[Annette]

Thanks to everyone for the words of encouragement and support. I am not feeling quite as pitiful now as I was. I have hired a personal trainer at the gym to help me get back in shape (which I know bothers my husband a little), I have joined a book club and I have signed up to volunteer with a local charity organization. I have also re-established contact with 2 of my college roommates and started going to church again.

I have lost about 20 pounds and although it wasn't the healthy way to do it I must say I feel like I look better than I have in years! I do not need to lose any more though and over the last few weeks have started being able to eat again - trying to focus on healthy foods. My husband said he has to admit that I looked good and had a hot little body. I just said thanks - didn't act overjoyed or anything. Compliments at work continue and that feels good.

All of these are the positives and I am a LOT better than I was last time I posted - but I am far from over it. He has not actually left the house yet - but his new woman moved out of her house this past weekend so the actuality of him really leaving is closer and closer. I did finally put him in the guest room (I know - something I should have done MUCH sooner). He had the nerve to ask why HE had to go into the guest room and I got the good bed! I just told him he had made his choice, I enjoyed the good bed and I wasn't giving it up. We are trying to figure out how to split everything and where to live - will probably separate in February - and he will be hot and heavy with her soon thereafter. I do not know how I will possibly get through the first night that I will be home and I know they are together - that will be pure agony.

I am trying not to be vindictive - but I am so mad at this point it is tough. I have gone from feeling like my heart was ripped out to just having all of this anger that I do not know how to get rid of. I have kept my cool though - I am not letting him see that I am bothered by this at all right now. I even make light of the situation and joke sometimes which completely confuses him. If I seem in too good of a mood he is always like - you seem happy today - to which I just say - I am in a good place. (this is in large part a lie but I will not let him think he has destroyed me).

Ok - this is where I need some help. I need someone to kick my butt and tell me to stop. Over the weekend I snooped on his computer. I found a letter he had written to her confessing his undying love to her and how much he wanted her and not me etc.... This letter was written at the same time he was telling me he wasn't ready to end the marriage and wanted to live up to his committment to me. Lies, lies and more lies. I also found out how to log on to his e-mail account at work and have been keeping tabs of his e-mail conversations with her (they work together). They are not so bold as to write a lot on work e-mail but they have a code - instead of I love you they type !!! - so it is !!! back and forth all day long - like teenagers! Guess he really is in love! So I have forwarded this and other incriminating items to my e-mail in case I ever need some "proof" and deleted all traces that I had ever been in there. But I know this is not ethical, maybe not legal and potentially destructive but I can't seem to control myself on the 'need to know' part. It started out as gathering evidence but I have what I need and should stop - I know it - somebody talk some sense into me please!

The only good part about finding all of this is each little thing I see helps me to be more and more done with him and helps me realized the depths of his deception to me. In some ways it is helping me to stop holding on.

But I am definitely in the anger phase. I am seeing a lawyer tomorrow to determine what rights I have at this point. We will see how that goes.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Ok - this is where I need some help. I need someone to kick my butt and tell me to stop. Over the weekend I snooped on his computer. I found a letter he had written to her confessing his undying love to her and how much he wanted her and not me etc.... This letter was written at the same time he was telling me he wasn't ready to end the marriage and wanted to live up to his committment to me. Lies, lies and more lies. I also found out how to log on to his e-mail account at work and have been keeping tabs of his e-mail conversations with her (they work together). They are not so bold as to write a lot on work e-mail but they have a code - instead of I love you they type !!! - so it is !!! back and forth all day long - like teenagers! Guess he really is in love! So I have forwarded this and other incriminating items to my e-mail in case I ever need some "proof" and deleted all traces that I had ever been in there. But I know this is not ethical, maybe not legal and potentially destructive but I can't seem to control myself on the 'need to know' part. It started out as gathering evidence but I have what I need and should stop - I know it - somebody talk some sense into me please!

Annette, Annette, Annette, BUTT KICKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's probably natural to "snoop" after the damage, it's not like you are snooping trying to catch him out, rather you already knew and so it's more curiousity.

But, that curiousity has created "anger" so that's a good next move for you, but, you really don't need to do it anymore.

And, love isn't something that happens over night, rather "lust" is... they are in lust, if they are acting like teenagers, and codes etc.. So don't think for one minute that she can easlily replace the "love" you two had at one stage.

Think back when you both "started", it was lust and friendship and feelings and then love and then a real love/bond...

It's chicken feed at the moment.

But, you don't need to read mush and rubbish as your mind will start thinking all sorts or well, rubbish....

Just say to yourself, ahhh, I don't need to read that rubbish...

I mean look at all your doing?

Before you know it, you will look wicked, meet lots of new people, the husband will not believe his ears or eyes and you will feel fantastic over it all.

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

I think about how I feel I am losing everything and that he is just replacing me, moving on, and will not lose a thing.

He is losing. He's losing someone that has loved him unconditionally and would have continued to do so forever. While right now it may seem that he is okay with that, willing to throw it away... when he comes down out of the clouds and realizes this new woman, is a woman like any other. He is going to realize that he may have made a really huge mistake.

Instead of working things through to make himself feel how things once were heturned to someone else to start the process all over again, she will eventually lose her shine.

In your second post you mention just writing about it made you feel better. Keep doing that. Use this thread and know that we are listening and that we care. You have every right to be angry, to feel he has stolen something from you and you should express that and get it out of your system. Holding it in, deffering it will only seep out into other areas of your life.

Given that time, is the only thing that ever heals matters of the heart...you have to try to make the most of yours, stay busy, yet give yourself the moments to reflect on how you feel like you are doing here.

[Annette]

Thanks for kicking my butt CW! I am going to make it a goal to go all day tomorrow without checking the e-mail - you are right - I do not need to see the rubbish - I have always been nosey anyway and the temptation got to me. And I agree on the lust thing but when until I read that letter he was very passionate about his 'love' for her - something he says he has never felt before. Of course, he used to tell me that too but he seems to forget that now.

Thank you too Hopeless Dork for reminding me that he is losing something he may never have again. Your are right I do love him unconditionally - I didn't only love him because he loved me and just because he has stopped doesn't mean I have. Doesn't mean I would take him back at this point - just means I can't turn the feelings off. And I do not care what she says - there is no way she loves him that deeply - they are living in an illusion right now and real life will have to show up eventually. And you are also right that he isn't learning a thing about how to have a truly loving, lasting relationship - it is just on to the next thing. Wonder what he will do when he ends up in the same place with her? She should be worried about that. If he will do it with you he will do it to you (i think Dr. Phil said that ).

It is amazing how much it does help to vent. I am getting ready to go home from work - he will be there so fun fun fun. That's OK - my head is up at the moment (but I am still mad). Thanks!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You know that she will also expect him to "love her kids" and spend money on them as well, whilst they rant and rave and scream for everything under the sun and then there is the husband, her husband, hate to be a fly on the wall, truly...

Wonder how long "your husband" will last...?

Whilst you continue to look good, lose weight, feel good and as for mad? Pftttt... I say...

Sit back and watch this un-fold.......

CW

[Joy]

All I can say is ... Good for you Annette! Keep up the good work on yourself and your life will find its own beat again..... a happy beat!


AS for the lies he tells you its a security thing in case it is just lust with this woman as CW has pointed out and i bet the farm she is right!

As for the email snooping yeah stop... you got what you needed confirmed he is a liar and playing both sides a bit. I'm glad it helped you to detatch from this but its unhealthy to keep at it. Plus do you really wanna become a spectator of his life? NO you wanna go out and make your own.

Over the weekend I snooped on his computer. I found a letter he had written to her confessing his undying love to her and how much he wanted her and not me etc.... This letter was written at the same time he was telling me he wasn't ready to end the marriage and wanted to live up to his committment to me. Lies, lies and more lies.


Keep kicking open new doors and good luck!

[Annette]

Thanks all.

Have done well today not to check e-mails - thanks for trying to talk some sense into me. And you are so right - I do NOT want to be a spectator in his messed up life - hadn't looked at it like that before. Time to move on....

It is so true about the kids - he has never been a parent and now he is going to try a be a 'stepdad' to a 13 yr old and a 9 yr old (both boys) and share custody with her husband who knows my husband broke up his marriage and hates his guts for it. Yeah - that is going to work out well for him I am sure....

Also, my husband loves attention and honestly he will be jealous if she gives the kids more attention than she gives him (tell me again why I love someone like this?????)

Oh well - they are 'in love' and nothing else matters.

On to the lawyer this afternoon - he thinks I am level headed and will split things fairly because after all it isn't his fault he met the woman of his dreams and there was absolutely nothing he could do about his feelings.....he may get surprised!

[Annette]

Ok everyone - I seriously have mental issues. I did good today up until about 20 minutes ago and I did it again - found no e-mails between them today which means they must be working together so no need to e-mail. UGH!!!

I know, I know - this is nuts and I do want to let this go - I really do! He hasn't moved out of the house yet so maybe when he does it will be easier for me to forget him when he does? Or will it be worse because I will be thinking of all the time he is spending with her? Like I said I have issues!

Ok - I will not keep doing this to myself, I will not keep doing this to myself, I will not keep doing this to myself. If you say it 3 times then it is true right?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He hasn't moved out of the house yet

Oh dear and the reason for that is?

You know Annette, you are very refreshing... You put humor in your "attitude" and laughter in your "anger", it's very encouraging, very...

Well, if he lives there still (ahhhhh), then you are tempted to look.

STOP IT!!!!

Now as for leaving an accidental letter around the house, whilst he is living there, signed of "John" at the bottom, and "double meaning" words to confuse? Well, that's what I would be doing if my husband was still in my house haha...

To me, that's a cute payback...

Did I say that?

Nooo not CW....

[Annette]

I just got back from meeting with my lawyer and she rocks!! She told me to stop the e-mail thing too - there is nothing I can use it for legally anyway and I could get myself into trouble for it. That was the last push I needed - I am officially "forgetting" his password as of right now!

Thanks for the compliment CW - I have come a long way over the last month to be able to laugh at this at least a little

Yeah - he is still in the house because well, there is no good reason other than I let him and until very recently I had not really given up all hope (I know I know - kick me). He has a least been in a separate bedroom lately and we plan to part ways early February.

I have been thinking of ways to slowly drive him nuts though. Not in a terribly bad way - but he seems very confused when I am upbeat and happy - because how could I possibly be happy at a time like this? So - oh yeah - I have been laying it on thick - being in a great mood. Do you know what is funny - although at first I really had to act to be in a good mood - it seems to be contagious and now it isn't that much of an act anymore. Does this mean I'm getting better? I think so.

Hadn't thought about the letter - but I have been making him curious about my whereabouts - letting him know I am not sitting around pining for him. Last night he was traveling home from our mountain house and I knew he would be home around 10. So at 9:30 I left and went to a girlfriends house so that when he got home he would wonder where the heck I was and why I hadn't told him I wouldn't be there (boo hoo). And I made sure I was dressed very nicely.

So he got home, I wasn't there, he immediately called me to see where he was. I just said out with a friend, will be home later. Worked like a charm - by the time I got home he was so curious as to where I was, why I was in such a good mood and why I was dressed up that he couldn't stand it. And that was all I wanted - for him to know I am moving on and will be happy and just fine without him (even though I don't quite feel that way yet - I am getting there). And I didn't do anything but spend the evening catching up with a girlfriend I have known for 30 years which was actually very fun - who knows what he thinks I was doing - who cares? If he pressed I would probably tell him the truth - but for now I will let him wonder.....

The letter would be a nice touch as a follow up though....although I am not vindictive - no - not me!