[vintage_butterfly]

I know the last post to this was done 12 days ago, but I was curious as to what happened. I meant to give my own reply, but circumstances prevented it. Did he get out of jail? He isn't living with you again is he? How are you and the child doing?

[Hope954]

Hello - things have been so crazy since my last post that I've barely had time to sit still to do anything - including posting to you guys - my apologies. Vintage, yes he got out - yes he is back living with me (temporarily) and me and my son are just fine.

He got out that next morning and I did go to Days Inn the night I last posted. About 5am that next morning my phone starting ringing and I knew he was out. Listened to message and it was him saying he's out and he needs for me to come pick him up from the jail. I ignored the calls and they finally stopped for about 2 hours. Then, at about 7:30 am his sister's phone number came through and she and him were on the voicemail asking me what I was doing and where I was and that I knew he was coming home and such and such. Again, I didn't answer. I got to work around 9am and the phone was already ringing and of course it was him. I told him that I no longer wanted to be with him and he needs to find a place for all of his things. He acted all shocked like he didn't see it coming and said that he had gotten in the house through one of the back doors and that he didn't know what I was talking about but he expects me home when I get off. I did not go home for 3 days, had plenty of arguments with him at work over the phone and the third day he showed up at my job to say that he can't believe I can just leave him so easily. My co-workers told him he needed to leave or they would have to call the police.

Then he, his mom, and his father were all at my son's daycare when I went to pick him up. They told me how the pre-trial that he is on is to my address and he really needs to stay there to avoid going back to jail before his trial. They said that they understood what I was saying but couldn't we all come to some type of compromise without having to risk him being back locked up. So, we called the Pre-trial and he has to give her 30 day notice and he cannot move until address is changed. So, I went back home that night after agreeing with he and his parents to let him stay there for 30 days. I have been sleeping in the bedroom, he's been sleeping on the couch. He is still in denial and is trying to be Mr. Super-Nice Guy, even cooking and having the house spotless by the time I get home in the evening. He's been looking for work. His children are still staying where they were when he was away. My son is ecstatic that he's back and they've been spending a lot of time together. This is the only part of it that will sting once he's finally out of there - my son's feelings. But like I told him - he can see our son whenever he wants too - I won't keep them from one another.

Me. I've been absolutely miserable. I hate to go home now just because I know that he's there. He always wants to talk to me all the time now trying to find out what he did that was so bad that now I don't want to be with him anymore. I've given him all the reasons, except for the big one which is I just don't love him. I still can't bring myself to tell him that. I have not spoken with the ex since the day he came home, definetly don't want to get him involved and I caught my current going through my cell phone the other night after I left it in the kitchen. I've been putting in extra time at work, seeing my mom and sis alot and just trying to stay away from the house as much as possible. I went from being so happy and free, right back to being miserable and confused... I knew this was going to be hard... but I had no idea it would be such a long, dragged out process. It's like I just want it to be over with, already...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You need to check and be sure that he has put in an application for a different address to reside at on day (30) or else you'll be hood winked, and stuck again sweet.

Well, guess, you didn't see this coming, nor us... bummer hey...

I also had to remain for 5 weeks in a house I didn't want to and stayed out late to avoid my ex-husband, anything I could think of, just not to have to face him, by that stage I had a bad taste in my mouth regarding him, but alas, we have to do what we have to do. I had finally purchased my home, so I had to wait for settlement, also really had no where else to go, due to pets...

You will get through it, but you need to check, and ensure he has actually done so, because if he is trying to win you back, he may therefore, not have filled in any application.

CW

[vintage_butterfly]

I am totally with CW on the fact you need to find out whether or not he has filed that application or not. You definitely deserve better than that jerk who is trying to put on a new front. I honestly want things to be better for you and glad you don't have any intentions of denying him contact with his son.

Unfortunately eventually you may have to tell him that you don't love him anymore to get him to stop putting on this act. I truly hope in 30 days he's out of your home and you're back to your life and becoming a happier person!

[Hope954]

He's trying to make me crazy!

Yes, I know - he claims he put it in with his parents address that next day. Yesterday, I stayed late at work on purpose and he called to ask if I'd like for him to pick up our son from daycare. I told him that was fine. By the time I got there - he had our son watching SpongeBob and had cooked and had the table set with candles, wine and wine glasses and told me he just want me to relax and enjoy. I was really hungry but told him that I'd rather just take my plate in the room to eat. I told him that there's no need for him to try so hard because its really over and there is nothing he can do to save it. He then tells me how he is not letting me go that easy and that whatever is the problem he is willing to change. He says that he is older than me and that what goes around comes around. He says that I am being so wrong to him and he believes I want to leave him to pursue someone else. He says that if I leave him for someone else it will never turn out right because I did it the wrong way. He says he's been doing a lot of praying lately and I am going to reap what I sow for doing this to him. So, he's laying the guilt on extra thick - that's why I've been trying to avoid him. After a long days work - that's the last thing I want to hear or talk about - I am just so done.

I do think that I may end up telling him that I don't love him. Because right now the reasons that I've given he feels can be fixed and he feels like I am just going to an extreme. I did tell him that I realized how unhappy I was before and how I felt about him deceiving me when I was pregnant and how I feel about having the responsibility of his kids and about him not paying more of the bills. Do you know what he said to me? This all just sounds like excuses, whatever that other man is telling me is just bull___ until he gets me away from him. He says that he loves me more than anything and will do whatever it takes to keep me. I told him that he can't keep something he no longer has and he can't force me to be with him. He says he is not going to force me and if I really want him out when the 30 days are over he will go. I told him that nothing's going to change.

So, last night I took the food he cooked and went into my bedroom. My son was still in the living room watching SpongeBob and he went into the Florida room and starting playing all these sad love songs really loud on the stereo. So loud that I could barely hear the bedroom TV. So, I went back out there to wash my dish and check on our son and he's like, "Oh, I got him - don't worry about him. He's good - and when I leave he's coming with me. I can't believe your breaking up our family - you gonna get what you deserve for this..." and on and on and on. I didn't even say anything back to him because all he wants to do is get me heated and make me feel like I am so terrible for leaving him. So, I just poured a glass of wine and took it back to the bedroom, locked my door, took a shower and watched American Idol. This new show called "Lie to Me" came on after that and I must have fallen asleep during that show. When I woke up this morning, my son was sleeping on his chest on the couch, which means I had to wake him to get my son up and ready for daycare. All the while I'm getting ready he's telling me that he's sorry if he said anything to hurt me last night but he's going crazy about losing me and that he is taking our son with him. I told him that he is not taking our son anywhere when he leaves - he is staying with me. He wanted to argue about that but I just let him go on without saying anything back and rushed off to work. He's called me twice today to talk and I told him I am busy with work and that there's nothing else to talk about.

If he thinks he's taking our son with him when he leaves he is crazy. He is going to end up making this alot worse than it has to be. Like I told him, if I was such a terrible person I would have said I don't care if you go back to jail and called the police to have him removed from my home. But, no even though I no longer want him - I do not wish bad for him, at all. He just seems to be unable to wrap his mind around the whole thing. This is crazy - 22 days and counting down...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

This must be extremely difficult for you, I so wish you had somewhere else to go for 3 weeks, even the last two weeks, but definately the last (2) days with your son.

And, on the 31st day, have people with you, change those locks and make sure he has left.

He keeps repeating taking his son, sub-consciously, he means it, and so he will do it.

You need to 1) assure him there is no other man and 2) that you will never deny him, being with his son, that this is not about him, it's about you, you do not want this relationship anymore, you are drained of the whole thing, it didn't happen over night, you have been feeling this way for some time, simple.

Think at least about not being there with your son for the last couple of days, but think also that he can pick him up from childcare at any time.

I don't think he will do anything radical whilst out on bail, but after the court case, anything can happen... Perhaps speak to the owners of the childcare pertaining to him collecting your son, is against your wishes, when you get closer to the end of that 30 day period.

And, still check that he has listed his parent's address......

Sorry sweet, this is tough hey..... And, your not even married, yet your feeling like your caged.....

CW

[vintage_butterfly]

He might be better off in jail instead of living with you. He's harming you a in sense by messing with your head and making you feel guilty. Would you loose any money if you put him back in jail? He's threatening to take away your son (personally, at that point I would definitely throw him out). I would also file for immediate custody of your son.

Some courts, in some states I know give custody to the parent who files first unfortunately. They don't always take enough time to determine who has the better home to offer. (Of course you do.) Yes, they'll set visitation limits, but that doesn't always have to be strictly followed. (Depending on how you feel about it.)

Did you say your parents travel often? Would they be willing to let you spend a couple weeks at their house while they're gone? Or while they're there if need be? You shouldn't have to be living from day to day miserable and wanting to be somewhere other than home. I know you don't want to separate your son from him, but right now there may not be another option. You need some space and time away from the guilt. He's attempting to pull at your heart strings and I am thrilled you're remaining so strong through this. You've definitely kept your cool in this situation.

I really hope things work out well, but in my opinion I would definitely say try and find a good course of action and take it. ) Keep your head up!

[Hope954]

Thank you both - Vintage and CW for your advice. It really means a lot to me to have an outlet for this because my family really doesn't understand why I let him continue to stay there and its hard to talk to them about this. See, the thing is I do not love this man, but I do not want to have him put back in jail - regardless of what we are going through - our son loves his father and our son's happiness means a lot to me.

Last night, I finally sat still long enough to talk to him. I told him that right now he is not in a financial state to care for our son and he still doesn't know what's going to happen once he goes back to trial. I told him that I am stable, have good finances and can give our son the home he deserves. I told him that if he has himself together by the summer, that he can keep him for the summer - I'll keep him during the other months and we'll work from there. He told me that he loves his kids and he made big mistake not being able to raise the children that he has that are now grown. He says he will not make the mistake of not raising our son and the other two from his ex-wife. He says that him going to jail was a wake up call and now he realizes what's important.

I told him that I understand that he wants to do better, but with us the damage is already done. (This is when again I should have said plus I no longer love you.) He told me that he just doesn't understand how we've been good for so long and then he's gone for 3 months and I just want out, it has to be some other guy. I told him there is no one else, its just me and I really need a break and time to figure out what I want for me. I told him that to him the relationship has been good because he had it all (someone to pay most the bills, someone to take care of his kids, someone that has good credit and good job, someone who allows for him to elevate his status by living in nice home and driving nice cars, someone who rolls with the punches, and someone who has always been loyal even when deceived, and live-in sex.) I told him that if I had someone who offered me all of that I would think the relationship was pretty good too.

Then, I asked him to look at it from my perspective - what if he was the one doing all the giving and I was the one doing all the taking - would he still think it was all good? He said that he may not have as much as I do but he has and would give his last to provide for anything we are lacking. I told him I understand, but I am not feeling it anymore and there is nothing he can do to make me feel it again. It's just gone. He says that I am just upset and need some time to think about what I am doing. He says I am making a rash decision that I will regret. He says my decision is going to affect a lot of people - not just me. He says that when the next guy hurts me don't come running back to him. I told him don't worry regardless of what happens - I definetly will not come running back to him. That made him really angry and he started to yell at me, "How can you do this to me?" - "Are you .............someone else?" I told him that the conversation was over at that point and went to my room and locked the door. My room has become my safe haven within the house.

He started to beat on the bedroom door and yell at me that he's not finished talking yet. Meanwhile, my son has left the living room and I can hear him at the door too sounding like he's crying saying, "Mommy - mommy!" So, I opened the door to pick up my son and he's like, "Leave him alone, didn't I tell you I got him." I told him that he needs to stop because right now our son is upset with hearing him yelling and he wants me. Once he calms down I'll bring him back out to him. He looked at me with this crazed look and said, "Whatever." and walked away.

My son was really upset - I picked him up and let him lay his head on my shoulder. He's only 2 but he knew something was wrong and everytime I tried to put him down he started crying again. So, I ended up holding him until he feel asleep. I didn't even go back out of the room after that even though I was really thirsty and wanted to go to the fridge. This morning - I got me and my son ready without leaving the room until it was time for us to leave. He told me we have to finish talking - I told him that if he ever yells at me in front of our son and make him upset again - he is getting out that day even if I have to call the police because I am not going to allow him to make him miserable too. He looked at me with this look that if looks could kill I would have been lying dead then, then he just turned and went back to the couch.

21 days and counting... sooner if he ever makes my son upset like that again...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I so can relate to that... I remember going into my room and shutting the door and hoping that I wouldn't hear the thump, thump, thump, up the corridor, then the door opening and wild look in his eye, (mine would say i moved something of his?), the next day, i would calmly walk into the kitchen and say " you left it at Elizabeth, on the counter, ring them"... That night he would come home and say, "you were right" , I did leave it there how did you know? But, no apology.. Just relating to that look in the eye and the approaching bedroom door screaming.

I can, therefore, imagine how you felt.

I think you should just keep to NOT talking about schedule times for your son, etc, at the moment, let him think there's a tad of hope (without telling him that), is own thoughts, until he leaves....

Your walking on egg shells, so keep the comments at the moment to avoid it...

And, absolutely, he should not scream and yell in-front of your son.

Did you check that he definately gave his address as his parents ?

CW

[Hope954]

Think I'm going into depression

Hi Guys! This is going to be the longest 30 days of my life - I have gotten to the point where he absolutely disgusts me! I never thought I could feel this way about someone who I once agreed to marry. I called his Pre-trial officer to check on the address thing and she basically told me that this is confidential info and that I have to get that info from him. He says he did it, but I am starting to doubt it. But, if he thinks he's going to at the end of the 30 days tell me he can't leave yet - he has another thing coming even if that means him going back to jail because I am really fed up with being deceived by him and with him being in my home.

He really acts as if his world is going to end when he leaves there. He has been cleaning and cooking every day. But, he is still trying to force me to talk to him. So last night after our son was sleep and I was locked in the room he woke me up knocking on the door. I looked over at the clock it was about 2am. I played sleep. He kept knocking louder and louder and then asked if I was going to open the door or if he'd have to pick the lock. I opened the door and he's all in tears telling me how sorry he is and how he doesn't want to lose me and how he'll do anything to make this work. He says he's never felt this way about anyone ever and cannot see his life without me. He says he feels like he's dying inside because I seem so cold to him and he doesn't understand why.

So, I finally said it - yes - I finally told him that I do not love him anymore. Do you know what he said to me? He said that that couldn't be true and that I was just telling him that so that he could leave. Can you believe this man? So, I told him that it's the truth - no feelings left for him. Then he started to say that how I once felt that way so he know I can feel that way again - just tell him what to do to make it right. I told him that there is nothing he can do but leave and that all the begging is really pushing me further away. I told him that I really needed to get back to sleep because I had to get up in the morning. He did leave me alone then.

I've been thinking alot about the ex - haven't spoken with him since this one came home not to get him involved. But, goodness knows just his voice would pick me right up. It just seems that I am going into a depression or something. My co-workers keep asking me what's wrong, they say I look stressed. Also, it seems like my smiles are all forced lately - its like my happiness is escaping me. Sorry, it took so long for me to write back. But, any suggestions as to what might get me out of this depression, besides the 16 days and counting...