[pretzel]

Like stressed said, this did suprise me a bit coming from you, but that just shows that no matter what, we're still human and we all have our faults that we have to deal with.

Obviously two issues which are now snowballing like mad.

First issue is the snooping. Without some reason (overtly or not) then I guess I'd be a bit upset about it. And I'm sure you'd feel worse if there was nothing found that bothered you. But that didn't happen which ultimately led to the second issue.

The lying about the ex wouldn't be that big a deal if they parted as friends, at least to me it wouldn't. Not sure if that's the case or not. The fact that he lied about the frequency and timing of the conversations probably wouldn't sit well with me either.

Somewhere along the way, you two need to stop the snowball from crashing through the house. I think you know whether or not he's being honest going forward which if you don't accept that then I think you'll have to deal with the consequences.

Guess there's really no easy answer or something to make this any easier.

[Hopeless Dork]

Your spider senses were tingling. You knew something was amiss. All humans have animal instinct that we ignore and rationalize away. Female intuition is a powerful force. You get that feeling in your gut and you know something is off. Most people are not going to be mad at their partner over a gut feeling, so they ask... and if their partner is lying to them and they can feel it... but have no proof of it -- its really hard (not to mention looks crazy) to just say "hmm I know something is off, no matter WHAT you say".

So what happens? Sometimes people snoop. And 9 times out of 10 they find what they were snooping for. No... not because snooping is the root of all evil, but because generally when you can feel something is off , its off.

For some posters here a man can have 5 different babies by five different women, living a total lie, his wife can feel something is wrong but can't put her finger to it and check his phone and discover his lies and SHE is the bad guy, not him for hiding his secret lives... but her for wanting to find out.

I don't advocate snooping, I feel if you can't trust your partner and your instincts are telling you not to, you can go to them and try to get some comfort and if you find none in the words they give, if they are secretive and defensive... you might need to wrap it up on the relationship, really.

I've peeked at my boyfriends internet browser history, we share a computer but thats as far as I went. I figured if there was something he really wanted to hide he'd have cleared history anyway. I don't think one has a high expectation of privacy of internet history on a shared computer. But I'd never snoop at anything else. I've never dug through his belongings or gone digging through his phone, and he's often left his email logged in and I've never snooped in it. I just wouldn't want him to do that to me, so I don't do it.

But he's also given me no reason to feel he's up to anything shady. He's open with me, he leaves his phone out in the open, like I said keeps his email logged in , he doesn't hide in a corner when he gets a call -- the fact that he doesn't act like someone that is hiding something makes me confident that he isnt.

Mes T i think your boyfriend didn't tell you the truth because he didn't want to deal with the ramifications that would come if you didn't like him talking to them. Either he didn't want to stop their talks if thats what he'd thought you'd want, or just didn't want to cause a stir.

He decided, like you were a child, what info is best to keep from you to protect you, in your best interest, blah blah blah. Nah, he just didn't see anything wrong with the communication and didn't want to rock the boat.

If he had told you he was communicating so frequently with them, would it have upset you? Would you have asked him to tone it down? Or are you more upset with the lying?

I don't know, I think you kind of have to be fair and ask yourself if there is anything you've ommitted telling your partner because you knew it had no impact on how you felt about him or your relationship. And if you have, it might be fair to extend him the same courtesy of forgiving him that you'd want for yourself if you were caught in a white lie.

No, you should not have snooped, no he should not have lied. Chicken or the egg at this point on whos in the wrong...

[snuffie]

As the others have said your gut feeling, spider senses or female intutition (whatever you call it) was telling you something wasn't quite right and you snooped. Like you I've done it and found things I (really really really) didn't like, but I'm glad now with hindsight that I did, things can aired, discussed, decisions made. The reasons he lied about contact...there could be many, maybe he felt that the level of contact was appropriate as there were no feelings involved?? completely plantonic, but you would be upset?? Not that that is an excuse considerations have to be made on both parts.....

I hope you can talk things through, find answers and a level thats right for both of you

[rcoreyus]

I think pretzel has a good point - you don't want this to escalate. You snooped - bad but very common. He was talking with an ex without telling you - bad, but not terrible - doesn't sound like anything was going on. If you both aren't careful this could turn into a huge fight where each of you thinks you are in the right.

I'd suggest you sit down with him and just agree. You shouldn't have snooped. He shouldn't have been hiding his contact with his ex - if nothing was going on he should have anything to hid. You shouldn't object to casual contact with his ex as long as it isn't kept secret. Everybody happy.

[Ashlee T.]

Womans intuition. It's easy for us to judge "snooping is wrong. bad bad bad"....until your own intuition is pulling at you, telling you something isn't right. It's like an overpowering force that you might ignore once, maybe even twice, but eventually you'll do what you're intuition is telling you to do. Him talking to his ex behind your back has ZERO to do with you "snooping" and you have to remember that. Is there anything wrong with talking to an ex? Nah. Not if you're honest about it. But when you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing.......right?

He doesn't mention you. This hurts you to your core. Because had he told her about how incredible his girlfriend is and how beautiful she is (which she is....by the way ) then you'd still be concerned about him hiding it, but would feel beter about it I'm sure. But he didn't mention you....so he's keeping his relationship with you totally seperate from his relationship with her. She mentioned you, to get some sort of feedback from him....to judge his feelings for you, to see how invested he is in you..... and he didn't respond at all. That very likely answered her questions.

Emailing several times a week, not being open with your girlfriend about it, not mentioning your girlfriend in the emails, re-offending after you know this came up in the past and caused you relationship probs = inappropriate, dishonest......and just plain not ok.

Stand your ground. It's not ok. And yes......I've been through this too. What I saw in the emails only touched the surface of what I later found out. Remember, and remember again.....HE WHO HAS NOTHING TO HIDE, HIDES NOTHING.

Hope you're okay sweetie. Let us know how it went.

[rcoreyus]

The innocent have nothing to fear, but how many people are truly innocent?

Panopticon

[Mes T]

Ugh.

Yesterday I spent most of the day writhing in bed mortified at my snooping, but today... Today I can't help but boil with anger.

It's not about the fact that he's emailing an ex, and it's not about the content of the emails. It's that he LIED, for SO LONG, thus giving so much more weight and importance to something he yesterday said were "innocent conversations" with an "old friend." About that latter bit, he told me specifically some time ago that he didn't believe in being friends with exs, so now what, he's changed his mind?

I would have thought better of him - that if he thought that what he was doing would hurt me on some level, that he would just plain NOT DO IT. Called making a sacrifice for the one you love.

If he had told me about this at a reasonable time, and of his own free will, I know exactly what would have happened. I would have thought about it for a day and then come back to him with some questions, he would have calmly answered them all with a smile on his face and a hug and kiss ready for me, and I would have changed my POV to his 100%. That's what has ALWAYS happened whenever we've had a tiff about something related to a girl. ALWAYS, without fail.

Just.... UUUUUUUGGGHHH.

[Ashlee T.]

The innocent have nothing to fear, but how many people are truly innocent?

No one is perfect. But I do think that when someone is purposefully hiding something, it's typically because they KNOW it's wrong. And doing something when you know fully that it's wrong, is different than doing something and later finding out it wasn't the best choice.

If all is innocent, one doesn't even think to hide it. Hiding it just means you knew it was wrong, but you've decided it's worth it.

Mes - The last guy I dated, I never, not even once felt the need to snoop on him. Not even once did it cross my mind to pick up and thumb through his phone, or check his email, etc. It didn't, because he was honest, and because my heart and my intuition knew he was honest. Still to this day, I believe him to be an honest person. However, the guy I was with before him was a different story. He was dreamy...everything I could ever imagine I'd want. But suddenly my intuition screamed out to me. I tried to ignore it....but eventually one day when he was gone it got the best of me. When I found the numerous emails between he and his ex (an ex he told me he never even dated), I knew exactly why my intuition was leading me there. He never mentioned me in his emails either.....was as if I didn't even exist. But seemed so confusing to me....cause I'd look at the dates on the emails and think "oh yeah....that was the night we sat out lookin at the stars and then he ran me a romantic bubblebath..." and I wondered how things could seem SO great and he could be then sneaking to email her while I was in the bath he ran for me. I sat for hours, staring at his computer screen...reading them over and over and over. Absolutely fooled, heartbroken, betrayed.............but very thankful that I had followed my intuition because I was in head over heels with someone that was being very dishonest with me.

Some might say if you want to find something you will. But I don't buy that. I think when you're unhappy with your relationship and you're looking for something to nitpick over, that's one thing. Yes, if you look hard enough you'll find something to nitpick over. But when you look because something inside you tells you to, and you find pure dishonesty...that's a different story. People get hung up on the "Well he didn't actually cheat" thing. But to me, dishonesty is dishonesty. And the dishonesty that HE has brought into your relationship is something that will put a damper on your trust of him.....and rightfully so.

He says "innocent" communcation. Well...you read the emails....you know him. Do you think its innocent??

[rcoreyus]

The situation gets tricky when people have different ideas of what is OK. If you are doing something that you feel is reasonable, but your spouse does not - say taking (innocently) with an ex. Your choices are limited. You can give in to their (in your opinion) unreasonable restrictions, you can have a constant fight that leaves them always upset, or you can hide what you are doing.

I ran into this situation in my group of friends. "john" and "jane" were in a relationship, then broke up. John wanted to stay in touch with the group of friends that included Jane, but his new girlfriend "sally" didn't want him to have any contact with Jane. (This is a long standing group of friends going back a decade or more). What should John do?

[Ashlee T.]

What should John do?

I think if Jane sets unfair expectations on John when he's been very honest with her, then she's wrong, and John should seriously rethink his relationship with the insecure jealous Jane. But I think if John is open with Jane from the beginning about his ex "Anita Peter" and their mutual friends, includes Jane in on the relationship and makes her feel reassured and comfortable with the situation then Jane will be fine with it. For most women, its the dishonesty that gets to us. If John was dishonest about his communication with Anita from the beginning, then Jane is going to always feel some insecurity about it. Especially if he does it, then says he won't do it anymore....then gets caught doing it again. Jane would think "why is this Anita so important that he's willing to lie to me just to email with her?". Now Jane is insecure....and John will then accuse her of being jealous/insecure when really, his dishonesty is what caused it.

My ex told me their conversations were innocent too. "She is TOTALLY insignificant to me. I love you and only you". Guess who moved back in with him less than 2 weeks after we broke up?