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Ladies Opinion: What does 'No Chemistry' really mean?

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  • It seems as though you have no problem getting to the first date (which is a battle in itself if I'm correct?!).

    From a woman's p.o.v, the dates where I've felt I had chemistry have been mostly if I've felt the guy I'm on a date with feels genuinely relaxed and confident as a person. Whether or not they've felt genuinely relaxed/confident is probably another matter haha, but this has made me feel relaxed in turn, which has opened up the doors to 'chemistry' so to speak.

    I do believe that chemistry is one of those 50/50 things - you either have it or you don't, but what I'm driving at is that if you are overcome by the desire to create interest - make sure you remember to enjoy being in the moment as this helps to create a relaxed mood.

    A first date is a nerve wracking experience, but remember, the other person is probably just as likely to be internalising scenarios as you - remember to have fun and to smile!

    Wishing you luck on your future dates

    Comment


    • Chemistry is when you feel at home with someone. So, you like that person physically, he says the right things, he behaves the right way, he has the right values, probably even the same sense oh humor. Notice that "right" is a mere subjective perception of the other person.

      Comment


      • If I may. ..Gentlemen, it's not you. It seems like a paradox to say so but hear me out...

        Don't you rather have it this way around than finding out later there was a guy in varsity or a colleague that exuded this brilliant confidence she was after and all the right "chemistry" but you were "not bad" either. She had other expectations. It could also be a bit more calculated from her than what you would expect.
                                           
        Chemistry could be true and real or it could also be a passing fad, temporary, and it's usually not lasting in most relationships. Each of your opinions are sound and it makes sense. It could also just be about timing. It could be all or one of those mentioned and even the unmentioned. If only we could be of a simpler time when choices, choices, choices didn't prevail against good ol' common sense and making up one's mind. Then there's emotion. Oh and these do change. Radically even from day to day or with time. How do we "love" someone and once it's over "hate" them? I, for one have learnt to not only trust in emotions or that gut feel but we can't say that genders are so far apart or male this and female that. 

        What you're doing is getting perspective and making progress and that, my friend, is the most important thing. Self-interest is of high value. (Not self centeredness or being self absorbed....obviously) Learn to get better in every aspect and not get too critical of yourself or self esteem will take a knock in the end.

        You are becoming well rounded and balanced and for trying you are a better man than most. I'm sorry to say but Hollywood portrays the "Hero" as a stud without flaws and in some cases that is used as the benchmark. Reality is you're only human. Focus on your strong points and improve on whatever you feel is worth improving.

        Rejection isn't failure and failure isn't final nor is success everlasting. When you've met the one you want to be with those many dates would be inconsequential or even beneficial. Who knows? 

        Good luck.
        J

        Comment


        • Really good posts here. I get the no chemistry/no connection comment every time. In fact I've come to believe I have no idea what chemistry would feel like if it hit me in the face. So when I hear that comment it feels like a total rejection of who I am as a person. The few actual attempts at a definition made by women on this site seem to be saying it is feeling relaxed with someone while also being attracted. I guess. But here's the infuriating thing, if it's about feeling relaxed just let the guy be nice to you for god sake. I try so friking hard to be nice on these dates. Why doesn't that make someone feel relaxed? What's worse
          being nice on a date is viewed as an unattractive thing in this twisted society. If a girl tries to be nice to me I don't see that as being unattractive. I feel really good about it and like her more not less. One suggestion I heard above is probably the best. Just shut up on dates and don't ever talk about what your thinking or feeling. Strategy for success.
          Last edited by raczbac; 12-03-2017, 11:53 PM.

          Comment


          • Originally posted by raczbac View Post
            One suggestion I heard above is probably the best. Just shut up on dates and don't ever talk about what your thinking or feeling. Strategy for success.
            that probably is a good strategy at first because when you meet someone, you want to be interested in them and find out about them
            if you are doing all the talking, the person will quickly tune you out for not showing interest in them

            as you get to know each other further along, then the give and take in conversation more readily happens

            Comment


            • You sound like a great guy, so I don't understand why the girls you've been on dates with would say there's no chemistry. You have to know that this is their loss and the right woman is waiting for you. I don't really have any advice, but keep trying. You're definitely someone's ideal person, so forget those girls. I do also think a lot of people go through the dating cycle like yourself and hear " there's no chemistry". I guess - along with everyone else dating - you have to carry on going out and just keep trying. Don't give up.

              Comment


              • Wow, actual replies from people with expertise on the matter. Who nu? Thanks very much for the information. Follow up question. Is the 'no chemistry/connection' comment really just code for 'boring'? I would personally rather hear the cold truth, at lease it gives you an idea of what to work on. Which leads to my next follow up. Do you think girls are more intolerant of boredom than guys? It seems that way. I mean I get bored all the time, big whoop. Its a lot of pressure to feel like you have to be an entertainer on these dates. I don't know man, I wish things would just be easy. Random thoughts from an insomniac at 4 AM.

                Comment


                • Originally posted by raczbac View Post
                  I wish things would just be easy. .
                  how old are you and where are you taking your dates?


                  Comment


                  • I think that chemistry is a combination of things in relationships. For friendships, it's one sort of combination, for romantic relationships it's another. I recently spent some time getting to know a new guy, and after a few weeks there was just nothing building on the sort of "getting to know you" phase. No "chemistry". I wasn't eager to get to spend more time, not wanting to get closer, in a physical way, etc. The friendship was there, he's a great guy, but that little something that makes me want to kiss them or have him hold my hand, or learn more about what makes him who he is, was just not happening for me. I told him that I didn't see the relationship evolving into more than friendship.
                    No, it's not a matter of boredom, necessarily, tho' I guess that could be a way to describe it. The guy I'm speaking of was anything but boring-he owns a restaurant, he has a very active social life, is into sports and volunteer activities. He's a great man, just not the "right" man for me. I wasn't developing a sense of bonding with him, a strong attraction to him, even tho' we actually have a lot in common. I admire him in many ways, and respect him, but that "something" was just not there for me.

                    Building the sort of relationship that lasts, that satisfies both needs on so many levels, starts with much more than being "nice". Of course, we want to be mannerly, considerate and listen in those early stages getting to know someone. There is an interest that is piqued with certain people, and that is part of chemistry.

                    I've dated tons of nice guys, who did absolutely nothing wrong. There was just no higher sort of interest there for me. I may not be the best person for this explanation, as I've dated tons of men and have felt this connection to only a handful. I think I understand the difference tho, in what I'm looking for and what I need, and what the past relationships were about. I know that I'm not willing to settle for a relationship that doesn't have this unique connection, or chemistry, and I think others shouldn't either

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                      I think that chemistry is a combination of things in relationships. For friendships, it's one sort of combination, for romantic relationships it's another. I recently spent some time getting to know a new guy, and after a few weeks there was just nothing building on the sort of "getting to know you" phase. No "chemistry". I wasn't eager to get to spend more time, not wanting to get closer, in a physical way, etc. The friendship was there, he's a great guy, but that little something that makes me want to kiss them or have him hold my hand, or learn more about what makes him who he is, was just not happening for me. I told him that I didn't see the relationship evolving into more than friendship.
                      No, it's not a matter of boredom, necessarily, tho' I guess that could be a way to describe it. The guy I'm speaking of was anything but boring-he owns a restaurant, he has a very active social life, is into sports and volunteer activities. He's a great man, just not the "right" man for me. I wasn't developing a sense of bonding with him, a strong attraction to him, even tho' we actually have a lot in common. I admire him in many ways, and respect him, but that "something" was just not there for me.

                      Building the sort of relationship that lasts, that satisfies both needs on so many levels, starts with much more than being "nice". Of course, we want to be mannerly, considerate and listen in those early stages getting to know someone. There is an interest that is piqued with certain people, and that is part of chemistry.

                      I've dated tons of nice guys, who did absolutely nothing wrong. There was just no higher sort of interest there for me. I may not be the best person for this explanation, as I've dated tons of men and have felt this connection to only a handful. I think I understand the difference tho, in what I'm looking for and what I need, and what the past relationships were about. I know that I'm not willing to settle for a relationship that doesn't have this unique connection, or chemistry, and I think others shouldn't either
                      Kitty, so sounds like there was something unattractive about him. Do you know what it was? I have also heard the "no chemistry" line millions of times and figured it was the polite way of saying someone is too ugly to date. Not necessarily in terms of looks.

                      for example I had a female friend (who I was very attracted to) tell me she wouldn't date me because of the way I walked. I assume that was not the real reason and nicer than saying it was my face that was the problem, lol.

                      Comment


                      • Well I am 60 and generally take them for coffee, a drink, or maybe a hike. Nothing super fancy on the initial meetup. I am reasonably normal looking I think. I mean I get lots of interest online and my pictures are accurate. So it feels like something happens in person that wrecks the online persona. Kitty, it sounds like what you are saying is that chemistry is one of those intangibles you cant define, either its there or it ain't. That is is exactly what girls have said to me when I press them on it. And I could accept that if every once in a while there WAS someone who felt chemistry with me. But there never is. Its like the fricking Twilight Zone, same thing with different people. I keep plowing forward because I don't really have much to lose and its easy to do with the internet. But I sure wish it were more. Funny when I was young, before the internet, I met a whole lot fewer people but actually had more relationships.

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by raczbac View Post
                          Well I am 60 and generally take them for coffee, a drink, or maybe a hike. Nothing super fancy on the initial meetup. I am reasonably normal looking I think. I mean I get lots of interest online and my pictures are accurate. So it feels like something happens in person that wrecks the online persona. Kitty, it sounds like what you are saying is that chemistry is one of those intangibles you cant define, either its there or it ain't. That is is exactly what girls have said to me when I press them on it. And I could accept that if every once in a while there WAS someone who felt chemistry with me. But there never is. Its like the fricking Twilight Zone, same thing with different people. I keep plowing forward because I don't really have much to lose and its easy to do with the internet. But I sure wish it were more. Funny when I was young, before the internet, I met a whole lot fewer people but actually had more relationships.
                          It sounds like the ladies are trying to come up with an answer before getting to know you. The chemistry is not always an instantanious thing. Maybe the internet works better because there isn't such a rush.
                          I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                          ...
                          Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                          From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                          Comment


                          • Excellent point. How long does it take for a girl to know if there is chemistry? Or more accurately, to know that there isn't chemistry. One date, two, more? A lot of times I don't bother calling for the next date because I fully expect the rejection thats coming. Saves time and avoids the negative energy.

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by raczbac View Post
                              Excellent point. How long does it take for a girl to know if there is chemistry? .
                              my husband was not the type of guy I was attracted to (tall,dark hair, slim) in fact, he was the opposite and caught me off guard when he asked me out and I couldn't think of a reason to turn him down
                              we worked at the same place and he actually "bugged" me because he kept trying to talk with me before he asked me out and I just wanted to get my work done

                              he just kept asking me out and we'd go fun places

                              when we started finishing off each other's sentences in the car when driving places, I think that did it for me plus he was a good kisser, lol
                              we got engaged after two mos

                              Comment


                              • how could we get engaged after two mos?
                                one of those mos, we went out 19 days in a row (since we worked together, it was easy for him to ask me out)

                                without fail, he'd open the car door for me when we went out and call me at home to chat after our dates

                                he made me laugh and still does

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