[mdraven380]

Oh I understand now.
He's still texting me saying that he feels like a part of him is missing.
I'm so angry and hurt still.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I know... All we can do is be here for you and you should keep writing and venting to let it all out sweet.

It's all you wrote about his past loves, letters, web sites, words spoken that make me feel that you need to keep going and stay away and find someone for you totally without all that..

We're thinking of you anyways.

CW

[WildChild]

He sounds narcisstic. Look it up and see what you think. They can be very damaging and in some cases dangerous. In any case he carry his past around and feeds his ego on it. You don't need that .

[mdraven380]

Thanks CW and Wildchild,
My counselor told me today that I'm still in denile and also bargining as a person would be with the death of a loved one. She said I need to make it final and have a symbolic funeral for the relationship. I think one of you had mentioned that before.
I think I'm going to set one of our pics on fire and throw it in the river.
I want to be strong and never text, e-mail or call him again. Last time I lasted two days without hearing from him before I started e-mailing him.'
She told me not to second guess myself and reminded me that I was lonely even in the relationship. She remembers me telling her as clear back as Feb. Thanks for letting me vent. I won't have any money left to go to the conselor soon and no one to talk to other then this messageboard.
She really explained things to me in a way that I finally understood after 30 years of bad relationships. It started when I was 14 yrs old. I have never given myself a break longer than a month between boyfriends. I tried to bypass the grief.

I have a few things lined up to help get my mind off of things. One of which is Pittsburgh's annual food drive and Zombie Walk held at Monroville Mall.
I participated in the first walk a few years back and we made it into the Guineess Book of World Records for the largest zombie gathering!
I love horror movie, Halloween, haunted housed and anything spooky(not Evil).
Also love metal music such as Marilyn Manson, ( found that funny when CW said Scott reminded her of MM).
I'm hoping to buy a computer art program and maybe a new camera and "focus" (no pun intended,lol) on my photography again.
My art work and photography were the two things in life that brought me joy also my interest in music. Probably why I always got hooked up with band guys. Guess I just should have formed a band myself instead of waiting for them to live out my dream . Kinda like a parent lives out their dreams through their children I guess. I have no children. Just anxiety which has put a hold on my life and prevented me from doing tons of things that I like.
Hopefully Scott will soon be a distant memory that is no longer painful to me anymore. I understand now that this takes time and that there is no way around it.
Counselor told me that I never was able to grieve the loss of my brother in law last year let alone my sister and father.
But I'm still here and I think I've actually learned a lot this time around.
I want to find my destiny and hope that I can do something sometime to help others in this world.

[mdraven380]

He sounds narcisstic. Look it up and see what you think. They can be very damaging and in some cases dangerous. In any case he carry his past around and feeds his ego on it. You don't need that .

I will look this up. Funny how Scott always told me he was one of a rare few that was in a band but didn't have a big ego

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I like your councellor

They say that we tend to look for a "father image" when we first start dating, someone like Daddy, (assuming we loved Daddy), I think that's true.

So, it makes sense also that if you love music, and it's in your soul (ex-singer here), that you also would be attracted to the charisma of that music and therefore, a man whom is involved in music that touches your soul... It's the words, it's the feel, yet it may not be the man himself....

MM - well I'll be the Witch striked again lol... (Mr Manson)...

I think your attitude is perfect and your thought pattern also... Maybe write a letter with that photo and burn them both together sending it out to the Universe....

CW

[mdraven380]

I like your councellor

They say that we tend to look for a "father image" when we first start dating, someone like Daddy, (assuming we loved Daddy), I think that's true.

So, it makes sense also that if you love music, and it's in your soul (ex-singer here), that you also would be attracted to the charisma of that music and therefore, a man whom is involved in music that touches your soul... It's the words, it's the feel, yet it may not be the man himself....

MM - well I'll be the Witch striked again lol... (Mr Manson)...

I think your attitude is perfect and your thought pattern also... Maybe write a letter with that photo and burn them both together sending it out to the Universe....

CW

My father was in a Polka band for years. He played the accordion. When he passed away his wife gave me that accordion. When dad got remarried his wife made him quit the band . My mom never did that to him.

[WildChild]

We talked many times here about having some sort of letting go ceremony. It is very important and running water is the time honored place to let something go. Your idea is a good one, follow it up with a purification by cleaning your space, getting rid of clutter, clearin out the closet and then giving yourself a good cleaning. This prepares you to move forward.

[mdraven380]

well it has been more than 24 hours now that I haven't tried to contact Scott. I would delete his number then add it back to my phone.
I thought I may have found someone else last week that I was compatable with but that only lasted a few days. when I refused to sleep with him he seemed to dessappear quickly, plus he has a lot of baggage that I didn't know if I was ready for, i.e. Kids, ex wife problems, troubles with family. Not trying to get myself involved with all that drama again.
I catch myself now everytime I feel like I'm bargining for my past relationship or a new one. This is the first time in my life I'll gone with my gut instinct and it paid off. It still hurts so much to be alone, I mean without a significant other. I still feel empty. All my dreams went out the door with Scott when he left. I want to find dreams that I can fulfill myself without worrying about somone else tearing them apart.
I have so much hurt to heal from. I fear it will take years to overcome. I sit and think of all the loss, all my family memebers that have past and all the guys that have left me and did me wrong. I'm working on keeping myself from being swallowed up by the pit of despair. All of this just really sucks and I can't believe it's ended up this way.

[Texinator]

Not to get too Dr. Phil on you but..

I think you first have to learn to love yourself and to be happy by yourself. People often say that their SO 'completes' them but I've always thought of that as being a bunch of bull. You should be a complete person even without having anyone else in your life, and any love interest should be someone that complements your life and not one that is your life. If the desire to be in a relationship for the sake of being with someone is too strong then you run the risk of settling too easily for just about anyone that comes along.