[Stereohearts]

I understand there may be a lot of judgments going into this thread and I'm prepared for that. Just wanted to try to tell my story and see if there are others out there like me.
O.K. So I guess I'll be typical and start by saying I never meant for this to happen and nor did he. I've known him for years and I've known his family as he has known mine. This started about 5 months ago. Not sure what to call it. He says girlfriend I say a ticking time bomb. Which I keep letting tick away. Anyway as I said our families are close and we are around each other constantly. It was February when it all started...it was crazy at first, I had had feeling for him for almost a year, but I didn't say anything. He said he had been having feeling for me for a while too. Anyway...we grew closer. You know the story one thing lead to another. And eventually we crossed the line. After doing so we couldn't uncross it. When this first started I told myself I wouldn't get attached. And we were hot and heavy at first. Things seemed great. He told me he loved me after a week. I didn't say it back...I was still playing the whole I'm not going to let myself fall for this thing...But secretly it was like I was in some kind of dream land. Like I said things were great at first, we were on instant messenger for hours every night we weren't together. And the nights we were together we just completely about us. I was in total bliss. And I fell. I fell soo hard...we were about 2 1/2 weeks in and he had come to see me before work. As he was leaving he said i love you and i said I love you too as he was walking out the door, he came back in and totally flipped. He held me and asked what had I just said and I again told him I love him. The look in his eyes when he went off work that day was amazing. No body had ever made me feel like that before. Not to mention the sex was incredible. We would I.M. all day while we were working and we never stopped we always had something to talk about. I was completely comfortable with him. I actually had trust for him. Which never in my life had I ever trusted a male. ****, I had never trusted anyone!! Especially not the way I trusted or even trust him. Anyway, things were great until maybe 2 1/2 months. Things between us were off in my eyes. Less sex, less I.M.ing, I thought maybe he was trying to fix things with his wife. Which I was totally understanding of. So I confronted him about it. And asked him if he wanted to end things and make his home life work. He said he wants me, but things are complicated. Which they really are...he also has a daughter with her. She isn't the most stable person, financially she is very stable and does well for herself and her family, but emotionally she isn't. He says he wouldn't be able to stomach the times she had there child and he didn't. And I honestly don't think he would be financially stable enough to live take care of himself and his kid. And I NEVER said or would say anything about him leaving her and his family. I encourage him to just do what he sees fit. I honestly don't think I would be with him if he did decide to leave. I mean at one point they were great too. And that died so whats to say history wouldn't repeat itself. IT WOULD!! Anyway, confronted him, but things went on he stepped up his game a little things were nice...He is the sweetest guy ever. Anyway, we were at a party and he was with her as usual at gatherings that we both end up at. And it doesn't usually bother me to see them together, because i always felt kind of reassured some how, but this time hit me hard! We weren't talking on messenger at night anymore. Figured they were sleeping together. Which before he was on the couch, but she started to complain about that so...i wasn't sure at first...Then he came over after the gym one night and I found a letter written to her while he was in the bathroom...it was sticking out of his gym bag and it said he name...i had to...So I did when he went to the bathroom. It brought me to tears. It said how he wanted to make things work bring back what they used to have a bunch of **** and memories between the two of them...And sounds stupid but had a line in it from that movie beastly...which hit me hard cause we had watched that movie together shortly before...Anyway, when he was out of the bathroom I had told him he had to leave cause I wasn't feeling well, he offered to stay and take care of me...I said no I don't want you to see me like this. I don't believe in talking about something like that in the heat of the moment...would of went badly if i talked to him while i was that heated up...so I took the night to think and then I talked to him about it on messenger the next day...calmly...meaning i was in tears, but we weren't in person so as far as he knew i was completely calm. We talked he told me about it...this, that, blah blah, so on. I told him that I couldn't do it anymore and that he should really focus on making his family work. Well, I was heart broken, but i managed to stay off of messenger. Then we ran into each other at the grocery store. And it was like my heart shattered at the sight of him, but i held it in. He said he missed me and that this was eating him up inside. So I agreed to a talk...You know where that ended up...me as my week self right back in his arms. Though really he always went back to hers...he was always there at her feet...but she never saw him as good enough, not just saying this and not knowing the story...its true. And most of what she wanted and complained about was sex...so i told him we would stop having sex and that he should make her happy. Anyway he said he couldn't with her, that he even tried to think of me, but it just wasn't happening. And he wasn't lying. I wouldn't say his wife and i are friends but I guess I was there at a time of need cause it was the funniest conversation ever (sounds bad, but you would laugh)...story is...we bumped into each other at Starbucks and we talked and she was saying how her marriage was failing and talking about how there love slowly died and they hadn't had sex in months...So that proved he wasn't lying, but sad thing was I was experiencing everything she was going threw. But I still couldn't end thing. Things went on...things lessened slowly. Then he said how his wife suspected something and we couldn't do it anymore...I said ok. Have a nice life...I was hurt, but I was angry...not at him, but at myself for everything. I couldn't even convince myself to be angry with him...Anyway I was on messenger with an old friend of mine and he saw I was online and he messaged me...my heart dropped when it popped up hi...I told myself to ignore it, but how could I...I mean we were friends before all this...so I answered it...we talked...for a long time...And you know how this goes...we got back together...Things were hot and heavy again, but things died down again, i just thought maybe I was getting boring, or wasn't good enough. Used to be he would light up at the sight of me and shower me with compliments, but now its almost like he doesn't care...He says he does...but says he just goes home and ends up miserable so whats the point...I'm not sure what to think...I feel like an idiot and like I'm not good enough. I know I should just stop all of this, but its so hard to let go. When I'm with him...I'm in complete bliss and think of nothing else. But whenever we aren't together my mind goes a million miles an hour. And I try not to be that jealous girlfriend type...and I don't want to stress him out over stupid ****. Especially since we would NEVER work anyway. I just don't know why I'm holding on soo tightly.

[jns]

You are always playing second fiddle. For this relationship to work out, your SO should have some times set aside that is just for you, not what is left over.

[Stereohearts]

Thanks for your response. I appreciate your advice...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Stereohearts, welcome to WH

You know back in 2008, we stayed with a lady here, for months upon months in the same situation.. Justme... You should be able to find the thread if you put it up the top in the search engine. She is married now Really happy, treated like a princess and not to the guy she was a mistress to..

We have another lady who is lovely who has stayed with us, and we helped her too, including through the anger.. I am sure she will be writing on this thread by tomorrow

Mostly, we get lost in ourselves. And, lonely. It can cause us to mis-judge our instincts and we all know that messing with a married person is never going to work.

For him ? He probably was sleeping on the couch for so long.. It's appealing to be wanted isn't it? To have someone attracted to you ? That was what happened to him. Off course it's hot and heavy.. But ultimately, as you have noted, he wants his wife, he always did and he will fight for it.. The novelty of lust wears off, then comes the guilt and in that guilt, comes the trying to work it out.. Men sometimes think with their ****, but don't think that they don't have emotions. When they are not being loved, not respected, not told they are wanted, off course they have emotions that need to be filled to, not just sex. You did that.

Why are you there? Because a woman can not have sex with a man without feeling something, there was an attraction. He felt grand and wanted it to continue and truly probably felt yay, finally I am loved, wanted and spoke the words, that makes a woman fall instantly.. And then comes familierality.. Comfort zone. Could I find anyone else, I'm not worth it, I love him, radaradarada.

It means you don't love your self enough to be assertive and get out there and get what you want in life, instead of taking, settling for what is there in front of you to start with.

Oh and we don't judge on this Forum.

Time to leave sweet, and work on you.. What you want, put it out there, shout it out there and wait for it to happen and enjoy having someone sleep next to you every night of the week.

CW

[Stereohearts]

CW,
Thank you so much for your response. I found the posts from back in 2008. And reading threw it all and it was amazing. These women are so strong and amazing. There words have helped me. I've know it isn't going to work out, but it seems to have gotten harder to grasp. I know he would fight for her and their family. I know i'm probably just filling an empty void. I understand these things, but why can't I just stop, leave, call it quits?? Thats brings the question why am I here? I could go on and on about how amazing of a guy he is. How wonderful and caring, but I think the honest truth of why I'm here and put myself in this situation is about me. That's something I have to figure out. I mean who the **** would do this to themselves? The constant flip flopping and hurt. I feel like a complete idiot, and an even bigger idiot for not being able to walk away. I've put so much into nothing. Thats what this is...nothing. If I walk away...its as if nothing ever happen...i'll be faded in his memory as he lives on with his family, and the only thing I will have is the hurt. But I need to stop, I need to let this die. I need help with the walking and STAYING away.

[BabyGirl]

I believe CW knows me well , after 2 plus years here .. So Here I am as she Predicted.
So as not to repeat a Very long Story, when you get a chance , if you haven't already, go back to May of 2010 ( i think ) and I was the " I'm a Part Time Mistress *.

Though there are differences between you & I . I didn't know him, his ,wife or family, in any personal settings, wasn't Friends with his wife, have never run into or met her, met his son a few times, in my Store I work at. it's an Auto Parts Store, that's how " John " and I met .

"John" never came to my home nor me his, we never went out anywhere, other than Trips to The Forrest or the lake or river, ones that were close so he wasn't away from home or work long. I never got to " Make Love or have Full Sex ", even though we tried. He was Impotent, but blamed it on his not being able to cheat on his wife. Of his Guilt of trying to cheat.
But, I know the truth, he just can't get it to stay up .. lol But that still had nothing to do with my feelings of Love I had for him. I was his Friend, his Confident, his Shoulder to " cry " on.

We started out Friends, got closer, I never asked him to leave his wife, I tried so hard to get him to fix things with her. Giving him Advise, like counseling, like getting her help for her Alcoholism and her going through Menopause and her addiction to pain pills for her Fibro myalgia . we were " together 1 year" if you could call it that. We tried to stop seeing each other, I backed out several times, telling him to work on his marriage with her. But somehow, we always reconnected..

Our reconnection, was always by Text. A "How ya doing ? " Usually turned into the Convo , I miss you's, the negatives of his wife,and the can we meet & Talk on Saturday. or whatever day off we had together . Then almost 1 year into the Affair, his wife was leaving for 4 or 5 days. He/ We made plans to spend the weekend together, out of town, where no one knew us . WE had a pre weekend date the night she left, went to the waterfront, shared a small bottle of wine, Talked of course, kissed a few times, then I had to go Tinkle. No restrooms, so I went to the bushes. Then, most likely from the buzz of the 2 1/2 glasses of wine, I went and sat on the rocks, he was in the car . I smoked a Cigarette, and was just looking out at the water and the moon and the waves. And wondered what I was doing . Went back to the car, we drove home in silence. Later after he dropped me home, I texted him what time in the morning. And he said, we can't go. He can't abide my Smoking, even though he knew I smoked all this time. He just can cheat on his wife.

Yep I was Dumped, and it hurt. And that hurt grew into anger. I came here, seeking help, seeking to tell my Story and how I felt and have people, not Judge me. I took the Bad with the Good here. Yes I was " Judged ", but not as a Mistress, but as a Woman, that deserved better than I was getting. of a woman who knows I should make better choices for myself. There were some Harsh, Home hitting words in all of those posts and Questions. Many I did not want to hear . Because they were Truth.

I tried to defend, my feelings and actions, I tried to not " hear " what they were saying. But They ( WH Women ) Won that battle, with their Love and Concern and Wisdom and Advise and Chastising and all that went with their giving me the Help, I came to seek.

So "lil Mistress ".. Here are some Tips .
1)Block his Cell or Change your #, If you can't ignore them on your own. I never blocked his, don't know how, but did Delete his #, so I couldn't just text him first. It was hard. When you are used to texting and having so much in common and telling him, how your day went or who Pizzed you off * work. And starting your day off with Morning sweetie or Goodnight Honey, Wet dreams of me .. Kinda stuff .

2) He didn't have facebook , but had Yahoo messenger & Skype. I took his info off of mine. Those I could block.

3) this is silly and not real good Advice, but when I thought of him and longed for his text or wondered if he was thinking of me. I lit a cigarette ASAP, and with every Drag, I was, in my mind, thinking, So everything was perfect about me, but my Smoking Huh ? And I'd pretend to blow smoke in his face .. lol Told ya it was Silly.
So find one thing that irritates you about him ( nothing to do with you or your Relationship or his wife ) But something that he does that you passed over about him, because of your " Love " for him .

4) As it was told to me, I will tell to you.. You are much more Valuable than being 2nd Best, or an Extra or a Booty Call. He belongs to another woman, he is not yours, It is stealing to attempt to take something that is not yours.

5) You know it will never work with him, even if he was Free and Divorced his wife. He would do the Same to you most likely. You would spend every hour he was away from you. wondering if he is Cheating.

6) You may want to strike back at him, tell his wife, Hurt him like he has hurt you . DONT !! It will only hurt you more in the long run. His wife will find out who he really is. She may already know , ( not so much about you & Him ) but she knows something is not right . Don't Twist the knife that he has already stabbed in her back.

7) Keep busy with others, other things, avoid at all costs " get together s " that he may be at . Just find other things to do with other people.

8) Forgive yourself, accept, as it seems you have, that you did wrong. We both did wrong. We know it. So lets not repeat something we know is wrong. Bring your Integrity and trust as a good Woman, back into the forefront of your being. You will find someone for You, that You Deserve, but you also must make yourself " Deserving " for them to Love. And that starts with yourself .. If you can't Trust and Respect yourself, you cannot expect others to .

** I am Here if you ever need to talk. I don't post my Personal info here, But I give CW permission to pass on my Yahoo or FB Addy to you in PM, should you need it . I Trust Her with all my Soul, so you can trust her also. But you will have to put Mistress or something in the Subject box. I delete Spamazoids lol

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Your funny BG (hugs)

I think that the reason you haven't left yet is pride. Feeling that you are nothing, the last thing you think you can handle is really feeling like you are nothing, bang, the end, so you are hanging on until you can walk that type rope easily and with pride that you were strong enough, brave enough to do it.

Don't you think?

I'm glad you found that thread, read BG's as well... and stay with us.. You need people to be besides you over this, and you have them, here.

CW

[Ashlee T.]

Listen to these ladies stereo. Ya gotta get out. We know it, you know it....now ya just gotta do it. You're hanging on to something that isn't real, you're hanging to what you WANT, not what you truly have. If you were looking at what you TRULY have, you'd already be gone. It's a challenge, you want to win...and anything other than "winning" him will leave you feeling rejected and feeling like you lost the love of your life. I think that's human nature. But you will have to talk yourself through it and rely on close friends and unbiased sources (like us!) to help you through it. You just have to accept reality....decide you want more than that, and make a change.

[Stereohearts]

I read your thread from 2010. Got me thinking a lot. It has helped. Thank you. Your story is wonderful and helped me a lot. Though very different from mine a lot of the emotions and thought we have had are very similar. I am in my mid twenties and he in his mid thirties. He has been married for 3 years. Whole smoking thing is such b.s. I'm sorry he did that.
We have tried on many occasions to stop this. We live 2 block away from each other. We have all the same friends. Our families are constantly together. We shop at the same stores. It is hard to get away from it. But I though it is hard do not make contact with him when we end things. But when I get that email or I.M. My heart drops and I'm done. I respond and things go on again.

1)We do not text or call, as his wife checks who he has contact with.
2) I have Hotmail messenger that we talk on which I shut off when we end things, but he still has my email, which is impossible for me to change cause its the one I use for work, family, friends and my whole life.
3)That would work for me...I actually quit smoking for him...Its probably best and I dont really want to start back up cause it was almost impossible to quit and I still have a cigg every once in a while when we're not talking or things aren't so good.
4) I appreciate this advice, may be hard to digest. And I am not trying to take him from his wife or family...I encourage him constantly to try to fix things.
5)Totally true. I even wonder this know...Well, someone other than his wife...and I. lol. Stupid, but my mind is constantly going million miles an hour.
6)NEVER!! I completely understand this...I could never do that to there family, to him, to myself...that would seriously just **** me over sooo bad!! And not to mention i'm in this as much as anyone so why punish anyone else for my choices.
7)This one would be hard, but manageable. We were close before this, we've ruined everything. If I stop all connections with him I wont just lose my love, but my very best friend.
8)This will be the hardest. How do I go on? Honestly? When we broke things off last time, I wasnt angry with him, I couldnt be, but I was angry with myself. And I dont even feel like I deserve him, if I did he would be mine.


Thank you for your advise and I would love to talk to you outside this thread.

[Stereohearts]

CW,
What you say is true. Though pathetic on my part. Your right.
Question is...How do I overcome it??
I also read BG's thread...it helped alot.
I'm soo lost at what to do.