[PandaPaws]

Glad you're working through it. Hopefully he will learn to be honest from now on. Good luck on trying to trust again. I am not doing such a good job with that... :/

[Mes T]

Thanks guys. And sorry, PandaPaws. Been there too.

I'm... having serious second thoughts about pushing the whole "send her an email cutting her off" thing. I just don't see how I could make sure it happens without really overdoing the whole situation. I trust that he has no inappropriate feelings toward her, I trust that he said none of it mattered and that now he understood how it made me feel. So... do I really need to make sure this last bit happens? Wouldn't that show that NO in fact I DON'T trust him, because if I trusted him completely I wouldn't have cared what happened with her from now on... as long as he told the truth?

[Ashlee T.]

Is it even reasonable to expect yourself to COMPLETELY trust him when you just caught him dishonestly talking to an ex behind your back?

[Mes T]

I guess if I didn't trust him fully yet he'd have no reason to complain. But I totally get his reasons and truly believe he didn't mean to hurt me in any way.

So... you think I should push it?

I mean... I'm thinking that he's most likely just going to drop off the face of the earth as far as the ex is concerned.

I'm just worried that if I push him to go through with an email like that, that it will give even MORE weight and importance to this whole drama.

[rcoreyus]

I think that trusting and being betrayed is better than never trusting. I don't see any reason to push this. If he is trustworthy nothing will happen anyway. If you make him write a letter and he is not trustworthy he will just get into contact some other way.

[Hopeless Dork]

I'd advise just dropping it hun. You don't want to be controlling, its not in your nature... and you don't have any control anyway. He could do what he wants after sending that email and you just have to believe in him that he wont... so you might as well start believing in him before he sends it.

He is responsible for his own actions. You've made it clear his dishonesty upset you, his communicating to her so frequently upsets you and he probably knew both of those things already. You've confirmed them... there is no grey "i didn't know" areas.

So if he continues the behavior you know he's doing it disrespectuflly to you and your relationship. Give him the benefit of the doubt to de-escalate this situation with her. if he on his own Bcc's you, fine. But don't request, don't push it... thats my advice.

You are powerless over his actions, you can only decide for yourself what actions you are willing to stand by him through and which you are not. Clinging to the notion of him sending this goodbye email and showing you, is really not going to serve your relationship any good. This is a good fresh start for you to say, I am going to trust you again... and this is his chance to truly earn it.

[Mes T]

Alright. I agree with that. Heck he hasn't even done anything THAT terrible, no use just stewing over it and making it worse.

[stressed]

And what if she sends him a message asking him why has he disappeared so suddenly? Would he show you that, or reply behind your back again, just so he won't cause another argument?

I'm not trying to make you suspicious, but if they chat weekly and he won't tell her that he will end the contact now then what stops her from getting in touch herself?

You know him a lot better than we do, so you can make a good decision. But a habit of a year+ is not always easy to cut off just like that.

[Mes T]

The way I see it she can message him all he wants, if he keeps his replies under control she'll get the hint. I'm gonna wait a couple of months or so and then calmly ask, "So, how's it been going with your ex?" And he will tell me the truth, because I will be glaring him in the face by that time (and not separated like now), haha. :-p

I gotta believe that he got my point yesterday. I wrote down all the questions you guys helped me to come up with in one compact letter and read it to him. I also raised my voice at him for the first time, something I hadn't done yet, so I'm sure that part helped to shock him into listening. And by the end of it I actually made him cry (not intentionally!!), which is also a complete first.

Point is I gotta believe that he gets it. I'm only gonna look like the bad guy if I push this, and I think I'll feel like it too. If I let myself slip into this mode of controlling girlfriend, that'll be hard to get back out of and will only push him away.

If I had done what he did, that is email my ex constantly and lie to him about it, and he found out and was quite upset and created a huge argument, I'd be way too afraid of losing him to step on any toes from that point on. I don't think I would WANT to send my ex an email saying "hey I can't contact you anymore" because that could give someone the wrong idea, kind of a romantic one... Like ohhh, if only so-and-so wasn't controlling you, we could be together! I would much rather let the emails die down naturally. There's no better way to get rid of someone than to make them feel like they truly and honestly don't matter.

I dunno. With my ex I had SO many trust issues. SOOO many. I feel like I need to control myself, let MYself see that I can learn and change from past experiences.

If later I find out that he has lied AGAIN about that or something equally as important, I can go ahead and leave him with my head held high, knowing that IIII was the best possible girlfriend a person could be, and that him turning out to be a disappointment in the end is good for me and only terrible for him, because it would be his loss.

Ahh I'm rambling now. I dunno I hope some of that made some sense.

[Ashlee T.]

I agree with the others. I wouldn't push it. I mean, really what's the point? Your intuition is telling you everything is fine, and that pushing it may create more scarring........so listen to yourself. You have faith in him to do the right thing, and that says WAY more than anything about you and your commitment to him. And I'm thinking he must be a pretty good fella for you to feel that kind of faith in him cause I certainly don't see you as the "pushover" type.

You found him being dishonest, you addressed it, now it's over and time to move on. You've handled it beautifully.