[DreamP346]

This just my personal opinion (not an expert), but I've found that when people are trying really hard to get something (relationship, marriage, pregnancy) is when it becomes harder to get. When people just relax and take a more lax attitude and tell themselves that having fun is more important, they seem to achieve their goals. Maybe the person doesn't come off as desperately seeking a relationship or maybe they are more comfortable being themselves instead of putting up a perfect image, they become more attractive. Again just an opinion.

Also, having fun doesn't necessarily mean casual sex. To me, it means being friends and having a good time together without making a commitment and talking long term. Kind of like continually dating somebody.

Again, just a different perspective.

[jns]

know you think he was misleading by the picture but I bet 99.9% of people put their best pics out there even if a picture was taken 5 yrs ago and maybe his was, but if everyone put what exactly they looked like, including women without hair and makeup perfect, would anyone date?

That would be something, requiring a dating site photo of someone without any grooming, such as just after waking up. Ha, that's what you'll get if you sleep over more than a few times.

[Ashlee T.]

BD, I will refer you to some of what I responded to lithium above. How do I NOT mention it? As much as it doesn't define me, it does impact my daily life still. Every day I have to recommit myself to living this way or I DO see changes. 2 wks ago, My Lab work results show that the disease is NOT in remission. I'm simply controlling symptoms. I have not beat this thing yet. I am still fighting every day to keep up this quality of life. and **** proud of it. Lol

So, I guess my approach has been to, explain first why I may need to have a special moment later. I'd rather they know early that, I am a special needs gal! Lol

I'm being dramatic there to demonstrate that I don't want to be perceived as misleading, as I so often think men are with me.

As to your other question, I think I have been at times, but not usually. In looking back, I think the times I have been genuinely impressed with someone and fully interested, it's been such a shock and I've been so glad to have someone to get to know, it's excited me.

Since I became sick, I feel my whole approach to dating changed. I'd be surprised if that happened now-that I got too involved or interested until much Later in the development. I simply have too much else to do with taking care of myself.

Does that make any sense?

It makes perfect sense. I completely understand WHY you want to share that information and I don't blame you for that. BUT (isn't there always one? ), the disease, albeit present, is not keeping you from living a relatively normal life. There are lots and lots of things that could be "wrong" with a person that could negatively impact a relationship down the road. Let's say that someone is a recovering drug addict and maybe they've been in recovery for years, live a relatively normal life, but sometimes concessions have to be made in a relationship to accommodate that recovery. Telling that to someone on the first date would scare most people off. There would be nothing wrong with waiting, seeing if there is genuine interest/chemistry, and then having that discussion a bit down the road. If it scares the person off, then so be it.

Where food is concerned and how it leads into health issues, I don't see why it has to. "The healthier I eat, the better I feel." is a suitable response and in my opinion, deserves no further explanation. For example, if I had IBS (I don't, thankfully) and had certain food choices and someone I was on the first date or two with mentioned my eating choices, I'd not reveal my IBS. I'd rather not give my date images of me having the squirts. :-D

I just think someone needs the opportunity to see YOU for you. Let them see your beauty, your energy, your ability to have fun, your ability to live a normal life, and THEN when they find out about your illness they'll think "Dang...that sucks...but it doesn't seem to be stopping her." It has to be up to you though. If revealing that right off the bat is important to you and something you WANT to do, then you'll just have to accept the ramifications are what they are.

[amy40]

I just think someone needs the opportunity to see YOU for you. Let them see your beauty, your energy, your ability to have fun, your ability to live a normal life, and THEN when they find out about your illness they'll think "Dang...that sucks...but it doesn't seem to be stopping her."

agree
am always amazed, kitty, how you manage to work so many hrs, and keep a house, and two dogs

[atskitty2]

This is why I came to you all for feedback on this.

SP I don't think I'm desperate, as I seem to come across here and as you seem to perceive me. I have taken many hiatuses from dating... It's hardly been a priority. But I have a sort of purposeful dating idea in mind. THAT is what I sort of think I need to change, and I agree with you on that. So I'm glad you did bring that into the discussion, as I maybe hadn't realized the link between the two. (sharing personal info and being too goal minded)

And BD that is what I'm sensing I need to stop, I agree. This is why I came to you all. I have had advice from friends, male friends and family, that have advised me to take this approach of having the end product in mind from the start. Goal oriented dating. While they're all well meaning, I'm really beginning to think I'm approaching dating, and maybe life, all wrong the past few years.

I think the new job, the new city and a new life is a real opportunity for me to make some needed changes.

Amy I don't work near the hours I used to. I cut back greatly after I became ill, and my focus shifted from being so focused on work. I think I only logged 78 hrs the last 2 wks.

I feel such a relief. I think getting out of this stressful job will allow me to reacquaint myself with me. I haven't always been such a stick in the mud.

When a colleague learned I was leaving, she invited me to dinner. She was so happy for me, citing those who have left our professional environment and discovered so much of their lives had slipped away. She revealed that she too, was entertaining the idea of settling into another facet of our field, less demanding and stressful. She validated all my reasons, and told me of others that saved their marriages, by the personality changes that occur when we stop giving our life to this job. She hugged me so tight... It was so odd, as we are not that close at work. It was so meaningful for me.

Solidified my belief that major changes are to come. I will be working on just relaxing. Lol. Sounds so silly.

[jns]

When a colleague learned I was leaving, she invited me to dinner. She was so happy for me, citing those who have left our professional environment and discovered so much of their lives had slipped away. She revealed that she too, was entertaining the idea of settling into another facet of our field, less demanding and stressful. She validated all my reasons, and told me of others that saved their marriages, by the personality changes that occur when we stop giving our life to this job. She hugged me so tight... It was so odd, as we are not that close at work. It was so meaningful for me.

Maybe she was really asking your permission to make the jump, too. She found out if your circumstances were close to hers. In return, she gave you information on what had happened with others in similar circumstances. The hugging tightly was because she felt you were sisters in a way, having gone through the same battle at the same time.

Best wishes on the new job!

[Stillness]

BD's comment said exactly what I was thinking. It's being dishonest to withhold information from people who are entitled to it. Someone you've been on two dates with is not entitled to your full medical history. Put your best foot forward. People respect and appreciate that and won't mistake it for deception. It's not. It's just being smart.

sp, also has a point (minus the promiscuity) about being too goal-oriented. In my culture, dating means you're ready to get married immediately. But discretion, care, and not rushing things is still highly prized.

On a side note, have you seen fat, sick, and nearly dead? The hives reminded me of that documentary.

[amy40]

our kid had hives a couple times, head to toe
we finally figured it was the dog's bed as kid would roll around in it; just too much dog dander

we got new dog bed and convinced kid to stay off it so no more hives

kitty, do you let your dogs sleep on your bed?

[AlexHannah]

Hang in there, you'll find someone. I think the problem with something like online dating is it allows a person to judge someone mostly on their appearance while meeting someone in person adds some many more factors to an attraction such as personality, voice, etc.

[DreamP346]

I didn't mean to imply you are desperate. It's just an impression people can get especially when you are goal oriented. I'm guessing you want to weed out the people who don't meet your criteria right off the bat so you don't waste any time. But that may come off as trying too hard from the other person's perspective.

Think of it this way, regardless of whether there will be a second date or not, try to have fun at this date. Make that the goal so when the date ends, you don't feel like you just lost 3 hours of your life you want back.