[Guest]

you need to pull the trigger and dump the current guy. even if he gets out and all of his records are expunged, he's played you and you are less with him that you can be on your own or with someone who you deserve to be with.

the current BF dumped you when he acted so irresponsibly about his other kids.

what are you waiting for? he aint gonna change...

[massagegrl1]

My advice...don't marry either of them, and don't marry anyone else either. What is marriage anyway? A legally binding contract that makes it that much harder to split if things fall apart...AND you lose a lot. Yeah, I know it sounds really bad to say this, but I'm speaking from experience here. I'm on my third marriage and have finally come to the conclusion that if this doesn't work out, I'll never get married again.

Does that mean you can't be in a loving monogomous relationship with one person forever? No, of course not. I'm not encouraging promiscuity at all. I fully support monogomy, I just don't think marriage is smart. What is the point? Commitment? You can have that without a piece of paper. Is it going to keep you from cheating on him or visa versa? No. Married people cheat all the time. All marriage does is give you a 70% or better chance of being divorced one day and the potential of losing 50% of anything you own should that happen.

The only person who can make you happy is you. Go after your goals and dreams. Be a mother. Be a lover. Be a strong woman. Get a good education, if you don't already have one. Never depend on anyone other than yourself to take care of you. Most importantly, be YOU. Don't change for anyone else and don't let society make you think that you are a bad person for not wanting to conform to their idea of what a family is. Who are they to judge? Also, I've been a single mom before too, and it's really not that bad once you let go of the stigma attached.

But if you really feel that you MUST get married, don't marry someone you don't love...that only guarantees an eventual divorce. And do not...I repeat DO NOT marry a dead beat dad, which is what your fiance sounds like. If he did it to one, he will do it to you too. That, I can promise.

Just my two cents.

[Hope954]

Whew! Thank you both for the advice. I think I know that this guy is not good from me - but I am just having a hard time figuring out how to 'pull the trigger'. When I go and see him at the jail, his eyes look so sad and I just feel like it would crush him for me to leave at a time that he obviously needs someone. I do not love him, but I do care for him deeply and he does need someone right now. But N01, I am getting there, slowly but surely. I think I wanna see what's going to happen when he goes to trial - he starts his trial on the 20th.

I do not feel I must get married. I have been engaged since Dec 05 and have been telling him let's wait because of this & that. But, truthfully I've known in my heart for a long time that this may not be the person I want to marry. I think I just need to get a spine and stop being so concerned about other people's feelings. This is my big problem. I really should have never accepted the proposal - but I was already pregnant and felt like it was the right thing to do. I am in no way afraid of being single or of being a single mom. I am however worried about how my actions and decisions will affect my son. I just want to raise him to be a responsible citizen, have good values & good self-esteem & self-awareness. I believe I can give him all of that. I've heard people say, "It takes a man to raise a man." But, he does have positive role models in his life like my brother-in-law and my stepfather. So, guys I am getting there I just have to do it in my own time.

Since I've been without him and his kids its been great. People at work have been joking with me that I must be getting something good at night because I look relaxed and happy now. That took me by surprise - didn't realized I looked stressed before. But, I haven't been getting ANY at all since he left - but I sure feel great!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I've been reading your thread from the beginning.

What strikes me the most is that you are sensible, "find me again", is what you are experiencing and all that stress is falling to the way side..

I think that by not meeting up with the ex until you are free, and totally yourself is the smart thing to do and intelligent.

I do see problems though, like the fiance thinking later that you left him for another guy whoever is in your life when he gets out.

I therefore would be suggesting that when you let him know, that you make it very clear that your decision is based on you, what you want, and you did not want a horde of children to look after you are young... You did not know of this, it was kept from you and so, nor do you want a bunch of lies told to you by anyone, as there is no future in secrets.

Ensure his family, see you and see you alone with your child only for a period of time, as they will report back to him...

I only have a fear "as women do", that if he got out and you were with someone and he decided to think that this all occured "today", then he may start a fight or smash the house up, or anything really.

You say it's "your house", wondering if you can sell and move? That would be a good thing to do as well.

The boyfriend, well he has purely shown you that you don't want to be in "this" relationship anymore and has pushed you without knowing, for you to make this move.

It's the past of when you were happier, that is showing and so, you know in your heart it's time to go.

If you can't face him in jaol, then write it in a letter and post it...

But, I think you are doing the right thing.

Marriage? The other poster talking about 3 times and if this doesn't work not again.

Well, yeah... But, I know of alot of people that have been married once, or twice and are very happy.

It's all about "who" you decide to marry and that you make that choice because you feel you could not live with out them. Not, for companionship, or the like of the word "married", but because you love that person and WANT to be with them for always.

So, I don't agree that they don't work... It's that we settle for the wrong reasons into that life more often than not and work that out later...

Every mistake should be learn't and once learn't not done again.

CW

[Guest]

oh hope954....

but I am just having a hard time figuring out how to 'pull the trigger'. When I go and see him at the jail, his eyes look so sad and I just feel like it would crush him for me to leave at a time that he obviously needs someone.

you need to get that out of your mind as much as you can. You are a good person so I understand it'll be hard to do.

but look at it this way, where was he when his other children and SOs needed him? running to another, not paying child support, or in jail.

as for

I am however worried about how my actions and decisions will affect my son. I just want to raise him to be a responsible citizen, have good values & good self-esteem & self-awareness.

you will be doing him the right thing by showing him examples of responsible men, and not being influenced by a guy who doesnt take care of his children by not paying child support!

the longer you put this off, the harder it will be to do and the more painful it will be.

[Hope954]

Thanks for all of the great input! I went to see my fiance (let's stop calling him that) my baby's daddy (that's better) again last night and I did not pull the trigger. But something is changing in me. This time when I saw him I just couldn't wait for the visit to be over. I've been feeling so great and it was just like a depressive mood. I am trying to tell him about our son and my work and what's been going on and he is just like, "Oh, I am not holding up well and and I want to get out of here." Nothing positive or "I am going to change my ways." I don't know - I am just on positive street right now and I don't want to dwell on negative alley anymore.

CWish - you have a point. That same thought crossed my mind. If I left him, I may actually have to think about moving out of my house. He has never been violent toward me, but I think that when he gets out he may try to come there or stalk me or something.

I do have a smile stuck on my face today. I know I said I was going to stay away from the ex. But, he sent me a text message saying that he knows I can find time somewhere to see him sooner than I told him and that - his words - "I won't bite, okay maybe just a little. Smile." That comment started a stream of very flirtatious text messages today. My ex drives on positive street too and is very successful and is the single father of a 16 year old boy. I now am not so sure if I am going to stay away. Maybe, I need a little excitement in my life too. As you guys can see I am a little nutty sometimes and sometimes I tend to change like the wind. But, the one thing that has not changed is that I have loved this man since 2001 and have not been with him for over 3 years. Never felt like this about anyone - is it normal to still love someone after all of this time? He does not know that I still love him and I don't plan to tell him. But, from the way the texts are going - I am not sure if he is still attracted to me or just want some. He and I use to make the earth move when we made love. Never had a man before or after him that could match him. I told you he could just walk in the room and my panties would get wet. But, for now I am just enjoying the attention from him.

[JLockhart]

In general, I would not recommend leaving one person for another. But in this case, I absolutely do. Whatever will help motivate you to break it off with this loser (sorry to be blunt, but I don't know how else to put it) is a good thing.

You don't love him, and he is completely irresponsible. Those are the real issues here. Yes, he is the father of your child, but what's done is done. You know what you have to do. I'm sure he will try to use the puppy-dog eyes, and guilt etc. Don't be mean about it, but make it clear to him that it is over. Continue to picture your life without him in it, that will make you stronger when you pull the trigger. No matter what he says, you'll know it's over and you just can't settle for him anymore.

Even if things don't work out with the ex, you will be better off without your soon to be ex-fiance. You can take that to the bank. Literally.

I hope it does work out with the ex. Obviously this guy really does it for you. Glad to hear you are not letting him know how nuts you are about him just yet. Definitely keep the communication going whether it is texting or better yet chatting on the phone.

[Hope954]

Yes, I think I am getting there with breaking it off. Just still need a little more time. I know that I must seem really spineless - but its hard breaking it off with someone that I know considers me to be the center of his world. But, he is really pushing me there. I did not put any money on my phone for him to call collect after the last money ran out because it is getting too expensive. The calls are $2.35 each and I asked him to call like once or twice a day so the money will last. I put the money on and he's calling like 4-5 times a day and the money is running out way too fast. So, I just didn't put anymore on there. He called my job this morning collect. I did not accept it and hung it up but I cannot believe he would call my job collect and put me in jeopardy like that. Sometimes I wonder if he and I are from the same planet. If I were in his shoes - I would never call his job collect. I am a professional - I can't have jail collect calls showing up on my employer's phone bill. They don't even know he's in jail. They don't even really know him. They know I have someone but he never comes inside when he comes here like everyone else's special someone does. Almost like he feels uncomfortable or something.

I was at my sister's house last night talking to her and my bro-in-law. I told them that I was thinking of leaving him. I thought that they were going to tell me that I shouldn't. My sis said to be honest with me she never thought that he was on my level and my bro-in-law was like yea it wasn't really any of his business but I deserve much better. Those comments nearly knocked me over. I had no idea that they felt that way! They said that going from my ex to him was a step way down and that they thought that I was madly in love with him that's why they never said anything. They said that being that I do not love him - what am I waiting for? My sis said it can't be any easier time than to do it now while he's incarcerated. My sis said its not about him - its about me. I only have one life and I should worry about my happiness, not his. I don't know why I can't just do it. I want to, but I just don't know how.

On a better note, me and my ex nearly fell asleep together talking on the phone last night. We talked about a lot of our good memories together and how we felt about Obama being the first Black President (neither of us thought we'd see that in our lifetimes) and about the economy. WE actually didn't flirt as much as we did by text or talk about why we broke up, it was great. The conversation was natural and flowed and before I knew it - it was like almost 1am and I was telling him that we both have to get up in the morning and we better get off. Then we started talking again and then we were like okay lets hang up now. I said, okay you hang up - he's like no you hang up. So, we both decided to hang up at the same time and wow. I realized last night why I still love him and believe it or not it is not all about the great sex. I love his intellect. I can discuss things with him and he thinks on a deeper level. My baby daddy is kind of superficial and lacks depth. I use to try to talk to him about current events or just things I like to talk about and he would just say, "yea" or something he wouldn't like put in his own opinion about it or challenge me to think. I don't know but I am still going to wait at least 2 weeks to meet the ex in person. I just don't want to get wrapped up too fast. But, again I have this smile plastered on my face and cannot wait to talk to him again.

[JLockhart]

You are not spineless - just human. It's very easy to give advise when you are outside of the situation. It's a lot harder to actually break up with someone you have been sharing your life with and have had a child with. Glad you seem to be moving in that direction though.

[Hope954]

Thank you - JLockart! I have some more updates on the situation for you guys but really busy now - will post it later!

Thank you again everyone for all of your support!