[Hopeless Dork]

I think people can learn to be less passive but it takes work. I used to be much moreso, but thanks to a lot of failed relationships and law school I've learned to speak my mind I can't stand when people dont' even *try* and then they just want to go on and on and on about it... suck it up, do it, or quit complaining...

Although I do not do well with people who are quite as strong willed as I am so I do require some level of even balance with the passiveness since I am such a strong personality... Anyway, the whole point is that I understand your frustration, and I think he can change, but yes, it is exhausting trying to change someone like that... I've done it to that extreme once and I don't think he got it till after we broke up, and still not entirely...

I feel your pain

Its a definate balance, a give and take. Thats what relationships should be, I think. When one is feeling weak , the other gathers up the strength enough for the both of them. And also being willing to surrender power and give it to your partner, with trust that they will not abuse it. I think being crazy passive and door mat is not attractive but neither is the polar opposite of that.

I think we are all a bit more complicated than dominant or passive. Most fall somwhere in between and can learn to shift back and forth so that both partners get to drive and both get to sometimes lay the seat back and be a passenger. But most times its optimal if you are equals. Co-piloting the relationship

[LanaBear]

And 2 dominant people would bump heads constantly.

lol - oh this cracks me up...

My husband is very alpha male, dominant, hard headed (extremely so, it runs in their family), but probably slightly introverted. He's not shy, necessarily, but isn't loud and obnoxious like me. I'm not passive in the least, I'm hard headed, I like things to go my way and I have to be in charge of all plans. lol There are things that I'd rather him take the lead on and vice versa. Not necessarily submitting to each other, but we both know what each others strengths. But trust me, when we argue, Lord have mercy, it is a train wreck.

[Texinator]

2 passive people wouldn't get much if anything done.

Him: What do you wanna do this evening?
Her: I dunno, what do you wanna do?
Him: Whatever, it's up to you.
Her: No, you make the decision.
Him: I don't know. How about your surprise me?
Her: I can't think of anything. Why don't you surprise me?
Him: I can't think of anything either. Whatever you want.
Her: Don't look at me. Whatever you want.

And so on.

[Ashlee T.]

HD - well, it's not just about current guy. I guess it's me questioning myself as to why these are the relationships I end up in? There's certainly some really good things to the current relationship, as with the previous ones. With Mr. Current, I have really had to step back like you said. I have even told him, "Even if you plan something I wouldn't normally plan, I will LOVE IT just because YOU did it, you took initiative and planned it yourself without consulting me for every step". So...I try where that's concerned. It's just that sometimes it's easier for me to just do things myself...and yeah, he expects that. Perfect example is his dog got sick last week. He was off work that day, text me at work telling me how sick his dog was. I text back and forth with him a few times and nothing I was saying was doing any good, so instead of what I SHOULD have done ( I felt like he should have known to do that to begin with) which is said "call your vet", I stopped what I was doing at work, and called my vet to ask what he should feed him, etc. So then I text him and tell him what the vet said "withhold food for no more than 12 hours, then feed him plain white rice". He writes back and says "do I cook it first?". Lol. What am I, YOUR MOTHER!?!? haha.

I could do better, I know there are times when I need to just sit back...but in the past (with other relationships and this one), when I sit back, nothing gets done.

Tex - LOL. That sounds like PURE H E DOUBLE L!!!

[rcoreyus]

People are sometimes passive to avoid confrontation. There can be various causes. Sometimes (I have no idea if this is the case here) it is because their partners don't react well to direct confrontation.

For example if a direct expression of unhappiness with something results in a crying fit from the SO, or days of resentment, they will likely become passive.

If you don't react badly to disagreements - keep them on a civil, non-emotional level, then maybe he has a big problem with insecurity.

I'm very passive at home because my wife reacts very badly to conflict. She takes disagreements personally and gets upset - makes it seem that if I disagree then I am hurting her. In addition when decisions are made, if I make a decision and it goes badly, I never hear the end of it. If she makes a bad decision I'll just put it down to an honest mistake and get on with things.

So - think back. When he has made decisions and they have gone wrong - how have you behaved. When you have made decisions that have gone wrong how has he behaved?

Please understand that of course I have never seen you interact with each other. I maybe way way off base here. Absolutely no offense intended.

[pretzel]

Him: What do you wanna do this evening?
Her: I dunno, what do you wanna do?
Him: Whatever, it's up to you.
Her: No, you make the decision.
Him: I don't know. How about your surprise me?
Her: I can't think of anything. Why don't you surprise me?
Him: I can't think of anything either. Whatever you want.
Her: Don't look at me. Whatever you want.

And so on.

That's our daily conversation.

[Texinator]

I'm both active and passive. It really depends on things like the given situation, my mood, and so forth. Sometimes I'm passive to avoid confrontation, like when it is to do with something another person really cares about but it doesn't really matter to me either way, and sometimes I'll fight tooth and nail. Sometimes I want to make decisions or voice my opinion, and sometimes I'm more in an introverted mode.

I've heard 'like attracts like' and I've heard 'opposites attract.' I guess any combination of two types of people has its advantages and its drawbacks, and I think what matters most is how the people involved feel about it. For example, two dominant personalities might clash all the time but still be happier than if one of them were passive, while others might prefer it if one is dominant and one passive.

[Ashlee T.]

Please understand that of course I have never seen you interact with each other. I maybe way way off base here. Absolutely no offense intended.

No offense taken. I am all about self reflection and self improvement. I can safely say I'm not one to jump down ones throat if they disagree (hard to say with him specifically since he never voices any disagreement). And one of the best lessons I've learned in life is to not take things personally...or at least to try my hardest not to. However, I will "plead my case" if someone expresses something to me that they have perceived inaccurately. Example: My family lives an hour away, I don't get to see them often. His family lives 10 minutes away, we see his family often. Thus far, we have in some way celebrated every holiday together, either just he and I, with his family, or with mine. Easter came about, and his mom told us she was going to have dinner at her house at 2 that day and that 2 of his sisters were going to be in town. He was scheduled to work, but when she told him that his sisters were going to be in town, he said "well I may try to take off work". I told her I'd be going to my grandparents that day because they were having dinner at 2 as well. A couple days later, he text and said "I took off work Sunday". Because of the conversation he had with his mom, I assumed he took off so he could be there at his family's that day to visit with his sisters. I thought nothing more of it. I went to my grandparents that day, spent about 2 hours on the road and 2-3 hours visiting with family. He went to his parents dinner. I had a great day. Several days later, he brings up that it hurt his feelings that I didn't invite him to my grandparents on Sunday. He said he felt we should have at least discussed it. Well...to me, I didn't think there was anything to discuss, and if he had wanted to discuss it, he should have brought it up. Why was it my place to discuss it, while he silently sits back with hurt feelings and resentment? So I told him just that and I told him he should have given me the benefit of the doubt instead of just making it sound like he was rudely uninvited. So yes, in that instance, I spoke up for myself, but not in a mean or hurtful way. I am one to apologize, but not if I truly don't think I did wrong.

When I was younger, I had quite a temper. I didn't react well to certain confrontations, (sort of like you describe your wife), and confronting me about anything resulted in punishment for my partner. Fortunately, through lots of alone time and self relfection I have been able to work past that temper and maintain control of it. Not taking things personally definitely helps.

So honestly, I can't think of any instance where he's disagreed and I've lost my cool (cause like I said, he doesn't really ever disagree). I honestly think its just the way he is. I dunno. And like I said he's not the only person I've dated that's been like this...he just seems to be more passive/submissive than my past relationships. Like HD said, most people fall somewhere in between the two. I'm not agressive, but I'm definitely more on the dominant end of things. Sort of like KY girl, probably 70-80% dominant, 20-30% passive. He, however, exhibits more characteristics of someone on the very far end of the passive side of things.

But....passive in general, I find very hard to deal with.

[Hopeless Dork]

Usually, like ky mentioned when someone falls reallyyyyy far onto one end of the spectrum they end up with somone on the far end of the opposite spectrum... maybe it doesn't start out that way but because wont side won't give an inch toward the middle that the other is forced to become that way in order to make the relationship work.

Since you are saying about 20 percent of time you are passive... him being passive 100 percent of the time is pushing you out of your comfort zone and forcing you to kind of be 100 percent dominant because he wont pick up the slack when you want to take a back seat.

Maybe thats how that opposite spectrum thing works in some relationships. Like if some guy is dominant ALL the time and won't EVER give up control... it kind of forces the girl into being passive or having conflict... so even if they don't pick a passive person, they very well my end up having one.

It sounds like you bd are pretty middle of the road with a lean towards being assertive and he seems very very off the middle and all the way on the passive end almost completely, thereby sucking you off the middle and into being much more dominant than you are happy about being.

I'm a passive person. If someone takes cuts in front of me in line, I say nothing. I wouldn't do a thing to hurt a person on purpose and never consider my own needs over anyone else in my life. If me and my dog were starving, my dog would eat first. Its just the way I am. All my life I've let the man I'm with take the lead on everything we do and what do you know.. they've all been dominant men.

In my relationship with my boyfriend he's a lot more middle of the road which has allowed me express an assertive side of me I didn't even know I had. I think our relationship is probably 70/30 as far as dominanance and passiveness with him being more domanant 70% of the time and me being more assertive about 30%

Its a harmony. I don't want to be in control, I like him making decisions for us as far as plans go, but it makes me feel good that he always makes my input matter too... but I like to be treated like an equal and when I am in the mood to be assertive that its received well and it is. So its a very happy situation.

[Texinator]

BD, this might not address the passive aggressive aspect of it, but a quick thought anyway..

Some people are turned on by having a dominant partner. You say he way confident and outspoken at the beginning. Maybe he is turned on by your dominance side and has therefore taken a passive stance to allow your side more room?

Then again, it could also be fear. If he doesn't voice opinions, he can't offend you with them. If he doesn't make decisions, he doesn't have to take responsibility for the bad ones. Some might even argue that the latter is just plain laziness.