posted, and again was helped by all the Wonderful People here at WH . I will Update later on this . There is a Semi~Shocking Outcome .. But that is for another Time ..

                          But to help you a bit ...Firstly, it was Very hard, to not contact or think of him. Remember, it wasn't all Sex, with us. I was his Confidant, He was mine.. He was my best Male friend. We had the same political, beliefs. we loved Nature, we shared our day to day, trials and laughter. I missed that so much at first, every time I saw a dark grey Ford F250 on the road, I'd hope it was him, just a Glimpse of his kind of Truck, would bring him to mind, just the sound of a Diesel truck, would have you turning my head.

                          It took awhile. A long While . With you living in the same neighborhood, it sure makes it much harder than what I had to go through. Not sure how I would have handled that. Possibly seeing him with his wife. She already accused him of Cheating anyway, because he slept on the Couch.. like you guy does/Did.

                          ****** Note ****** That is a Mans normal thing to say to us " Other Woman " My wife doesn't understand me, she won't give me Sex, we are Basically Roommates ,.. Yep Honey , I've heard it all . ******

                          But with you .. Your Friend Suspects, His wife checks his phone calls. She has a gut feeling already. I believe she said something to you about them not getting along and their Marriage was failing ? Well Honey, she knows, she may not know it's you, but she Knows he's not Faithful, deep in her Heart.

                          To help you with this decision, to Stop this Affair and start to respect yourself again. Lets do a Scenario.
                          You and he continue to sneak around. You get Caught, It is found out. How will you live with the fact that She knows, The whole neighborhood knows,All of the people at the Stores you shop at Know. What is going to happen ? You will be talked about, Gossiped about, shunned by your Neighbors and Friends .

                          This is Not Desperate Housewives and Wisteria Lane. This is Real Life in a Real Neighborhood. All the neighbor lady's are going to Avoid you, Most will hate you, even if they don't like his Wife much, they will sympathies with her . They will think that their Husbands might be next on your list. Their Husbands are going to think you are Easy. Their Kids won't be able to play with your kids ( if you have any )..

                          Will you be able to hold your head up high and look all of them in the eyes and act like you are a " Good Woman , a Trustworthy Woman ".

                          Even if he did leave her and end up with you, not saying that is what you want. But who will he turn to , if she finds out ? Most likely You , because he knows he can Control your feelings for him.. " Baby, you are all I have, I Need you , I Love you " You will fall for it, you already do. There you will be, 2nd Best, 2nd Choice, and if you do get together, in the back of your mind, will be knowing he cannot be faithful.
                          Or he may Turn on you, make you the Seducer, make it all your fault. After all when a Woman throws herself at a Man ,men can claim to be " weak " and a Sexual Being , Ask for her Forgiveness ..

                          Now Think about this ...If he truly Loved you, he would Divorce her First, stop the affair, and go through the Divorce, because he can't be married to her, because he Doesn't love her anymore . He would do this not for you, but for him & her, end their Suffering. Then after a decent amount of Time, he could court you and Be with you. But not in the same neighborhood. That just wouldn't work out. As Tongues would Wag for sure .

                          He is Not going to Leave her on his own, or he would already have done so. You know this. Again, I'm not saying this is what you want. But just as he thinks he can have you & his Wife, what makes you think it is ok , with you to have Someone else's Husband. What makes you think that you cannot find a Man of your own ? One who doesn't have to go home to someone else after being with you ?
                          You are already having those thoughts . You know the Answer. You Deserve and Need and Want someone to love you and only you. It's time to let go of what is not Yours and Find someone who is Yours. Where you won't have to Sneak, Hide, and feel Guilt . Someone you can walk down your neighborhood with, hand in hand, with Pride and Love and a Belonging, someone to go to neighborhood functions with and be a Happy Couple.

                          You can Stop this Affair.. You and Only you can Stop this. He can't, he hasn't the Strength or Willpower, because , why should he, when he can Have You & Her. You can't take back what is Done already. but you can stop it from happening again. This is in your hands, not His. You have to be the Strong One. You aren't losing him, he was never Yours to begin with. Now it's time to decide, are you going to help Destroy his family, help break up his marriage. Help him become a Piranha in his Neighborhood and Ruin Your life too ?

                          Notice I said Help him, this is on him as much as you. But You are the one, that has to say NO !! You are the one who has to tell him , Go back to your Wife. I am not going to Continue this. I am Not Available to You. I am moving on and going to Respect Myself, be Proud of Myself, and Someday Find someone I don't have to Hide and Sneak around with. Become someone I don't have to be Ashamed of Being .

                          Do I sound Harsh ? Probably so, Why ? Because you are on the Fence of making a Decision, of Ending this, you just need a little push over the fence. Try the, Reverse situation, It's your Hubby , your Neighbor, sneaking around. How would you feel ? If she is even a partial Friend to you . Don't help crush her World or the family's World . Let him do that by himself .

                          I'm here for you, I'll do my best to help you through this . Everyone here will help you ,like they did me.. And someday you will help the Next " Mistress ".


                          • She suspects, because they now longer are intimate. Which they weren't intimate before the 2 of us were anything more then friends and we stopped having sex, because I told him I didn't just want to be a piece of ******. She is not a very nice woman. She is mean to her children and treats him like a house **********. She works a lot. He cooks, cleans, works, and takes care of his daughter (16 months) and his step daughter who is 16. He told her he didnt find her attractive because of the way she acts. She told him to leave and not stay because of there daughter. But he can't stomach the nights he would not have his daughter. He also doesn't want to leave his step-daughter to live with her alone. He says that she punishes her step-daughter for looking like her father. And that she never gets to leave the house because of the mothers lack of trust of people. His step daughter and I get along and she tells me things that go on and I understand why he would be scared to leave his daughter there with her.
                            Yes, I did quit smoking for him. What was I missing??? Good question. But to tell you the truth i'm not sure. Some family stuff was going on, but thats constant...nothing new.
                            I know, I'm young and have a long way ahead of me. That makes this no easier. And I have no trust for anyone. Especially not for men, because of the past, but for some reason I have this trust with him. I guess that's another thing that makes this so hard. Maybe thats something I had mistaken for being more...I made this trust I had of a guy into a huge deal. I'm not sure what I was exactly thinking...

                            Who am I? Hard question, not sure I know...I know what others think or say about who I am, but no one really knows me. I'm out going, but keep things to myself...I am caring and over-protective. I hold on to the past, but dont let others know. I'm confused...I need to find myself. But i'm almost scared of what i'll find...if that makes any sense at all.

                            What do I like? I love to read, admire art, i'm a huge nature person, I scrapbook, Draw, I like to design and make clothes, but not very good at it.

                            My job? I work at a daycare, I absolutely love my job. Kids are my life! I have always loved to help and take care of kids.

                            And you guessed it I pretty much never go out, except to the gym. I wake up, go to work, come home, go to the gym, back home, eat, read...bed. Weekends I am usually in the yard, or reading.


                            • Well firstly. If you are out-going, and you love. Because you do, you love your kids, you love your hobbies, you love the gym, then you have to open more doors for yourself and get out more and see the world. If you are frightened it's possible that's because you keep yourself confined to the house. I am guessing, you are doing this out of loyalty for him, but you know that he isn't sleeping on the couch anymore, so you have to do this for you.

                              I also think that you had a bad relationship, you mention non-trust for men. And, yet this felt "safe" if that makes sense. To you, at the beginning, there was nothing to fear after all, he's married. I don't think people understand the emotions that are attached once sex comes into play, with someone. You trust him because he poors his heart out to you over his "children" and you love children and you are over-protective. I think every married man that has an affair does this, poors his heart out and the person on the receiving end, always, always, feels "heart breaking" for him.

                              I think that you have a fear of relationships, due to the non-trust. And, you have to master this. It's nature unfortunately for a majority of people to cheat on the other person. Look at yourself. You entered someone's life and thought, pftttt, so what he's married, he's not happy. All it takes is for someone to flash their eyes etc At a guy, he'll either do the deed, can't help himself, or he'll back off and go whoa, I am in a relationship.

                              What I want you to understand is "honestly" they exist. The non-cheaters, they really do. But you have to love you first, and walk that air, knowing who you are, what you want out of life, before the right type of people enter our life, or else you'll settle.
                              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!



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