[sourpuss]

I guess it would depend on why they slip up and how he feels about her.

[Mes T]

Aw BD. :-/ That must have been a blow, thank goodness you got out and moved on.

Man I just don't get why he would be THAT afraid of telling me. Yes I've got my own insecurities but jeeeeez I have never been unreasonable, I've always agreed with HIM after a measly 10 minutes of conversation about something that might have been bothering me.

I didn't deserve this lie and I cannot wait to talk to him today about it... The longer I wait the worse this whole thing gets in my head, which is also a dangerous thing.

[sourpuss]

Don't get in your head! I do that and it's sooo bad. It's totally destructive and you end up completely irrational.

[Hopeless Dork]

My gut instinct is that he is going to focus more on your lack of trusting (the snooping) than the fact he was in no way deserving of your trust in the first place (the lying).

Its rediculous when someone gets caught doing something that proves them untrustworthy and their only reaction is anger over why you didn't trust them. So hopefully he spends more time addressing the real issue, him lying about communicating with his, his relationship with his ex, why he feels the need to talk to her so much etc.

He should be comforting you, he should be explaining why he lied and trying to give you a reason to believe his words going forward. In my mind I'd be wondering... what else? What else do I ask you about and you give me the answer you think I want to hear instead of the truth? Thats the one that would be hard to get past.

He might not be able to trust you with his email anymore, but you're the one that might not be able to trust him with anything he says anymore... so hopefully he realizes the bigger picture and focus' on how you two can move forward into a more honest space.

[Mes T]

Double post, stupid internet.

[Mes T]

Alright. Update!

Just had a long phone convo. Surprisingly I've been completely forgiven for the snooping thing. He said in the grand scheme of things, it didn't matter.

He seemed very genuinely upset with himself. Basically his reply to everything was that he had expected the messages to naturally taper off, like they've done with an ex-ex girlfriend, and that he didn't tell me because he didn't want to upset me, blah blah blah. I told him I understood his side of things but made sure he understood what the situation looks like from MY side.

I think things are pretty much resolved. He's in NZ right now and spends his days essentially preparing for my arrival, so I do believe that he loves me and would never do anything to compromise our relationship.

I HAVE to believe that now that I've told him just how much the act of lying has hurt me, that he will never repeat the same kind of mistake. I basically said that I will NOT stand to be lied to a second time.

He said he'll send one last message to his ex telling her about this, that he did wrong by lying about it to me, and that the messages should stop. I'm... not sure how to feel about that. I definitely did not suggest for him to do this, because I've said from the beginning that it wasn't about the EX, it was about the LIE.

But anyway, um... I'm not one to repair my trust in people easily (with a particular ex it NEVER happened after it was broken the first time), but with this particular man... I think I can do it. There's just way more good in the relationship than bad.

[stressed]

Advice: Agree to have him send this message to her and end the contact. It's for the best of everyone involved. You don't want ex'es involved, trust me.

p.s. You should also read this message when he sends it.

[Mes T]

I asked for a BCC, heh.

I dunno, I think I would have been okay regardless of the message or not... But you're right this way it's so much cleaner ya know...

[Hopeless Dork]

Mes T, I am so glad you guys reached a resolution and that he was able to see what mattered in all this. I think you've learned you don't want to be the girl that snoops and I think he learned he doesn't want to be the guy with a secret that could end up really compromising your trust in him.

Imagine you met her with him at a social setting and she was to reveal casually information only someone in contact with him would know.... you'd be even more sinking in your gut because you would have worries of what they were talking about if it was reconsiliation convo etc (which it turned out not to be anyway).

So maybe all of this was a blessing in disguise. No relationship is perfect because people are imperfect. Finding someone who can live with your flaws and you can live with theirs, who doesn't want to change you as a person and whom you don't want to change but also whose transgressions are forgivable who is able to also forgive yours its whats key to happiness.


Unless we date ourselves (no fun, really... I did it for years) theres always going to be something that tests your trust, your patience, your love... essentially. But like you said there is way more good to your relationship than anything bad. He wasn't being malicious, he was not intentionally doing something to hurt you... even if it ended up stinging you a bit.

I'm sure he thought nothing wrong with talking to her, as in... wasn't interested in her in *that* way, which was probably why he was able to keep in contact without so much guilt over it.

Typically people wont change a behavior that hurts someone else if they can't understand why it hurts them... the fact he is willing to be more honest with you going forward on their communciation and has realized it might be best to just cut it out all together speaks volumes of his respect for you and his ability to put himself in your shoes.

[Ashlee T.]

Glad to hear you all talked about it and you feel better. I hope he means it, and I hope he understands that it wasn't HER that bothered you, it was the dishonesty. It was "why do you feel the need to even do this....much less lie to me about it?". I hope he gets that.

I hope you two can get past this and he will learn from this and stay away from the dishonesty. BEST of luck to you sweetie!!