[jns]

I would not leave or have affairs. I think I'll just keep on bothering him until he gives in.

Bothering a person will usually not get the results desired. It will, however, build resentment that will sooner or later split the relationship. If sex is had, it will be pity sex. It will not be enthusiastic sex. Getting to the root of the problem and coming up with a strategy to modify the causes has a much better chance to succeed.

[ItsASecret]

Why does it matter so very much to most people whether their partner sleeps with someone else? Someone in a relationship with a partner who doesn't want to have sex with them, is left with no alternative.

To me marriage is a commitment, a commitment to be together and only together with that one individual. People consider it very important to hold that trust, that agreement, that commitment. If one dishonors this arrangement then of course the other will be upset. Cheating is like saying to your SO "yeah so I like you and all but you kinda bore me so I had to seek out someone else". That shot to the heart, that collapse of trust...that would hurt someone who holds the marriage in high regard. To me, and this is just my opinion, if a guy cheats in a marriage or just in a relationship the first thing I think of is "well another case of penis before the relationship" then the papers will be on the table ASAP.

If a couple can arrange and agree to an open relationship that is different if not there is no such thing as no option, there is always the option of divorce. We are not apes living in the jungle, we may have evolved from ape hierarchies but today marriage is largely considered monogamous. If one believes they should be able to wed and go after other individuals just because they want to, without a pre-arranged agreement of such, then frankly in my opinion they should not have gotten married in the first place.

[rcoreyus]

In a case like this isn't it just saying "you won't have sex with me so I found someone else who would?" It seems to me that refusing to have sex with your partner is worse than cheating on them - it hurts them directly.

Why "dishonors". Why is sex so fundamentally different from doing other things with another person.

[ItsASecret]

Why "dishonors". Why is sex so fundamentally different from doing other things with another person.

Because of that shared commitment, at least to that one individual in the relationship that holds that commitment and trust in high regard. Monogamy is monogamy. It is not an open relationship, it is not polygamy it is one single person. That is why it can hurt so much and why people make such a big deal out of cheating on someone.

Sex is fundamentally different from doing other things with another person, it is a personal subject, a subjective one, an emotional one, a shared experience. It is not like sharing a cup of sugar with your neighbor.

[jns]

Sex is fundamentally different from doing other things with another person, it is a personal subject, a subjective one, an emotional one, a shared experience. It is not like sharing a cup of sugar with your neighbor.

Which is why it hurts so much when sex is cut off or withheld. Such action can shake the very foundation of a marriage.

[jen1447]

BTW: I would not agree that a breakup is in any way like killing someone. In fact I think a lot of break-ups and even divorces are much better than the alternative of staying together with someone who is not compatible.

The law would certainly agree. While it's never justified to murder someone, in most states now, infidelity is not even considered grounds for divorce, much less some criminally prosecutable offense.

[Stillness]

Which is why it hurts so much when sex is cut off or withheld.

It's almost as bad as having sex with someone else.

I can sort of understand if someone has had some traumatic experience that messes with their head and they need time to work through it. But I don't get extreme sexual neglect. I always think that something more is wrong. Maybe some sort of passive antagonism or disgust. A lot of those people would then be shocked if their mate left or got involved with someone else. I wonder what world some people live in where they think they can treat the one person that is supposed to come before everyone else like crap with no repercussions.

Then I wonder sometimes if we're getting the whole story. Like if someone denied and manipulated their husband for 20 years then hit their sexual peak and expect service. Or if a guy treats his woman like a dog and doesn't know the meaning of dental hygiene.

[Lady Syrinx]

This is related to the question of why "cheating" is considered such a terrible offense -people seem to rank it along with theft or violence. Why does it matter so very much to most people whether their partner sleeps with someone else? Someone in a relationship with a partner who doesn't want to have sex with them, is left with no alternative.

It's easy to honor your marriage vows when you're happy but you show your mettle when times or situations present a challenge.

I can't count the number of times I'd say "Why don't you just cheat?" during the "dark times," "lost years," or whatever I happen to be calling the sexless portion of my marriage this week. I never really wanted him to cheat nor thought he'd entertain the idea. But at the time I saw it as the only viable "solution" to our situation. I was looking at it as a purely sexual issue. The far more important issue was one of connection. We'd lost the connection that had existed from the night we met. His answer to my comments about cheating was the following or something similar "I chose you, I want the person I fell in with. I just want you to feel the same way about me that you once did. I simply don't want anyone else."

Cheating to save a marriage or any relationship is like putting holes the hull of the Titanic to drain off water. It seems like the "solution" but it's ultimately going to create more problems than it solves.

[Stillness]

I guess a vow is not worth much if it only applies to the good times.

Lady Syrinx, I wonder what you would have done had your husband taken you up on your "offer" and went elsewhere. Would you have tolerated it or been cool with an "open marriage?" Or would that have led to a break-up? Those kind of conversations sound like the type that would drive me out of my mind.

[Lady Syrinx]

I guess a vow is not worth much if it only applies to the good times.

Lady Syrinx, I wonder what you would have done had your husband taken you up on your "offer" and went elsewhere. Would you have tolerated it or been cool with an "open marriage?" Or would that have led to a break-up? Those kind of conversations sound like the type that would drive me out of my mind.

At the time, I would've accepted it, but I was a different person then. What I mean is that I was in very deep depression and my self esteem wa nearly s non-existent. I felt like I didn't deserve a man who put up with someone who was more or less asexual. I told myself I was doing it for him, so he could have a "real woman" who could give him what he needed. I never went as far as offering an "open marriage" Even as low as my self-esteem was, I was able draw an invisible line at offering a threesome.

I'm a very different person today. I have a very low tolerance for cheaters because the justifications are usually red herrings. People who cheat find to too difficult to deal with the problems in the marriage so they look elsewhere. I think sexual problems are usually related to something else. In early 2012 we had long talk I think our biggest problem was that we both felt taken for granted. I guess that's one of the downfalls of dating for 10.5 years. When you finally get married the time you spend together is no longer special so you just assume the other person will always be there. Once we finally discussed this things stared to get better and better.

We have a wedding photo hanging over my husband's chest of drawers about 2 weeks ago I told him I used to look at that photo and ask myself "Can we/Will we ever be "that" couple again?" Now when I look at it I say "We're not "that" couple anymore, we're even better than "that" couple ever was.