[caterpillar79]

Caterpillar, thanks. No I haven't received closure. I read and reread your last two emails. They are full of wisdom. I understand you and the things I have to do.

You are welcome. Regarding the closure issue: just a thought...why don't you tell her that you are letting her go, but she is free to come back to you once she makes up her mind. In that way, you are not leaving her for another woman, but you are just giving her space (actually you're doing it now - the only difference is that you are VERBALIZING it to her). At her own pace, she can examine her heart and think undistracted of you. You can actually set a 'no contact' between the two of you, and agree when you can touch base and see where you both are at (i.e. 1 month, 2 or 3 months - up to you). Whatever her decision, you must be ready.

My prayers are still full of requests for her return...of course with strong understanding of reasonable parameters for both of us. Even with my writing of these words, my heart feels less and less hope. I think that is her hope, that I give up. It will make it easier for her. She is a strong woman when it comes to discarding broken hearts. She can detach easily, it is what she has experienced throughout her life. I feel like a statistic. Especially since no phones calls are forthcoming. I will strengthen myself daily, continue with prayer and hope for the best. At this stage, I'd love to see her again.

Try your best to live as if you are on your own - easier said than done, but doable. I understand that hope would fade, even so with love. But, if love were to stay even with no contact, then, you can say, it is worth all the wait and the turmoil.

You have come a long way to back out. Your patience will be rewarded, if not with her, it will be someone you deserve. Pray without ceasing.

[artist1633]

Thanks again Caterpillar, you said it wonderfully, "if love were to stay even with no contact, then, you can say, it is worth all the wait and the turmoil."

I have come a long way to back out. I do really pray for my patience to be rewarded.
I'm thinking that in 2 more weeks I will call her for lunch or something like that.

[kms]

artist, I think caterpillar has summed it up pretty well. I just wanted to add that "T" reminds me a lot of one of my friends. She's not quite as extreme as T, but she's far from being able to hold normal relationships. She and I became friends and began hanging out once a week. I tried calling her the next day sometimes to see if she wanted to get dinner, but she would never respond. She would only respond a few days later, just to make some excuse and confirm our next weekly get together. I came to realize that she had done the same as T - she had compartmentalized her life. I was fit into once a week and nothing else.

She also had a difficult childhood - she and her mother were abused by her father, and her father even put a gun to their heads and threatened to kill them. Her mother cheated on her father (and then left her father and married the guy she cheated with) and my friend was furious. She's stuck between loyalty to her dad and her mom, and longs for her father's acceptance and love. Her romantic relationships are similar to yours. They are always on her terms and on her time. They never last long; she is only available when she wants to be and disappears completely when she's decided it's been too much. Many of the men she has dated all still madly love her and seem to be very caring guys (I've met them... somehow she still considers me her friend after all this time; I've given up on a real relationship and just hang out with her every now and then, when she wants it. I'm not looking for anything real from her). She keeps all these men on a string, flitting from one to another, adding new ones every so often. She has never held down a successful relationship, and I doubt she ever will because she repeats the same cycle, over and over again. She can't get out by herself, and no man can ever succeed in getting her out either. Only professional help, her own motivation, and time will work.... as I am sure is the case with T as well.

[artist1633]

As a mature woman, T has definitely developed a good routine. She does have her usual places she frequents. She always goes and leaves alone unless she is with her girlfriends.
Interesting that she never wanted me to be with her at her places. At the beginning yes, then that changed to never.
Today is Sunday and with each day that passes I read your messages and the pattern of her behavior hones in. I realize that this can go either way. By the end of the month all answers or nonanswers will point to a definite road.

[caterpillar79]

As a mature woman, T has definitely developed a good routine. She does have her usual places she frequents. She always goes and leaves alone unless she is with her girlfriends.
Interesting that she never wanted me to be with her at her places. At the beginning yes, then that changed to never.
Today is Sunday and with each day that passes I read your messages and the pattern of her behavior hones in. I realize that this can go either way. By the end of the month all answers or nonanswers will point to a definite road.

You can actually write a thesis on her, can't you? You have had this very poin-by-point data on her that makes me feel like you are "stalking" her. (I am just teasing you). I want you to smile a bit, artist. You must keep smiling amidst that pain.

Patience is a virtue. You have what it takes. Any woman would love to have a man like you. Please, don't keep putting your eggs in one basket.

[artist1633]

Actually, we shared what days she was available and what days she could be with me, down to the hours. She would call me on her way to her friends or home. When she would call, we'd talk for hours and hours until we knew each other like a book. The wonder of it all is that I knew more about her than any of her friends. T knows me like a book. She would take me to her places, we'd hang out. Then that stopped. Her schedule is down to the minute. She has to be like that otherwise she couldn't handle her schedule. It is so tight that I became the odd person out. She actually said that once. So here we are.

[caterpillar79]

She seems to not only have the abandonment issue haunting her. I see it as I want out issue. Sorry, I feel that right now, based on what you have said this last time. She cares for you, but not the way you do for her. Imbalanced quantities...keep finding for the value of X, else, the equation is not right!

You let her know how much you care, and then let go. Let her go, let her have her way. If she comes back, she's yours, if she doesn't she never was. I hate to say this, but I would look for possible options. Honestly, she has to know that you will not be around forever.

[artist1633]

You put it succinctly. That is what to do. I appreciate your wisdom...yet again. I will let her have her space, like I have the past 2 weeks. Should I call at the end of the month or not at all.

It is almost impossible to believe love can be made and not have devotion in equal amounts. It becomes an issue of belief and faith. She knows how I feel...I won't remind her. I think she cares but is afraid of showing it and living it. As an older woman, I can't imagine this is her first attempt at love. Perhaps the reason we lasted so long was patience on both our parts. If this has occurred before on her part, then she won't return. Because she is used to it. If my goodness and patience serves as good reminders then she will. Perhaps they won't be enough for her to miss me. Though my constant thoughts are they will be sufficient for her to consider future contact.

[caterpillar79]

Here's a thought. I am not saying that this is what she is feeling, this is just for you to consider. I have been a recluse, I wanted my way, yet, I wanted company, love and affection. After my bf and I broke up, I found myself so empty and needy - I fought that. I triumphed. I met a wonderful person who wanted to give me all the love and affection I so needed at that time. He is always there for me, never let me down - no matter how many times I have ditched him, rejected him, bruised his pride. I took him in and tried to see a life with him. But I couldn't find my heart to open up and commit. (your case is different - I know) But I am bringing this up because I feel that no matter how much you show her your love and your loyalty, if she doesn't feel the love to grow out of her heart for you as much as you do, then, she wouldn't be able to commit to you ever...not even the willingness to get over her demons and enjoy a happy life with you.

It is very difficult. Human behavior and thinking is far too complex to fathom. There are plenty of books written on this agenda, but non can say this is the right prescription for such issue. Only time would tell us.

[Guest]

I've read this, but haven't commented because I'm not sure what to think about this woman.

She may be beautiful, but I have to say, I've never experienced or heard of this type of behavior.

I'm not one to immerse myself in games. And I think that's what she's doing. Playing games. Either she wants in or out. I don't think the way she treats you is indicative of a person capable of a healthy relationship.

However - I also believe you need to take some responsibility for this. She'll only do this to you as long as you allow her.

I can tell you what I'd do in the situation.

I'd let her be.

I'm not sure what magic moment is going to change this woman.

Life is too short to be in pain all the time.

Good luck.