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Ladies Opinion: What does 'No Chemistry' really mean?

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  • Truth hurts, but you're right I'm sure. I mean I do have some minimal criteria (nice, sensitive, attractive, intelligent) but the first person that comes in the ballpark of those criteria would be just fine for me as long as they find me acceptable. None of them do however so my criteria are kind of pointless. I have I've never had much confidence and I think that's what these girls are sensing and the desperation for sure. The thing is if you're honest with them, you're a sick puppy as you call it, if you lie and try to be someone you're not its stressful and they pick up on it right away. Not much in between there. Truth is I stuck it out in an unhappy marriage for 26 years because I was aware of my limitations, but I finally said screw it and took a risk anyway. Either the smartest or stupidest thing I ever did. But being alone is just so unacceptable. I'll have to do as you say and just chill out, maybe find some friends and other interests. Thanks Kitty, appreciate your feedback.

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    • raczbac have you considered traveling to other countries in your quest to find a compatible lady?
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      ...
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

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      • No not really. I've had a lot of bad experience with scammers online from other countries, like Russia and Ghana particularly. You think American girls are just too picky then?

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        • Online is not the real world. Scammers can be found everywhere. I would not say picky, but women using different criteria may be a better fit.
          I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
          ...
          Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

          From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

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          • Kitty I just had a couple of points on your last note. First you say just being a 'good guy' isn't enough. I agree it isn't everything but in my mind it counts for a lot. I certainly think a 'good girl' counts for a lot and married two of them (separately). Do you think it would be better if we weren't good guys, aka, ****heads?

            But my other point is this. You say you run for the hills if a guy seems desperate. How can you tell if a guy is desperate? Do you read minds? What are the red flags?

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            • no offense raczbac but do you think women might be wary of a twice divorced man?
              do the women you're dating know that ahead of time or only find that out on your first date?

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              • Well I don't put it on my profile but it usually does come up on the first date. But I mean why is that a scarlet letter or something? They were both totally different circumstances. First wife was a 4 year marriage and she left me for another guy, second wife was 26 years and I left out of total isolation and lack of intimacy. All the women I meet have had multiple relationships, some with more than one marriage. I don't care about their past, unless it's something really extreme I guess.

                Do you think it's best to not talk about your past relationships on the first date?

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                • Originally posted by raczbac View Post
                  Do you think it's best to not talk about your past relationships on the first date?
                  we sure didn't; barely spoke on first date as I was so shy
                  what about you atskitty2 ?

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                  • I'm not meaning to imply that being a good guy isn't important, it is. But, what's a good guy to me, may not be to another woman. Goes back to the different standards we all have. Genuinely being a good person with a caring heart and gentle soul, yes. But that can very quickly become entangled with having no backbone, no balls to stand up for himself or his family.

                    Very fine line there, and too often they are not separate, in my experience. Quite frankly, if given the choice, I would absolutely choose the guy who's a little rough around the edges and has some harshness, over a guy that allows everyone, including me, to trample him, because he won't speak up for himself.
                    Does that make sense? It's those fine details in our personalities that set us apart. I'm a pretty strong, take charge kind of girl and I need a man who's going to be able to speak his mind as well, not be intimidated by me. That happens. He won't earn my respect that way, and without respect, there's little to build on.
                    Now I'm not suggesting that I want a jerk. But some guys seem to have no voice or action in anything and it's a real turn off.

                    As to your other question: Desperation can be discovered in the early chats, or once you've dated a little. It's usually a sense of hurrying or a rush to move the relationship along, that I've expressed to be uncomfortable about. Or just comments they make. Again, not always a concrete thing, just an attitude or way of conducting themselves.

                    Regarding amys comment, I wouldn't necessarily find a man who'd had a 26 yr marriage to be a red flag. It totally depends on the circumstances. Obviously, there's no issue with commitment if you can be married for 26 yrs.

                    What i sometimes do find alarming is men who are 40 to 50 & have never had a relationship lasting more than a year or two, or maybe 3. That's a good idea for me that they won't stick around when things get tough.

                    As to jns suggestion, I've almost considered that route myself. I know many men who grew up in other countries, mostly Europe, eastern Europe and they are generally much better prepared adults and more appealing to me, from a personality and values standpoint. I've not pursued that yet tho.

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                    • Appreciate your comments Kitty. Do you think our parents/grandparents spent years looking for the perfect person and developed all these criteria to find them? I mean my parents met once at a pool, went out for a while, got married and stayed together 70 years. My question is this. What percentage of the men you have actually dated have met the 'Nice Guy with Balls' standard vs Mr. No Balls here? Not trying to make light of your comments, just want to know what I am up against.

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                      • Originally posted by raczbac View Post
                        Do you think our parents/grandparents spent years looking for the perfect person and developed all these criteria to find them?
                        it's a different world raczbac and most women are working fulltime now
                        I know several single career women over 30, some who date occasionally but some don't date at all

                        one career woman (never been married) just bought acres of land and had a house built for HERSELF and dog
                        once I commented about her working so much and she said "that's why I make the big bucks"

                        all these single woman I know have houses, careers, family, friends, and very busy lives
                        I think a man would have to fit into their lives and not the other way around

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                        • And this is supposed to be a better way to live? I think after reading all these posts, and I do appreciate them a lot, I'm coming to the conclusion I'm just gonna have to give up on the idea of any kind of intimacy for a while, like your friends. A really bitter pill given the lack of intimacy in my marriage all those years. So be it. I won't come off as desperate any more, but I also won't have much fun either. Better than sitting alone in an empty apartment I suppose, but not by much.

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by raczbac View Post
                            I won't come but I also won't have much fun either.
                            why can't you ENJOY being single for a little while?
                            if you have fun doing activities by yourself, you may draw another fun loving single person to yourself


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                            • I suppose you're right Amy. Thanks for all the advice.

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                              • Originally posted by raczbac View Post
                                I suppose you're right Amy. Thanks for all the advice.
                                your welcome but I wouldn't say that I'm right
                                sometimes there's just no easy answer

                                don't give up on love

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