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  • I think you're all right...and I think I just need to freakin relax.

    jns, he told me the time I asked why he hadn't even kissed me yet, on our 5th date or something, that he has a tendency to go too fast, and basically said what you said. That isn't how he wants future relationships to be. He wanted smth stable and genuine, not the superficial type of thing he's had.


    I don't know why I kinda went off the rails last night, and got impatient. This is what I was sort of talking about, getting at with my jaded post. I see it with me, here, and I see it with my friends too.
    This relationship doesn't fit into the box I sort of think it should, so I seem to over think, and believe it most likely isn't going ok. My gut feeling has been all along to just roll with it. There's been no red flags. I have my girl friends chirping one thing, and my guy friends cackling thoughts on the issue...lol

    But, I know how men can be, or expect that this isn't a healthy start with so much hesitation... when, in reality, there's nothing wrong with how this is progressing. I am ready to move along, but if he's not, that's ok too.
    I wanted a friend first. I'm getting one...so I have to stop thinking the life out of the situation and just take it easy.

    He's working, but he's reached out to me more today than usual. I think he's just different than other men. I think he just isn't going to show his hand until the time is right.
    He's a sweet man, he's not flighty, and I can tell that he doesn't really make uncalculated decisions, so...I'm going to just have to wait and see what happens.

    He has a 16 yr old car that he bought new. It's a gorgeous car that looks like new. I commented because I like cars, and like that model. He said he prefers to choose quality and hold onto it. I can see that in other areas...and maybe he's now trying to do the same with his romantic life.
    That again, is me reading into it, but I think it sort of shows his personality a bit

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    • I feel kinda like an idiot. Lol
      How pathetic am I? I'm a bit embarrassed, and that doesn't happen easily.
      I had a good laugh at myself today.

      Looking back, I think I had some sort of anxiety that I don't quite understand.
      He's sent messages more frequently since my little "moment". I think it's his way of offering reassurance, at this point. it's a marked increase, and I know he's busy, so I don't expect it to continue.

      Thanks all, for the perspectives and feedback. Pretty certain that I've regained control of myself and those emotions.

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      • That's the thing about texts: they only take a few seconds to compose and send, you don't have to wait until it's a good time for both of you - all good things - but then it's difficult to express emotional content or for that matter to adequately convey humor, or sarcasm, of any other feeling that would modify the words. Pluses and minuses.

        And don't be quick to condemn superficial physical relationships! :-) I started a purely physical relationship with a woman over 30 years ago, it quickly became much more than just that, and we're still together.

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        • I'm just not comfortable with a purely physical relationship. I've tried that, it's just not for me.

          That's not what he is interested in either, apparently, tho he may still have sex partner. Wouldn't be any of my business if he did.

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          • I understand; in fact, I don't think I can have a "purely physical" relationship. It always ends up being much more than that. Maybe I'm saying , I don't have relationships with women that I dont have feelings for.

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            • Then it's not a superficial physical relationship at all then, Right?

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              • That's wonderful, Texasred: to find a woman you're attracted to and to become emotionally close. A true love story.

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                • I think you're being too hard on yourself. You're not asking for a sprint to the finish line here, just a natural progression. There is no reason to feel badly for having standards, which in my eyes is all it is. If you're going to invest your time and emotion into someone (which would obviously distract your time and attention to other potential mates) then there should be some element of progression there. Otherwise, stagnant pond water. I get the feeling though, that as time moves on here, you're the one feeling abnormal when I don't believe that is the case at all. If he's so smart (and I believe that he is) then HE KNOWS that his lack of initiative, lack of effort, lack of progression is worrisome, abnormal and quite frankly, insulting.
                  "Be what you're looking for."

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                  • Well, BD, this was his week back, but he had an engagement out of town all weekend, so I didn't see him then. I asked him last Thursday when may work, and he said maybe Monday, tonight. So...he hinted at doing smth tonight but made no clear plan. I'm not going to beg. I feel like I have made my desire very well known.

                    I'm sort of running out of patience. I'm talking to another guy, but the connection and chemistry is just not the same.

                    I am not going to cut contact but I'm going to start putting my line back in the water. I just don't know what else to do. He told me what all he has to get done today and be at the airport at 4am tmrw, so I do understand his need to get things done.
                    What I can't accept is just never finding any time for me...not even just to have a drink for an hour or so...that'd be enough for me. I'm not asking for a night on the town, maybe a cup of coffee or just lunch.

                    I know he's a bit of a nerdy, socially awkward guy, I get that too... but have none of his previous girlfriend ever had any expectations? I just don't get it. I don't sense that he's stringing me along, but maybe he is, even maybe unintentionally.

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                    • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                      I asked him last Thursday when may work, and he said maybe Monday, tonight. So...he hinted at doing smth tonight but made no clear plan.
                      This is where I actually DO feel like he's stringing you along. I get the impression that he likes this every now and then kind of thing with you, he likes the lack of commitment, the lack of expectations, and I don't get the sense that he has any desire for that to be any different. Like in this case, "maybe Monday" yet you've heard nothing from him, no plan has been made, so what are you supposed to do just sit around and wait "just in case"?

                      I think it's a double edged sword. It is human nature to want what we can't have. So while part of you is getting fed up, the other part of you is getting even more drawn in to the little dabbles of attention he's giving you here and there.

                      Honestly, if I wasn't willing to just cut contact altogether, I'd certainly never initiate it. If he didn't initiate contact and seeing each other, I sure wouldn't. He's making excuses and that is absolutely ALL they are. The why isn't even really important because we will likely never know.

                      "Be what you're looking for."

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                      • I have initiated very little since that time a week or two ago. I feel like I'm invested more than he is, so I've at least emotionally distanced myself, and not reached out, tho I have asked that question, when we were already chatting.

                        Maybe he is playing games...I just can't see it as clearly since I'm the one being jerked around.

                        Definitely at a point that I'm ready to draw a line.

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                        • It's like he reads my mind...or maybe this site....

                          He texted me after work and said he had little time, but asked if I wanted to meet.

                          I thought for a minute whether I should put him on ice...but I didn't. We spent an hour or less but, I appreciated the effort, more than anything. It was time well spent.

                          And he's off again for at least 8 days.

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                          • BD, I've been thinking about what you said, and I do wonder if that's what is happening. In the little time we had last night, I didn't bring anything up, but he did seem to make it a point to tell me what his home time schedule is like for the next month-6wks. He said his whole summer won't be spent this way, he does have some time coming up that isn't scheduled, tho he did have commitments scheduled here and there.

                            I kind of took that as a statement that he'd like me to have patience...it won't always be this way.
                            Part of me wonders tho, what he benefits if he's truly just stringing me along. I know it could be just the attention he gets at all...but it genuinely seems like he gives more than I do, when we are able to actually get together.

                            We went shooting last night, and so the time was totally spent focusing on me, helping me and guiding me. I suppose that feeds his ego, but it just doesn't seem a selfish thing from him. He's been telling me for weeks that he'd like to help me on the range.

                            Was he just throwing me a bone, keeping me hanging on, when he sensed I was reaching a limit?

                            I've chilled on it, I'm not over thinking any more, but I'm also being realistic, and open to the possibility that he's just like all the rest. Being around him, how we are together, it just doesn't seem that way. We had a good time together and that's enough.

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                            • I'm not sure anyone ever has anything to gain by stringing someone along. But it doesn't stop them from doing it. Maybe its an ego stroke. Maybe it's a "I don't really want a full on relationship, but I like the way she makes me feel about myself." kind of thing? Who really knows? All I know is as I've said before, a man who is truly interested WILL make quality time, he will make you a priority in his life because it's what HE wants. He will not only give you scraps of himself once he has done everything else on his agenda. I also think a man who was genuinely interested would sit you down and bypass the excuses, but explain exactly where he stands. "If I've got some extra time here and there I'd like to hang out with you, but I don't plan to date seriously or consistently, and I'm not interested in a physical pursuit." Even if that's what it was, he should SAY it. Otherwise, he strings you along making you wonder. Leaving you to decipher his every word to look for its real meaning. Lack of initiative cloaked as mystery.

                              You are right that time will tell. You seem to be in a good mindset about it (aka not wearing rose-colored glasses).
                              "Be what you're looking for."

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                              • BD I had some sort of anxiety or something about the whole thing, that erupted with my little "outburst" that one evening. I sort of gathered myself after that, got some perspective.

                                I am talking to someone else, and I'd date others too. I don't think my expectations are out of line with what's happening. I'm open to developing more if that happens, but I'm not expecting much anymore. For a couple months I was hopeful but now, I sort of feel like, whatever happens happens. I'm not putting anything on hold or waiting for a treasured stolen moment with him. Not chasing or making any special availability when he's home.

                                One thing I learned last night is that he is very "scheduled". I knew that, due to his work, but last night I got a real idea for how he lives that same schedule in his personal life. Very regimented.

                                Anyway, I appreciate the feedback. I have been strung along before, more than once and I usually had a sense of it...even if I didn't listen to my gut. I'm relaxed about this, if it evolves no further then ok. It's been fun regardless.

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