[CHANDLERS WISH]

He genuinely obviously is trying everything he can to keep you, and he probably realises all that he is losing but can't accept loss.

I am sorry that they can't confirm he has stated he will be at his parents but maybe you can ask them?

I think you got to quit locking yourself in your room... Tell him, look, it is what it is but this is my house and I am sick of acting like a prisoner... I will come and go as I please and when I go into my bedroom, it's my space, I'm not locking myself in like a prisoner anymore, but it doesn't give you entry, nothing has changed.

Ask him to start inviting his family, friends over to keep himself occupied. For you mainly so that you don't have to always be there with him and your son only.

You could say, "look, your moving to your Mother's soon for a while, if there is any re-born love, I will know after you have left and no longer here".. Let's leave it to that and see what happens later, right now this is my life....

I hope that he does move and you need to walk tall and stop feeling like your in jaol that is why you are feeling depressed.

Start yourself visiting your family and friends of an evening and explain that you need time out and their support and get out more.

It's not long..

And, you know where here.

CW

[Hope954]

Yes, it bothers me greatly that they can't confirm for me that the address change has been put in. I already spoke with his mom and she's saying as far as she knows its been put in. I asked her did anyone contact her to confirm that its okay for him to stay there while on Pre-Trial, she said no but she doesn't think they have to. She may be right because no one contacted me either to ask if it was okay. But, she keeps jumping off the subject, telling me how much she and their family cares for me and that her son is crazy for me and that her and her husband had tough times too but they worked through them and were better for it, and so on and so on. I don't want to be rude to her but I really don't want to hear that. His mother is a really sweet lady and cooks like nobodys business but his father supported her their whole marriage. Her responsibility was to cook, clean and care for their kids (she raised a total of 7 kids - 3 were her husband's kids from previous relationships) - sounds familiar huh? She was telling me how they had fights and almost called it quits a few times - but she is so glad she's stayed with her husband. They've been married for over 40 years - they are in their 70s. I told her that right now I've just run out of patience. I am the one doing the supporting and being that I am a woman I don't think its right. They consider themselves to be really deep routed family people and even she doesn't understand why I don't feel that I should have to raise his other 2 kids. They just feel like you should learn to love the one your with because that's the right thing to do.

I on the other hand feel like we only have one life. I've never had a man totally take care of me, I've always done that. Although, I've had men (like my ex) that has made life easier for me by being an additional means of financial support for me. I don't really want a man to totally support me while I stay at home, I am just not built like that. I was raised by a young single mother who worked hard and instilled hard work ethics in us from a very young age. Like I keep saying, I think the main thing is that we were raised very differently. He always makes me feel bad about this fact too, saying things like, well you were raised without your father so you don't know a woman's place, and stuff like that. I tell him that my mother was both mom and dad and she did an excellent job with my sis and I. My mother is very successful and has the means to travel and has 2 homes. She too, was raised without her father and turned out really well. I have no problem raising my son on my own. He keeps telling me that a woman can't teach a man how to be a man because they're not one. I told him that I am not a man, but Shaq's mother raised him by herself. There are plenty examples of successful men that were raised solely by their mothers.

So, to make a long story short I am trying not to call his mother anymore. Don't know how to tell her that I am not like her and that I am not raising anybody else's kids!! It may be the me being locked in my room that's causing the depression and it may just be the weight of everything. I think I am mad at myself for letting myself get in this situation in the first place. I am also feeling this great since of guilt - like maybe I am being selfish here and breaking up our family - I am not sure where that's coming from but that feeling is there also. IT just seems that we have our son together, so I am always going to have to deal with him at least on that level and it makes me just want to run somewhere and hide from it all. Makes me just want to get away, but I know that I can't drop everything right now. With the economy the way it is, no vacations are being granted at my work until April and I have a really demanding job - but the pay makes it worth it. Also, my home is you know, home. I hate to hate to go there. If I do not lock myself in the room when I am there - he will just come wherever I am in the house wanting to talk to me and plead his case. IT just ends up in another argument - another unhappy night at home.

One thing I can say is that this thing is teaching me a big lesson. I heard that the lessons alone sometimes makes these things worth it. I will never let myself get involved with someone before I know the whole story about them (job, # of kids, criminal history, jeolous tendencies) - I know this way isn't fool proof because with love you take your chances, but at least I can know who I am dealing with. Also, I will never be with a man my heart doesn't jump for. If it isn't all the way real... it just isn't worth it...With him - the person I met was not the person I ended up with...15 days and counting...

[Hope954]

I'm leaving!!

I really consider myself to be a strong person and thought I could handle the living arrangement for only 30 days - but last night was my breaking point. It's become too much - I feel like I'm at the end of my rope - like I have tons of bricks piled up on my back and the weight of it all is making me very stressed and depressed.

Last night he woke me up about 2:30 am again. This time he was talking to his nephew and his nephew told him that I ain't nothing. He says he defended me but asked his nephew why he said that. He said his nephew said nothing he is getting his feelings all involved and he's going to sleep. So, he wakes me up because he now feels that I am sleeping or somehow doing something or have done something with his nephew while he was away. This, of course, is all crazy. I would never mess with a man's family and I as much as I no longer want him I didn't even sleep with the one I love. So, the accusations now are just driving me crazy.

So, I decided today that I am leaving. I contacted my mother and she's going to help me get my things and let me stay at her home until he gets out and things calm down. He has no idea and woke up this morning like nothing happened last night. I am so over him - I am so done - I am so out of love for him. I am not sure if I will be able to leave tonight or tomorrow because I need to get me and my son some clothes to last us awhile and our personal hygeine stuff. I want to give my mom everything - leave for work - pick up my kids after and just don't come back until he's gone. Everyone is telling me that 'whenever' I go back there he is still going to come back, but I guess I have to deal with that when time comes. Any advice in this would be helpful?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well I for one are suprised that you lasted this long, I remember the weight on your shoulders, the stress of counting days...

I am glad that you have made this move and that your family are there for you, as they should be.

Now you at least will get to see if he really did sign those papers to move in 30 days.

Your property is leased isn't it?

Break you lease, find another home start a new, you don't want memories anyway....

Have your parents and friends and family go with you on day 31 and get all of your belongings (AND CAR) sell the car if need be to help pay excess rent whilst a new tenant is replaced and bond for the next home.

CW

[Hope954]

I am doing the leave this weekend - week has been too busy to get it done and I am really trying to do it quickly when he is not there because I am afraid of how he may react in front of our son if he sees me taking our clothes out.

I did speak with the owners of the property I lease, and they really don't want to let me out of the lease. They told me that its tough right now and they were expected to have it occupied until the end of my lease, and them letting me out means they have to find another tenant quickly or they will have to pay the mortgage themselves on the house which they cannot easily afford with other homes that they own that are currently vacant. They told me that if I break my lease, they will have to report it to the credit bureaus, which will negatively effect my score. They said that the lease is a contract that I agree to stay there until it ends. That was a shock as I've always had a great repoire with the owners. But, I think they are having a hard time financially right now and are just looking out for their own best interest - as I told you before they'd already asked if I wanted to buy it.

So, I am trying to figure out a way in my head to leave for few weeks, but still let him know that he has to leave when those 30 days are up. Then, maybe go back to my place once he's gone. But, my sis says that once I go back there he most likely is going to be driving by and coming by there with excuses to see our son and stuff. So, I am in a 'trying to figure it out' phase right now. I don't want my credit hurt by this, so I just need to do some more thinking. Any ideas or suggestions?

[vintage_butterfly]

Unfortunately they're right about not being able to break the lease and it hurting you if you do. If he's not out by the end of the 30 days, I strongly suggest you place him back into jail. If he can't respect you enough to be out after 30 days, jail is where he belongs.

Now I would go to family court and file for custody of your son. That's got to be number one on the list of things to do. It may or may not require you getting a decent lawyer, but often that sort of thing is decided on by who files first. This'll protect your son.

Right now, I am thrilled to hear you're going to go stay with someone else! You need to get out of what is obviously a very bad situation. Good luck.

[Hope954]

Well, I took my son and went to stay at my mom's this past weekend. I'd already packed our clothes and personal hygeine stuff into my truck while he was away and as soon as he left on Saturday - I left. I'd already prearranged this with my mom and she'd left me with a duplicate of her keys. She's been out of town on business since last Friday - she should be back tomorrow.

So, I've had her place totally to myself and its been very relaxing. Of course, he was calling me like crazy once he realized we were gone but I did not answer. I did send a text message to say that I am gone until he leaves because its just too much pressure right now. He came up to my job yesterday and was calling, but I would not go outside to talk to him. I told him if he came inside my coworkers would call the police on him. Today I have not heard from him.

So, I am feeling all right. But, not the instant relief that I expected, think its just that I still have a lot to figure out. I also really hate to impose on my mother, even though she tells me its no problem and that this is what family is for. So, now I am still juggling with the issue on what to do with the house. He should be out this Friday, the 13th - that's the 30th day. So, we'll see what happens - I'll keep you all updated. Thanks for the support!!

[Hope954]

Update!!

Its been a little over a months since I've posted and I am still living at my moms with my son - he has not yet left my house and I am still paying the bills there. I can't really say the situation is all good as I finally started talking to him again only because he wanted to see our son and I wanted to behave civil. Now, I know that was a big mistake. He started to offer me money and I told him no. He told me that in his eyes I am still his girl and that he hopes I have not been telling people that we've broken up because we are just seperated until we work things out. Can you believe him? After all that we went through living at the house waiting for him to leave and them me having to leave my home. He still believes in his twisted mind that we are somehow together.

He has never been violent but I find myself afraid of him. I stopped talking to him again once he started with the, 'we are still together' bs. He seems to be everywhere I am. I get a total of at least 20 missed calls from him per day (that's only about a third of what they were when he realized I really wasn't going back home and was done with him.) I can be at a gas station or coming out of the mall and he's like there acting like he bumped into me. I don't think there's that much coincidence, I think he's following me or something althouth I've never saw him trailing me.

For this reason, I have not contacted my ex that I would love to talk to and see so very much. I do not want to put him in any harm's way - just in case. Also, I am using this time to get my head and heart right, focus more on me and my son and on what I need to do to continue to be successful.

My mom thinks I should file for a restraining order. She also thinks that I need to have the cops have him removed. Stupid me, is still giving him a little more time.

Meanwhile, he is also due to start trial in May for the case that he is out on bond for. A whole mess. I am however, feeling more free just not to have him around me and in my ear. But, I really want him out of my life. I know we have a son together, but I sometimes want to move to a new city just so I wouldn't have to bump into him so regularly. My son is adjusting better than I anticipated and my mother has been the medium to take him between the two of us so that he can be in both of our lives!

Guys sorry its been so long since I posted - I just got issues going on and trying to be strong and hold it together. I would like any advice you all could offer on my situation!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

20 text messages a day, following you pretending he just happened to be there, saying your still his girl, is very scary love.

I agree with your Mother, ... and also, you need to tell your landlord that you want to break the lease and advertise for someone else to move in, as you no longer live there.

Your PAYING him to live there, that sends a mixed signal that you may want to go back, probably the thing that's saving you from him going over the top and losing it.

You can't do this.

I feel that you are waiting until his Court case. His parents, sister knows that he was meant to be out of that house and living with his Mother, that is what "he" promised that "he" had organised, and it was a lie... you knew that, we knew that, but I am so glad that you moved out with your Mother.

I think you need to breathe.. This is still walking on egg shells love. It's still worrying all the time, and unfortunately, he will follow you.

Perhaps talk to his parents and tell them you can't pay for his rent anymore, that he texts 20 times a day and follows you around, that you are scared and that they need to speak with him and get him to move to their home and help him heal..

I wish you could get on a plane and go somewhere, and start again, but this is going to take some time unfortuantely.

Watch your back... as hard as this is, you have to ...

CW

[Hope954]

Thank you - CW. Yes - I thought that once I got away from him things would be a lot better, but its still a lot of stress with him - he is acting like his whole world has crashed and he doesn't know how to pick himself up. I have been heartbroken before and it does hurt like , but he's a big man he should be able to make it through this.

As far as his parents go, everytime I talk to him they just try to talk me back into being with him. Telling me how much he loves me and misses me and how he's going to get his act together. They make me think they knew what he was doing the whole time. He says his sis told him that she told him so. The same sister I got into it with over his kids when he was gone - I told him (edited) your sister!! I have cut off all emotions to him and all he says is how can I be so cold - its because I am just dead inside for him. There are no feeling left and I am fighting to get my life back.

Monday night, I visited my sis and when I left her house he was sitting across the street. He called out to me and I jumped in my car and pulled off. He came racing behind me. I went faster and caught the light and he was stuck at the light. I went all the way to I-95 and headed South (I live North) to the next major exit and took back roads back to my moms house. I lost him. Meanwhile he's sending me texts asking why I am acting that way he just feels better knowing where I am - he will never hurt me just wanna see his family. He says I am letting the devil break us up (now he's all religious). So, after that I am going to go ahead and file the restraining order and while I am there do the eviction order. I will have to wait another 30 days - but after that I can have the police to have him removed from my home.

My landlord does not want to let me out of the lease. He told me its too hard for him to find a new tenant right now and he needs for me to fulfull my end of the lease contract. He says if not he will report it to my credit and not return my security deposit. So, my plan is to get him out of my house, hold tight and move when my lease ends in October.

I'm really not paying HIM to live there - I am just paying the bills because its in my name and I do not want to fall behind. But, I do understand what you're saying. He's just living in the house rent free hoping he can wear me down and bring me back. He's worn me down alright, but there is nothing he can do to make me wanna be back with him - its done.