[WildChild]

How are you doing getting everything else straightened out? I think moving in with ANY guy right now would be a really bad idea. You need to get yourself happy with yourself first. I know it might seem hard but it will save you a lot of grief in the long run.
How are the plans for school coming along?

[ThexMrs]

I'm doing great when it comes to everything else. My Financial Aid has been processed and it says that I am eligible for $6,000. It's a Grant so it's not something I would have to pay back. That's good news. That bad is the part about my mother and her taxes. That could possibly put a damper on my plans. I have to give them a call and see what is going on.

Work is going good. I have my ups and downs when it comes to it but I'm trying to focus. I haven't worked the last couple of days though. It's been SO hot here that I can't function. It's been a 107 degrees and I'm in a house with no A/C so you can imagine the heat. On top of that emotionally I've been wrecked.

I have drank one time in the last 6 weeks. I did get trashed but I only had three drinks. I don't have a high tolerance for alcohol. It was a friend's birthday party so we went to a bar. I enjoyed myself.

I've not had sex since Michael. That was about 6 weeks ago. I've not hooked up at all. That's something I am very proud of. I'm doing good when it comes to that as well.

All in all things are good except emotionally and my living situation.

[ThexMrs]

Okay... I left one thing out. My urge to cut has been greater than it has been in MONTHS. Yesterday I didn't do what you would call "cut" but I took a knife with a serrated edge and pressed it into my arm until I bled. I only did that once.

[WildChild]

Agghhh DON"T do that!!
Just don't. Scream or something instead.

[ThexMrs]

It's really no big deal. Honest. I'm fine.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It's really no big deal. Honest. I'm fine.

WRONG.

WRONG.

It is a big deal why waste all this energy on self healing to self distruct?

Honest your fine - so is the hairs on my......................neck..............

Don't deny stupidity - so far your doing good why ruin it with statements that are not true?

[ThexMrs]

I don't feel that I am self destructing. I have never had a problem with my cutting. It's been a part of me for a long time. To me cutting is just like having a cigarette. They both harm but I won't die for a long time. I just don't see it as a big deal.

[WildChild]

Sweetie, it's a sign og a deeper pain that isn't being addressed. Did you ever get a copy of, Heroine's Journey? I really, really think you should read it. It's a wonderful book written by a female therapist, it's very readable, fun, thought provoking and I think it will speak to you. (It's not the least bit preachy)

[ThexMrs]

That's possible. *shrugs* I haven't ventured into myself enough to know the root of why I do it. All I know is that I do it, it's easy and I don't feel bad about it. I just now put a hold on it at the library so when it's ready I will pick it up.

[ThexMrs]

My best friend in the whole entire world is the most confusing person. Have I mentioned this? Lol. I talked to him a little bit ago and I mentioned moving in with Jared to see what his opinion of it was. He said that it's a lot of work. Like I didn't know that? He said that's all he is going to say about it. So we talked about us again. I asked him to please tell me that nothing would ever happen between us again (if that were the case) so that I could move on. He refused to tell me that. Why? Why? Why? I told him how I didn't want to settle with Jared and that I wish it was him because I don't feel that I would be settling. He giggled of course. I hate him but I love him. I said you must think that to be with me would be settling because we're not together. He said absolutely not. And then the famous line... "It's just the distance." I'm never going to get an answer out of him unless I threaten to never speak to him again. He can't handle that. He's so scared that I am going to leave and when I even mention it he gets upset. I think that's my only option. Just threaten to leave if he doesn't give me a real answer.

Here is a problem (not with Marty or Jared but... Just listen) Ryan, yes that Ryan might be moving in. I don't know how I feel about that. It's certainly not ideal but he does have a girlfriend now. Well, that never stopped him before. I told Jared to give him a heads up on the situation and now he's upset and we haven't talked since I told him yesterday. I said it's not my house and I don't have any control over it and Jared told me to protest. I'm not going to do that. It's not MY house. I told him that everything would be okay even though I don't know that it will be.

Also, my brother's girlfriend's friend (J) is coming to visit and staying here. She keeps trying to hook me up with him. I talked to him on the phone once and apparently he said that I sounded very sexy (can't deny that - I've been told hundreds of times I have a 900 # voice) and he said I seemed really cool. I told Jared about him staying here and he's mad about that too. When dating someone should you just not saying anything? It seems to make things worse but I'm so honest I don't want to hide it.