[Guest]

and that you are done with all of the drama!

CW is right leave the coming with time thing out. he'd use it as a toe hold.

[Hope954]

Yes, that is the truth CW. I was infactuated with him at first and then when I found out about all of his kids and start going through all the drama the feelings just never returned. I have been a good woman to him - and I was hoping just maybe I'd fall in love with him all this time, but it just hasn't happened. Maybe we both have deceived each other, but that definetly was not my intent. This is the first time I've ever been in this situation, being in a serious relationship with someone that I don't love. I guess I thought it would just come - you know. I guess I'm still a little naive in love and thought that eventually I would have the feelings for him again that I had when I was infactuated with him. He was a real charmer in the beginning. I really wanted to for our son. I wanted a real family like everyone else wants and wanted my son to grow up with his father. But, now I realize that if I just stay for the sake of my son, I still won't cheat as long as I am with him, but I am going to be really unhappy and this is MY LIFE.

But, yes - I will keep out that part. I guess I'll just stick to that he deceived me, but the only thing about that is that he will surely then think that I am just leaving him because of him being in jail - which where I am from is like the worst thing a girl can do to her man. I found out about his kids/ex-wife December 2005 - this is 2009 - don't you think he'll wonder why NOW I am just feeling deceived and wanting to leave. I think when I initially found out I was mad at myself more than anything for letting things move so quickly and not getting to know him better. Then my feelings turned to okay I'm engaged to him and pregnant let me do the right thing. Then we went through a whole little period where his ex-wife burst out my car windows and was acting real crazy - this is when I started to say this is not for me. I have restraining orders on this ex-wife. Then, my son came and it was like okay my life is now with him, we will get past all of this. But, its like I'm constantly talking myself into staying and not being honest with myself. But when I am totally honest with myself - this relationship just has taken up way more energy than its worth to me. I did not realize how much pressure I was under until he and his kids were gone and now that I have a taste of what it would be like with just me and my son - I am enjoying it and just do not want to go back. But, this is not going to be easy AT ALL.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Yes, that is the truth CW. I was infactuated with him at first and then when I found out about all of his kids and start going through all the drama the feelings just never returned. I have been a good woman to him - and I was hoping just maybe I'd fall in love with him all this time, but it just hasn't happened. Maybe we both have deceived each other, but that definetly was not my intent. This is the first time I've ever been in this situation, being in a serious relationship with someone that I don't love. I guess I thought it would just come - you know. I guess I'm still a little naive in love and thought that eventually I would have the feelings for him again that I had when I was infactuated with him. He was a real charmer in the beginning. I really wanted to for our son. I wanted a real family like everyone else wants and wanted my son to grow up with his father. But, now I realize that if I just stay for the sake of my son, I still won't cheat as long as I am with him, but I am going to be really unhappy and this is MY LIFE.

You did what most women do... You settled... First comes infactuation ( LUST), he was a smooth talker, then familiarity, and then the jealous wife, which in one way, knowledge that she can't have him, you have him, is sort of a good feeling, all be it that she was a nutter and that triggered a few things for you as well, such as why am I here?

And, so you got engaged, the picket fence, a baby... Give it a go, all for the wrong reasons, "settle".....

Now, as you have had time on your own, you see that you love who you are and you want so much more out of life, and one of the biggest things of all that you can't "settle for".. LOVE...You desperately want to love, be in love and be loved.

And, so this other guy bought back memories to strengthen that thought ( fate is weird, things happen for a reason, life has lessons to be taught)...

Now, you are right, 2005 / 2009, he won't buy it.

I never loved you.. well I am protecting "heart"...his and also anger so "you" ...

Then all you can say is this...

I don't know what I want anymore.. I am not happy... I need to find me, who I am, in "our world" I don't know who she is and I want to find her, so I need time out, a break. I'm moving out... (or, I'd like you to), but probably the first one.

I don't know if I love you anymore.

Maybe if you make it to be "me", you know like the old line, "it's not you it's me". Then that may make it easier for you.. He may think that it still is the jaol thing and that you will get over it "hope", but at least you can start to live your life and over time he will realise your not coming back, it's not for you.

I don't know what else to suggest, but alot of what I wrote there is the "truth", you want to be you and find love and happiness. You don't have that.

CW

[Hope954]

Wow CW, great advice. I think that may go over a little better even though knowing him and how insecure he is when it comes down to it he will swear that its because of some other guy. But, its me not you is half the truth. The whole time I've been so concerned with his feelings that I've just been taking it like I have to. Can you imagine what would happen if I actually married him. When I hear of things like this I always say to myself, "Well didn't he/she know that before they got married." A whole lot easier when your on the outside looking in. You just hate to be thought of as the one who did someone wrong when you know that that someone really loves you. But it really is him - its everything. It's emotional - me not loving him. It's physical - sex is alright but not mind blowing like I need, I can go weeks without it - in my past relationships I wanted it as much as possible, but at least 3-5 times per week. It's moral - his morals and his past is not in line with me and how I've been raised. It's intellectual - he doesn't have the intellect to keep me mentally stimulated. Yea, I know I guess I expect a lot from a guy but - shouldn't I?

I am 31 years old but everyone tells me I don't look it and I still feel like I'm about 25. Why should I have to settle? Because I have a kid from him? It just doesn't seem very fair. When I was with him, I kinda thought I was losing it because before I got with him every where I went guys would try to talk to me. But, when I was with him it seemed to slack up quite a bit. I stopped wearing my engagement ring the night I went to see my ex and does a ring really make that much difference? Because now again guys are at me like whoa and I must admit that the attention feels nice even though I am not presently taking any numbers or trying to meet anyone new. But, I guess like I said before, I am just feeling like me again and loving my new freedom.

Oh I forgot to mention in past post that I had a missed call from my ex Tuesday night when I came out from visiting my current BF. I have not called him back yet because I think I better slow down. We just have this great chemisty and I really want to do him and maybe even get involved if the opportunity presents itself. I think if we go out again we might. I don't know what happened to me - but since I went out with him my sex drive sky rocketed out of nowhere. I have a little pocket rocket that I use to pleasure myself and when I did last night - it was thoughts of him that helped me get off really good. I don't want to get him involved in any craziness and I definetly don't want to ruin my chances forever with him so I think I better just not talk to him for awhile. I never called him back and he hasn't called back yet either. But, I do want to see him again REALLY BAD, but this time I better let the logical me, instead of the horny and emotional me do the doing. So, I am not going to contact him until I break up with current and find out when exactly he is coming out of jail. This way I can try to not have this whole thing blow up in my face. Even if there is nothing left with the ex - I will be perfectly happy with just getting this all behind me.

[Hope954]

Ok Guys - I am really emotionally charged today with my ex. I told you guys yesterday that I was just not going to talk to him anymore. But, you guys know how I truly still love him. Well, today he had flowers delivered to my job - with a little note that says, "Thinking of you - call me." Ohhh, just turned me into butter. So, I know I said I wouldn't but I called him to Thank him and you could hear in his voice when he heard my voice - his happiness. I mean its almost like a dream come true in one way because this is the one that holds my heart and all of a sudden he seems so into me.

So, I called him to say "Thank You" and he asked me if the flowers got jealous because I was prettier than them. I know it sounds a little corny - but it had me all smiles. And again I had these crazy butterflies running all around inside. Whew - this guy just blows me away! But, to make a long story short - he asked me out again - this time he wants to go to South Beach to one of the nice restarants there because after we can have a bunch of choices on what to do. We can walk along the beach or have Call-A-Cab drinks at Wet Willies or go into one of the night clubs. So, I said yes and we are meeting tomorrow night at 8pm at his house and will take one car down to South Beach.

Please somebody - talk some sense into me quick. I can still cancel. The thing is I really don't want to cancel. It's like I enjoy him so much and he makes me so happy, but I know that South Beach, us and drinks are most likely going to end up in hot sex. That's me keeping it real with myself. We are taking one car so this time I can't just say, "Okay - nice seeing you" and jump in my car. Also, I remember so vividly how good he is in bed and kinda want to do it, you know.

But, won't I be further complicating the situation if I do this? It feels so right - but just because of my current BF it is wrong. I will have officially cheated then. But then, remember I am going to break it off with him on Tuesday when I go to see him. I don't know - I am really confused and all over the place now. The anticipation of seeing him is so strong that I cannot wipe this smile off of my face. I am happy - happier than I've been a very long time. I need input!

[Guest]

this is gonna sound crass, and I am sure a lot of people would disagree strongly with part of this, but I am less worried about you cheating on your baby father than I am about you misleading and lying to the ex.

unless you are going to confess to him that you are still in a relationship, or break up for real with the father of your child beforehand, you should not go.

Yes, I know you are excited and have feelings for him. But if I were in his shoes and found out that twice you went out with me while still involved with someone else, I'd not be able to trust you. Especially after you told me you weren't involved.

and given what you've said in earlier posts, he'll find out ...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Yep, I agree with No 1.

So you know who you are what you want, it's time, and you have to do it now.

As, for this guy? You don't have to "sleep with him" straight away but i was thinking, if you avoid him, don't answer, he is going anyway.

So, say goodbye, and tell this guy, how beautiful that was, but your breakup is young very young, you have no feelings for him anymore but still, you need to take things slowly...

If he is worth anything, he will understand.. The key that he needs to know is, you have no feelings and you have broken up.

It is time madam... No more procrastinating over what ever he is going to think.......

It's your life.

CW

[Hope954]

Thank you both for the great input! I am going to start the ball rolling with the current BF when I see him tomorrow night at the jail.

I did go with the ex this past Saturday to South Beach, but I handled myself like a lady and did not have sex with him. We got there about 9pm and the few restaurants we tried all had 1 hour wait or more. There was alot of people on the Beach. We went to Wet Willies - waited in line about 30 minutes and had some hot wings there. Then we ordered some Call-A-Cabs and sat there and talked for awhile. This time we actually talked about us. He told me that he didn't understand how I could move on so fast after we broke up. He said that he was under the impression that we were just taking a break and that the feelings we both shared was mutual. He said that when he found out that I had someone already, he wondered if I really loved him the way that I said I did. I told him that I did love him, but when he broke up with me it crushed me and I was vulnerable and I just did what felt right at the time and that I had no idea that he felt that way.

We walked along the beach for awhile and it was getting a little chilly. He told me that I did not have to be afraid of him, he was the same person, and that I could hold on to him to keep warm. We were standing there hugging and talking and somehow our lips touched, then he grabbed my chin and started kissing me and I started kissing him more and we just stood there kissing eachother - deeply and passionately for awhile. Then, we held hands and just walked around. We stayed on South Beach until about 3am, just walking up and down on Beach Ave., then Collins, then Washington, then back to Beach to get more drinks from Wet Willies. We laughed alot and reminised about great times we'd had in the past.

He did say to me that it was getting late and maybe we should get a little room or something on the Beach so we wouldn't have to drive all the way back because we were both tipsy. I knew that if I did that, the kissing was going to turn to much more so I told him no we better head back and that I was okay driving. I drank water until I felt alert enough and then we went back to his house where I'd left my car. Before I left him we hugged and stood there kissing again. He asked me if I was absolutely sure I didn't want to stay over. I told him yes I was sure. Again, he told me to call him to let him know I was home safe. I called him and we flirted on the phone for about 10 minutes. By this time it was about 4am. He told me that he will call me later in the week he has some thinking to do and then he needs to talk to me about something (I have no idea what he is talking about). But, I had a great time.

Now, for the current BF. Regardless of what happens with me and the ex, I know that I don't want him. NO1 and CW - you are both right its time to stop worrying about what he will do and what he will think and let him know what I want before its too late. As I told you before, there is a high probability that he may be out very soon. So, I've decided to just tell him that I've been unhappy for quite some time now, that I feel like he deceived me and put me in a situation that I don't want to be in and now that I've had some time by myself I realize that I lost me sacrificing and doing everything for him and his children and I need time to find me and be happy again. I will let you all know how it goes... I can tell you that its not going to be easy as I am making it sound here...

I was thinking that maybe I should tell the ex to hold off for awhile. When he calls later in the week, I first off want to hear what he has to tell me. Then, I will tell him that I still want to see him but I need some time just to get me together because my break up is new still. I am sure he will be fine with that - he's a very understanding guy. Honestly, I think I do need the time - like 6 months with no guys, no sex - just me, my children, my career and the self improvement stuff I've been doing. As much as I still love my ex - it really is complicating things in my head talking to him and seeing him - and I have to remember that this is ALL about ME - not him either, he did break up with ME, back then.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sounds soooooo romantic, but also would send me bonkers into confusion lol...

I don't think you can put time limits on things... You are doing this for you, you do deserve to find you and you don't need complications but remember as understanding as this ex is, he doesn't know the picture, the full picture and so he may not understand if you start saying 6 months..

Just say, you don't want to get hurt again and you need "you time" for a bit, but you would like to see him and you "need" things to go very slow, re-aquaint, get to know each other again and see if if heads back that way, you don't want a commitment at this point.

I think you are more fearful of your finance and him seeing you with another guy, I think you feel he will spy and watch for a while, hense mentally, you putting a "time limit" on it and if that's your gut feeling then go with it... We Women, have intuition.

Real Love ? Fate works in mysterious ways, if it's real, time will not be of the essense, as it will fall into play when that time is right...

Feelings Old? Can be just that as well, old feelings rekindled but as was the past, should stay in the past.

So, you need "time" for yourself even there, to ascertain if you really was "in love with the other" or you remember "old feelings"....

Step forward 3 steps, before you take 1 step back so you can see clearly.

Good luck with the finance, I am sure it's not as easy as you write and I am sure there is fear there of how to do it, because he will make you feel horrible for doing so and you have a good heart.

But, you have a good mind as well, so remember that.

CW

[Hope954]

Thanks, CW. You are absolutely correct about the real love -vs- old feelings rekindled. I truly believe that I never got over him and still love him, it just never really went away. But on his end - it may just be old feelings rekindled. I don't know. I just know that every moment with him is a treat.

I am thinking its going to be about 6 months from the time my ex gets out before I can get any relief. I can imagine him sitting outside my house and even following me from work or from our son's daycare. He and his family have always told me that I am the best thing to ever happen to him, I know that he loves me and I know the type of person he is - he is going to try every thing in his power not to let me go. I don't want the ex to be caught up in any of this. I know that if he sees me and the ex together it is not going to be pretty and then he'll think I left him over another man and all will break lose. I can see him even trying to hurt me or my ex if he saw that. My ex is not that type and if he feels threatened he'd just rather not see me than be caught up in drama. He likes as little conflict as possible and is not violent at all. He is the shy/handsome type. But, yes my intuition tells me that even by me telling him while he's there when he gets home its going to be right in my face and I am going to have to be strong and stand my ground for my own happiness, even if it means getting the police involved and letting my neighbors know what's going on. My lease is up in October, I just renewed it this past October - so I won't feel all the way safe and comfortable until I can move somewhere that he doesn't know.

But, I think you make a good point in not putting a time frame on it. I know he's going to wonder what is going on - we've been getting along so good. But, in the event that it is real love, I want to be able to be all the way there, you know. And even in the event that its not, I want the current BF out of my life with his disturbing past, disrespectful kids, his baby-mommas drama and his crazy ex-wife. I am really enjoying just being me and doing me, I don't want to go back to how it was when he was home. I am very nervous about seeing and telling him tomorrow - I am dreading it. But, I just keep telling myself that this is MY LIFE and I have to live with my decisions. If I am not strong enough to break up with him, then I'll be back in the same situation just living with being unhappy and it will be nobody's fault but my own.