[rcoreyus]

What about the people who have waited and tried everything they could think of for 10 or 20 or more years, and whose partners still won't be intimate witht them. What are the choices:

Continue to live celibate and probably deeply resent their partner for it?
Cheat?
Leave the person that despite a lack of intimacy they still love?

For anyone who has not wanted sex for a long time, which would have you have preferred?

[Lady Syrinx]

One addendum to my last post. Affairs are also one of the most, if not the most, prevalent motive for homicide. Whether it's premeditated or a crime of passion. I speak from direct knowledge, my dad was a cop for 30 years.

[Lady Syrinx]

What about the people who have waited and tried everything they could think of for 10 or 20 or more years, and whose partners still won't be intimate witht them. What are the choices:

Continue to live celibate and probably deeply resent their partner for it?
Cheat?
Leave the person that despite a lack of intimacy they still love?

For anyone who has not wanted sex for a long time, which would have you have preferred?

None of those are are palatable choices. I know not everyone can do a total 180 like I did. I would never accept cheating. If I had to pick from the remaining choices breaking up would be preferable. When you love something set it free. If you can't give the other person what they need then let it them go find it. That came up in our fights too. I would say something like "If I'm not giving you what you need divorce me and go find someone who can." I didn't really want it because I love and have for more than half of my life. But if he'd chosen the divorce I would have accepted it.

At the risk of sounding like a drama queen, not only did he take his vows extremely seriously, but he also took "our song" to heart "I'm forever yours Faithfully." I love him more for that more than he'll ever know.

[rcoreyus]

That is what I find so difficult to understand - the idea that having your partner leave you is better than having them cheat on you. I know that this is a common feeling, I just can't personally relate to it. This seems especially strange in a case where my partner wanted some (common) sexual activity that I was unwilling to provide. Humans are very difficult to understand.

[jns]

That is what I find so difficult to understand - the idea that having your partner leave you is better than having them cheat on you. I know that this is a common feeling, I just can't personally relate to it. This seems especially strange in a case where my partner wanted some (common) sexual activity that I was unwilling to provide. Humans are very difficult to understand.

That's why another option is an open marriage and even another is a multiple marriage or an allowed significant other.

[DreamP346]

This tread had kind of taken its own direction and I want to try to bring it back to what the OP asked. Children in the picture. This changes everything. We can debate whether leaving a partner over sex is acceptable, but what if small children are in the picture? Can you have an open marriage or polyamory with small kids around? Is it fair to the kids to suffer because 2 people can't agree on a fundamental component of marriage? That is a totally different question that I think we are missing in this discussion.

[jen1447]

Great question. A lot of people do (in terms of cheating, not open marriage/polyamory that I know of), but as to whether or not they should I'd side with the nos. Maybe I have some traditional values (ha!), but it would be weird to have that dynamic involved directly with children. I guess anytime the welfare of children is involved, these types of questions on the part of their caregivers are moot. That doesn't mean the other solutions shouldn't still be pursued tho, like couples counseling to get the spousal sex back on track.

[Lady Syrinx]

That is what I find so difficult to understand - the idea that having your partner leave you is better than having them cheat on you. I know that this is a common feeling, I just can't personally relate to it. This seems especially strange in a case where m
y partner wanted some (common) sexual activity that I was unwilling to provide. Humans are very difficult to understand.

Our daughter was in the mix.. I thought it was better for her to see her daddy happy with someone else than to live in a tense situation where we were "ships passing in the night. " And when we did interact it was either about her or fighting. What would allowing him to cheat have taught her? To put up with a cheating husband because the situation seems to dictate that as a "solution." That is not what her Oooma (German for Grandma) and Grandpa taught me and that's not what I wanted to teach her. And as far as I'm concerned an "open marriage" is just a a euphemism for condoning cheating.

He can be completely transparent letting the "other woman" know that it's only about sex. Eventually something's gotta give; she falls in love with my husband. He categorically refuses to leave me and tries to break it off. She accepted it in the beginning but now that she', "in love" all bets are off, This is where my comment regarding affairs and homicide comes into play. If it does end in homicide the child loses one parent, possibly both. This may be an extreme scenario, but you can't control the "other woman," her feelings or her reactions.

[rcoreyus]

It makes it really difficult. Is it better for children to see a loveless couple, or to see polyamory / open marriage (different things) as normal? I grew up with parents in what I think was a loveless, or at least intimacy -free marriage (I never saw my parents hug or kiss at all). It wasn't good, it gave me a very twisted idea of what a marriage should be like. OTOH would an open marriage have been better? I don't know.

My feeling is that children should see their parents living happy lives - whatever that requires.

This tread had kind of taken its own direction and I want to try to bring it back to what the OP asked. Children in the picture. This changes everything. We can debate whether leaving a partner over sex is acceptable, but what if small children are in the picture? Can you have an open marriage or polyamory with small kids around? Is it fair to the kids to suffer because 2 people can't agree on a fundamental component of marriage? That is a totally different question that I think we are missing in this discussion.

[Stillness]

I almost always find the "think about the kids" arguments are not compelling. Typically, the right thing to do is right whether there are children or not.

The thing that's interesting about these discussions to me is to see how others handle these situations. The answers for this kind of stuff are always simple in my community, even if they're not always easy. You keep your vows.

I recognize that marriage, and therefore the vows may be different for non-christians. That makes me wonder: What exactly is marriage? What are the vows you took? It seems that the answer could be with those questions.