I'm not passive, but every relationship I've ever had has ended up being with a passive man. Why? I dunno. It's not something I find attractive. Granted, they didn't display themselves as passive in the early parts of dating, but eventually the passive traits emerged.
When I identify someone as more on the passive side, I look for things like chronically forgetting things (as it's not actually forgetting but exerting a form of control by saying "I don't remember"....HIGHLY frustrating!)
resentment -it won't be resentment towards me per say because if they expressed resentment towards me, that would mean confrontation which the passive person DOES NOT want or deal well with. But resentment towards others, him: "He should have done this but he didn't", me: "Did you ask him about him?" him: "no", me: "then you're not being fair to him. You're expecting him to read your mind, to know what you want, and when he fails, you harbor resentment that he knows nothing about".
Victimization - him: "I went over there to see her and she just watched tv the whole time" me: "maybe something was on she was really enjoying. Did you try to talk to her?" him: "well no I figured if she wanted to talk to me she would and she obviously didn't."
Cryptic speaking/Ambiguity - This is where he doesn't say what he really means and the receiver has to try to "figure it out". Example: He gets his feelings hurt because you didn't invite him to a particular occasion (even though you knew he already had other plans), yet doesn't mention being upset until 5 days later when you have no reason to believe anything is wrong. On the next occasion he invites you somewhere and you politely decline as you have other plans. Him: "ok that's fine". Me: "Okay, does ok that's fine mean, "It's not really fine and I'm going to bring this up at a later date", or "it's really truly fine if you don't go this time" ??? Another side of this ambiguity is that no matter how blunt you are, no matter how black and white you spell something out for him, he will also try to decode your message assuming yours is as cryptic as his. He will then misunderstand and decode something that didn't need decoded, then say, him: "well why didn't you just say that?" me: "That's exactly what I said" him: "well I thought you meant _______________________" me: "the words that come out of my mouth are words I mean, there is no hidden message in my communication."
Because of my own personality style, as you can see from the above, I feel like I have to respond to what is said and open their eyes to a new "less passive" approach. But I find it to be exhausting. It also inhibits trust on my part, because I know that if the man is that passive in other areas of his life, then he's being equally if not more passive in our relationship...therefore, I never seem to know if what I'm hearing is an accurate portrayal of how he feels, is he really okay with something or just saying what he thinks I want to hear? In a relationship with a passive partner, a healthy argument (or debate) is virtually non existent......because they will often say they agree even when they don't. If you get angry, they will apologize, yet not think they're wrong 99% of the time they're apologizing. If you want to make plans as a couple, you will be totally responsible for those plans because the passive partner will not make plans because he's not confident in his ability to make "good plans".
So, I've read a lot of articles on how to deal with this personality style, since it seems to be either A. the majority of what's out there, or B. what I seem to attract. Most of the articles say basically what I've always done which is to try to avoid power struggles and open up certain situations for discussion to let them see another perspective. But seriously, it's pretty tiring in a relationship.
I'm interested to hear your viewpoints, experiences both with the passive partner, and AS the passive partner.
When I identify someone as more on the passive side, I look for things like chronically forgetting things (as it's not actually forgetting but exerting a form of control by saying "I don't remember"....HIGHLY frustrating!)
resentment -it won't be resentment towards me per say because if they expressed resentment towards me, that would mean confrontation which the passive person DOES NOT want or deal well with. But resentment towards others, him: "He should have done this but he didn't", me: "Did you ask him about him?" him: "no", me: "then you're not being fair to him. You're expecting him to read your mind, to know what you want, and when he fails, you harbor resentment that he knows nothing about".
Victimization - him: "I went over there to see her and she just watched tv the whole time" me: "maybe something was on she was really enjoying. Did you try to talk to her?" him: "well no I figured if she wanted to talk to me she would and she obviously didn't."
Cryptic speaking/Ambiguity - This is where he doesn't say what he really means and the receiver has to try to "figure it out". Example: He gets his feelings hurt because you didn't invite him to a particular occasion (even though you knew he already had other plans), yet doesn't mention being upset until 5 days later when you have no reason to believe anything is wrong. On the next occasion he invites you somewhere and you politely decline as you have other plans. Him: "ok that's fine". Me: "Okay, does ok that's fine mean, "It's not really fine and I'm going to bring this up at a later date", or "it's really truly fine if you don't go this time" ??? Another side of this ambiguity is that no matter how blunt you are, no matter how black and white you spell something out for him, he will also try to decode your message assuming yours is as cryptic as his. He will then misunderstand and decode something that didn't need decoded, then say, him: "well why didn't you just say that?" me: "That's exactly what I said" him: "well I thought you meant _______________________" me: "the words that come out of my mouth are words I mean, there is no hidden message in my communication."
Because of my own personality style, as you can see from the above, I feel like I have to respond to what is said and open their eyes to a new "less passive" approach. But I find it to be exhausting. It also inhibits trust on my part, because I know that if the man is that passive in other areas of his life, then he's being equally if not more passive in our relationship...therefore, I never seem to know if what I'm hearing is an accurate portrayal of how he feels, is he really okay with something or just saying what he thinks I want to hear? In a relationship with a passive partner, a healthy argument (or debate) is virtually non existent......because they will often say they agree even when they don't. If you get angry, they will apologize, yet not think they're wrong 99% of the time they're apologizing. If you want to make plans as a couple, you will be totally responsible for those plans because the passive partner will not make plans because he's not confident in his ability to make "good plans".
So, I've read a lot of articles on how to deal with this personality style, since it seems to be either A. the majority of what's out there, or B. what I seem to attract. Most of the articles say basically what I've always done which is to try to avoid power struggles and open up certain situations for discussion to let them see another perspective. But seriously, it's pretty tiring in a relationship.
I'm interested to hear your viewpoints, experiences both with the passive partner, and AS the passive partner.
I can't stand when people dont' even *try* and then they just want to go on and on and on about it... suck it up, do it, or quit complaining... 
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