[Tiffa]

This happened to me a week ago. I went into his facebook messages and found an email he sent to a random girl telling her how beautiful she was.

I could not hold it in as you have said yourself, it's not in your nature. I called him that evening and started the conversation like this:

"I've done something really bad, something really horrible. I've never done it before and I feel so bad about it that I know I will never do it again"
-Now he's worried you cheated on him or something - so the fact that you snooped will not seem as bad
"I was on the computer and your facebook was open, and I couldnt stop the temtation and I opened an email you sent to whatever-her-name-was, and i'm so sorry that I snooped. I do trust you and I do know that you are commited to me."

-He then told me he was a little ****ed off and he sounded a bit worried that i'd seen the email.
I then went on (in a very calm and soft voice - No accusations), I told him i thought that it was a bit inappropriate, and how would he feel if he knew i was sending guys emails telling them how good looking they are? He agreed that it was not right and went on to apologise and we didnt fight, we spoke about where we were in our relationship, it opened a discussion about honesty and trust - I told him what i felt was drawing the line - And it was a very civil talk. I cried of course, but boys dont mind that sort of thing when they know they have been let off the hook.

Try this out with him and REMEMBER you must NEVER accuse him - always talk about how YOU felt and make him see that your snooping was an innocent little slip - nad that his lies are the problem whether you found out or not - but he must be the one who decides this for himself.

[sourpuss]

She already did that and they talked about it and all seemed fine. but she just found out that instead of stopping with the emails, he's been texting her every day.

[Guest]

Sometimes a girl just knows...

I avoid snooping normally. But now and then in the past I have done it when I just feel something isn't right. Not hacking into email or anything but guys are sloppy, they don't cover their tracks well enough sometimes. And sure enough, I found out things an ex was keeping from me. When I confronted him over it. He wasn't mad at me for snooping - he was more upset over the fact that he got caught and couldn't justify why he kept things from me.

Exes are exes for a reason. Unless there is a child involved I see little reason why two people need to keep close contact with one another. It doesn't mean you have to hate the person but I see no point in carrying on a relationship with an ex boyfriend. Not healthy and only causes trouble. You should not be passive about being lied to. Your boyfriend was not honest with you and you should confront him over it.

[sourpuss]

I think you made a major life decision by moving to another country for this guy. I wouldn't feel at all bad reading the texts. You need to know what is going on to decide what you are going to do. It could be harmless, it could be him telling her he's moved on, they could just be friends, or something could be going on. You need to know that truth.

[KMonte85]

Sorry Mes - I am SOOOO out of the loop (haven't been on here as much as usual lately!)

I'm really sorry all this came to light now that you're in NZ, but I hope you do follow the advise of others and have a fantastic time flying solo in NZ. Your boyfriend obviously needs to learn a thing or two about boundries. Female friends are one thing, an ex that's still an acquantance, yeah sure... but txting another woman, particularly an ex, every day is out of line... so you must let him know just that, and then take the rest of your time to enjoy yourself.

Don't let a cruddy situation ruin what could be a fabulous time in a fantastic country!

[Texinator]

So... Mes or texting an ex... Mes or texting an ex... Mes or texting an ex... Seems like there is an obvious answer. It'd be kinda like asking me if I wanted a million bucks or a kick to the balls.

[Ashlee T.]

Geez....why would he let you move all that way knowing he wasn't totally invested in the relationship? The good part, is you're now in an absolutely beautiful part of the world and can really take some time to enjoy it. You're beautiful. You're intelligent. You're witty. You're unique. Get out there, make some new friends, new memories, enjoy New Zealand and leave him behind to deal with his baggage.

[Mes T]

Ugh. Okay, an update.

To be fair, I never told him before "you gotta stop emailing her SOOO often." I kinda assumed that would happen on its own, and I also thought I'd be okay with it, now that I knew the truth about all the contact.

Well lo and behold I ended up totally changing my mind. I don't think it's okay at all for him to be doing this.

Long story short I told him he had 3 days to set this right, otherwise I'd leave. I have the money to be on my own, I don't actually need him for survival.

We didn't talk about it after that and a couple of days later he shows me the final draft of an email he's ready to send to his ex (and BCC me on). It's a perfect email, basically says that he was stupid and lied to me about their contact, and now it's too uncomfortable of a situation to continue.

I told him I was perfectly fine with them emailing like once a month or something (you know, ANYTHING more normal that several times a week), and he put that in the email too.

Sigh. Even after all this hurt, I STILL believe that he TRULY didn't mean anything by constantly talking to her. Yeah it had the potential to get out of hand I guess, but I just can't bring myself to NOT trust him when he tells me he wasn't doing it with any feelings attached.

Anyhoo, I think everything's okay now and I can postpone my solo run through NZ. :-p I can't say whether or not we'll be together far down the line, but I'm pretty sure this one hurdle is over. And if somewhere down the road I see their contact reverting back to how it was... then I'll know without a doubt what my next action should be.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable or controlling by telling him to only talk to her once in a while. Right??

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Mes, I've been reading but not replying because what can I say?

He did wrong, perhaps because he knows you had previous trust issues, so purely, simply did what most men do, shut up and say nothing, it's easier, however, he added in a lie, "not often" and got caught out...

Everyone always gets caught, always, eventually unless it's something they have committed, moved and take it to their grave....

All you can do now is believe him that he has realised he doesn't need to lie and you need to ensure he doesn't feel that he has to lie either

The true beauty of a relationship is both people can talk about anything anytime...

Whilst you've forgiven him, inside you haven't exactly totally, and you still have trust issues but remember, they are from your past and that is where it has to stay, in the past....

Tell your man that you both have to change a little from here, no matter what it is, not matter what, both of you will always calmly talk about it, what is bothering you and together you'll try to resolve it, but your correct in your saying, no lies, it doesn't keep a relationship together, your not being un-reasonable, it bought up the past and made you worry about your present and future....

You can get past this, if you both make a promise, a commitment to talk about anything, you will not get mad or leave him ( unless he cheated) and make that commitment....

He deserves a chance, considering he knows of your past..

Don't start wondering ok... it is what it is, if he is sincere it will all go perfect from here... if not, then he's not the one for you....

It's good that you stood up for yourself, your rights of a relationship.... in my opinion.....

As for when and how he can talk to her? It's natural to keep in touch with people, daily is not natural, he has to see that, regardless of your thoughts it's not healthy for anyone to communicate daily with an ex, including him, as he has to concentrate himself on the present, not the past, even if they are just friends.... She will rely on him with her problems, and she needs to stand on her own feet and rely on herself and find someone else in her life, therefore to have that type of communication with, which is a relationship..

CW

[Ashlee T.]

Girl girl girl....tough situation. I know you want to believe him, forgive him and be able to move on. I know when this first happened and you talked to him about it, you didn't say to never contact her again. But I'm quite certain he knew that texting with her daily was not appropriate. You caught him emailing with her, talked with him, believed him wholeheartedly, were very accepting of it and understanding.....and so he stops emailing her, but starts texting with her. This is exactly what my ex did when I confronted him about some emails. He assured me there'd be no more, even deleted his email account to prove to me. He assured me with every thing in him that he had no feelings for her whatsoever, that it was a dumb move on his part and that she was totally insignificant in his life. In no time, much like yourself, I started to discover texts. He didn't stop contact with her, he simply changed the method. Needless to say, he couldn't let go of her, and there was still some strong emotional connections there that made him be willing to jeopordize what we had in order to just stay in touch with her. But he knew I was a good gal, he knew I loved him, and he didn't want to let me go either. I'm in no way saying that just because that's what happened to me, that's what is happening to you. You're a smart gal....but you're in love....and I just don't want a girl as witty and beautiful as yourself to be walking around with rose colored glasses with someone that may not deserve you.