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  • impatient?

    I'm still talking to the guy I mentioned in the jaded post. My patience is wearing thin, and I'm not sure what I think about it all.

    I haven't seen him in, maybe 8 wks. For over a month of that he's not even been in town tho. Between the health evaluations and his travel/work schedule, it's just not worked for us to meet, tho there have been efforts. We usually text, but he called me to say hello one evening, and I missed the call. I felt maybe less effort on his part, so I just asked if he's still interested in seeing me. He said yes, he is. I told him I didn't mean to apply pressure, as I know he has a lot going on...but also that my alert button was sounding.

    I'm just ready to get on with it. I feel like so much of our basis is being laid in non personal communication that we aren't getting to know each other. I know his docs put him on more meds, so he still has ongoing health issues. I don't believe he's lying about it...his discussion with me on it has been too realistic, as far as his doc visits and the process, for me to believe he's making up excuses.

    He knows what is going on with me... even when I think he glazed over some info, often days later, he follows up about it...so I know he's paying attention. Or at least trying. When he's able, He messages often shortly after my shift ends to check in for the day. So, I think he thinks about me on the road...I've not had the impression he's just not putting in effort.

    I was comforted when I just asked and he said he is still interested in me. He doesn't seem to be one to waste time messaging me if he wasn't, but I don't know him that well. And, I've certainly been wrong before.

    I'm trying to be patient. I genuinely have come to like him, and wanna move this thing along. When I do see him I may squeeze him so hard I break a rib. I just want to get to know each other as we are, and I fear we aren't laying a solid foundation for friendship or romance either, if we don't have the personal contact. I told him I don't feel like I need constant contact, and I know he has a demanding schedule and life is happening.

    I realize if I were in a relationship with him, it wouldn't be much different...I guess I fear I'm being taken for a ride.
    My gut says no, but it's been wrong before.
    I've not been sitting around waiting for him...I've done what I'd normally do. So I don't think it's any big loss if it does fizzle.

    How unusual is this? Am I just being naive?

  • How would things change if you two decided to move things forward? Would you two have a chance to be together more? I'm not sure that they would change much at all except that you two would become more intimate. It sounds more like a a long distance relationship. LDRs are not for everyone.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


    • kitty, it does seem like you want to see him more but it's not possible at this time?

      you need some time to talk with him
      so you two can get to know each other, and if you both want to be in a relationship
      does he has any vacation that he could take a couple days off and spend some time together and figure things out?


      • I guess I just don't know what is happening..idk why we aren't making extra effort, as I'm ready to do. Maybe he is, and I don't know it??

        I told him I would make dinner one evening and ask him over, as he is sick of restaurants. He said he prefers to eat at home when he's home, so I offered to bring it over, or cook for him there. Then we never got back to the discussion.

        I guess I wonder why he's not invited me over for that, or...why there's not even an hour carved out for something... somewhere....sometime....ya know? Coffee...??? Did he even get the message?

        I feel like I'd be ok with this arrangement if we were already kinda comfortable with each other and knew each other better. But this texting is causing some misses...he's missed my messages due to poor service, and I've missed his. It makes for a poor foundation for any relationship.

        I guess I gave so much leeway for his job and his health, wanting not to put undue pressure, but idk where it gets to be a matter of him actually not making efforts, which was why I asked whether he's still interested. What he said in response to that was brief but to the point and not wishy washy, so I took it as he said.

        I thought, he's married...but I don't think that's the case. One of the invitations for me was to join him and a nephew so, I doubt he'd suggest I meet family if there's a wife at home.

        I just don't quite know if I should say, look dude, I need to see you soon, pls meet me for a slice of dessert or a walk, when you have 30 mins. Or I'll come help you get your work done at home...
        I don't wanna be pushy, but, I think I need to be a little more assertive or this will just go on forever...???

        Idk why he was available in the beginning, then suddenly can't even carve out a moment. I feel like there are legit reasons for all this, but I also wonder if I'm making excuses for my own needs to be unmet.

        My gut says let it roll, as I'm not so invested that I'd be hurt or tangled up with him if it ends. But I'm getting to really care about him, now nearly 3 months down the line.
        Am I crazy to just wait around? I'm still open to dating others, have one lined up for Saturday...so I'm not putting life on hold for him, but part of me is ready to put him first...
        Does that make sense?


        • kitty, you said he travels for work?

          travelling, living out of a suitcase is exhausting
          and then eating out all the time; it makes sense he'll want to just eat at home then
          and he probably feels the need to just chill after a trip

          there's often extra work after trips, too (paperwork to do, phone call follow ups, etc)

          why don't you ask if he can take a day or two off?
          asked husband couple wks ago but he said he couldn't because he had SO much work to do
          but then this wk, he surprised me and said he's taking Fri off

          so your guy might not be able to take a day off right away but maybe soon?


          • He does his ppwk and a lot of stuff from his hotels, and I don't even expect to have a meetup on the first couple days after he comes back. I can imagine his exhaustion. His job is tough enough, on top of the travel required. So, that leaves really only 4 or 5 days, so, 8 or 10 days/month because the last day is spent preparing to head back out.
            It's a lifestyle I really can't relate to.
            I thought my old schedule was nuts...

            He was recently gone for 2 wks, arrived home to the smell of mold and a flooded basement...so, I didn't ask to see him because I've been through that, and I knew he'd be busy for quite awhile.
            I did offer to help with the clean up.

            I don't really feel it's appropriate to ask someone I have only a friendship with, to take time off for me. I would never take time off for him at this point so I'd not ask that of him.

            I sort of think of it this way...if he was home, and I'd not seen him for a month, would I think it was a big deal? Probably not.
            In his time, in his world, it's a month or less. In mine, it's 2. He says every time he has to go, that it doesn't seem like he's even been home, and left work at home to do...plus he isn't feeling well on top of everything.

            He has done this job for many, many years, with similar schedule. He strikes me as exhausted, and disillusioned with his work and life. I think he's struggling to get balance and my thoughts are that he needs time. Whether he wants to date me long term or not, remains to be seen for us both, I think...and I want to be patient...but that part of me that's jaded wants to believe he's got sinister motives...that he's fooling me. There's really no reason to believe that, when I just look at things he's said and done.

            He told me he's had every kind of relationship with women...except a committed, loving long term and that's what he wants for himself now. I said is that smth you're actively looking for? He said "yes, but it's hard to build on anything when Im not around."
            He told me his goal is to get a job that won't cut his income in half and allow him to be home, at least more often. That's been the challenge. He said his dream is to get a home outside town and be able to enjoy a stable life taking care of his own space.

            I see a lot of myself a few yrs ago, in him now. The career disillusioned, lost, burned out and lonely person. He's worked so hard, studied and done a job he felt passionate about for so long, to find himself left with an emptiness.
            I asked him if he still loves it. He said it's just a job now. It made me so sad for him because I know he loved that when he started doing it at age 17. He told me what he did to learn the ropes and get the training to do his job. It's part of him, and he's buried himself in it, much like I did.

            So, we connect on a lot of levels...I get it I think.

            I just don't know if I'm being a fool, or if I am just being cool and patient.


            • To add, I often think he's as lost as I am in trying to even create a relationship. I am great at meeting ppl, and I'm great in a marriage, but getting from A to B has been the difficulty to me. The only serious relationship I ever really had was with the hubs...and we started seeing each other so young...

              So I struggle to find the steps between here and there. I almost get a sense that he doesn't know either. I don't think he's ever had a gf in his hometown, as an adult. Lol he's dated women from all over the world, and all over the country, mostly superficial relationships, as he's described.
              So, I think that's a factor here too. I don't think he knows what to do any better than I do.


              • I'm not sure. I sense that in ways you two are a lot alike, but I also sense that there is some incompatibility and that you need more out of this (rightfully so) than he wants to give.

                You mentioned that when he's gone for a while you don't even expect to see him for a couple days after he returns. This stood out to me because any man I have ever dated who was truly into me would have been bee-lining to see me as soon as he returned. Additionally, while I understand he has a busy life, it sounds like you've offered to accommodate it just to spend some time with him (offering to come help clean up flooding) and he has declined those offers. I know that you're not a "couple" but you're both adults and I think it's been made very clear through communication with each other that you're both interesed in more than friends. So why no effort? I'm guessing he likes you and in his mind wants a relationship, but just doesn't want to have to give the effort for one.

                I can't imagine that if he were home for a month and made no effort to see you that you'd not be concerned by that. I know I would be.

                I just see a lack of effort on his part to get to know you. I have "almost" dated guys before who acted really interested in me, wanted to text me, texted me quite frequently always very endearingly, but then just never acted on it. Never actually asked me to do anything. Never really made an effort. Texting, exclusively, is just not much of an effort.

                I'm glad that you're not putting your life on hold for him. He may be right for you down the road if his life changes, but I don't believe he is right now.
                "Be what you're looking for."


                • I agree with BD. Taking things slow is not an excuse for a lack of passion when you two could be together. Priorities. Sooner or later a person has to throw caution to the wind and move forward. It is not necessarily comfortable, but it has to be done.
                  I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                  Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                  From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


                  • That was my thought also BD, in the flurry of thoughts I've had over this time. In the other thread I mentioned how he'd been completely hands off, no kiss and no touch which had thrown me off also. When I asked, His answer to that made me believe that may be the same reason he is so slow about everything else.

                    I also have serious curiosity that part of his physical problems are concerning his sexual function, or other potentially embarrassing intimate issue. I know he's seeing a urologist and some other docs that suggest he may have some discreet issues.
                    Respecting his privacy, I've chosen not to say hey, can't you get it up, or do you have urine or anal leakage or...??? Lol

                    Trying to be sensitive, but I think...is that why he is delaying things?

                    Those things are the only reason I've paused in dropping the axe, otherwise what you said would have won out in my mind weeks ago. If there's really a legit reason he's waiting...I want to give this an opportunity.

                    Because I do need more passion. I need to know that a man is looking forward to see me, wants me, etc. I do need that.
                    We've not been to each other's home yet...so, I'm going to invite him over when he's home next. See what he says...

                    If he says no, or has a shabby excuse, I'm going to have to say smth more, and be explicit about this not being ok for me. I may even say, I promise to keep my hands to myself, just hang out with me.

                    I may ask him to come shooting with me...he's a licensed instructor so...maybe that's a neutral place we can spend time.


                    • To be blunt, I'd write this one off and move on. You're right to be impatient and fed up. You deserve respect and that means him making the effort. He obviously isn't reliable and never will be. I can't say why he's so unreliable, but you've got every right to be angry. You'll never change him: he will always let you down. I'd cut your losses and move on.


                      • Popcorn, I'm not going to write him off, and I'm not angry about anything. Just frustrated and disappointed.

                        I've decided to just let it ride...
                        I'm going to respond to messages, and be the same as always. But I've decided to stop initiating a conversation. Up to now, that's been pretty equal effort. I'm going to step back and just see if I stop making effort, if he makes any additional effort. I feel kinda like it's playing games, but I'm tired of a pen pal that I may never see again. It's getting silly.

                        If it fizzles, it fizzles. If he's not going to make the effort to keep this alive, I'm not going to cling to hope or make excuses for him, in the way of possible health difficulty. Seems to me, that a man who wants me would say look, I wanna be with you but right now, my body is not cooperating. He said that in some way early on, but that's no reason or excuse to not see me at all. We can do other things. I told him that.

                        So, my patience is strong, but my hope is fading. Lol

                        I think I have reached a reasonable decision on how to handle myself. Not cutting him out, but not making effort to continue either really...let him lead.


                        • Kitty, sorry for you feel frustrated and disappointed. On behalf of males everywhere, let me offer an apology!


                          • Thanks a-dub. It's ok really, tho.
                            I'm not even frustrated any more. It'll be what it's gonna be, and I'd be fine with either outcome at this point.

                            I've made myself available, he's not stepped up. I'm far beyond begging or chasing any man lol

                            If we come out just friends, I'd be happy with that. I have several male friends that began as dating, and this may be another.


                            • I think you've made the right decision, atskitty2. Just let it ride and don't take the initiative. If it fades, it fades. You're also right to not let your hopes get high. I don't really have any advice, but it is a shame.



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