[vintage_butterfly]

If his children are so important to her than she should go to court in an attempt to get custody of them. They're not your responsibility and you were gracious enough to have them living with you for that period of time. He lied to you from the start and you ended up in the pickle of having to care for 2 disrespectful children that you didn't even know about him having. You're perhaps a stronger woman than I because you were there for them. If he wants to fix the problem, than he needs to own up be a man and get his **** out of jail. He couldn't even thank you for what you'd done to care for them. (Most likely he never will because he sounds the type of person who believes he deserves it.)

You deserve to be happy and those kids were probably making the thought of coming home to your own home miserable! You also have to look out for your son and don't want the older children teaching your young son how to be just like them. Maybe I am wrong, but I feel the only responsibility you have is to yourself and your child.

Go back to school and continue to better yourself, but I truly believe you need to break things off with the current guy.

[Hope954]

I am feeling your reply and advice Vintage_B. I think I just needed to hear someone else say it. You got it right on - because it was beginnng to become very hard to look forward to going home in the evenings. It just seemed that all that was waiting was frustration. I mean think about it, a two-year old is quite enough.

Now - that he and his kids are gone - I actually feel a small sense of who I am and the life I had b4 I met him. It's like I went from a free-spirited person, to a stressed-out person trying to find her way. It makes all of the sense in the world to leave him, but its always easier said than done. He and my son adore one another. I am doing a lot of thinking on how to approach the situation. I have a visit with him tonight. Funny thing is I don't understand how I even got here with this man - I've never really passionately loved him for it to be worth all of this. It was more of me being infactuated with the way he treated me in the beginning and then after that just feeling a responsibility to him because of our son. He always tells me how people always let him down in the past and I feel that he loves me like I love my ex. I guess I just don't want to hurt him. But there I am again thinking about HIM. I need to get my stuff together - I am going to get my stuff together.

[Hope954]

NO1 Where you at? I can use a man's perspective on this!

[Guest]

Well, I guess I got all hyped up for nothing... So, we'll take it as it goes.

The take it as it goes is probably the best attitude to have anyway. You don't wanna work yourself into such a lather over this guy, at least not prematurely.


In the meanwhile, I've engrossed myself into finding out about going back to school and I started back writing this book that I've been working on. I also think I am going to join the gym. Its a new year - its time for me to get into some things that are good for me and will make me better. I need to get out of the habit of always trying to make everyone else happy.

Excellent! gotta love yourself first and those actions sound like your on track!


I got in an argument with my fiance's sister about the kids now being with their grandma. They are making a big deal out of it and making me feel guilty because I sent them there... Could you guys give me some advice on this.


well if their father and mother weren't in jail so often, the kids wouldn't have to be with their grandma. VB was right, if the sister is so upset - let her take care of them!


[I]... His sister told him that I just wanted to get rid of the kids so that I could get out and cheat on him. She may have a point - I am loving the freedom of them not being there, but that was wrong of her to say that to him. Also, I am having 2nd thoughts about him - he just isn't trying to go in the same direction I am. I just feel like those kids are not my responsiblity - am I wrong?

Who cares what she says? you shouldn't! If he doesn't care enough to take care of his parental responsibilities and keep current with child support, then whatever happens is his fault, not yours.

Besides, it's not cheating if you have already broken up with the other person!

IMHO, this is just too much drama. GET OUT!

[Skybluupink]

WOOO HOOOO!!!!! You GO N01 and VB - Hope954, they are both absolutely correct and sometimes it takes an outsider's view of things to help get some perspective on things. With that said, my advice echo's both N01 & VB. So keep us updated on you girl - you & your son have a bright future ahead of you, as long as you keep the focus on your son first and then yourself. Not some man or any man for that matter who takes advantage of others, thinking there will always be someone to bail him out of his wrong doings. He needs to grow up and become a man. A real man isn't in and out of jail, a real man works and provides for his kids, even if it takes two jobs to do it and doesn't put that burden on a woman, especially to expect it from a woman who isn't the mother to his 'other' children. I can see you taking some responsibility if you were married to this guy, but you are not - thank goodness.

I was in a similar situation as yours once upon a time, but I got out and looked forward and took care of myself first and it was the BEST thing I could have ever done - no regrets. Good luck and God Bless!

[Hope954]

Thanks you all for all of the support! Too much drama is right... well, here's more.

They are offering my fiance 3 years - seems he has some other charges that I was unaware of and a criminal history that's off the chain. He is not taking the 3 yrs - he is going to take the case to trial, he thinks he can beat the child support because he was taking care of the two that was living with us and has proof that he wasn't making enough to pay child support and care for the two kids. They have reduced the amount to $300 for him to get out which is payable. But, he's been held on felony fleeing and eluding - seems that the cop was stopping him for a routine stop and he fled because he knew he had the child support warrant and did not want to go to jail. So he created himself a felony. If he loses trial he can get 8 years.

Also, this is the breakdown on his kids. He has 8 including mine. He is 40 - I am 31. He has 3 girls, ages 22, 21 and 15. He has 5 boys ages 20, 18, 11, 9 & mine is 2. All of these kids are from 6 different women. Don't you guys think its a of a deception that I didn't know about these kids until I was pregnant. If I'd had this information up front, I am certain we wouldn't have gotten this far. That's just too many kids.

You would think I'd be all upset - but I am kinda feeling like the Universe may be handling this thing for me. Not that I would wish prison on anyone, but he made his bed - and now he has to lie in it.

I have been feeling like bricks have been taken off my back!

[vintage_butterfly]

I am in a sense glad to hear that he'll be spending some time in prison. I don't wish that upon anyone, but maybe he'll learn a lesson. That's definitely too many children with too many different women. Apparently he has some issue against bc and keeping it in his pants. That may sound cruel, but seems to be the truth.

I am really rooting for you because I want to see you have a happy ending. There are some good things in the sense you have a beautiful little boy to always love and cherish. It's good that he has a strong bond with his father, but that doesn't mean mommy has to remain with daddy.

You deserve to be happy too. You don't need the drama and have enough on your plate to deal with. I hope you can have a wonderful new year. (What better way to start it than with a new outlook on life and maybe something different?)

[Hope954]

Yes, I know right. Plus, its less guilt on me. Yes, even though the man deceived me and has a bunch of kids - I've still been with him for almost 4 years and I have close bonds with his family as he does mine. So, being in jail is like when your loved ones are supposed to be there for you and all of that. So, just leaving him right now would be terrible. But, I know that noone expects me to wait on a man that's going to be incarcerated for 3-8 years. I mean maybe I would really try if I was head over heels in love with him. But, I am not - I care for him but its not worth all that I've been through with him.

So, yes the Universe may be handling this one for me. He's already going to be away from our son for some time so that takes away the guilt of me being the one taking them out of living in the home together. It is still a little hard because my son is only two and still everyday says, "Da-Da". or he'll see his clothes or shoes in the closet or something that belongs to him and says, "That's Da-das."

My fiance is a real charmer in the beginning. I can definetly see why so many woman including myself got his sperm donated. In the beginning, I felt like I found the man that would do anything for me in good and bad times. He just put so much effort into making me happy. Then, everything just one day changed. He was still good to me in a lot of ways, but not like at first. When I saw him changing is when I myself changed - my infactuation went from that to blah. He has no idea that I am thinking of leaving him - I really don't know how to approach it with him.

Yes, everybody my ex called last night! Says he will be calling me back today to see if we can arrange something for this weekend. We had about 5 minute conversation - longest we've had since we broke up. We laughed alot and he said he is looking forward to seeing me in person. He asked if I still have my pretty smile. I told him he'll see. I kept calm but my heart was doing a pitter-patter thing. I am still not as hyped about it as I was last week. But, this man holds my heart - so as soon as we meet - I will let you all know how it goes.

[Guest]

so how'd it go?

[Hope954]

Actually, it didn't go. He called me Friday night as he promised and we talked. By the way the conversation went, I believe he is very much still into me as well. Although, he said to me that he can't believe I moved on so fast and have a baby from someone else. He said that after we broke up, he thought we were just having a break and was very surprised when he found out I was engaged and had a baby. He says he still doesn't know how he feels about that.

So, after talking to him I did alot of thinking. From our conversation, I know that if I see him in person, we are definetly likely to start something up again. So, I started to think about how I AM still in a relationship and how I now have my own little baggage that I am carrying around. I did not appreciate the way my fiance forced his baggage on me and I do not want to do that to the one I love.

So, I've decided to take care of me and my situation. When I go to him, I want to be completely free so I can be available and not still trying to figure things out with my fiance. So, Saturday morning I called him and told him that I was called into work. I told him that I will be working Sats for awhile and maybe we can hook up in a few weeks. He told me 'okay - just call him whenever I am ready'.

I hated to do that, but I gotta get my head on a little straighter before I can fully be emotionally healthy enough to deal with what my ex pulls out in me. I cannot be all in love and cozy inside when I have not taken care of my current situation. So, as much as I hated to do it - I am holding the ex off until I figure out what I am doing. The thought came to me that my fiance may somehow get out of this and come home sooner than I expect. Then, what would I do? I haven't broken up with him or told him that he cannot come back to my house. I do not want to hurt my ex - with all of the baggage I now have.

We will however be talking quite often over the phone. Do you all think I did the right thing?