[Stereohearts]

I know I have to end this. I'm living in this dream world. And I don't know how to let go. I will still feel miserable even if I did as you say..."win". But i'm not looking to win. This isnt a game. And I honestly, as I said don't think I would be with him even if circumstances were different. The rejection is constant with or without him, we could spent an amazing weekend together and I'll feel rejected, when we have sex...was he even thinking about me, when he leaves...will he even miss me. Am I anything to him or just a young exciting piece of ***. If i'm thinking all this why is it soo hard to leave him??? It's like when I try to talk to him I don't tell him how I feel cause I dont want to be the one causing him stress, dont want to be the one he thinks is clingy and annoying. No one knows about us...my friend suspects, but I havent told anyone, thats why i'm here...I couldnt keep this inside anymore, and I need help on coming to grips with ending things...For good this time!

Thanks for your response!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

We do not text or call, as his wife checks who he has contact with.

So she knows, or suspects?

You gave up smoking for him ? YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC by the way, don't ever say that again... How many mistakes to people make in life? Mmmmm? It's why we made that mistake. Think back, what were you missing? Animal instict is hot what can you do, attraction is attraction, it's natural to lust, it's how you use that thought, and act or not act on it, bringing back to what were you missing?

This is hard that you can't really move. But, not so, if you make it perfectly clear that you are in your mid 20's... You have a whole life ahead of you, marriage, children, he has a marriage (does he have kids?), so he is stopping you from living.

He needs to realise that and be a MAN and let you go. You need to realise it's all out there for you and once you meet someone else and fall in love, he will be a memory a good one, but a memory and you will question things, call him user, all soughts of things as it all becomes apparent.

Tell me, Ms Mistress About you.. Who are you, what do you like, what type of job do you do, when do you go out (bet you say never)...

Let's start there sweet.

Thanks for sticking with us ...

[BabyGirl]

A couple of other things here Lil Missy, Sorry about not calling you Mistress, it doesn't fit you, now that you are seeking help. I used to be His Baby Girl, but once I accepted I didn't want to be " HIS " They were nice enough to let me change my Nickname here to just Baby Girl . I'm ok with that as My Daddy used to call me Baby Girl, and I don't think of "John " when I see it ( as me ) .

This is really weird, your coming here at this time. I have been working on updating my "relationship " with John, what has happened since last year when he contacted me after 1 year of not Talking to each other. That is another story I posted, and again was helped by all the Wonderful People here at WH . I will Update later on this . There is a Semi~Shocking Outcome .. But that is for another Time ..

But to help you a bit ...Firstly, it was Very hard, to not contact or think of him. Remember, it wasn't all Sex, with us. I was his Confidant, He was mine.. He was my best Male friend. We had the same political, beliefs. we loved Nature, we shared our day to day, trials and laughter. I missed that so much at first, every time I saw a dark grey Ford F250 on the road, I'd hope it was him, just a Glimpse of his kind of Truck, would bring him to mind, just the sound of a Diesel truck, would have you turning my head.

It took awhile. A long While . With you living in the same neighborhood, it sure makes it much harder than what I had to go through. Not sure how I would have handled that. Possibly seeing him with his wife. She already accused him of Cheating anyway, because he slept on the Couch.. like you guy does/Did.

*** Note *** That is a Mans normal thing to say to us " Other Woman " My wife doesn't understand me, she won't give me Sex, we are Basically Roommates ,.. Yep Honey , I've heard it all . ***

But with you .. Your Friend Suspects, His wife checks his phone calls. She has a gut feeling already. I believe she said something to you about them not getting along and their Marriage was failing ? Well Honey, she knows, she may not know it's you, but she Knows he's not Faithful, deep in her Heart.

To help you with this decision, to Stop this Affair and start to respect yourself again. Lets do a Scenario.
You and he continue to sneak around. You get Caught, It is found out. How will you live with the fact that She knows, The whole neighborhood knows,All of the people at the Stores you shop at Know. What is going to happen ? You will be talked about, Gossiped about, shunned by your Neighbors and Friends .

This is Not Desperate Housewives and Wisteria Lane. This is Real Life in a Real Neighborhood. All the neighbor lady's are going to Avoid you, Most will hate you, even if they don't like his Wife much, they will sympathies with her . They will think that their Husbands might be next on your list. Their Husbands are going to think you are Easy. Their Kids won't be able to play with your kids ( if you have any )..

Will you be able to hold your head up high and look all of them in the eyes and act like you are a " Good Woman , a Trustworthy Woman ".


Even if he did leave her and end up with you, not saying that is what you want. But who will he turn to , if she finds out ? Most likely You , because he knows he can Control your feelings for him.. " Baby, you are all I have, I Need you , I Love you " You will fall for it, you already do. There you will be, 2nd Best, 2nd Choice, and if you do get together, in the back of your mind, will be knowing he cannot be faithful.
Or he may Turn on you, make you the Seducer, make it all your fault. After all when a Woman throws herself at a Man ,men can claim to be " weak " and a Sexual Being , Ask for her Forgiveness ..

Now Think about this ...If he truly Loved you, he would Divorce her First, stop the affair, and go through the Divorce, because he can't be married to her, because he Doesn't love her anymore . He would do this not for you, but for him & her, end their Suffering. Then after a decent amount of Time, he could court you and Be with you. But not in the same neighborhood. That just wouldn't work out. As Tongues would Wag for sure .

He is Not going to Leave her on his own, or he would already have done so. You know this. Again, I'm not saying this is what you want. But just as he thinks he can have you & his Wife, what makes you think it is ok , with you to have Someone else's Husband. What makes you think that you cannot find a Man of your own ? One who doesn't have to go home to someone else after being with you ?
You are already having those thoughts . You know the Answer. You Deserve and Need and Want someone to love you and only you. It's time to let go of what is not Yours and Find someone who is Yours. Where you won't have to Sneak, Hide, and feel Guilt . Someone you can walk down your neighborhood with, hand in hand, with Pride and Love and a Belonging, someone to go to neighborhood functions with and be a Happy Couple.


You can Stop this Affair.. You and Only you can Stop this. He can't, he hasn't the Strength or Willpower, because , why should he, when he can Have You & Her. You can't take back what is Done already. but you can stop it from happening again. This is in your hands, not His. You have to be the Strong One. You aren't losing him, he was never Yours to begin with. Now it's time to decide, are you going to help Destroy his family, help break up his marriage. Help him become a Piranha in his Neighborhood and Ruin Your life too ?

Notice I said Help him, this is on him as much as you. But You are the one, that has to say NO !! You are the one who has to tell him , Go back to your Wife. I am not going to Continue this. I am Not Available to You. I am moving on and going to Respect Myself, be Proud of Myself, and Someday Find someone I don't have to Hide and Sneak around with. Become someone I don't have to be Ashamed of Being .

Do I sound Harsh ? Probably so, Why ? Because you are on the Fence of making a Decision, of Ending this, you just need a little push over the fence. Try the, Reverse situation, It's your Hubby , your Neighbor, sneaking around. How would you feel ? If she is even a partial Friend to you . Don't help crush her World or the family's World . Let him do that by himself .

I'm here for you, I'll do my best to help you through this . Everyone here will help you ,like they did me.. And someday you will help the Next " Mistress ".

[Stereohearts]

She suspects, because they now longer are intimate. Which they weren't intimate before the 2 of us were anything more then friends and we stopped having sex, because I told him I didn't just want to be a piece of ***. She is not a very nice woman. She is mean to her children and treats him like a house *****. She works a lot. He cooks, cleans, works, and takes care of his daughter (16 months) and his step daughter who is 16. He told her he didnt find her attractive because of the way she acts. She told him to leave and not stay because of there daughter. But he can't stomach the nights he would not have his daughter. He also doesn't want to leave his step-daughter to live with her alone. He says that she punishes her step-daughter for looking like her father. And that she never gets to leave the house because of the mothers lack of trust of people. His step daughter and I get along and she tells me things that go on and I understand why he would be scared to leave his daughter there with her.
Yes, I did quit smoking for him. What was I missing??? Good question. But to tell you the truth i'm not sure. Some family stuff was going on, but thats constant...nothing new.
I know, I'm young and have a long way ahead of me. That makes this no easier. And I have no trust for anyone. Especially not for men, because of the past, but for some reason I have this trust with him. I guess that's another thing that makes this so hard. Maybe thats something I had mistaken for being more...I made this trust I had of a guy into a huge deal. I'm not sure what I was exactly thinking...

Who am I? Hard question, not sure I know...I know what others think or say about who I am, but no one really knows me. I'm out going, but keep things to myself...I am caring and over-protective. I hold on to the past, but dont let others know. I'm confused...I need to find myself. But i'm almost scared of what i'll find...if that makes any sense at all.


What do I like? I love to read, admire art, i'm a huge nature person, I scrapbook, Draw, I like to design and make clothes, but not very good at it.

My job? I work at a daycare, I absolutely love my job. Kids are my life! I have always loved to help and take care of kids.

And you guessed it I pretty much never go out, except to the gym. I wake up, go to work, come home, go to the gym, back home, eat, read...bed. Weekends I am usually in the yard, or reading.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well firstly. If you are out-going, and you love. Because you do, you love your kids, you love your hobbies, you love the gym, then you have to open more doors for yourself and get out more and see the world. If you are frightened it's possible that's because you keep yourself confined to the house. I am guessing, you are doing this out of loyalty for him, but you know that he isn't sleeping on the couch anymore, so you have to do this for you.

I also think that you had a bad relationship, you mention non-trust for men. And, yet this felt "safe" if that makes sense. To you, at the beginning, there was nothing to fear after all, he's married. I don't think people understand the emotions that are attached once sex comes into play, with someone. You trust him because he poors his heart out to you over his "children" and you love children and you are over-protective. I think every married man that has an affair does this, poors his heart out and the person on the receiving end, always, always, feels "heart breaking" for him.

I think that you have a fear of relationships, due to the non-trust. And, you have to master this. It's nature unfortunately for a majority of people to cheat on the other person. Look at yourself. You entered someone's life and thought, pftttt, so what he's married, he's not happy. All it takes is for someone to flash their eyes etc At a guy, he'll either do the deed, can't help himself, or he'll back off and go whoa, I am in a relationship.

What I want you to understand is "honestly" they exist. The non-cheaters, they really do. But you have to love you first, and walk that air, knowing who you are, what you want out of life, before the right type of people enter our life, or else you'll settle.

[Stereohearts]

CW,
I do not have any children of my own, not sure if I said that or not. But I do love all my little daycare kids. Kids are such a joy.
Your right I do need to open myself to more opportunities. It is hard because your right I am feeling like I should be loyal to him. I understand the whole...he has a wife, he isnt really yours, you don't owe him. But in my heart I would feel horrible to even think about getting involved with someone. I dont even think i'm emotionally capable of letting myself try to go out. Which is something I need to work on. Even before he and I started this I was never really totally open to going out and meeting people...I enjoyed going out with the girls, but not really to talk to guys or meet new people. My lack of trust for men started as a child. I'm not usually very open about my childhood, but I think some background information would help. When I was three I was raped by my father, I do not remember this happening, but there was evidence. He went to jail for raping my babysitter. He got out when I was 8 and I kind of spun out of control, my mother was never really home, my brothers kept to themselves and I found a group of friends who were older than me 14-16 and just kind of acted out, stopped going to school, and stopped caring. My mother started doing drugs. I was at a friends with a bunch of people and they were drinking and I was raped by a guy there. I was scared to death to tell anyone..so it stayed a secret. I never spoke a word of it until about 2 years ago. Anyway...I was getting into more and more trouble, my father was fighting to get visitation, mom was out with her boyfriend all the time...Mom found out I wasnt going to school so she locked me in the room in our apartment, she left and I tried to run away. My brothers snitched and she found me. She got very aggressive, she had hit us before, but this time was worse. CPS was already involved because of my father fighting for rights. So I called them. Went to my friends and the police came. They took pictures and I went into foster care. My brothers stayed with my mother. I was in and out of 4 foster homes in 1 1/2 years until I was sent to live with my grandparents. I decided to start new in a new place, be a kid. Try to be happy. Which I was for the most part. Then I was 14 in the 9th grade...first high school party. Was slipped a date raped drug, and I wasnt even drinking. I was raped again. I didnt come forward, I didnt want to get caught sneaking out.Told myself it was my fault. I was really depressed. Started cutting. Found out I was pregnant. So I had to tell my grandmother. I did not tell her about the rape. I just said I was sexually active. I lost all trust with her and my grandfather. I was 9 weeks along when I miscarried. No matter how badly I didnt want that child it was the most painful experience ever. It threw me over the edge. My mother stopped talking to me for good, I felt like a ****, people stared. I tried to kill myself. I was in the hospital for a week. Pretended I was ok, but first chance I got I tried again. Was in the hospital again...Then when I got out this time I was on 24/7 watch. Couldnt even sleep in my room alone. I went to summer school to pass thew nineth grade. That summer I thought a lot. In middle school I was a pretty happy kid, straight A student, popular, played sports and was in Drama. How could I have been this teen failing school, never talking to anyone, no activities. In 10th grade I told myself I would shape up. So I did. I was doing great, started playing soccer again, grades were up, and I joined ROTC. In 11th grade I met a guy. I never fully trusted him, but I trusted him enough. We had been dating almost a year then he cheated on me with what was supposed to be my best friend. He was the first guy I had consensually had sex with. (You would think I wouldn't be with a married man since this has happen to me..right??) Well, I graduated the next year and moved as far away as possible. I had saved money, so was going to take a year off of school, but money ran low fast. I met this girl while traveling and we became friends instantly and have been friends since. We are actually roommates in this house, but she is rarely home cause she stays at her boyfriends house a lot.



Wow...that was a lot. So sorry if that was to much at once. I have never put anything out there like that.

Is there really guys who wont have sex with a woman that throws them self at them?? Never met or heard of one. Except for my gay guy friend...lol.

[Stereohearts]

Thank you soo much for your response. The things you said while hard to digest are very true. Coming from anyone else I would have ignored it or tried to bite there head off. But they are very helpful coming from you. As I said in a reply to CW I work at a daycare...so I have a lot to lose. Knowing his wife if she were to find out she would hang fliers in a 100 mile radius.

I see no real upsides of staying in this relationship. So why the **** is it so hard for me to just get out of it?? I can think of a hundred reasons to get out. Only reason to stay is love. And I question if his love for me is real. I question everything. Am I enough? Do I make him happy? Is he thinking of someone else during sex? Would he want me as his wife if things were different? Does he think about me? Does he know I constantly think about him? Does he know I care? Does he think i'm being clingy? Does he even find me pretty? Am I starting to bore him? I know that sounds so insecure!! It makes me sick. At first it wasnt like that. At first it was like I was the only one. The look in his eyes everytime he saw me was amazing. Have you ever been with someone that when your in the worst of moods could just touch your face, look you in the eye, smile, and it just made everything ok?? Thats him. He could bring butterflies to my stomach just by telling me i'm beautiful. You could make the world stop by send an email just to say he was thinking about me and that he miss and loved me. He could make my heart drop just by walking into the gym when I didnt expect it, or by I.M-ing me.
I sound crazy.

Anyway, I know I have to end this. You know it. But how??? I can't do it over I.M I owe him more then that and would never want someone to do that to me. But i'm also not sure if I can look him in the face and do it. We had a conversation today that has made it even harder. I know you would say he will do/say anything to keep stringing you along.And I know this. I let him, I fall for it over and over. I fall in love with him all over again every time I see him, or learn something new.

Thanks for pushing I need it. But i'm weak and still cant bring myself to take the next step to ending this. I don't know why i'm holding on so hard??
How did you cope? How did you get over him? What exactly went threw your head? And what was going threw your head during the relationship??


Please read the replies to CW.
Can't wait to hear from you next.

[BabyGirl]

Wow, your story about childhood and on was heartbreaking. I also was a victim of child Rape and abuse. I also rebelled as a teen. I also went thru some things with men and trust,

A difference is I have children, 4 beautiful ones, ages 37,32,25 & 22 and not to forget my First Child, whom I lost in Death from a Drunk Driver, when she was 15 months old. There are other stories about my Kids here. Something for a rainy day, if you are interested and Bored .. lol

But look at you, you have Children too. Just not of your Body ( yet) You are a Natural Mother . You seek that unconditional Love a child gives and you return it twofold. Look at your profession, could you imagine losing that profession, could you imagine losing one of the children to Death ? I know that children come and go in your job, I know you feel the loss when one moves on, even if the family just moves away, or a child gets old enough for real School.

Think about this Honey, In the days when you have those kids, They are yours, they Love you, they look up to you, you are Beautiful and loving and always there for them. You hold them when they hurt, you kiss their Boo boo's, they need you. And that is something you crave, to be loved and needed. And when you go home, there is no one at home to keep that feeling going. (Yet ).

Sometime in your life you made that choice, to get out of your "rut " of bad behavior, you decided to grow up, to Buck up, not let the bad outweigh the good in your life. To believe that you had more to give by living than taking your own life. You chose to help and be there for others, starting with the Young, the ones you know need you, the ones you know that will accept your Love and not question it. The ones you can help to grow, the ones you know that can and do love you for who you are that day, not for your past.

Now to explain a bit of what I learned about my feelings for "John.". As he said.
John, was unhappy in his marriage, his wife withheld sex, She drank, she never worked, she never hugged him, she never listened to him, they had nothing in common, other than he worked and Supported her. They have no kids together, they are my age, He is 50, she 55 ( me 56 ).
He cared about her , loved, but not in love ( now ) he rescued her, he was lonely wanted someone to share life with, she needed him and they married.

As I said "John " and I were friends, he felt he could talk to me, about his problems with his wife, her illness, her moods, her issues. After all I am a Woman, who better to bounce the ball off the wall with ? You know what ??? He Needed me, he listened to my advise, he cried on my shoulder. I could hug him and take away some of his pain. We enjoyed each others company, I knew that the time he spent with me, took some stress and neglectful feelings away from him. That he was wanted and needed and enjoyed, not because of his money he could provide, the house the cars. But because of him and who he was.

He would always say, why didn't I meet you first ? I don't really know when when the Love came in, well that's not true, I knew my Love came in, when I felt sad that he had to go back home, after being happy for an Hour or two, and knew he would go home and be unhappy, be ignored, feel like he was being used. To go home and sleep on the couch, when he had a Wife in their bed.

When we got closer, it only seemed natural to try and be Sexual, which, never really fulfilled itself. But we tried. Why, I ask myself did I let it go to the Sexual part ? I believed he was sleeping on the couch and more of a roommate as he claimed. As the only time he couldn't text was during his Dinner or when they were out together or at neighborhood functions. Now all along, I never expected or asked him to leave his wife. I felt he needed me, I guess I felt that Sex was the next Step in the "Love " we had for each other.

When it came to that weekend we planned. I know it would have made a huge difference, he knew it too. He knew it would change everything, would make it harder on him at home, to have someone love him, make love with him and then have to go home to her. And that is why he " Dumped me ". To prevent things from getting worse at home ( his feelings ). He would lose his house, if he was ever caught in an Affair. He'd put his house up as collateral for one of her Debts. This I found out later . which I will write about later, as I have mentioned in previous Posts.

Does any of these feelings seem similar with you ? He your " guy " needs you, needs the peace you bring him, the break in the hurt and pain of an unhappy marriage ? You need to be needed, to be able to feel loved, to be able to have someone light up your world and you his world ? To be each others safe haven from the Storm ?

With John, I knew he would never leave his wife, at least not because of me or for me. I wouldn't want him that way anyway. I'd have wanted him because he loved me, not because he Loved me more than her. And if and when he ever divorced, and if we ever got together, (which will never happen, part of that other story, I plan to tell ). Because, I know, what if, things changed with us,what if our " love " faded, I know he would seek out another woman to feed his needs .

Now, to categorize this..
We are going to take this in logical steps.

1) We both had Tragic and Abusive Childhoods and teen years. We Both rebelled, we both learned a mistrust of Men, when we found our first man, we were betrayed.
We have both Survived and gone on with our lives, But we both Need and Crave, Being needed and Loved.

2) We both chose fields to help others, especially the young, you a daycare teacher, me I took Psychology to become a Teen Counselor, but only got through 2 years, because of my children, born and the one who passed. I am Now an Auto Parts Pro, and still help Men allot.

3) We both fell for men who were Unhappy and Married. We in our Minds and Hearts, know the feelings of Neglect, to not be Loved, to be abused and not " wanted " for who we are. WE Empathize with them, we want to "Help them " To show them Love, to be there for them , to " Kiss Their Boo Boo's ( all non sexual here ). We want them to feel Joy when they see us, to feel secure and to make us the 'One " that they need to feel Alive.

4) And in this, we fulfill our own needs in being Needed and Loved, for our Nurturing ways. And when we aren't getting that from someone, we feel abandoned and worthless and undeserving of that Love we so desperately need to feel Whole. We feel incomplete.

In essence, John & Your " guy " are our Children, They are the ones we can Teach Love to, show them there are people out there than can give them what they seek. They Need us and we think we need them.
When all we really need to do, is to take that Nurturing and turn it on ourselves. To Support ourselves, Believe in Ourselves, Teach ourselves that we are Worthy of Love, Most Important is Worthy of our Own Love.

And once we are Whole, we can be Loved in the way we need to be.. To Men as Partners, rather than our " Man Children ".

P.S Glad you didn't bite my Head Off . Lol and just let me know, if I am too Firm with you. I have a Passion about this Mistress Stuff . So can Tend to not be as Gentle as some may feel they Need .

[Stereohearts]

BG,
Sorry about the loss of your baby. That is something no mother should have to go threw. I will definitely be reading some of your threads very soon. I see all of my daycare kids as my own. I am not sure I want to have any children of my own. I do think it would be amazing, but I do not want history to repeat itself or for me to disappoint my child. But i'm still young and that could very well change. Your "John" sounds like my guy. (I'm going to call him matt. If thats ok..) Matts wife drinks, he suspects she does drugs, she never does anything around the house, she is mean, does not respect him. Though she does work. She is a nurse. Matt also had as you said "rescued" his wife. When they first met she was in the parking lot of his work (he sold and worked on cars) crying. He thought, theres a woman who's different that maybe I can help and make a difference. His heart broke for her. Him being as caring as he is. Anyway, the whole why couldnt I have met you first comes into play a lot. Its heart breaking. And the one he says is I wish you could be my childs mother instead. Wow, heart breaker...I know your going to or CW will say that he is using my love for children as a stepping stool. Weather he means it or not I can't be totally sure cause i'm not him nor am I a mind reader. But still gets to me.

Any your right about me going home and theres nothing, though I love my space it would be truly amazing to go home to someone to smile at and thats happy to see me home. That cared if I got home late, or came home at all. lol. I have to say i'm sorry that John left you like that. I also would never want "Matt" to leave his wife, especially not for me. When he is in a rage I even calm him down and help him rationalize about leaving. I tell him tips to help them work things out. It kills me, but I dont think he should leave her. I want them to work it out in a way. Though I can't totally walk away. But I put myself threw the pain of all of it. Wouldn't it be less painful to just get out of it???

We have a lot in common, I am taking Psychology now to become a counselor. I have wanted to be a counselor since I was a kid. I've never liked counselors, which makes me wanting to be one sound crazy...lol.

I care way to much. I'm very over protective. Always trying to please everyone. Constantly thinking of what could go wrong, if everyone's ok, how I can help...Sounds like a good thing right? But its not most of the time. I almost wish I could shut it off. You also seem like you are very caring and a people pleaser as I am. I do love to feel needed. Sounds almost selfish, but I live off of it. I live off of making others happy, helping everyone I can. I feel like a failure if I cant help someone in need.
And turn the nurturing on to me, and take care of me?? I get it, but how?? Make myself whole?? How do I do that? And how do I know when i'm a whole as just me?? Partner...thats almost laughable. I reach for the impossible. I guess knowing that it wont really happen has this "safe" feeling about it. Doesnt really make since right? I don't know, wouldn't I want to just be happy? Why is it so hard to chose something thats going to make me happy?

I love how you said "Man Children". Its true. I am attracted to the fact that I can cater and take care of Matt. I feel amazing helping him or just being there for him. Feeling he is mine and he needs me. There I go again with the selfishness...lol.
Thanks again for your response.
I love reading your replies your helping me a lot.


But a question...He doesn't even know i'm thinking about ending thing. When? How? I'm not sure if i'm strong enough. Seeing him tonight. Not sure what i'm going to do. Not sure if I can just end things tonight...I don't know. I'll let you know how it goes.


P.S. lol...And you can push as hard as you can. I need it. As you can see from what I just wrote.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Little Miss... That's what you are.

You are one of "the" most bravest woman I have ever "met" There is so much inner strength in you, so much determination.. When the time is right, it will be alright.

I meant the kids you look after at work, I sensed this bond. I imagine you will protect those little ones, all of them as if they are your own.

Firstly, I want you to be PROUD of yourself. I left home at 16, became a rebel for a while, had a few scares, felt lost, un-loved, didin't trust. Much of what you wrote alot of people have come from, some worse than others, some lame but ultimately, the fear and pain is the same, like me, you pulled through.

I can't imagine though what you personallly went through taking those components out of it, as for you that's one heck of a nightmare to have lived for so many years. I'm sorry for all of it, as I am for BG.

But, the strength you have ? It's amazing.. For all you have been through it makes sense why you are looking for safety zones..

It's the strength in my opinion that we need to focus on. At some point, you need to see how proud you are of yourself, where you are at, how you turned out, from all that pain sheez... Don't you think you are amazing ? :P

There are guys out there that would not have sex with you if you threw yourself at them? Hehe. Bloody Australian :P Me that is. I meant guys that aren't looking at you on the outside, rather the inside who Little Miss is .......

There are a lot of things missing there for you really. You really had no Father image to start with, then no Mother Image. Maybe as this guy is 10 years older, and finally you can trust an "older" man, you were drawn to that?

What do you think sweet.