[rcoreyus]

Cheating is never a good thing, it is a betrayal. People that cheat are being dishonest. I also don't believe in an open marriage because I think that if you are having sex with some else WITHOUT your spouse jealousy can sometimes rear it's ugly head. Jealousy can even happen when you are together, as in a swinging or poly relationship, although if you are in such a relationship jealousy issues should be discussed in full before you start.
Please don't cheat.

I agree with all that and won't cheat - but - what to do if your spouse almost never wants to sleep with you and refuses to talk about it - literally walks away when the subject is brought up?

Divorce? just for this when everything else is OK?

Live a nearly sexless life? Seems unfair.

[Fallen1]

I agree with all that and won't cheat - but - what to do if your spouse almost never wants to sleep with you and refuses to talk about it - literally walks away when the subject is brought up?

Divorce? just for this when everything else is OK?

Live a nearly sexless life? Seems unfair.

She won't even discuss it with you?

I'm so sorry. I can understand your frustration. I also understand that you do not wish for a divorce. But at some point I believe you have to think of yourself.

[rcoreyus]

She won't even discuss it with you?

I'm so sorry. I can understand your frustration. I also understand that you do not wish for a divorce. But at some point I believe you have to think of yourself.

She won't discuss - really did just walk away muttering something about "I don't know". Oh well. I do love her and the rest of our relationship is good. Sex is important, but not important enough to throw out everything else.

[C]

If she suspects that you have ever cheated on her it would definitely have an impact on her actions.. I wrote a Topic here about my husband and a possible affair that sent me in circles. I had to talk to my friend who is a Sex Therapist just to get my head back together. I was so full of self doubt that I was a mess. I wondered if he was telling me the truth. Did he have the affair? Was he being truthful? Believe me that woman was in bed with us for more than a few sexual sessions. The Therapist told me that I asked him this question and now to trust him that he did not do it. Finally I was able to do this and our marriage proceeded as it had always been. But believe me what nearly happened stays with me and always will. You are full of self doubt on this too and I believe it bothers you as it bothered me. .

You say you do not care if she had a prior affair or is in a lesbian relationship. After living with her for 20 years that is a pretty heavy statement. And you state that she may think the same of you and wonder if you may have had an affair too.

You need to talk. I mean really talk. Whether a Therapist would help is another question. They can be cold. Two lovers of years ago at a lovely motel setting with wine and roses trying to find yesterday and talking it out may work better than $200 an hour by someone who has learned by a book on life. She/he knows nothing of who you are. I see you both on a road to destruction. One of you is going to make a big mistake or a big discovery. She is growing older and my experience has been that a woman as she ages and during menopause can be one hot babe. I sure have had fun. When two people are lonely within a marriage as you both are, it has all the makings of someone being able to walk in and rescue this lonely person. Whether it be you or her, I do not know. But the writing is on the wall. It will be up to you as to whether you act on this or you consider it not worth your time and let it go..

With the children situation and all that you both have gone through it is remarkable that you have still clung to each other. You do, you know. Neither one of you have given up on the other. It took two people in love to start this marriage and your wife no matter what you say is not giving you an in gratitude F ( roll in the hay) with her twice monthly just to show her duty is now done for the month.. I think it is more than that.. She would not be doing this unless she had feelings too. That is how we women are. I wish I had words of wisdom for you but this is about the best I can do.................as always, just my thoughts.....C

[rcoreyus]

If she suspects that you have ever cheated on her it would definitely have an impact on her actions.. I wrote a Topic here about my husband and a possible affair that sent me in circles. I had to talk to my friend who is a Sex Therapist just to get my head back together. I was so full of self doubt that I was a mess. I wondered if he was telling me the truth. Did he have the affair? Was he being truthful? Believe me that woman was in bed with us for more than a few sexual sessions. The Therapist told me that I asked him this question and now to trust him that he did not do it. Finally I was able to do this and our marriage proceeded as it had always been. But believe me what nearly happened stays with me and always will. You are full of self doubt on this too and I believe it bothers you as it bothered me. .

You say you do not care if she had a prior affair or is in a lesbian relationship. After living with her for 20 years that is a pretty heavy statement. And you state that she may think the same of you and wonder if you may have had an affair too.

You need to talk. I mean really talk. Whether a Therapist would help is another question. They can be cold. Two lovers of years ago at a lovely motel setting with wine and roses trying to find yesterday and talking it out may work better than $200 an hour by someone who has learned by a book on life. She/he knows nothing of who you are. I see you both on a road to destruction. One of you is going to make a big mistake or a big discovery. She is growing older and my experience has been that a woman as she ages and during menopause can be one hot babe. I sure have had fun. When two people are lonely within a marriage as you both are, it has all the makings of someone being able to walk in and rescue this lonely person. Whether it be you or her, I do not know. But the writing is on the wall. It will be up to you as to whether you act on this or you consider it not worth your time and let it go..

With the children situation and all that you both have gone through it is remarkable that you have still clung to each other. You do, you know. Neither one of you have given up on the other. It took two people in love to start this marriage and your wife no matter what you say is not giving you an in gratitude F ( roll in the hay) with her twice monthly just to show her duty is now done for the month.. I think it is more than that.. She would not be doing this unless she had feelings too. That is how we women are. I wish I had words of wisdom for you but this is about the best I can do.................as always, just my thoughts.....C

I'm afraid our relationship is already post apocalyptic, but somehow we hang in there. I do agree with most of what you say - but talking to her about this problem is almost impossible. Sadly, neither of us drink (choice for me, medical for her), otherwise that might provide a way to relax a bit. Yes, she does love me - and most of the time I think she trusts me. Also, the situation is very very complicated (what relationship isn't after >20 years), even if I could get her to talk to a therapist, we might spend years just unwinding things. (children, infertility, breast cancer and other medical problems, family problems, we have our very own soap opera).

We do spend romantic evenings, days, weeks together. We have stood on our hotel balcony and watched the evening sun turn the clouds streaming from the Matterhorn into a plume of flame a mile long. We've paddled a canoe down mirror surfaced jungle river that was littered with fallen flowers from the overhanging trees. Had dinner by firelight in an Italian monastery built in the 12th century. Slept in a bed in the ruins of the Roman Emperor Diocletian's palace. We've climbed the desolate mountains in central Crete to find the few stones that mark the very last settlement of the fallen Minoan civilization. We've stayed in an american theme hotel with an giant round bed, mirrors on every surface, and a marble hot tub big enough for a dozen.

She get flowers at home and and work - by surprise, for no reason other than that I love her. She gets, and gives hugs and kisses whenever I walk by.

There is romance in our lives. There is so much that I would never want to give up. Talking about sex causes here so much stress - and I don't want to risk everything else. I will wait and see if an opportunity to discuss things comes up. My last gentle mention caused her to just walk away.

But I have once again wandered off topic.

[Fallen1]

I could get her to talk to a therapist, we might spend years just unwinding things. (children, infertility, breast cancer and other medical problems, family problems, we have our very own soap opera).

I certainly don't know the details/extent of the situation but maybe this has something to with her lack of interest. Just making a guess, but maybe she doesn't feel attractive any more. I mentioned on a thread before as to how I went through a stage of not feeling attractive and it basically turned off my desire for sex.

[C]

I'm afraid our relationship is already post apocalyptic, but somehow we hang in there. I do agree with most of what you say - but talking to her about this problem is almost impossible. Sadly, neither of us drink (choice for me, medical for her), otherwise that might provide a way to relax a bit. Yes, she does love me - and most of the time I think she trusts me. Also, the situation is very very complicated (what relationship isn't after >20 years), even if I could get her to talk to a therapist, we might spend years just unwinding things. (children, infertility, breast cancer and other medical problems, family problems, we have our very own soap opera).

We do spend romantic evenings, days, weeks together. We have stood on our hotel balcony and watched the evening sun turn the clouds streaming from the Matterhorn into a plume of flame a mile long. We've paddled a canoe down mirror surfaced jungle river that was littered with fallen flowers from the overhanging trees. Had dinner by firelight in an Italian monastery built in the 12th century. Slept in a bed in the ruins of the Roman Emperor Diocletian's palace. We've climbed the desolate mountains in central Crete to find the few stones that mark the very last settlement of the fallen Minoan civilization. We've stayed in an american theme hotel with an giant round bed, mirrors on every surface, and a marble hot tub big enough for a dozen.

She get flowers at home and and work - by surprise, for no reason other than that I love her. She gets, and gives hugs and kisses whenever I walk by.

There is romance in our lives. There is so much that I would never want to give up. Talking about sex causes here so much stress - and I don't want to risk everything else. I will wait and see if an opportunity to discuss things comes up. My last gentle mention caused her to just walk away.

But I have once again wandered off topic.

I just read your post to Mourningman. It added up to my thoughts on what you have said. I was a virgin when I married but despite this I knew that I was hot. Knowing what I know now, I would strongly recommend that both a woman and man find out sexually before they are married what their sexual hungers are. Otherwise one or both of them could be miserable the rest of their life. People forget that this person that they are in love with will not change. They will not grow to love this sexual contact that they themselves desire and crave. Instead their spouse may be repelled by them. For some of us women it is kind of one of those tricks that we can play in snaring our catch with the possibility that we will learn to like it in time. It just does not happen this way. For others of us, we just plain love sex.

You sound like a wonderful husband. From what you say you are doing everything right. Many women would be happy to have you as their mate. If your wife does not like sex like you have said, she may have escaped into herself and is happy there. Whether you can bring her out only time will tell. My experience has been that many women get more sexual as they age but then there are the ones that want separate bedrooms and beds. That is what is so disturbing. Many, many times as they age they regret this. They find that their mates have found sexual happiness in the arms of a another woman that is very willing to give him all he asks and then just a little bit more. Women need men. Sexual men. There are not enough of them around and we will go to all lengths to get one. I have about five letters from women from 48 to 63 who expressed this to me. Their words are all about the same and echo the same thoughts. If I only knew that I should go down on him and give him oral, if I only knew that he loved me to talk dirty, if I would have only done all the sexual things he wanted me to do, why did I only do only missionary, if I only knew what I know now before he met that other woman. I could add about ten more If I only knew things to this but I think most of us know them. They have always ended their letters the same way. IF I EVER HAVE THE CHANCE AGAIN.......it will be different.

I wonder why so many women let themselves go to this place in their mind. Kind of a sexless place where they are content yet troubled. That is why we have so many lurking women. They want to have a taste of what some of us women have and just don't know how to find it. It isn't a good place for women to go as they would feel of a lot better having orgasms and letting it all hang out. They forget that they have many hot years ahead and just deal with the moment. They do not know the thrill of a man and the hot sexual orgasm that puts you in another place and time. They puts themselves in this self imposed prison and many times throws away the key. I can only say what I have heard women tell me and the experience I have sexually

As far as worrying about another woman I think that is pretty far fetched. Most of the lesbian women especially in older years are not even sexual. They are in for the companionship and sex so very seldom takes place.

When you have the chance and are laying with her in your arms try to finger her. Try to wake up her sexual parts. Make sure she is good and moist with lubrication and gently try to bring her back to life. Tell her you do not want penetration but just some hot fingering. Try to wake up her body. In the meantime you take care of yourself. These are the times that a man must get stimulated to keep his erectile powers. Don't let them fade. Masturbate at least once a week. It is important.

Please understand I have no knowledge of sex other than what is in my head and mind and that is a scary place to be.......But like you I adore sex.....Get a lot and need a lot. And honey, I smile as I say this....

Much luck and again these are just my thoughts....C

[SaraSmile]

I certainly don't know the details/extent of the situation but maybe this has something to with her lack of interest. Just making a guess, but maybe she doesn't feel attractive any more. I mentioned on a thread before as to how I went through a stage of not feeling attractive and it basically turned off my desire for sex.

It happened to me at times too. i.e. when I gained a significant amount of weight a few years ago. Luckily, I dropped a lot of the weight. However, it makes you feel very un-sexy.
Is she (rcoreyus' wife )on birth control? That gets my juices flowing.

[rcoreyus]

It happened to me at times too. i.e. when I gained a significant amount of weight a few years ago. Luckily, I dropped a lot of the weight. However, it makes you feel very un-sexy.
Is she (rcoreyus' wife )on birth control? That gets my juices flowing.

No, she is not on birth control. Unable to become pregnant anway - which is part, but only part of the problem. Maybe she doesn't feel sexy, but I certainly make it clear that I still find her very desirable.

[SaraSmile]

No, she is not on birth control. Unable to become pregnant anway - which is part, but only part of the problem. Maybe she doesn't feel sexy, but I certainly make it clear that I still find her very desirable.

All I can say is, perhaps she *might* (and I realize this is probably a long shot) talk to her GYN about it....decreased libido or whatever. But I know you already said she really isn't even talking to you about the subject anymore....