[CHANDLERS WISH]

lol... Good for you...

You know, it never ceases to amaze me why people, i say people, "want their cake and eat it too".....

"Oh honey, I'm having an affair, but by the way you don't mind if i live in the same house now do you"..

"Oh honey, I want to be with someone else. Um, where are you? Where have you been? Why are you dressed like that".....

I do understand, the "I don't want you but no one else can have you"... But, seriously? You seem to be at least coping and I am very pleased, and therefore, the living arrangements at present, well you certainly at least can have a bit of fun teesing and proding the bloke till he boils.... not much of a revenge (I don't actually really believe in that word, nor hate) but, I can't say I am not a tad, "naughy" when someone erks me off.......

What's more important though seriously, is you were able to get dressed up, feel good, know you looked good, get out, not wallow, and actually enjoy your night with your girlfriend.

That's one heck of a step for "Woman"....

Go roar.

CW

[Hope954]

Hi Annette - I am so proud of you! You are coming along just great and CW is right its great to know that you got all dressed up and had a great time with your girlfriend. Keep it up! I think the letter idea is a great idea and I am glad you are not letting yourself look pitiful. You go girl!

So, did your lawyer say anything about you benefitting more from the divorce or anything? After all, he is the one that commited adultury - doesn't that like guarantee you certain things - like alimony. I've never been married but I know of people that have been divorced and seems their ex-spouses pay them alimony. It would be good if you could get some finances out of all of this, too. I know that right now your emotions are out there and money is the last thing on your mind. But, that would really get to him to have to send you a check every month and you deserve it. You can get your hair, manicures and pedicures on him from now on or use the money as savings or whatever. Just a thought...

I will be checking in on you - and am pulling for you all the way. You have a lot of people on here who care for you so do not feel that you are alone in this.

[Annette]

Thanks!

Unfortunately my state is a no fault divorce state and even though he is in the wrong assets are split 50/50. If we had children or alimony was in the picture then it might help - but no kids and alimony is out because we actually make about the same amount of money - me a little more.

HOWEVER - my lawyer has a strategy for me to get more than 50/50. We also have an alienation of affection law in my state where I can sue the other women for 'luring' my husband away. They are very hard to prove and I would never actually do it, but my husband knows full well that if I did, even if I lost, it would cost her about $50,000 to defend and it would be very public and very messy. He knows this because her husband threatened to sue my husband for this very thing and so she is having to give her husband extra money in the separation agreement to get him to sign a waiver not to sue. So the threat of that will force him to pretty much give me what I want because he will have to "protect" his girlfriend at all cost. In reality I would never really ever stoop so low as to sue her but he doesn't have to know that - it is just a bargaining tool and hey - he should have thought about that before he made his decision to have an affair.

In reality I won't take it too far because I am OK with 50/50 on most things except one. We have a weekend getaway house in the mountains which he wants. Well - there is no way he is going to have that house and get away with her in it so my deal will be to split all else 50/50 and I get to keep the mountain house. This house is his most important possession - but it is very valuable to me as well and I shouldn't have to give it up to "them". And everytime I am there (and eventually when I am there with someone else, someone better) I will enjoy the fact that he had to give it up.

So - as you can probably tell I am not doing too well with the anger today - but it is just part of the rollercoaster I guess and it really does help to vent on here and get feedback.

I have done well on the e-mail thing - I deleted the link from my favorites and have not checked it at all today - so I am really through with that. He is leaving tomorrow for Ireland to go visit his parents for a week and talk to them/tell them about all of this. It will be interesting to see their reaction but I am sure they will just want their boy to be "happy". No family on either side suspects a thing yet - so telling them will be hard - my parents are going to hate him. Oh well----

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Anger is fine... It's good to get it all out...

I am astounded that you have done this on your own, your family do not know yet?

I remember when I told my parents, I thought that they would have reacted differently, try so to speak..

But, they didn't, quite the opposite, they stated that they had noted that I hadn't been myself, or happy for at least 4 years and that were glad and that I deserved better and then they shocked me, by stating "DON'T YOU EVER GO BACK".. I left the home, with everything in it....

Don't fear talking to them, obviously you know that they love you, you are their child, they will hate him.. But, you need their love and support.

You have no idea how fantastic that felt when my parents said all of that to me, and my brother... It was something I needed. YOU NEED.

It's time you beat him to the bullet again... Go see your parents/family and tell them, before he tells his. Kind of like yet another twist of... Well, my parents were informed before you got to Ireland.. I have no shame, they are my family/friends and know what love is all about...

CW

[Hope954]

Okay, I understand - well as long as you're okay with it go for it, but yea fight for the mountain house.

Also, CW is right again - anger is natural in your situation. I am new to this website to but it allows you an opportunity to vent and get honest opinions to your situation from people who can look at the situation through clear eyes because they are not involved. So, don't worry - vent that anger as much as often as you need.

You seem really great and one day you'll be thanking him for leaving and giving room for that perfect guy that will never think of doing anything to hurt you.

Take care.

[Ashlee T.]

Just checking in on you and see that you're doing GREAT!! Again, you should be SO proud of how you're handling this. You are such a strong woman and don't ever let this situation make you feel differently. Lord knows the anger is natural. Who on Earth wouldn't be angry at this man, at this woman, at this situation? You're right, you have every right to fight for the house in the mountains if you want it. Alot of women in your situation would be sitting around, drowning in self pity, and letting him walk all over you. But NOT you! You're finding inspiration from this to make your life better, to make yourself a happier, healthier person. Involving yourself in the community? Incredible.

It's perfectly clear, I think to most who read this that you've got an incredible life ahead of you. Stay strong, allow yourself to have moments of anger, moments of sadness, but then once you've had those moments pick yourself up again and push forward to happiness. Keep pushing girl, it's coming for you.......and it's going to be AMAZING!

[Annette]

Very Very Bad Day

Ok--

My husband left for Ireland last night and I came up to our mountain house for the weekend. I was on the computer in our office and noticed from his last internet signon he had an internet e-mail account that I was not previously aware of. It had his sign on name but not his password - I of course easily guessed his password - he was stupid enough to use a version of an old one. Now before we go further I did check with my lawyer and if it is from a computer in my house, I 'knew' his password and he had never asked me not to log into it - than I have not done anything illegal.

This is different from the other e-mail I was tracking (which I haven't looked at anymore by the way) - but since it was a 'secret' email that I had never seen before I had to see what this was all about.

Well, from the beginning he has maintained there was never any kind of physical relationship - it was all emotional. And call me stupid (which I am) but I believed him - probably because I wanted to.

Well, what do you know? They have been sleeping together for months and now I have proof. I don't think I have ever been this mad in my entire life. And it really isn't just about the sex - it is the depth of the deception and the lies upon lies upon lies.

He slept with her on Dec 15th - she sent him an e-mail at 9:58 that morning telling him that he had just left her room and she just had to tell him how wonderful he was. At 10:00 that same morning he sent me an e-mail asking me if I wanted to go to dinner that night - which we did and at which he wined and dined me and told me he wanted to live up to his commitment to me
and try to work on the marriage. Which worked like a charm because as much as I hate to admit this now I believed that too and we ended up having what I thought was a wonderful night out and then back home in bed as well. IDIOT!! Two different women in two nights - what a stud he must of felt like!

Reading through the e-mails it is quite obvious on many occasions that he would tell her one thing and tell me something quite different. He would have conversations with me about working things out and then turn around and tell her that he had talked to me and ended things.

She made him start wearing pajamas to bed which is something he has never done before. He told me he just found them more comfortable - but I had already guessed that she was the reason. She made him promise not to kiss me anymore - which he stopped doing around Christmas.

Well, I know snooping was wrong but it was really right in my face and I don't regret because now I know even more about the kind of person he is and exactly how much lying he is capable of.

I am tempted to send her a note detailing out the specifics of what he was telling her in emails vs what he was telling me. I can tell from a few of her emails she is having a little bit of a tough time trusting him - especially sensitive to things he was doing with me/talking to me about. If she only knew how much he was lying to her I wonder how she would feel then?

However, she would probably not believe me anyway so it is probably better to ignore it and if she gets her heart broken by this untrustworthy man then you reap what you sow I guess.

I am wallowing in this a little right now but I will get back on track and be more upbeat tomorrow. I am going to be better without this destructive man in my life -

He is expecting to come home from Ireland and get the separation agreement finalized ASAP based on things we discussed before he left. With the knowledge I now have, I will not settle the way I was willing to settle before - so he is in for a rude awakening when he returns, founds out I know about the sex and finds out how much it will cost him....I may just become a rich woman....

[WildChild]

A former neighbor of mine went through this. They had kids, a beautiful home, vacation property, investments - to all appearances they had a picture perfect life. Until he announced that he had met an old girlfriend from his school days and was leaving to be with her. The old gf encouraged him saying that if he was considering it, it must mean his marriage wasn't good.

My friend was devistated, she had worked hard to help create the life they had and had made good money before they had kids. She found herself abandoned by many of the people they had socialized with as a couple and starting over. There were a lot of tears and trouble. One day was half laughing half in tears because the ex had bought new furniture for himself - the furniture she had wanted for years and he had said they couldn't afford. Of course the gf dumped him pretty quickly. She dated some pretty odd men. Now she's finished school, started a new career, and seeing a great guy. She has turned her house (much smaller that when she was married) into a gem - her dream home. Ahd she is very happy.

Hang in there, you'll get through this. The best revenge is living well and being happy!

[Annette]

Thanks for the encouragement. I know you are right and that being happy and living well is the best revenge...and I am trying to do just that. I was actually doing pretty well this past week and felt like I was moving on a bit and healing a bit. But this new information is a completely new level of deception for me and I feel like the parts that were starting to heal over are fresh and new again. I know it is self-inflicted but I had to know....

Anyway - enough with the Pity Parties for myself!!! I have a very busy week planned. Drinks with an old friend tomorrow night (a male but purely friends - won't hurt to hear a male tell me how great I look though) , Dinner with my parents on Tuesday night (I am going to finally tell them), Bible Study Wednesday night, Book club Thursday night - Friday night to the mountains -
So I have full week planned - which will definitely help!

He comes back from Ireland on Saturday and wants me to have a separation of assets proposal ready for us to talk through. I think he may be surprised at some of the changes I have made since the last time we talked about it.....

Haven't figured out yet exactly what I want to do with this new piece of information but part of me wants to see the look on his face when he finds out I know. He has been bragging and has been so proud of himself that although he had an affair, at least he had enough morals and respected me enough not to do anything physical! Please - can not believe I fell for that --

Oh well - live and learn. I will make sure the next guy has some integrity - I deserve so much better than this and I will get it. And he will get what is coming to him at some point - Karma Rocks!

I used to like rollercoaster rides - but I am ready to get off of this one!

[Ashlee T.]

You're a smart woman, and a strongly intuitive woman. Though on the surface you "believed" him (because he told u what you wanted to hear), you didn't actually believe him in your gut.....and that is why you searched for answers that this dastardly man would not give you. Lies upon lies upon lies..... Men who do this, lie to get out of a lie to get out of a lie and before they know it, their entire life is built on a lie. But YOU are too smart for him, and you didn't have to have honesty from him because you found your answers....the answers you knew deep inside you all along.

The mistress is no better than your husband. She knew he was married......she let herself be the other woman. And all this time you've thought "why does he want her and not me?"....when in reality he's LYING to her the same way he has to you. So I'd leave her be......let her figure out the hard way that if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you.

Sounds like you have a busy week. Keep the strength going, the more and more time that passes, the more you'll be THANKFUL you're not with this "man". Hang in there. And thank you for updating us and sharing your feelings along your journey.