[jen1447]

This may seem like a dumb question but bear with me - has he told you his birthday?

[jen1447]

Back to the touchy-feely approach for a minute, I'm kinda waffling ....I mean I see your point about potential incompatibilities, and it seems early to me for him to be having hurt feelings that he shows you, but on the other hand you can't really expect that this guy is gonna be some kinda robot. People just have their hangups, right?

I'm still mainly worried a bit about your intuition and some of the inconsistencies.

[atskitty2]

Yeah, Jen he has. Oddly enough its just a few days from my own.

Dude, (Archer) I totally see your point and I agree with you to some extent. I believe it isn't my business what he does at any time at this point, I answered honestly. Unless it affects me, and this visitor didn't. Did I want to know, not really but it bothers me more that he felt like he owed an explanation after I'd forgotten it ever happened-30 or more minutes later. I said, only if I need to know...and I figured I didn't. But HE felt the need to ask. Then, the following day he brought it up again...that's when it started really making me feel uneasy. Why so much concern about this visitor? I don't get it...

So, you're misunderstanding just a bit why it really raises questions in my mind...it isn't that it happened, its more his making a big deal of it that alerts me. Bringing up a knock at the door 24 hrs after the fact...I don't remember when folks stop by my house to chat...I don't think of it a day later...and I'd forgotten about this by then but lo and behold, it was still on his mind.

[atskitty2]

and fwiw, I did say to him on that second day, that if he just wants to tell me what the visitor was there for & all, I'll gladly listen, but that I just didn't think much of it, or think it was my business or concern, unless it was something about me or someone coming after me...etc. He didn't continue after that.
And yes, Jen I hear you about a robot...and I love that he wants to spend time together & I appreciate all those things...I've not said anything about the great qualities that he has, that keep me interested. Yes, I'm asking advice on the negatives that have my alarms going off...that just seem to keep popping up & I can't overlook.

It's things like, looking over my schedule before he left here last night...he spotted it on my refrigerator & looked it over, made some comments from that which were just indicative that he wants more of my time...which is GREAT, don't get me wrong, but 1, it's a little presumptive to look at my schedule & start deciding how my time will be spent...
Ah, I give up...tell me what y'all think...I gotta go to work...again! Don't question me! I'm REALLY going to work again! LOL

[jen1447]

I truly hate to be the naysayer again lol but ....I just don't like the sound of the time management/labor management/any management thing, it smacks of controller issues to me, and scarily, controller is only one step away from abuser. So there - in one sentence I've got this guy typed as an evil abuser!

He's probably not that of course, but I just don't like it and I have to shoot ya straight hon.

Another odd tangent ...do you keep a neat home? From what I gather, people with control/abuse tendencies are often neat freaks and will have trouble restraining themselves from addressing what they see as unkempt conditions. Likewise 'laziness' (what they perceive as). Might be another test you could try - be lazy and messy and see how he reacts. It won't be all out war because at this stage (assuming the abuser profile for the moment) he'll still be in charm mode, but his tells might be things like calling you a silly name like "lazybones" that betrays his feelings on that, or something similar with any mess he has trouble dealing with.

[atskitty2]

The controller possibility came to mind-more from his cold reaction to my refusing his efforts to fix the problem at my house. My house is neat but not freakishly neat or clean-it stays in order most of the time. I probably wouldn't go so far as to messy up the house just to analyze his reaction, but I'm with you on that concept.

I wouldn't be expecting or assuming someone was spending all spare time with me, after 2 wks and that to me was just beyond annoying.

I really don't think he is a bad guy or that he has some horrible thing to hide-that truly isn't what's concerning to me. I think he just isn't what he's presenting himself to be.

I finally asked him his last name, and he was quite hesitant to tell me-almost like he had to decide if he would answer...several minutes later. He talks about his businesses a lot, and one day at dinner he commented that he can't make payroll for that week. My first thought was, why am I hearing this? And why is he telling me all the things he's spending money on and he can't pay his employees? Yes I know many businesses have back up, he assured me his peeps would be paid, but I just feel like, we aren't there yet...I don't need to know all the specs and numbers of his biz which he frequently brings up.

I think he's very into his image and portraying the successful businessman. I'm beginning to doubt it is true at all. Another sort of metaphor that hit me is this: I drove up to his house to find a beautifully manicured lawn with all the landscaping done, even at this time of year! It was beautiful! I walked in the door and the house is essentially gutted! He has the whole living area in construction to the point you couldn't cook in the kitchen, no floor & some walls out, & it has been this way for years now he said. It just made me think that me manicures the parts people see, so as to keep up his image, while the part he really lives in is almost nonfunctional.
Over thinking? Probably. It would be different if he was in progress-been that way for years!! No money for that, but the outside is pristine. His choice, his home, but I found it odd, as a woman.
Sure I get that a businessman has an image to uphold, but I think it should be realistic... This just added to my already brewing theory that things were a little off in his business dealings...

And I'm getting to a point that I simply don't look fwd to seeing him again...the other night at the bar, he actually was throwing ice at/with the servers. He's 49-just seemed a little childish, and I wondered if it was his way of trying my easygoing nature...I didn't tell him to stop, but I did ask if he realized the servers could get in trouble and he could get us kicked out...it was just not a cool thing to be doing.

I guess I know I probably need to just end it, and I'm not sure why I haven't. I keep hoping it'll all make sense and the inconsistent stories will come together...but that's not happening. I do like so many things about him.
OK so again, I've given some info lacking all the details, fodder for more questions...so hit me with what jumps out at you here...

[Claret]

Have you ever done a search on him or his company? Contact the better business bureau to see what the status is in the community. You can request a public search by police to see if he ever has had any restraining orders placed against him, or any other type of charge for that matter. Sometimes you need to do this to get to the bottom of inconsistencies.

[jen1447]

Let's try a different tack when you get a chance - tell us some of his good qualities and see how that feels/sounds.

[atskitty2]

It isn't violence I'm really thinking here Claret, but yes I have searched him and his businesses and it all seems legit, clean and respectable.

As for positive qualities, he is smart and hard working (as best I can tell) lol
He has a great personality-outgoing, friendly and a great sense of humor, we get along well just chatting away at everything. He seems to be a good dad, although that's all his own words. He dresses well.

Hhmmm...

[Archer]

The ice thing sounds a little weird.

I dunno, I've either clicked with people or not. At this point, even if he was a decent dude, I don't think he has a fair chance