[sourpuss]

I think that all went pretty well. You got it off your chest, he realized how it looked, you found out the truth behind it. Sounds to me like he really is telling the truth.
If it were me, I'd tell him not to worry about sending her a message, that just seems a tad controlling even though you didn't suggest it. My friend's husband made her do that with an ex of hers and she was really upset about it and I remember at the time how awful I thought it was because there was nothing there but facebook friends and an email once in a while. It just came across as really insecure and controlling. Besides, it would make you seem more confident and mature about the whole situation. I know that I'm far less likely to do something that would hurt someone's feelings if I know they trust me 100%.

If someone doesn't trust me and I always feel like they are assuming I'm doing something wrong, then I think 'what's the point, they think I'm doing it anyway'.

But I think you handled it the right way and so did he so at this point, I'd drop it and just let him know that you're glad that you two were able to talk about it and get it out in the open.

[Calicorado83]

I just snooped through a guys phone just a few days ago. Same situation. Couldn't shake the feelings, found out he was still talking to his ex. He was having her come over and they were sleeping together. When I asked him about it later in casual conversation so as to not accuse, he told me everything without me really having to ask. We weren't together, but we were seeing each other and it felt good to know he was being honest and up front, but I still wished he could have told me about her WAY earlier. I would say bring it up in a casual conversation in a way that doesn't seem accusing, and also try to shrug off the fact that your upset and be more of a listening ear, you might get more out of him that way.

[Mes T]

Guys. Ok I arrived to New Zealand (friggin amazing country, all the stories are true, happy to report!!). BY ACCIDENT, I learned that the emails have stopped only to be replaced by texting. EVERY DAY. Can you believe it? I sure can't. I didn't read them, by the way. No need to repeat that again.

So what do I do now? I've realized that I can't co-exist with this person. I find myself shutting down. What do I do? I have half a mind to just do this New Zealand thing by myself.

[jns]

It sounds like you should do NZ solo. Get a guide book and get out to see everything. Fill up your schedule so much you don't have time to think of relationships. It probably wasn't meant to be.

[caterpillar79]

I'm sorry about your predicament, Mest_T. Been there as well and it's no fun.

I agree with JNS. It looks like you need to take NZ solo. I was not clear of one thing about your bf - did he claim he's over her? Looks to me like he's not. Did he tell you how they parted and why they did?

The first slip on his part, excusable... Second offense - questionnable. I won't settle for a third. I'd be like - take a pick dear! Cut any ties with her or me. I don't how this is making me feel.

[caterpillar79]

*insert

I don't like how this is making me feel.

Sometimes, the man we love needs to learn we mean business or he'll take it lightly. Personally, I won't allow myself to be treated like I don't matter that much to him. I'm selfish when it comes to my man - no exes, girl friends are okay and it helps if we know each other.

Mes_T, I believe this is yet another chance for you to draw your boundaries and be firm.

*hugs, dear!

[stressed]

Mes... the longer you stay passive in this the worse it can get. I understand that you don't want to "control" him or become obsessed about this, he may also be doing this out of habit/friendship/nothing special, but it HAS to stop. You go first, not her. Texting her every day is unacceptable, he is used to this communication now and if a day will go by without him texting her he might feel bored/something is missing from his every-day life, even if it's just texts. This might turn into something worse, he might start wonder why is he missing the contact, why can't he end it, is it him, her, or you.

This kind of contact is only harmful for all three of you. He must make a choice as enough is enough.

It's nice to be able to trust someone, but when your trust has been abused twice then you have to take control of the situation and not leave anything up to luck. Don't leave your life in the hands of luck, but be sure of the choices you make and of the people around you.

[stressed]

(double post)

[stressed]

One more thing: More people regret knowing too little than knowing too much.

[sourpuss]

Ugh! I can't believe it.
I agree, you should grab a guide book and take off for a week or two and explore NZ alone. You definitely won't regret doing that! Have a chat with him and tell him why you're going to go off on your own and let him know that he broke your trust. That you were already worried about it before you got there only to have now have a reason to be worried. It's not fair of him to expect you to just except it and follow him around the world. It's gotten to the point that he has to make a choice. Be prepared if he refused to make a choice though.

But DEFINITELY go explore on your own for the next couple of weeks. Take some time for yourself and give him some time to see that you are serious.

I'm so sorry, this has you in a bad place, it must be really awful. But at least you're in one of the most beautiful places in the world with the nicest people too! Take advantage of where you are, it's a great place to clear your head.