[happy ending]

i think drink leads some people to show their true colours, i also wonder why his kids think its ok to ignore him, do you think they lack respect for him?

[pretzel]

i think drink leads some people to show their true colours, i also wonder why his kids think its ok to ignore him, do you think they lack respect for him?

Absolutely they have no respect for him. My step kids are the same. In actuality there's alot of similarities between mdraven's bf and my wife. Alot of the same issues. Alot of the same complaints.

Call it stress related, call it whatever you want. I'd be a million dollars that he is the same now as he was years ago. It's his personality and that personality has rubbed off onto the kids. His kids are a reflection of the people that raise them. Their values are your values.

Sorry to be so blunt, by mdraven is setting herself up for a life of misery unless things change now. I'm reading through the thread of someone who's settling for something she hopes for, not for what is. She has a whole lot more to lose from this relationship than he does. I know. I was her 6 years ago.

[mdraven380]

i think drink leads some people to show their true colours, i also wonder why his kids think its ok to ignore him, do you think they lack respect for him?

Yes, there seems to be no respect. They are only there half the week with him then his daughter goes with her mother for the weekend but sometimes the mother has to work so the daughter is shipped off to whoevers house for the weekend and actually doesn't get to see her mom. Hi step son(even though my bf and his ex were never married) goes to visit his biological father every other weekend but lives with my bf the rest of the week. So basically the kids are everywhere and have no stability from what I see.

[mdraven380]

Absolutely they have no respect for him. My step kids are the same. In actuality there's alot of similarities between mdraven's bf and my wife. Alot of the same issues. Alot of the same complaints.

Call it stress related, call it whatever you want. I'd be a million dollars that he is the same now as he was years ago. It's his personality and that personality has rubbed off onto the kids. His kids are a reflection of the people that raise them. Their values are your values.

Sorry to be so blunt, by mdraven is setting herself up for a life of misery unless things change now. I'm reading through the thread of someone who's settling for something she hopes for, not for what is. She has a whole lot more to lose from this relationship than he does. I know. I was her 6 years ago.

It seems like all of my relationships are the same no matter who my bf is at the time.
At first I went into this relationship with only wanting companyand not having any expectations. I thought this way I wouldn't be hurt. But now I'm very attached to him and am becoming attached to the children since I have none of my own.
He says he couldn't be without me and that he would never hurt me. I just want to get along with him and for the most part we do.

[mdraven380]

Also Iwonder, do women go through a mid life crisis?
I think I am right now.
I have no children, no husband and no career.
What I do have is my own home which is paid for, my own car, which is also paid for and my kitty cat, sister & her family and my aunt.
I'm just trying to survive. I think I may be the one putting presure on myself becasue my bf tells me he would never want me to change. He says he likes the fact that I take good care of myself and the things that are important to me also. He says he was with his ex for 13 yrs and she was irrisponsible and didn't take care of herself or the kids.

[pretzel]

Also Iwonder, do women go through a mid life crisis?
I think I am right now.
I have no children, no husband and no career.
What I do have is my own home which is paid for, my own car, which is also paid for and my kitty cat, sister & her family and my aunt.
I'm just trying to survive. I think I may be the one putting presure on myself becasue my bf tells me he would never want me to change. He says he likes the fact that I take good care of myself and the things that are important to me also. He says he was with his ex for 13 yrs and she was irrisponsible and didn't take care of herself or the kids.

If I may,

In as much as I don't ascribe to the "mid life" crisis theories that appears to be prevalent, there are things that do change our outlook on life.

In an earlier post you mentioned the living arrangements with the kids and his ex. I have a couple of questions in that regard. First why can't his daughter stay with him if his mom has to work? Or how about rearranging schedules so that she gets her when she's home and the daughter isn't going to someone else's house? Secondly, if the son isn't his biological father, why is he living with your bf and does he have legal custody? Thirdly, you mentioned that Thursday - Saturday he you two go out. Who watches the kids? Finally, he is saying that it was his ex that was irresponsible and didn't take care of the kids. Is he doing that much better?

I know deep down you want this to work and work well given your past, but maybe taking a step back for a minute and think about what things will be like 6 months from now, a year from now, 5 years from now. If you're ok with where the 2 of you will be, then accept the situation as it is and embrace it as what you want. If not, then boundaries need to be established and followed.

[mdraven380]

If I may,

In as much as I don't ascribe to the "mid life" crisis theories that appears to be prevalent, there are things that do change our outlook on life.

In an earlier post you mentioned the living arrangements with the kids and his ex. I have a couple of questions in that regard. First why can't his daughter stay with him if his mom has to work? Or how about rearranging schedules so that she gets her when she's home and the daughter isn't going to someone else's house? Secondly, if the son isn't his biological father, why is he living with your bf and does he have legal custody? Thirdly, you mentioned that Thursday - Saturday he you two go out. Who watches the kids? Finally, he is saying that it was his ex that was irresponsible and didn't take care of the kids. Is he doing that much better?

I know deep down you want this to work and work well given your past, but maybe taking a step back for a minute and think about what things will be like 6 months from now, a year from now, 5 years from now. If you're ok with where the 2 of you will be, then accept the situation as it is and embrace it as what you want. If not, then boundaries need to be established and followed.

My bf does not have coustody of his ex's son. He just told me that after his mother left he chose to stay with my bf instead of his biological father. Not exactly sure why.
My bf told his ex that on "her" day to have their daughter it's her responsibility to find a baby sitter if she has to work.
When we go out his daughter is already over her mom's and his step son is 15 so he just has him stay at a friends everother weekend when he is not at his real dad's house.

I put up boundries with my last bf and it just caused him to leave me so I'm afaid to do that now.

Thanks eveyone for all the feed back

[happy ending]

you seem to be a very loving caring person, i can only hope it all works out for you.

[WildChild]

From all you described your last bf wasn't worth keeping. I'm not sure this one is either. I have problems with this too, always looking for the good in someone and being too tollerant of inappropriate behavior or accepting being treated more poorly than I should.
I'm going to tell you what I've been telling myself.
You are a caring and intelligent woman
You deserve to be treated well, respected and loved
Dependence is Not love
If you want to help the needy or emotionally crippled - go do volunteer work - don't bring them into your life or bed.
His; problems, family, children, finances, work, issues, are not yours, don't adopt any of them.
You can't fix someone else, the most you can do is be a catylist. They have to want to change and they have to do it. You shouldn't make yourself unhappy, deprive yourself of joy and love and laughter in your life, because they have problems.

You haven't known this man all that long, for things to be this far out of line already does not bode well. His mother calling you was strange. She raised him, if she and his father didn't do a good job it isn't your look out to fix it.
I just don't see this as a happy situation or likely to be good for you at all.

[mdraven380]

From all you described your last bf wasn't worth keeping. I'm not sure this one is either. I have problems with this too, always looking for the good in someone and being too tollerant of inappropriate behavior or accepting being treated more poorly than I should.
I'm going to tell you what I've been telling myself.
You are a caring and intelligent woman
You deserve to be treated well, respected and loved
Dependence is Not love
If you want to help the needy or emotionally crippled - go do volunteer work - don't bring them into your life or bed.
His; problems, family, children, finances, work, issues, are not yours, don't adopt any of them.
You can't fix someone else, the most you can do is be a catylist. They have to want to change and they have to do it. You shouldn't make yourself unhappy, deprive yourself of joy and love and laughter in your life, because they have problems.

You haven't known this man all that long, for things to be this far out of line already does not bode well. His mother calling you was strange. She raised him, if she and his father didn't do a good job it isn't your look out to fix it.
I just don't see this as a happy situation or likely to be good for you at all.

Thanks WC,
I agree with what you've written but I think I will still keep trying to see how things go.
I'm not sad all the time. I guess we all have our moments. He told his mom to stop pestering me and she hasn't called me in weeks.
I'm starting to get close with his daughter.
I'm hoping this one will trun out different than the rest.