[Annette]

I am looking for some support and ran across this website.

My husband of 9 years with whom I have had no previous problems announced last month that is in love with a woman that he works with. He has fallen out of love with me and now sees his future with her. We have no children, she is married and has 2 children. She is quite ready to leave her husband for mine.

I am beyond devastated. He refuses to try anything that would save our marriage. He has started seeing a therapist which I thought would be a good thing but she just tells him to follow his heart, she tells him not to feel guilty about making himself happy and that he shouldn't worry about living up to his wedding vows. He refuses to understand that relationships go in cycles and he is in the "in love" cycle now and those new feelings will eventually wear off. He and his therapist have decided that I am not very nurturing and obviously the other woman is Mother Teresa. This from a man who claimed for the last 9 years how lucky he was to have a wife like me that spoiled him all the time.

I do not understand how he can do this to me. I do not understand why he has no feelings for me anymore and no loyalty to his committment to me. He just says he is in love with her and can't stop.

I am a complete wreck. I can not concentrate on work, I can not eat, I can not sleep. I am 37 and my entire life has been taken away from me - and it was a very good life - or so I thought. Now I just have to start over from scratch while he gets to replace me and go on as nothing ever happened? It isn't fair and I do not deserve it.

If anyone out there has had similar experiences and has any advice on just how to get through day to day life I could use some suggestions. I made an appointment myself with a therapist but she can't see me for another week. In the meantime I have to find a way to get out of bed in the mornings and go on with my life - I just don't know how.

Thanks for letting me share--

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Welcome to the Forum..

I have no doubt you will get alot of support, you are not alone in this situation here, male or female.

I know people feel that the "grass is greener on the other side" but then something was missing, ( not the looking after), maybe the laughter, maybe the best friend scenario, maybe the romance, maybe the sex compatibility, something....

I also know what it's like to be 37 and where do i start? Only for me it was 44..

And, I know that you won't believe that in a couple of years, if he is still out of your life that your life will re-commence and be happy as and you will meet someone even better, ...

It's the now, and the how? That is the hardest for people...

You get out of bed knowing it's not your fault.
You get out of bed and say, right, what did I want to do but didn't because you were in my life?
You get out of bed and look in the mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful, and ask yourself what colour streaks you'd like for your hair, time for a change, give yourself a lift.

And, you wake up with the understanding that, even though he told you, he's cheated on you and you do in deed deserve better than that, and thank goodness you weren't 47 and wasted another 10 years and had children...

CW

[Ashlee T.]

Couldn't have said it better CW.

You will indeed go through a grieving process, one similar to experiencing the death of someone close to you. Embrace it, because each step in the process (including the times you feel like you can't get out of bed in the mornings and face the world) will get you to a point in your life you never imagined you could be.

I'd say that most marriages that end due to affair end because the adulterer feels that new infatuation excitement that you tend to get for a new person. You're a smart lady and you know that will pass. And it will. So rest assured when you lay your head down at night, that some day, at some point he will regret losing you and miss you. You may never hear it from him but that doesn't mean he won't feel it. HOWEVER, this is your time to work on yourself so that you wouldn't even dare think about taking him back or giving him one more second of your life.

No time is wasted time......learn from it, grow from it and learn to find the positives in your life. My heart goes out to you and the heartache I know you're feeling, but at the same time, I'm excited for you.....because I know that behind these dark clouds you've got SO much happiness ahead. :-)

Hang in there.

[Annette]

Thanks to both of you for your words of encouragement. I felt a little better just getting it out a little with my post. Some days are better than others. Yesterday I felt as if I were close to rock bottom, today I feel a bit better - not much but every bit helps.

I am trying to focus on myself and take care of myself. I have learned from this experience that it is important to be your own person even if you are in a relationship - that is something that I failed to do over the last 9 years. I built my life around him and the marriage and lost myself somewhere in the process. Maybe this had to happen for me to find myself - I don't know.

I am trying hard not to want him and everything we shared back. I wish I could point to all the bad things in our relationship to help me get over this - there just weren't any bad things of any substance until now. I feel like someone else has possessed his body because this person he is right now is not the person I have known. He was always the first to be morally outraged if we knew anyone else who had been unfaithful. He always had morals before that guided him or at least I thought so. I was wrong - obviously.

Today is a new day - I will try to keep my head up.

[Annette]

Bad day - Husband still leaving

I wrote a few days ago about my husband leaving for another woman and it was therapeutic just to get it down.

Some days are better than others. Today is a really bad day for me. Nothing in particular, just missing him - missing the relationship. I don't want to miss him - I wish I could hate him because that would make this easier. But I don't and I can't hate him, even now.

I am really struggling to hold it together today at work. I feel so lost and so empty. We always touched based several times throughout the day at work -and now nothing.

How is it so easy for him to replace me? How is it so easy for him to stop loving me? Why do I have to give up the life that I spent 9 years building?

Sounds pathetic I know and I have really always considered myself a strong person but I do not know how to handle this. I do not know how to understand this.

Logically, I know that life goes on and I will be OK - but my emotions tell me otherwise. He was everything I ever wanted and I always felt so fortunate that he loved me. And now - I feel like I am in the twighlight zone - this can't be my life - it must be someone elses. I am a good, solid, decent, loving, successful person - how is that not enough for him? How am I not enough for him?

I feel like a loser just typing the words but I can't stop the way I feel. Thanks for letting me get some of this out.

[Hope954]

You are so far from a loser, the feelings that you have are real and natural. Heartbreak is 2nd in emotional pain only to having someone you love die. It almost feels like someone died. The loss is just that real.

You were with him for 9 years so it will take some time for you to get over him, but time heals all wounds - it will come. The big thing is not to call him or reach out to him. Please don't beg him back or ask him why - this will only push him farther away and make him lose respect for you. Hold on to your pride - don't let him take that, too! You have to now pick yourself up, find yourself, call up your friends and be Thankful that there aren't any children involved. The other woman has nothing up on you, she's married too so that tells you a whole lot about her character.

Also understand that life has a way of throwing us these curve balls. You said it yourself - you are a strong person. Keep telling yourself daily that you are doing it for you and one day you will wake up and not have to tell yourself that anymore. Sometimes our hearts do things that we don't want - realize that the love you still have for him does not make you crazy. You feel what people in love are supposed to feel.

Smile at the fact that you are not the one in the wrong here. You did him right. Once you're over this you can walk away knowing that you did right by him, which in turn means that he doesn't deserve you. You are too good for him. He deserves what he has - a woman with no moral value or respect for the constitution of marriage. What goes around always comes back - good thing you won't be around when the shhh hits the fan for him!

We are all rooting for you - you'll make it through this. Make some changes to institute the new you and start you moving in a different direction (ie. cut your hair or add extensions, color or high lights, new shoes). Preferably a change you've always wanted to do but he wasn't crazy about. It is going to be a rough journey no doubt, but you'll make it!

[Annette]

Time for my daily meltdown. I did well most of today - I have lost quite a bit of weight during this episode and have recieved many compliments today which has boosted my ego a bit. I have also been dressing much nicer for work and wearing things that my husband wouldn't have necessarily liked me to wear to work before and getting lots of compliments on that as well. He has noticed too and commented that I looked really nice - like I was on the market - I told him I didn't want to be but that is where he had put me. So that is the good part of my day.

Now for the meltdown part - I can not stop thinking about him and her together - about all the things he will share with her in his future that he should be sharing with me. Even about silly things like if they get married will the ring he buys her be better than mine. I think about all the things we planned to do together that he will now be doing with her. I think about how long it may be before I am "intimate" with anyone again while he will get to continue that part of his life as well which was always a very important part of my life. I think about how I feel I am losing everything and that he is just replacing me, moving on, and will not lose a thing. I try to stop these thoughts but they persist and they haunt me.

Any suggestions on how to stop the thoughts from taking over my day?

[Hope954]

Annette, its just not that easy. I know you wish it would all go away - but I've been heartbroken that way before and you will have those thoughts, that's part of your healing process. I wish there was some majic way to erase it from your mind.

What helped me was that I started to see my friends and other guys soon after he broke up with me. Guys, just to date - nothing serious or you will find yourself with a guy that is just a rebound which will make you feel even worse because then you won't be able to love him fully. Your heart has to be clear before you can move on. But, some of my most fun dates ever was when I was heartbroken - because I knew I didn't want anything serious and just went with the flow. Yes, the pain returns one you're alone again - but I believe that this period of dating kept me mentally healthy. I found out that other guys found me attractive and that I was not going to die without him even though it felt like it.

The weight loss happened to me too. I lost like 18 pounds in the first month alone - lost 40 altogether. The loss of appetite is nuts. Just feels like you always have a funny feeling in your stomach and when you take a few bites you feel like you'll be sick if you continue eating. But, reconnect with your friends, get out, get back to taking care of you and what you want out of life. If you concentrate on these things - you will find yourself thinking of him less and less.

I told him I didn't want to be but that is where he had put me.

You should have said, "Yes, looking for something fresh and new!" Don't let him know that he took your world even though he has. This is just something for him to talk about with the new girl. Don't let yourself be pitiful to them. I know its hard - but you can do it. Stay strong - I'm pulling for you!

[Ashlee T.]

Annette, you should be quite proud. I admire you for how wonderfully you're handling such a tough situation. Awesome that you're letting the compliments make you feel good. You DESERVE those compliments. Losing weight is great, as long as you're doing it in a healthy way. And fancying up a bit to boost your self esteem? That's awesome! Keep doing it!

What you're feeling is totally normal. You're not crazy for imagining him with her. Who wouldn't? BUT, remember that you will paint a picture in your mind that is likely totally different from reality. And, when those thoughts come in your mind, learn to tell them to go away. Sounds crazy, but tell yourself "No!".

I would recommend getting into a gym, or some sort of rigorous exercise. Kick some butt in the gym (but you have to eat!) and that will relieve a tremendous amount of pressure.

And also, I would highly recommend reading Eckart Tolle's "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose". This book truly helped me to be able to identify the "voices in my head"...and how to take control of ME. Gives you a new outlook..a boost..and now's the time when you need that more than ever.

Keep hangin in. I promise you, there will be rough times, lonely times....but you WILL get through this and you'll be a better person for it in the long run.

[Joy]

annette,

Its rough cause it was a surprise and a shock... no worries one day this will all be behind you and a distance memory. Go to the gym and clear your head. Since you are losing weight you might as well do it the healthy way.

Think of all the things you said one day too and pick one and do it... just do it! An art class, skydiving, theater, dance classes, computer classes, a writing group, a cooking class whatever.. just go do it.

take time and invest in yourself cause you are worth it.


read thru past posts... some of these ladies have held letting go ceremonies when they were ready just to symbolize the letting go and embracing the new untold stories of their lives.

You will have many bad days yet but we are here for you