[Element]

Perhaps breaking the trend. You seem to be going after the same types of women, based on the same grounds, and are getting the same result. Perhaps try meeting a woman at a different venue than you originally do. You say that you have hobbies, try meeting a woman who has the same hobby as you. That right there is a common ground for you two.

There is also the option to make friends with the woman first. That way you know what kind of a person that she is, information about her; and then see if there is dating potential between the two of you.

[HisGirl]

I’m having trouble making sense of this too. So you’re getting the dates, but then something goes wrong during the date and its ends there. Sounds like you’re not doing anything wrong conversation wise or behavior wise, but are you coming across as very arrogant? Are you coming across as a player? Women can sense that pretty quickly.

Otherwise, it’s gotta’ be the type of women you’re dating. For a woman to not even be interested in finding out about you, your person, your interests doesn’t make sense. That’s what dates are for, to find out about the other person. What type of women are you going out with? Are they all the same? Are they very young and perhaps lose interest quickly if there’s not much in common? Do you just go after someone who's hot, but overlook personality? It has to be something in either the quality of women you're dating or the way you're coming off to them.

[MrDarcy]

I’m having trouble making sense of this too.

You and I both. It happens all the time. Every date I go on ends in a 'no chemistry' response via text.

So you’re getting the dates, but then something goes wrong during the date and its ends there. Sounds like you’re not doing anything wrong conversation wise or behavior wise, but are you coming across as very arrogant? Are you coming across as a player? Women can sense that pretty quickly.

This could certainly be the problem. How would I know if I'm coming across as arrogant or a player? I'm a pretty down to earth person but certainly have ambitions and goals in life. I certainly hope I'm not giving away these types of vibes. What would be some key indicators here that would turn off a lady's interest?

Otherwise, it’s gotta’ be the type of women you’re dating. For a woman to not even be interested in finding out about you, your person, your interests doesn't make sense. That’s what dates are for, to find out about the other person. What type of women are you going out with? Are they all the same? Are they very young and perhaps lose interest quickly if there’s not much in common? Do you just go after someone who's hot, but overlook personality? It has to be something in either the quality of women you're dating or the way you're coming off to them.

Yes, it doesn't make sense. After the date is over I feel the lady learned absolutely nothing about me even though I mention my interests and passions. I don't go for just hotties or anything like that either. I'm attracted to women who have similar goals and values as myself, have common interests, love travelling and are cultured etc etc. And yes, personality is important to me. In terms of age, they're all within my age bracket (35 y.o) or slightly younger.

The only other thing a friend has suggested is that it could be something physical, like bad breath, body odour or something like that. I'm pretty well groomed and dress very sharp, plus I wear a favorite Armani cologne when I go out. And yes, I also brush my teeth as well.

Happy to hear suggestions. All my male friends are completely lost on this one as I am. I'm also at the point where I've asked the dates for feedback afterwards but I feel I never get an honest response. Responses include; 'not my type', 'don't think we clicked the way I wanted to', 'the feelings weren't' there for me'. Not sure if they're throw away lines to be polite or if they're actually genuine.

[HisGirl]

Ok, I’ll give it a shot Mr. Darcy.

So for the arrogance/player thing, some flags would be, are you overly complimentary? I mean for example, if she's average looking, but you're telling her she's gorgeous (at least on a first date) she'll see through that. We know what we are and we know what we're not. I’m not saying compliments aren’t valued, but someone who’s not being genuine will go overboard with them. Another flag would be if you were talking about a future very early on, ie. all the places you want to take her, future planning, that could come across as trying too hard and put you in that player category.

Bragging often comes across as arrogance. If you're well-traveled and well read, and you like the finer things in life and you talk about that a lot during your dates, she could think you're showing off. I'm not criticizing, don't get me wrong, but there's a hint of bragging in your posts here, (Armani cologne, dressing sharp, dates lots of women), and you might be coming off that way in conversation also without even realizing you’re doing it. Dropping label names, etc. can make you look like your trying too hard or are materialistic. If you’re dating quality, mature women, they might get turned off by that kind of thing.

It seems like you have high standards. There's nothing wrong with having high standards, ambitions and goals like you say you do, but if she thinks she won't be able to live up to your standards, maybe she believes she’s not educated or cultured enough for you, then she might take herself out of the game and just tell you you’re not her type or give you the no chemistry thing.

If you’re telling her all about yourself and they’re getting turned off, then there has to be something you’re telling her that they're not liking. How about making these first dates all about them? Find out about her interests, be the listener. Save your stuff for a second date?

This isn’t supposed to be a laundry list of what you may be doing wrong, I’m sorry if it comes across that way. I really don’t know you and this is all guesses of course. I’m sure you’re great and all, its really hard to speculate, but I doubt it has anything to do with oral hygiene or grooming, lol!

[DrFistington]

I'm another guy that's had the same problem recently. I've met a few girls online, we found each other attractive enough to start talking, had great conversations via text and email, and then went out on a date. Talked for hours, got along well, had a lot in common, but at the end of the night I got a handshake, and then a text saying she didn't feel any chemistry. As far as looks go, she was entirely within my 'league', actually a bit thicker than I usually go for, but it was in the right places, and combined with her personality, I found her attractive, and personally I wouldn't spend several hours after a dinner talking to someone if I didn't feel any chemistry, so her response was a bit perplexing for me. I think some good advice though (or at least some things I think I've done wrong in the past) is to:

A. Talk as little as possible unless asked a question. Women like to talk, they like to be listened to, and they like attention. I think that as guys, we're conditioned for conversations that involve even exchanges and one-upmanship. Women tend to prefer uneven exchanges, where you are primarily an attentive listener. Also, women like a bit of mystery, so try not to reveal too much about yourself at first. Give them enough information to keep wanting to come back for more. If you tell them too much about yourself, they'll assume they know you, and if they don't feel like the rabbit hole gets any deeper, they won't venture down it.

B. Limit conversation about friends. Think about if for a bit. Is what you do with your guy friends the same stuff that you would do with you're girlfriend? Is what you and your guy friends think is awesome and hilarious the same as what she'll think is awesome and hilarious? Probably not. Telling too many stories about past exploits with friends can maker her tune out, and make you seem immature. Think about when a girl tells you a story about an 'amazing' time she had with her friends. Its probably kind of lame by your standards. That's a two lane highway, most of your stories are probably lame by her standards. That's why you don't get rid of your friends once you're in a relationship.

C. Put some thought into the beverage you order. If she doesn't order an alcoholic beverage, you should probably refrain from ordering one as well. Sure she may enjoy drinking, and you may too, but some girls find it a turn off if you order an alcoholic beverage on a first date, or they may see it as some kind of 'red flag'.

D. Watch your posture and body language, attempt to reciprocate hers

As for what chemistry really means, I guess that depends on how cynical you want to be. To me, an analogy that helped put things in perspective is if you think of chemistry as a frequency, and then think of FM radio. If a radio station is playing a song you love, will you listen to it even if the station is losing signal and there's tons of static? Probably not. To me that's what a 'lack of chemistry' is. You may overall like the other person, but you're just on two different wavelengths.

Of course the Cynical side of the equation is that Chemistry could just be here way of saying "I'm a girl on an internet dating site, and I'm also talking to like 10 other guys, and while I think you're ok, I also think I can do better with relatively low effort"

[soph_walker]

It seems as though you have no problem getting to the first date (which is a battle in itself if I'm correct?!).

From a woman's p.o.v, the dates where I've felt I had chemistry have been mostly if I've felt the guy I'm on a date with feels genuinely relaxed and confident as a person. Whether or not they've felt genuinely relaxed/confident is probably another matter haha, but this has made me feel relaxed in turn, which has opened up the doors to 'chemistry' so to speak.

I do believe that chemistry is one of those 50/50 things - you either have it or you don't, but what I'm driving at is that if you are overcome by the desire to create interest - make sure you remember to enjoy being in the moment as this helps to create a relaxed mood.

A first date is a nerve wracking experience, but remember, the other person is probably just as likely to be internalising scenarios as you - remember to have fun and to smile!

Wishing you luck on your future dates

[LindsyLindsy]

Chemistry is when you feel at home with someone. So, you like that person physically, he says the right things, he behaves the right way, he has the right values, probably even the same sense oh humor. Notice that "right" is a mere subjective perception of the other person.

[JoeWhite]

If I may. ..Gentlemen, it's not you. It seems like a paradox to say so but hear me out...

Don't you rather have it this way around than finding out later there was a guy in varsity or a colleague that exuded this brilliant confidence she was after and all the right "chemistry" but you were "not bad" either. She had other expectations. It could also be a bit more calculated from her than what you would expect.
                                   
Chemistry could be true and real or it could also be a passing fad, temporary, and it's usually not lasting in most relationships. Each of your opinions are sound and it makes sense. It could also just be about timing. It could be all or one of those mentioned and even the unmentioned. If only we could be of a simpler time when choices, choices, choices didn't prevail against good ol' common sense and making up one's mind. Then there's emotion. Oh and these do change. Radically even from day to day or with time. How do we "love" someone and once it's over "hate" them? I, for one have learnt to not only trust in emotions or that gut feel but we can't say that genders are so far apart or male this and female that. 

What you're doing is getting perspective and making progress and that, my friend, is the most important thing. Self-interest is of high value. (Not self centeredness or being self absorbed....obviously) Learn to get better in every aspect and not get too critical of yourself or self esteem will take a knock in the end.

You are becoming well rounded and balanced and for trying you are a better man than most. I'm sorry to say but Hollywood portrays the "Hero" as a stud without flaws and in some cases that is used as the benchmark. Reality is you're only human. Focus on your strong points and improve on whatever you feel is worth improving.

Rejection isn't failure and failure isn't final nor is success everlasting. When you've met the one you want to be with those many dates would be inconsequential or even beneficial. Who knows? 

Good luck.
J

[raczbac]

Really good posts here. I get the no chemistry/no connection comment every time. In fact I've come to believe I have no idea what chemistry would feel like if it hit me in the face. So when I hear that comment it feels like a total rejection of who I am as a person. The few actual attempts at a definition made by women on this site seem to be saying it is feeling relaxed with someone while also being attracted. I guess. But here's the infuriating thing, if it's about feeling relaxed just let the guy be nice to you for god sake. I try so friking hard to be nice on these dates. Why doesn't that make someone feel relaxed? What's worse
being nice on a date is viewed as an unattractive thing in this twisted society. If a girl tries to be nice to me I don't see that as being unattractive. I feel really good about it and like her more not less. One suggestion I heard above is probably the best. Just shut up on dates and don't ever talk about what your thinking or feeling. Strategy for success.

[amy40]

One suggestion I heard above is probably the best. Just shut up on dates and don't ever talk about what your thinking or feeling. Strategy for success.

that probably is a good strategy at first because when you meet someone, you want to be interested in them and find out about them
if you are doing all the talking, the person will quickly tune you out for not showing interest in them

as you get to know each other further along, then the give and take in conversation more readily happens