[Hope954]

Hi Everybody - well today is the BIG DAY! I go to see him tonight to officially break it off with him. I have the most nervous stomach I think I have ever had. I just know that he's going to feel like I'm so wrong for leaving him and I'm sure I'll be made out to be the terrible person that broke it off. His family are already making me out to be the bad person since I gave his boys to their grandmother. I guess the reason what people think bothers me so much is because I know that I am truly a good person inside.

I know that I don't want to hurt him, but I am just unhappy. No one will understand why I did it now and will feel like I am one of those women that can't be without their man or they have to move on to the next one. IT's not that at all. Its just the time without him has made me realize just how miserable I've been with him. I do not want him and his kids back at my house. That's the other thing - we've been living together for the past few years and me breaking up with him is really like leaving him homeless. But, like I said before - he can have the Lexus and I'll give him $2000 - that should be enough for him to get started. Most women would not do that - it would be a lot worse if I just left, sold the Lexus and kept my $2000. That would be like $8k (selling the car) + my own $2k staying in my account. If I was really being nasty and selfish - I could do that and benefit greatly. But, its not about that to me, I am not trying to make his life miserable, I just can't allow myself to be miserable anymore.

Visiting starts at 8pm - so I will be there in just a few hours. Guys I am really afraid but I am going to be strong! I am going to just say it and deal with his reaction. Good thing is visiting is over at 10 - I may arrive around 9 so I don't have to sit there through 2 hours with him - or maybe we may need the 2 hours to talk it all the way through. Not sure what exactly his reaction will be - but it won't be good. I'll have updates tomorrow...

[Hope954]

Yesterday was quite a day. Today, I have a headache and feel emotionally drained. I went to see the current BF and did not all the way 'pull the trigger' but I did get the ball rolling. I told him that I wasn't happy and I feel that he deceived me in the past and I just never got over it. I told him that this time alone has made me realize that I may need some time for me. I also told him that his two boys were alot on me and I feel as if I have more on my plate than I can handle. He listened patiently until I mentioned his kids. Then, he said that since we are being honest he might as well be honest with me that he feels that I was wrong for how I handled the situation with his kids. He says that God has been showing him alot about me since he's been there and he feels all alone because I don't write or put money on the phone for him to call me.

He says he feels that I am slowly walking out of his life. He says it will hurt like , but he's been hurt before. He says when he gets out the first thing he is going to do is going to get his boys back and that if I really loved him I would understand how he must feel. He says he can't believe he is locked up worrying about how he's going to get out of there and I have the nerve to come in there telling him how unhappy I am. He says that I am very selfish for the way that I am handling the situation and the way that I did his kids was wrong. He says that we were a family and as soon as he got locked up its like I just didn't care anymore. He told me that he is locked up and cannot do anything - so whatever I feel that I want to do - go ahead.

Of course, that was my time to say - well, I don't want to be with you anymore. But, there's something about the way he was blaming me for everything that made me hold off and just let him get it out. I could plainly see that this is all really hurting him and wanted to give him the time to digest what I am saying before I deliver the final blow. I did put some money on the phone today so we can finish talking this through and I am going to write him a letter as well to tell him that I think we need in the least - a break until we can figure out what we want to do. I even told him that if we decided to try to work it out I will need more freedom. I told him I feel smothered and like a chain is around my leg because when he & kids are there its just work, home, cook, help kids with homework, talk about their day, baths, pick out and iron next days clothes, handle my own two year old and then exhausted and off to bed, just to have to wake up and do the whole thing over again. I told him that I am still young, I only have one child and I did not sign up for all of that - it is too much for me.

He says that he understands what I am saying - but doesn't agree - a lady should be at home with their family and if I want to run the streets then he's not going to be with me. That was music to my ears - so maybe this thing isn't going to be as hard as I've been making it (or) maybe that's the 'in jail - can't do anything anyway' part of him speaking. But, the ball toward the break-up is rolling, guys.

When I came out from visiting him, again there was a missed call from the ex. This time I called him back and we got into some deep conversation about our history and how we both still feel about one another. This was the deepest conversation yet - we both were talking from the heart like we use to when we were together and yes, he is definetly still feeling me. I told him that the break up with my current was very fresh and that he went to jail before it was fully taken care of. I told him that when he comes out I am not sure how he's going to act and I don't want to get him involved in anything. I told him that I need some time to concentrate on me, but I would still like to enjoy his company from time to time and if/when the time is right to take it further we both will know. He says that he understands and has waited this long so there is no rush - he asked that I just please not lose contact with him again and let him know if I need anything at all. We are still going to talk/date - but we are going to do it less frequently than we have the past couple weeks and just take it very, very slow.

So, yesterday was just full of a lot of emotional highs and lows with the both of them. I left the jail feeling like a terrible person for starting the breakup and hurting him - to calling the ex back and feeling like I must have hit gold because the man I am still crazy about - is crazy about me too. What do you guys make of all of this? Input and advice appreciated.

[vintage_butterfly]

You need to take control of your life again. Your current man is a serious problem for you and has been taking you for one heck of a roller coaster ride. The sooner you break it off (let him if need be make you to be the bad guy, because in you're heart you know you're not) the better you'll be able to move on with your son.

I understand the fear you also have of your son loosing his father, but that's not going to be the case either. (Though not mentioned in above postings, just throwing that in as well.) You need to care for yourself, your son and make the roller coaster ride let you off.

However I do not suggest breaking it off over the telephone, but doubt that's what you'll do. Maybe you need to role play a bit and even seeing a counselor who specializes in role playing would be a good idea. They exist to bounce ideas off of and can be in large measure a big help. (When I was having a difficult time with my parents divorce, my counselor became someone I could trust to bounce ideas off of as well as get my feelings out in a safe environment before putting them to use in the real world. ) That might sound a bit cliche, but they truly do help make you see both sides of the aisle. This won't be an easy journey, but you're a strong woman and asking for help isn't a sign of weakness. (Took me a long time to figure that out.)

I truly wish you the best of luck with the ex as he sounds wonderful and willing to be there when you'll need someone the most. )

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Emotional blackmail does not work for ever... Wearing someone down, making them feel bad, making them feel like it's there fault. It's a "game" of sorts, but also the other person strongly believes what they are saying... You are "wrong", THEY are "right", and they always will be (in their eyes)..

-

a lady should be at home with their family and if I want to run the streets then he's not going to be with me.

Yes, a lady should, when the lady has a "family", not engaged and not with 3 kids, she wasn't aware she would be having so quickly, and not with a guy that wrongs and goes to jaol, and not with a guy that's ex wife, goes balistic and not with manipulating family on his side wanting to win in ever situation... She would have to be "stupid", therefore I would say a lady would walk and define herself back to whom she was before all this mess was created by a mere male.. hehe sorry that last bit was naughty.

However, he is correct that " a family" should stick together, a "couple" should also, through thick and thin... But that is if two parties have worked their relationship, always been honest with each other and both parties in love..

You know what you get then.

In this relationship, you never really knew which chocolate, or chocolates out of the box you were going to eat...

I am soooo pleased that you have told the ex-boyfriend about your soon to be ex-fiance, jaol and difficulties and I am pleased of his reply.

He does need to know at some stage, how fresh this all is, ie) pretty much the moment he found you again, is the moment you started walking, consequently your fiance will always view him as having taken you away which is not the case and that, you can't jump until you find you, he will respect you for that in the long run, knowing you would never do that to him.

Letters? Over the phone?

What is your real plan.. Forget that you still have to make it binding, official but what is your plan? Are you going to wait for him to get out, hand him over a suitcase of clothes, change the lock on the door, give him the keys to the car and $2000k? That doesn't sound like a safe plan.

Anotherwords, you know your emotions where you want to be, but how are you going to get there?

CW

[Hope954]

Thank you both for your advice and input. I spoke with his attorney today and he may be getting out next week, Wednesday. Because of the new findings with the officer, his attorney set up a bond hearing and he may be granted bond - most likely he will be granted bond so he'll be out in less than a week. I am so not wanting that. Don't get me wrong - I don't wish jail on him, but I guess I was just hoping the Universe might help me with this one and keep him in there until I could move. But, seems this isn't going to be that easy - I am going to have to stand up to him and our situation. I do not plan to do it over the phone or by letter - I am going to do it in person whether at the jail or next week if he's home, but the phone and letters just help me explain. When I try to talk to him in person, he gets so defensive and starts blaming me for everything - in letters, I can get all of my feelings out there. But, yes he did make me feel pretty terrible Tuesday night. I am just praying that something holds him in there for a little longer. I know that sounds crazy, but him being out next week is really going to force me to address this.

To answer your question CW, I really don't know how I'm going to get there yet. I was thinking I would have more time and that I would just do it while he was in there, pack up all of his things and bring it storage and pay it up for the time he would have been away. I was going to give the $2k to his mom to keep for him and gift the Lexus over to him so that I could work on getting it out of my name - I was going to leave that at his mom's too. She will take care of everything and make sure he gets it and its still in good shape when he gets out. I am perfectly happy with the car I have. I did finally speak with my mother who basically told me to do what I feel is best and that if he tries anything she'll have all of my uncles and cousins over at my house to handle him - she says she thinks I should sell the car and put the money in my savings account. She says he doesn't deserve to have it and with the way the economy is right now, I may just need it. She makes a good point, but like I told her I would rather give it to him than that being another excuse for him to bother me. She says it doesn't matter what I give or don't give him - he will use our son and whatever else he can as an excuse. She says if I don't give him the car, then he won't be able to get around to come bother me as much until he can afford to get his own car. She says he'd have to catch rides to come and she thinks he'll be a little embarrassed to ask his friends to bring him to spy on me. But, I sure would have rather been thinking about that then thinking about him being in front of me in less than a week. It's driving me crazy. Spoke with him on the phone yesterday and it was the same just negative, negative, negative. I am so over this.

Vintage you do make a good point about seeing someone. I think of how much this site helps me, and I've never attended counseling but I do believe that having someone outside of a situation that can give their opinions and advice, really work - because they are on the outside looking in and can usually see better than you can.

Guys, right now I just need plenty of support to be strong because it looks like I am going to have to face this situation - in only 5 days!

[Hope954]

Hello Everybody! I went to the bond hearing yesterday - and the current BF was granted $25,000 bond. I was floored when I heard the amount and pretty much figured that he wouldn't be getting out.. But, his sis (the one I had big disagreement with about his kids) and his father were there, also. They were telling him that they are so happy that he's getting out - so I figured they were going to come up with the money. The Attorney called the Bondsman he personally uses for his clients and he came up to meet us in the courthouse. When the bondsman arrived, his father said to him that I want to talk to him about bonding out his son. (Can you believe this?) The bondsman said that he needs at least 10% of the bond which is $2500. I told them that I do not have the money. The sis looked at the father like they know I have it or something. I do have it, but I am not paying that kind of money to get him out of jail. Yes, I am willing to give him $2000 to be done with him, but I am not willing to pay $2500 for him and his kids to be right back at my house.

They were sitting there looking at me like I had two heads. So, I told them they need to help if they really want him out. They asked me how much do I have. I told them I don't know I have to check and asked them how much they had. The father says he hasn't been working and has been struggling just to pay bills and doesn't have any money and the sis says she may be able to come up with a couple hundred. The bondman said if anyone has any property he can do it with only a signature. His father said yes he has property but he is not signing it for bond as he has not been working lately and is getting too old for this. So, we all left and I came back to work.

About 2 hours later, the sister shows up at my job. She's like, "Can you give me your part of the money - we are going to come up with the rest." I told her that I would bring my part to the bondsman and sign my part and then they just have to bring their part and sign their part (2 signatures are required). So, I took $500 out of the bank and took it to the bondsman and signed my portion - which left his family to come up with $2000. Needless, to say he is still in there because they haven't come up with it, yet. His brother and nephew says they will be able to come up with it today.

So, it looks like he will be out very soon, I guess. But, all of this drama is somehow making me stronger and just ready to go ahead and deal with this. I knew that inside I would have felt terrible for leaving him while he was locked up. But, now I am forced to face this - he will be out and I can go ahead and break this thing off the right way. I will probably end up still being out of $2500 because I still plan to give him the car and $2000 so that he can find a place for him and his boys. Also, this way I can have him sign the papers to get the car out of my name. I feel kind of stupid for even doing the $500 - but I figured I would help as of now he is still my BF and father of my son. But this time the responsibility will fall where it is supposed to - on his family, not all on me. Do you guys think I did the right thing?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Nup.

See, in my "opinion" got to love that word, you are now in a sticky situation.

You can not give him that $2000.00.

Visualise this...

He gets out after another 24hrs, or so, because his Father, Brother, Sister, who ever finally find $2000.00. He is sitting there patiently and it happens. (Why only 10%) I would have thought that they needed $20,000.00 security as well?

Anyway, so he gets out, you tell him what it is you want to tell him, (hey buddy you have no home to come home to but hey here's a car, sign your name and here's $2000.00.

$2000.00? So you could have gotten me out in 10 minutes?

Anger, tantrum, whole family gets told etc, etc, etc, ...

See?

You have to say, "Listen, go to your Mum's I need some time at present, I've told you that, so I don't want you coming home for now"... right away until you can work out how you can make that permanant..

And, think carefully about now giving him the money.

I never liked that idea to start with.. to be honest... It is like, you need to feel good in yourself about the closure and so, you are giving him money and a car, you feel bad for leaving him with nothing..

Did he pay for things and you didn't? Did he pay 50/50 for the rent? And if so, so? It's 50/50, is he family? No... You don't have to "set" him up a bit to help him, you don't love him, you never loved him, you just chose the wrong relationship, that's all you did and you have a right to get out of it. Your not married..

CW

[Hope954]

Thank you CW so much for your input! Situation just got stickier because his sis just called to say that his bond was posted and he should be out tonight or early morning. I have not spoken to him so I have a feeling he will just show up at my house when he gets out. My parents are in Ocala, FL until tomorrow night - my mom does a lot of traveling for her job - so I cannot stay with her. I am trying to get in touch with my Lil Sis to see if I can stay with her for a week. She has her hubby and 2 kids and they live in a small, 2-bedroom, but I don't care me and the baby can couch it for a week to get away from him. But, I am kinda fighting with that because no matter how long I get away for I am still going to have to face this eventually. If I am not at home - I am sure he will come up to my job. Whenever he finds me, it is going to be very confrontational. So, maybe I should just meet this head on and handle it, you know - get it on over with. I don't know... I am so confused on how to handle this... so afraid.. so lost...

Yes, the Bondsman did 10% as a favor to his attorney friend (my BF's Attorney) who sends him tons of clients. The Bondsman will pay the entire $25k to the jail and if for any reason he does not appear in court, his sis and I are responsible for the rest of the $25k since we signed the documents, which scares me also. Another condition of his bond is that they put him on Pre-Trial Release, which means he has to find work and report to them weekly in order to remain free. His next courtdate is mid-March in which time his Attorney is telling him all of his charges will be dropped because of the recent findings. Attorney says if it does start to seem like he might get some time - he will file for continuences until he figures out a way to get him off.

Did he pay for things and you didn't? Did he pay 50/50 for the rent? And if so, so? It's 50/50, is he family? No... You don't have to "set" him up a bit to help him, you don't love him, you never loved him, you just chose the wrong relationship, that's all you did and you have a right to get out of it. Your not married..

I would say more like 80/20 - he helped some but I paid the majority of everything. The house bill was always paid by me - I cannot remember one month in which he helped with that. Even the car he drives I paid for it, all he did was put a DVD/TV in it once I gave it to him.

You are right - the reason I did want to give him the money/car - is because I guess I feel a little in the wrong here too for being with someone this long knowing that I don't love him. I know that me making him leave is taking everything from him but his clothes and I guess I just felt like it would make life a little easier for him if he had a car to get him and his boys around and if he had money to get a place for them to stay. I can see this being the source of him trying to stay there. I can hear him now, "How could you do this to me? You know I just got out and have nothing. Where am i going to go with my kids? You are a terrible person!" I can just hear all of the accusations and guess I just want a clean break. But, I think you may be right - in this case I don't know if there is going to be such a thing as a clean break. But, you are right - if I hand him over that $2k - that's exactly what he's going to say.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Ahhh...

So wish you didn't sign those papers, never mind, let's hope that he believes his Attorney will get him off, therefore, not skip.

Sweet.... if he paid 20% contribution towards "your lives", and you paid 80%, no wonder your the best thing that has ever happened to him.

His father said yes he has property but he is not signing it for bond as he has not been working lately and is getting too old for this.

His own Father, is too scared to post $25,000.00 against his name, for his own SON...

This is their problem not yours, stop putting this on your shoulders. You have a good heart but you know, even if you give the car, it means nothing, later you will wish that you didn't... You think it will help him but he never helped you, you paid the majority of everything, put the house under your name because he couldn't, he is not a child, yet he has no responsibilities in life and I am so glad you are not marrying him or you would be working until you were in your grave, purely paying for him to live.

No matter what accusations he comes back with as to the "timing", there is never any good timing to break off with someone, it's when you don't have any feelings anymore and don't want that person in your life, simple... Tell him so.

No matter what you think you are capable of, you must recall your initial posts here, and DO NOT, confront him by yourself you are one person, don't be so brave...

You have $2000.00, go stay at a Motel, now... talk with him by phone.

Treat it as "time out for you and your child", and money well spent instead of giving it to him which he would blow it in a week anyway, think about it.

If you can also, change the locks on your doors now..

Don't gamble with life, you don't know what it is going to throw at you and I am not trying to make you scared, just trying to make you safe.

Speak to your Mother tomorrow and tell her that you want family with you in seeing him face to face, and ask your sister to look after your Son and then go and find him tomorrow and tell him, then go back to your Motel. Keep the car..

At least at work, there are people around hey...

Sound like a plan?

CW

[Hope954]

CW - yes that sounds like a great plan! Why didn't I think of a motel??? I think my mind is just turning in a thousand directions and I am not thinking clearly. But, i am leaving work early today - leaving in a few minutes to go pickup my son from daycare, change the locks at the house (don't think he still has the key but just in case), get us some things together and go to a motel. This way I won't have to inconvenience my sis and if he does come there he won't be able to get in and we won't be there.

Don't gamble with life, you don't know what it is going to throw at you and I am not trying to make you scared, just trying to make you safe.

You are right about not facing him alone. I really don't know what he might do or how he might act. He has never been violent toward me, at all. But, he has toward other guys and I know that he has it in him and who knows? Emotions have a way of making people do things you could never expect.

I never looked at it that way about the 20% - maybe that's another reason I felt so drained when he and his kids were there. I was just being drained in every direction - mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. I don't deserve this!

Well, I am leaving work right now - I will post again tomorrow...