[Adillon0698]

Okay so here it is. I have something weighing me down more than anything ever has in my life. I am 25 years old, a mother of two young children. I spent 10 years with the childrens father and found I needed to get out. I dated around was cheated on for a year, after that i had a very active lifestyle. having children at 16 i never experienced the younger life. i wanted to party meet so many new people and just have fun! then I found this guy who to me, seemed to be the sweetest ever. Although, he is not very attractive..I found him attractive. I feel like I am, I don't mean to sound conceded by any means, I will explain. We hit it off. Jumped right into a serious relationship which seemed to me like that was the story of my life, but, I did it anyway. He treated me like the most besutiful, sexy woman in the world. i loved it. i couldnt help it, it made me feel good about me. Things right off the bat went to total ****! Within a month he moved in. After that he started controlling everything!!! I was no longer allowed to have friends, or speak to males. Ill admit I was a flirt and still can be when I drink. Flirting was it though. He constantly picked fights with me and it continued to get worse. It's been 15 months now. He has my fb logged on his phone, my text app, my email, he even smells my crotch sometimes when he gets home from work....if a guy friend messages me on fb (who i havent spoke to since the relationship begsn) he will start a huge fight saying im sleeping with the guy and will block him from my fb! we have faught bad. Somewhere down the line it became physical. I have woken up the next day on so many occasions with bruises covered on my body from him shoving me around all over the house. Recently, he thought I cheated ( I didn't.) he slapped me around and threw me across the room. I have to lie to my children where the bruises come from. I have no friends. My family is far away..he has all my passwords so I can't reach out for advice. I don't work because of the kids and he has not allowed it. I am miserable. I cry and cry and still try to make things better... He has told me he will kill me if i am with another man. i would never dare cheat on him. i want to be happy and not afraid anymore. i dont want to be scared of what he will do to my house when hes mad, or to me. rI have turned to drink myself to oblivion to make it go away and all it does is cause more problems because he gets drunk and fights with me. Now he has turned to ignoring me after fighting with me when he gets home, he goes to porn sites, visits naked websites, frequently goes to his ex of 3 years webpage and masterbates to her pics. but he wont leave... if i tell him to he destroys my house and holds my children over my head and the bills. he knows he has me screwed. I thout i loved him...i always thought id be strong enough to deal. Am I? I'm so lost. I don't know what to do. I feel so trapped and yet I'm still fighting to make it work because I feel as a single mother it's my only option. I don't want to lose my house...I have nowhere to go. I just don't even know anymore. I've lost myself along this road. I hate it. I need help

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Ok, the first thing I want to say is, you found a good place.. We will be here for you from beginning to end.

Secondly, where are you from ? So we can guide you on where to go.

Thirdly, it's OK, we will all together word this out.

If you lose your house? So be it. Honestly trust me, you can re-build your life. What is important is this guy is not only controlling your life, but he's interfering with your children's happiness, welfare, they are not silly no matter how old they are, in addition his is physically harming you that is not fine at all, ok... And, then as he feels he has full control he disses you for porn and deliberately makes you feel as if you are nothing by seeking his ex and masterbating. This is to control you in the extent of feeling ugly, non sexual, not attractive.

You are allowed to have flirted don't even feel guilty. You are allowed to find yourself, don't feel guilty. It's his insecurities of his own life which has been nothing, until someone like you enters and honestly, they go for those that have just left a long term relationship because they have nothing, no-one the vulnerable are their prey.

Hold your head up.. You either have to pack whilst he is not there and go to a shelter to start with or ring your parents and tell them the truth from a public phone and ask for help get out of there.

Most are sleeping, I am in Australia, so I will keep an eye and try to stay with you for a bit.

Make sure you don't save this site, remember your log in and password

CW

[Stillness]

He has told me he will kill me if i am with another man.

Do you believe him? I think you should. It probably wouldn't even take him suspecting you of being with another man. If he thought you were leaving, if you got into a bad fight, or if he just had a bad day he could kill you. He might intend to or he might not. All it would take is a "mistake" the next time he throws you across the room and you could be dead and your babies would be without a mother. He might kill them too. It happens multiple times a day every single day. It's not even rare. It's common. It starts with abuse and ends in murder or murder-suicide. 20-30 women a week die like that in the US.

Whether you love him or he loves you is secondary. You might. He might. It's not the lasting kind of love, though. It's the kind that kills. He said it. When people tell you what they are and back it up with action, set emotion aside and believe them.

The question is whether of not your feelings and your stuff is worth your and your children's life and health? If it's not, then how soon should you act to protect you and them? He's not entitled to the truth. He's an enemy to your family. You have every right to deceive him and sneak around to protect them until you can get away safely. Be clever. Be shrewd. Smile in his face, be sweet, cook him dinner, serve him drinks, and quietly do what you need to do for yourself and your children.

[Claret]

This is a controlling abusive man. One of the first clues is that they try to dictate who you can talk to and when you are allowed out. They move on to controlling when you talk to these people and for how long -- then you are not allowed to talk to them anymore and you are only allowed out of your house on errands. He will time the length of time you are gone and if you've been too long in his eyes he'll take it out on you.

He'll hold you as a financial hostage. (He's already doing this). He'll now start to pick away at your self-worth, telling you you are nothing without him, telling you that you'll never make it and that you can't make it without him. He'll start to pick away at your appearance. Your hair is too long, too short, too much lipstick, too much eye shadow. Your shirts will be to tight, necklines too low. He's the only one that likes your ugly face.

It gets worse and worse and finally if you choose to try to fight back he'll start to take it out on you physically.

He's done all this already. You are in an abusive relationship, he is an abuser and you and your children are victims.

I could go one but I think you get the picture. Get a court order to lock him from the house. You'll find a way to manage financially. Trust me you can and you will. The most important things are your children and what they are witnessing and what they are learning from all of this.

Pick your time to do this. Do it from a position of strength and resolve to carry it through for if you waver he'll have found the crack in the armour to let him back in. Also, remember that the time immediately following a breakup, is the time when you could expect the most violence out of him towards you. Be prepared, have help if you need it and don't hesitate to call the police with a domestic violence complaint when necessary.

[jen1447]

Do you live in the US? And did he actually threaten to kill you, as in saying "I will kill you, blah-blah-blah?" In most places (definitely in the US), you're not allowed to go around threatening to kill people. You might not necessarily go to jail for it, but the local police will usually take a keen interest. If he actually did that, your first step should be to get it on the record. Go to your local police department and make a report, telling them what was said/done. Then tell them the whole story. They may well want to have a little chat with him, which would be an excellent first step to getting out.

IMO the biggest hurtle women like you have to face in this situation is getting a grip on the reality that he's be NO means entitled to treat you this way. Period. Once you fully understand and accept that, everything else falls into place. You quickly realize what your viable courses of action are (usually pretty simple - get out), and you change the dynamic of him controlling you to you controlling the situation, which will rather quickly reduce him to the cowardly fool he is.

[rcoreyus]

He is clearly an abuser. How were you supporting yourself and where were you living? Is he in YOUR house, or are you in his? If you are in the US (I don't know the laws in other countries), if he hits you again you can go to the police. Other than a threat of physical violence (which is serious, but is something law enforcement can deal with) does he have any other control over you?

I hope you know that this is absolutely not normal.

[atskitty2]

You need to get out of this relationship. If you are in the US, contact a women's shelter experienced in abuse. They can help you discreetly plan an escape with as little risk to you and your kids as possible.
That's what they do, they will know how to protect you.
Often these facilities are recovery programs, with people in place to help you find child care, work and other necessities to help you get on your feet, including counseling for the trauma you've suffered over this time.

Your family is far away? But are you in touch and have a good relationship with them? Do they know that you're being hurt? If they did, would they help you?
Reach out to them as well.

My opinion is that any man who lays his hands on a woman in anger, to subdue, incite fear and control her, has a greater potential to kill. You must get out and protect yourself and your children. If you need strength, motivation and courage, look at those kids, read the statistics... Then get out!

Keep us posted. But be safe in doing so!

[jns]

Adillon, I read your post carefully (you know how to post now) and I have to agree with CW the most. Consider abandoning things and getting back with family. I suspect that there is more to know about your relationship with your family, though. Having a baby at 16 means that it was likely you were pregnant at 15. Did that and the relationship with your children's father from even earlier cause rifts in your family life from a young age? Can you go back? Is there some relative who would take you in?

One thing you said was that you lied about the bruises to your children. Children are smart and can figure things out. They most likely know why you have the bruises. This situation is tearing them up because they cannot defend you. Do what you need to do for them.

If you cannot find help from family, consider going into a battered women shelter. Such shelters are available in many places, especially larger cities.

[Adillon0698]

Im sorry its taken me so long to respond. Unfortunately he found this and read it and has made me feel horrible for posting it. Let me say that i fully agree with everyones response. I know he has has his own issues and with that he treats our relationship the way he does. There is so much more to tell, and just not enough time. I want to start by saying I did contact the sheriffs office one time. We were in a huge fight and it was very physical, he was throwing me around, i fought back, he held me down choked me with his knees and when i got up i freaked out. I grabbed a glass bottle closest to me it was broken and i just started swinging when he came at me. I ended up cutting his arm, ran out to a neighbor. My father called law enforcement. When they arrived, they took me to jail. I was in shock. Because he was bleeding and i had was not, they took me. I faced aggravated battery was in jail for 2 days. the next morning waking up in jail, my body covered in bruises so bad they were bleeding, i decided never to trust law enforcement again. I was acquitted of the charge and thank god. My mother feels it is my fault why i am in the situation i am in now, and the only thing she would take from this is a chance to take my children. He continues to call me a *****, and bring up that i am a horrible person and all his friends hate me. I feel inadequate, and he makes me feel like its all my fault. I will say that i have picked fights with him when i have been drinking. The constant hateful remarks to me daily and the put downs, when i have drank, i suppose id snap at the remarks. He then turns that around on me and says i am a piece of **** and an alcoholic and the reason we are where we are. I have a horrible past, my mother was never home always out sleeping around, for 3 years i was molested and eventually raped by my step dad. My mother was too lazy to prosecute him and since then has even blamed me saying i was old enough to know better. it stopped at age 11. I cant help but feel like im just a screw up. I love my children more than anything in this world and i want them to have a good life. I have kept with this relationship always waiting for the right time to get out....income tax is coming up. I believe i am going to take the money and prepare myself for a battle with him. This is my house I am renting, his name is not on the lease. I have been applying for jobs online and i hope to hear back soon. Im ready to get this over with. I am worried i wont be strong enough to say no when he tries to come back. Last night I tried to ask him nicely to please stop with the porn, and visiting girls fb pages and masterbating. He replied you never put out and its no different then you flirting with every guy you see. Ladies, I DONT get out of my house. Im not allowed. He is abusive but somehow has made me feel i am too?

[Adillon0698]

Thank you for all your responses.....I just really needed to talk to someone. I feel crazy.