[Mes T]

I am so incredibly against snooping it's not even funny, and I know the destruction it can bring. I did it with an ex before and thought I had learned from the experience, but yesterday I DID IT AGAIN because I couldn't shake some feeling that something was up.

Well turns out he lied about his contact with his ex - he said they rarely speak, even giving me a day that they last spoke which was months ago during a family tragedy, which is fine. But they've been chatting a few times a week. An ex that he's been with for 5 years, broken up for 2.

WHY is he doing this. And WHY did he keep it from me.

My friend is advising me against coming out and saying that I snooped, because that might lead me down a very dangerous path. Her suggestion was to chalk it up to some female intuition and ask him again if he's been in contact with his ex.

I think I can pull that off. But what the heck do I do if he lies again???

I'm pretty much making myself ill here. He hasn't given me any reason to not trust him, and if I hadn't snooped, that would have remained the same. But now I have, and I have to deal with it somehow.

Sigh. Thanks for any advice.

[rcoreyus]

He is keeping it from you because he thought it would upset you. There are a lot of people who remain on good terms with their exes - it can depend on the cause of a split. I think it is possible to fall out of love with someone, but still like them as a friend. If both are OK with the new situation I don't see any problem with it.

I kept in contact with an old girlfriend (this was 25 years ago). We had been friends, became a couple, decided that it didn't work out, but remained friends. Over the years since then we gradually drifted apart - haven't contacted her in 10 years.

Was there anything in their conversation to indicate that there was something illicit going on, or were they just chatting?

He might be VERY offended that you snooped (I would be).

My advice: Don't mention it. Don't hold it against him (assuming it was innocent chatting). Don't do it again. Consider that you owe him forgiveness for a one time major screwup in the future.

I think what you did was wrong - that's OK, everyone dose things they shouldn't on occasion.

[PandaPaws]

Chances are he will just lie again about it if you don't come clean. He's already been lying about it, thinks you have no reason to question it, so why not continue lying? I did the same thing, snooped, and found much worse things about my bf. I tried it your way first, not admitting to snooping, and just asking him about things. And he lied. Lied and lied and lied. About everything I asked him. It let it sit for a week, destroying myself inside, before I had to come clean because I couldn't take it anymore, and then he was "caught," so obviously he had to admit to it. It has not been a fun 4 months for us, trying to get past his horrible behavior... Yours doesn't sound SO bad, but it's definitely bad that he is LYING about it. I mean, if there were nothing to hide, why would he lie?

Sorry. Good luck.

[PandaPaws]

He is keeping it from you because he thought it would upset you. There are a lot of people who remain on good terms with their exes - it can depend on the cause of a split. I think it is possible to fall out of love with someone, but still like them as a friend. If both are OK with the new situation I don't see any problem with it.

I kept in contact with an old girlfriend (this was 25 years ago). We had been friends, became a couple, decided that it didn't work out, but remained friends. Over the years since then we gradually drifted apart - haven't contacted her in 10 years.

Was there anything in their conversation to indicate that there was something illicit going on, or were they just chatting?

He might be VERY offended that you snooped (I would be).

My advice: Don't mention it. Don't hold it against him (assuming it was innocent chatting). Don't do it again. Consider that you owe him forgiveness for a one time major screwup in the future.

I think what you did was wrong - that's OK, everyone dose things they shouldn't on occasion.

But chatting with an ex a few times a week? While saying it was months ago? I just don't think either of those things are appropriate. It's one thing to be on friendly, platonic, terms with an ex - it's another to talk a few times a week. That's just too close IMO, especially when the current partner is being kept in the dark about it. It would be another thing if they ALL became friends, awkward as it may be, at least he would be being open and honest about it, no secret friendships.

[Mes T]

I want to hide this from him. I want to SO badly. But it's not in my nature - I have NO secrets from him, NADDA! And that's a first for me... and I'm so proud of myself for being so open about everything. And this... spilling the beans to him about snooping... we've never had a conversation about what either of us would do in a situation if one of us snooped, but I'm sure you're right R, that he wouldn't take this well at all.

There was nothing in the messages to indicate anything improper, except for a) no mention of me at ALL, though I know she knows about me... She mentioned me herself a couple of times, but he didn't say ANYTHING. b) And... they definitely talk like they know each other well. Lots of "xxxxxxx" at the end of messages, sending good thoughts, that sort of thing.

Gosh I am so torn.

[PandaPaws]

Sounds similar to some of the emails I saw - NO mention of me. Oh, but my guy's were so, so, so incredibly inappropriate... I still don't know what I'm doing with my life. And of course he didn't take it well when I snooped, but there really was no comparison of what I did, to what he had been doing.

I don't know, I feel like I'm like you in that I cannot keep a secret... it will eventually come out. If something is bothering me, I am terrible at hiding it, it is written all over my face and I can only say "nothing's wrong" for so long.

"xxxxx" at the end of a message? Kisses. Not appropriate for "just friends." And the fact that she brought you up, and he didn't acknowledge it? I think that's a big question to bring up too.

If you feel comfortable with this continuing, then don't bring it up. If you don't want it to continue though, I don't see how you can't come clean. Take some time to think about what you can or can't handle.

[Mes T]

I definitely can't handle it. Now I think it's a question of phrasing it well. I want to say something like, "Look I have no secrets from you, and I did something I shouldn't have, but I'm telling you right away because I'm hiding nothing from you and am not about to start. Basically I snooped. I wish I hadn't, but I did during a moment of weakness. And found that you lied to me about talking to your ex." .... Something like that. Gosh it's hard to come up with something when you're kind of upset, eh.

[PandaPaws]

I think that sounds good. You're being honest. It will all come out from there - he will give you an excuse for sure as to why he lied to you, and then you have to figure out if and what you can believe. Figure out all the questions you have though so you can bring them up all at once, and not have to ask him the next day, and the next, because you thought of something else. That happened with us, and it just makes it harder. Although I feel like I've needed constant reassurance that I can trust him, so, inevitably it has gotten brought up quite a bit.

It will be a tough conversation for sure, coming clean, and talking about his lies... and then what does that mean for your relationship? What else is he lying about? Hugs to you.

[PandaPaws]

It's so frustrating. Why can't guys understand that a monogamous relationship means having relations with ONE person? (in person, online, over the phone, etc.) One. Not a main gf and some flirty things on the side. One. Ugh. Sorry, just got a little PO'd for a moment...

[Mes T]

Thanks for your support guys. And thanks for understanding - it's a little sad that so many of us have had quite similar experiences.

Well I'm sending him a long email right now... Whatever comes of this, will come. I'm of course hoping for the best but we'll see. Will update.