[Hope954]

Three years ago my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years broke it off with me out of the blue. I still don't know the exact reason why. He was a positive motivating force in my life and made me always want to do better and be better. He made me feel as if nothing was out of my grasp. We had a great relationship until other people started getting involved and rumors started to fly, which put a strain on our relationship. I think we both were overwhelmed at the time and needed a break. I was passionately in love with him, the type of love you see in movies. Just the thought of him put a smile on my face. After the breakup, he would call periodically to ask how I was, but we never saw one another again. Four months after we broke up, I met my current fiance. I really had no initial attraction to him, I was still in the healing phase - it was more of someone to talk to about my hurt. But, he ended up being a nice family-oriented guy and we started a relationship. 4 months into the relationship, he asked me to marry him and I said yes (that was December 2005 - I keep making excuses to put the date back). During this time I also found out I was pregnant with his son (now 2 years old). I care deeply for my fiance but know that I am not IN LOVE with him. Also, he has deceived me - I found out when I was pregnant with his child that he has 7 other children with 4 other women and 2 of those other children I have been forced to care for in my home for the past year. His ex-wife is a drug addict and has busted out my car windows and I had to get a restraining order on her. Way to much drama and baggage with him and I haven't even married him yet. Just seems that his past is always biting me in the *ss. Anyway, I've been going through the motions being a good woman, but I just feel blah... like there's nothing to this... no excitement. He's very insecure and tells me that he feels as if I don't love him although I have never cheated on him once... But, about 2 months ago he went to jail for Child Support and cannot get out until he pays up. I all along have always had my ex in the back of my mind. I sent a Christmas card to his last known address with a little note saying that I would like to meet for lunch. He called me yesterday and we've agreed to meet for lunch. But, now that we are going - I have absolutely no idea what to say to him. I kinda want to know if the man I still love has still been thinking about me all these years too or if I am just a nut case. But, I don't want to come on too strong either. But, I believe that before I can have any happiness with my fiance or anyone else - I really need closure with my ex who I truly love from the depts of my soul. I care for my fiance, but its just not that blood-pumping, butterfly stomach, chills on my skin feeling like I get for my ex. Also, the sex doesn't come close. Maybe I compare them too much - I don't know. I need advice badly - we are meeting this Sat at Applebees for lunch. HELP!

[Guest]

Go to lunch and just have some general light conversation. ask him how he's doing, what he's doing for work, how other members of his family are, what movies he's seen lately, etc.

"Closure" with your ex isn't gonna make you happier with your fiance. you are either happy with your fiance and your relationship with him, or you are not.

It sounds like you are not happy with your current relationship and looking for something to be able to go to, before dumping your current BF. Nothing wrong with wanting that. But if you really aren't happy, why wait for it to get harder to do?

[Hope954]

Thank you for your advice N01 - I will meet him and have light conversation. I just have this wierd nervousness that I need to get over b4 Sat. I'm a little confused in my current relationship - I think I feel safe with my fiance, I know how much he loves me, how much he changed his life for me and I know that it would crush him if I left him. I do care for him and hate the thought of breaking his heart. But, I think that's the problem with me - I am always putting other peoples happiness above my own. Also, when my ex and I broke up - I had just finished getting my Degree and got a great high-paying career. My plans were to get my Bachelor's degree next and keep reaching for the sky. But, since I've been with my fiance it seems I haven't been able to do anything to better me. My son came and then his two sons to live with us and its just no time for what I need. I think maybe I resent him a little because I've had to put my dreams on hold and he seems not to be interested in really doing any better than he's doing. I have also carried this relationship financially - he helps, but not like I think a man of the house should. So, maybe I need to look in the mirror - I can't remember the last time I've been truly happy or had the feeling I got just from hearing my ex's voice. I still have this BIG smile sense I spoke to him yesterday. Don't I deserve to be happy although others may get hurt? or Am I being selfish?

[Guest]

1. My plans were to get my Bachelor's degree next and keep reaching for the sky. But, since I've been with my fiance it seems I haven't been able to do anything to better me.

2. I think maybe I resent him a little because I've had to put my dreams on hold and he seems not to be interested in really doing any better than he's doing.

3. I have also carried this relationship financially - he helps, but not like I think a man of the house should.

4. I can't remember the last time I've been truly happy or had the feeling I got just from hearing my ex's voice.

5. Don't I deserve to be happy although others may get hurt?

6. Am I being selfish?

Hi there,

just some responses/questions to what's quoted above:

1. Doesn't sound very fair, does it? Why are you allowing it to happen?

2. And you will only resent him more if you let things fester instead of addressing them.

3. Sounds like you are being "used" if you are carrying the finances and he's sitting in jail for non-payment of child support. Also sounds like taking care of business isn't really high on his list of priorities.

4. Doesn't that tell you something about your current relationship?

5. Yes, you deserve to be happy.

6. No, you are not being selfish.


so, what ya think you need to do for yourself?

[Hope954]

N01 - You are the best! Seeing my own words quoted made me look at this differently. I don't think I even realized what has really been bothering me. I've been acting like this is something I have to just deal with - but I don't, I'm not married to him yet. If he isn't using me - I am sure cheating myself. I have so much potential. I started this job 4 years ago as an Internet Sales Associate. Just being driven, I was able to give advice to management about changes that would grow the Department that worked and after only one year was promoted to Internet Manager where I now run the entire Department and make very good money. We live in a great house with a pool and he drives a 2000 Lexus (I bought) and I drive a brand new 2008 Chrysler 300 (1st time in my life I've ever had a brand new car). My fiance seems to be uncomfortable that I work in a male dominated field and that I cannot always drop what I am doing to speak with him or meet him for lunch.

You asked: so, what ya think you need to do for yourself?

I guess I need to seriously consider a way to address this issue. I am going tonight to visit him in jail. I will feel really wrong for leaving him while he's in jail. Also, one of the things that really holds me from letting go is that he & my son have such a tight bond and he misses his daddy so much. The two sons that he left there have since gone to live with their mothers' relatives and I feel like a brick has been lifted off of me. I think I need to pursue my dreams and fulfill me instead of worrying so much about everyone else. I think maybe I might even need no guys in my life for awhile. Maybe, I need to feel free again and alive again...

This all just seems so complicated... Where do I start?

[Guest]

wow, you bought him a lexus? I can be had for much less

seriously though, where you start (in my opinion) is to be honest with yourself, which seems to be the hardest thing to do.

if you have to talk yourself into doing or not doing something, then it probably isn't what you really want to do.

gotta ask... have you two had a real conversation about this stuff, or have you danced around it like most of us do? having a real conversation, without pulling punches is probably a good second step.

as long as you've been honest with yourself first!

[Guest]

oh, and you dont need to rush, doesn't have to be tonight. or ever if it's not what you really want. maybe taking some alone time and thinking about it would be a good thing.

[Hope954]

Oh no, I wasn't going to do it tonight. I have a lot of thinking to do first. The Lexus was originally for me, but he was driving it too much and leaving me at home with no car, after the 1998 Dodge Stratus he had motor blew. So, I just let him have it and got me a new car. That's another thing, when I leave without him he calls so many times like he feels as if I am out and away from him for too long I will find someone else. The more I think about it the more I am starting to feel like this relationship isn't good for me. Remember that I am not madly in love with him - I do care for him deeply, but its not that deep connection. Aren't men supposed to make your life easier, not harder? I understand the thought of sticking by your man - but I may have done enough sticking.

It also may be the fact that when I met him I had just finished a relationship with a great guy who had his own career, own car, own house - was motivating, articulate, intellectual, extremely handsome with mind blowing sex and going somewhere in life just to get with a guy who pretended to be all of that until he got me pregnant and engaged to him. Whew! I got a lot of thinking to do. I'm heading out to see him now - will let you know how it went tomorrow! Thanks for all the great advice!

[Skybluupink]

Girl, I have seen this before....take care of yourself and your child. The fiance sounds like no good for either of you. Go meet with your ex, don't mention your child, don't talk about all the problems you've encountered - there won't be enough time for all of that and men don't want to hear it. Don't even mention that maybe you contacted him for closure. Just go out, enjoy yourself, enjoy the time with him and talk. See what he's been up to. You don't want to go jumping from relationship to relationship, so my advice would be leave the unhappy situation before you wind up finding yourself in a loveless marriage and end up in a divorce.

Get out on your own, take care of yourself and your child and start going to school as you so desire. There are programs for people who go to school full-time by providing child-care, so it's a win-win! Discover who you are and what you want, only when you are happy with yourself can you find happiness with a partner. I wish you the best!

[Guest]

ahem, men making life easier? I be one and even I know that aint true!

one more piece of advice, don't hide the child thing. the ex-bf will find out about it eventually, and no guy likes to feel like he's been tricked about things like that. if you're gonna start things up with him again, be totally honest about having a child.

after all, how did you feel finding out about the 7 other kids after you were already pregnant? wasn't a warm and fuzzy feeling, now was it...