[Popcorn&Candy]

You sound like a great guy, so I don't understand why the girls you've been on dates with would say there's no chemistry. You have to know that this is their loss and the right woman is waiting for you. I don't really have any advice, but keep trying. You're definitely someone's ideal person, so forget those girls. I do also think a lot of people go through the dating cycle like yourself and hear " there's no chemistry". I guess - along with everyone else dating - you have to carry on going out and just keep trying. Don't give up.

[raczbac]

Wow, actual replies from people with expertise on the matter. Who nu? Thanks very much for the information. Follow up question. Is the 'no chemistry/connection' comment really just code for 'boring'? I would personally rather hear the cold truth, at lease it gives you an idea of what to work on. Which leads to my next follow up. Do you think girls are more intolerant of boredom than guys? It seems that way. I mean I get bored all the time, big whoop. Its a lot of pressure to feel like you have to be an entertainer on these dates. I don't know man, I wish things would just be easy. Random thoughts from an insomniac at 4 AM.

[amy40]

I wish things would just be easy. .

how old are you and where are you taking your dates?

[atskitty2]

I think that chemistry is a combination of things in relationships. For friendships, it's one sort of combination, for romantic relationships it's another. I recently spent some time getting to know a new guy, and after a few weeks there was just nothing building on the sort of "getting to know you" phase. No "chemistry". I wasn't eager to get to spend more time, not wanting to get closer, in a physical way, etc. The friendship was there, he's a great guy, but that little something that makes me want to kiss them or have him hold my hand, or learn more about what makes him who he is, was just not happening for me. I told him that I didn't see the relationship evolving into more than friendship.
No, it's not a matter of boredom, necessarily, tho' I guess that could be a way to describe it. The guy I'm speaking of was anything but boring-he owns a restaurant, he has a very active social life, is into sports and volunteer activities. He's a great man, just not the "right" man for me. I wasn't developing a sense of bonding with him, a strong attraction to him, even tho' we actually have a lot in common. I admire him in many ways, and respect him, but that "something" was just not there for me.

Building the sort of relationship that lasts, that satisfies both needs on so many levels, starts with much more than being "nice". Of course, we want to be mannerly, considerate and listen in those early stages getting to know someone. There is an interest that is piqued with certain people, and that is part of chemistry.

I've dated tons of nice guys, who did absolutely nothing wrong. There was just no higher sort of interest there for me. I may not be the best person for this explanation, as I've dated tons of men and have felt this connection to only a handful. I think I understand the difference tho, in what I'm looking for and what I need, and what the past relationships were about. I know that I'm not willing to settle for a relationship that doesn't have this unique connection, or chemistry, and I think others shouldn't either

[a_dub]

I think that chemistry is a combination of things in relationships. For friendships, it's one sort of combination, for romantic relationships it's another. I recently spent some time getting to know a new guy, and after a few weeks there was just nothing building on the sort of "getting to know you" phase. No "chemistry". I wasn't eager to get to spend more time, not wanting to get closer, in a physical way, etc. The friendship was there, he's a great guy, but that little something that makes me want to kiss them or have him hold my hand, or learn more about what makes him who he is, was just not happening for me. I told him that I didn't see the relationship evolving into more than friendship.
No, it's not a matter of boredom, necessarily, tho' I guess that could be a way to describe it. The guy I'm speaking of was anything but boring-he owns a restaurant, he has a very active social life, is into sports and volunteer activities. He's a great man, just not the "right" man for me. I wasn't developing a sense of bonding with him, a strong attraction to him, even tho' we actually have a lot in common. I admire him in many ways, and respect him, but that "something" was just not there for me.

Building the sort of relationship that lasts, that satisfies both needs on so many levels, starts with much more than being "nice". Of course, we want to be mannerly, considerate and listen in those early stages getting to know someone. There is an interest that is piqued with certain people, and that is part of chemistry.

I've dated tons of nice guys, who did absolutely nothing wrong. There was just no higher sort of interest there for me. I may not be the best person for this explanation, as I've dated tons of men and have felt this connection to only a handful. I think I understand the difference tho, in what I'm looking for and what I need, and what the past relationships were about. I know that I'm not willing to settle for a relationship that doesn't have this unique connection, or chemistry, and I think others shouldn't either

Kitty, so sounds like there was something unattractive about him. Do you know what it was? I have also heard the "no chemistry" line millions of times and figured it was the polite way of saying someone is too ugly to date. Not necessarily in terms of looks.

for example I had a female friend (who I was very attracted to) tell me she wouldn't date me because of the way I walked. I assume that was not the real reason and nicer than saying it was my face that was the problem, lol.

[raczbac]

Well I am 60 and generally take them for coffee, a drink, or maybe a hike. Nothing super fancy on the initial meetup. I am reasonably normal looking I think. I mean I get lots of interest online and my pictures are accurate. So it feels like something happens in person that wrecks the online persona. Kitty, it sounds like what you are saying is that chemistry is one of those intangibles you cant define, either its there or it ain't. That is is exactly what girls have said to me when I press them on it. And I could accept that if every once in a while there WAS someone who felt chemistry with me. But there never is. Its like the fricking Twilight Zone, same thing with different people. I keep plowing forward because I don't really have much to lose and its easy to do with the internet. But I sure wish it were more. Funny when I was young, before the internet, I met a whole lot fewer people but actually had more relationships.

[jns]

Well I am 60 and generally take them for coffee, a drink, or maybe a hike. Nothing super fancy on the initial meetup. I am reasonably normal looking I think. I mean I get lots of interest online and my pictures are accurate. So it feels like something happens in person that wrecks the online persona. Kitty, it sounds like what you are saying is that chemistry is one of those intangibles you cant define, either its there or it ain't. That is is exactly what girls have said to me when I press them on it. And I could accept that if every once in a while there WAS someone who felt chemistry with me. But there never is. Its like the fricking Twilight Zone, same thing with different people. I keep plowing forward because I don't really have much to lose and its easy to do with the internet. But I sure wish it were more. Funny when I was young, before the internet, I met a whole lot fewer people but actually had more relationships.

It sounds like the ladies are trying to come up with an answer before getting to know you. The chemistry is not always an instantanious thing. Maybe the internet works better because there isn't such a rush.

[raczbac]

Excellent point. How long does it take for a girl to know if there is chemistry? Or more accurately, to know that there isn't chemistry. One date, two, more? A lot of times I don't bother calling for the next date because I fully expect the rejection thats coming. Saves time and avoids the negative energy.

[amy40]

Excellent point. How long does it take for a girl to know if there is chemistry? .

my husband was not the type of guy I was attracted to (tall,dark hair, slim) in fact, he was the opposite and caught me off guard when he asked me out and I couldn't think of a reason to turn him down
we worked at the same place and he actually "bugged" me because he kept trying to talk with me before he asked me out and I just wanted to get my work done

he just kept asking me out and we'd go fun places

when we started finishing off each other's sentences in the car when driving places, I think that did it for me plus he was a good kisser, lol
we got engaged after two mos

[amy40]

how could we get engaged after two mos?
one of those mos, we went out 19 days in a row (since we worked together, it was easy for him to ask me out)

without fail, he'd open the car door for me when we went out and call me at home to chat after our dates

he made me laugh and still does