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Ladies Opinion: What does 'No Chemistry' really mean?

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  • we went out earlier this year on a date and we pretended (my idea) that it was our second date and that we didn't know each other
    ​​I even told the waitress it was our second date

    he said the most bizarre answers when I asked him questions on our date
    I laughed the whole time


    • Interesting. So you didn't know there was chemistry until after going out a while I guess. Here's my last and most important question on this whole topic. If chemistry isn't any one thing, which is what i seem to be hearing, is it possible for a girl to feel chemistry with a "nice guy"? Or is it the kiss of death as many articles I've read suggest. I mean what if the guy is "nice" but doesn't exude self confidence like Joe Alpha but has other redeeming qualities like intelligent, kind, respectful, devoted, you know old fashioned stuff like that. Can a girl feel chemistry with someone like that?


      • Originally posted by raczbac View Post
        intelligent, kind, respectful, devoted, you know old fashioned stuff like that. Can a girl feel chemistry with someone like that?
        I married the nice, devoted, intelligent guy
        feel lots of chemistry with him now (more than when we were in our 20's)

        the tall, dark, handsome, "playboy" didn't go past the 4 th date cause he only wanted to sleep with me
        and I wasn't willing to compromise my values


        • ******* there's hope!


          • Originally posted by amy40 View Post
            he made me laugh and still does
            Making a lady laugh is a key thing.
            I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
            Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

            From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


            • Ok ladies one more request for free advice. How can I tell if a girl is experiencing the chemistry without asking? The feeling in the kiss maybe?


              • Popcorn&Candy

                this is something for the single women to answer




                • "Chemistry" is difficult to define, as you say. I believe it has something to do with the pheromones and other "signals" we all put off. I think there's a good reason it came to be called chemistry-because it's a sort of chemical response. I've dated some gorgeous men, but had no "chemistry" with them. I think there's an instinctive sort of thing that happens, and I think there's some science out there to support it, though I've not read anything on it for probably 15 yrs. Everything in the world is chemistry and math.
                  I did come across something interesting about a person's smell, and what it means when we like/don't like a person's smell, when we get close to them. I don't mean their cologne, I mean their natural scent.

                  For me, yes, it takes time. There's really been no time in my life that I've met someone and felt instant "chemistry". Maybe attracted instantly on occasion, but seldom that chemistry. Often the attraction fades when no chemistry develops. More often an attraction develops as the chemistry does. Someone who suits my needs is immensely attractive to me.

                  And unfortunately, I doubt you'd know whether the woman was experiencing chemistry. Maybe some women/men would be astute and key in to it, but more often not. This is a good time to simply ask if there's anything happening for her. Let her know your interest level and hopefully she will reciprocate.

                  raczbac, dating just sucks as we get older, especially if you're looking for a steady, committed relationship. That's my opinion and experience. Goes back to that math thing...lol
                  I'm 45, and it seems the men I date in my age range, have already had the marriage, the committed lifestyle and now want to be unattached and careless. Very few are looking to get back into that.

                  And yes, nice guys DO turn the heads of women. What I've experienced is the extremes. They're either so nice that they're doormats, and have no opinions or ideas to bring to the table, and follow me around like a sick puppy. Or they are so dominating that they won't hear my perspective and treat everyone as dung on their shoes.

                  So, chemistry and math.
                  We're playing the odds with dating. lol


                  • Thanks Kitty. You just read so much stuff online about what women like and how to act it's hard to know what to do when you're actually in the moment. Be funny, be confident, be comfortable in your skin, a zillion things. I try and just have a good time but so far that hasn't panned out to more than 1 or 2 dates. Keep soldiering on I suppose.


                    • Originally posted by raczbac View Post
                      You just read so much stuff online about what women like and how to act it's hard to know what to do when you're actually in the moment
                      everyone is different

                      if you are busy thinking how you are "supposed" to act, you probably aren't being yourself
                      although most people are on their best behavior at first


                      • I think an important thing is to just relax and enjoy the journey. I've stopped looking for a boyfriend, although that is what I'd want eventually. When I meet someone any more, I just take the moment for what it is. Enjoy the company and let come what may.
                        I'm much happier since I stopped trying very hard.


                        • Thanks Kitty. Relaxing is hard to do on the first meet but I'm getting better at it. At this age I figure what difference does it make anyway.

                          Sooooo, Kitty, where do you live?


                          • Well one more date one more 'No Chemistry' notice today, although they didn't use that precise language. I find it truly amazing that I meet girls who seem to have a really good time when we meet, they go home think about it, and invariably come to the same conclusion. I mean its not like I'm dating people out of my age range. They are all in their 50's and early 60's. I used to think girls that age would be less demanding, but apparently the opposite is the case. Maybe they expect the guy to have all the positive attributes they were missing before, or something like that. Or maybe they just say they want the nice guy, but when they are actually presented with one they run for the hills. Pretty darn discouraging.


                            • Originally posted by raczbac View Post
                              They are all in their 50's and early 60's. I used to think girls that age would be less demanding
                              sorry it's so discouraging raczbac

                              but it's hard to turn back time
                              it's just easier to date in your 20's.......there's no baggage
                              (i.e. former spouses, kids, grandkids in the mix plus bodies are young which adds to attraction)

                              people and their lives get more complicated as they age not less


                              • raczbac, these ladies are very likely picking up on the frustration and bewilderment you're experiencing, and that may be part of the vibe that's preventing the "chemistry" to occur. If there's any hint of desperation, that's that for me, or anyone really, whether the desperation is really there or not. Most of us, men and women, can sense the underlying thought process of someone, and learn very quickly whether or not it fits with ours, or at least whether it's something workable.

                                Look at your post. You say something about thinking women would be less demanding at this age? What does that mean? Who's demanding anything on a first date, or even a 6th date for that matter? If you think simply being a "good guy" is enough, you're wrong. I've dated lots of good guys, but they weren't right for me. A few I've remained friends with.
                                Good guys come in lots of forms. I have lots of expectations, standards I have for a man that is going to be in my life. Any ol' good guy won't do. I'm not demanding anyone live up to that, but the man that IS already possessing similar values, will be the one I accept into my life. I'm pretty happy alone, have a pretty full plate, so no, I don't feel the need to date someone that I know isn't going to fit with me long term. Nobody's got time for that. lol

                                Are you looking to find someone who's RIGHT for you also? or just someone who doesn't deem you to be the "wrong" one?
                                Maybe you can re-evaluate your own selection process also, I don't know. Just a thought. Rather than wonder why they tossed you aside, are you even thinking they were a good fit for you anyway? I'm sure you're a great dude, but that doesn't make you right for every woman who's looking for a good guy. And same should be so for you...every good woman shouldn't be on your short list. Is she really going to complement your life in a meaningful way?

                                Bottom line is, it's tough. At younger ages (going back to the math thing), the "pool" of suitable mates is much deeper. The numbers of people with which we mesh, are greater, and as we age, those numbers dwindle for various reasons. Our criteria also changes, and there's an increase in the things we find to be deal-breakers. So, between the math and chemistry, it's hard

                                One of the men I'm speaking to now, has a lot of great characteristics. We've seen each other 3 times over about a 1 month period maybe. So, we're hardly getting to know each other. I like him, but there's something I've not decided yet whether a negative or whether I've misinterpreted some things. On our last meeting, I was thinking I'd been wrong, and so I continued on. Since then (over a week), he texted some things that make me doubt again. I've been very honest with him, that a lot I feel good about, but I'm not sure about dating him. He's fine with going slow and getting to know each other more. I've been honest, I'm not leading him on and I've not been foolish enough to give him ideas so he can cover his true self. I've simply set boundaries, and said that I have reservations. He's respected that, what more can I ask? He's free to pursue other options, and so am I.
                                I want him to be happy too-to find the person that fits best with him. If I'm not that person, that's ok. He deserves to be happy as much as I do.

                                If I were you, I'd work on just being still and letting things evolve at the pace they will. Look for your own mate, rather than looking for who you might match with, which is what I am sort of seeing here. Some great things happen when we shift that focus. Doesn't mean you'll find "the one" (whatever that is), but you'll find some peace in your journey and in your life.



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