[Stillness]

Stillness, what would you do? I agree with not wanting to violate marriage vows. OTOH, is it fair for someone to have to spend their life celibate?

I would stay and keep trying. The other options are unthinkable for me.

No it's not fair for someone to deny their mate.

[jen1447]

Definitely until the kids grow up, but I don't think I could walk away from a relationship after being together so long, especially if we still loved each other. And if I spend 20 year trying to make it work, I don't think I would stop trying just because the kids are grown.

There was a time in my life when I couldn't image life without sexual satisfaction. Sexual compatibility was probably on my top 3 list of requirements in a partner. I just was naive to think that any man would just not be interested in sex with me. That never crossed my mind as a possibility in a relationship. I thought all men were sex crazed and the sexual compatibility was just about the type of sex, not the quantify. The problem is that the first few years of our relationship, the sex was really good. It was actually the best I ever had. I never thought it would ever get like this. But the thing about a marriage and family is that you have to constantly work at making it work.

This brings to mind that notion about people not being meant to be monogamous .....I obviously don't know enough to say for sure, but it sounds a lot like the normal loss of lustre between two people. I honestly don't know what you can do to bring that back when it goes, aside from exploration in various other areas. Being stuck in a sexless marriage (or a pleasureless semi-sexual marriage) just sounds like an awful trap. I don't mean that to be critical, I just keep thinking there must be a solution for you and it's frustrating to be unable to come up with one. Whatever the case, it would take both of you to find it.

[rcoreyus]

This is related to the question of why "cheating" is considered such a terrible offense -people seem to rank it along with theft or violence. Why does it matter so very much to most people whether their partner sleeps with someone else? Someone in a relationship with a partner who doesn't want to have sex with them, is left with no alternative.

[jen1447]

I fall on that side too (not surprisingly if you know my domestic situation), so it's natural for me to wonder the same thing. Trying to put myself in someone else's shoes tho, I guess I can see why if fidelity is valued as much or more than anything else in a relationship, violating that could be harmful. I guess I just don't have it there to violate personally, but I don't think I'm shallow or missing out on life's greatest reward for it either. I'm a happy girl.

[DreamP346]

There are lots of theories on the idea of monogamy and fidelity. A bunch describe it was social constructs of a patriarchal society that need to constrain female sexuality in order to control lineage. It's obvious if a child belongs to a woman, but you can't say the said about the man. So in order to ensure that a woman is carrying a particular man's offspring, the culture of monogamy was created. Therefore it is not a natural state.

However, we can argue this theory and we can debate the fact that so much of what we do is not "natural" in the sense of Darwinian. The reality is that cheating is very prevalent and even our bodies have adapted to cheating (sperms that fight other men's sperm). Staying monogamous is a challenge that we need to make a conscious effort to practice. I don't think it some something that comes easily.

[Stillness]

This is related to the question of why "cheating" is considered such a terrible offense -people seem to rank it along with theft or violence.

I would - probably worst than theft. Right alongside murder. I think that a solid husband-wife unit is more than the sum of it's parts and is a powerful force for good in the family and in the community. When you break it up (from outside or inside), it's sorta like killing a person. That's why it's crucial for both people to keep it strong, in my eyes. That's why I think it's horrible for someone to deny their mate sex. I do understand cheating or leaving under those circumstances, but still don't think it's good.

[rcoreyus]

But why? I agree with the great importance of love and relationships. But why must cheating destroy a relationship - more so than say stealing money, drinking, or for that matter being lazy or just selfish in bed? Why must sex be completely exclusive.

I understand the importance in the past of knowing who's child you were raising - but now with DNA tests, not to mention birth control, that isn't an issue. There is a disease issue, but I don't think that is really the reason people object so much to cheating.

If I use my sex == food analogy, why must a couple always eat the same things? If one of them likes spicy Thai noodles, and the other doesn't, why must they do without - or the other suffer with something they hate?


BTW: I would not agree that a breakup is in any way like killing someone. In fact I think a lot of break-ups and even divorces are much better than the alternative of staying together with someone who is not compatible.

I would - probably worst than theft. Right alongside murder. I think that a solid husband-wife unit is more than the sum of it's parts and is a powerful force for good in the family and in the community. When you break it up (from outside or inside), it's sorta like killing a person. That's why it's crucial for both people to keep it strong, in my eyes. That's why I think it's horrible for someone to deny their mate sex. I do understand cheating or leaving under those circumstances, but still don't think it's good.

[Stillness]

But why?

I think it's how we're made - to mate monogamously for life. Sex is a core component of the union. When you bring in other people it interferes with nature and there are repercussions. It's about reproduction and disease, but there are also other concerns like intimacy and support.

Food is not a good comparison because it has nothing to do with marriage.

Also, I do think that other polyamorous arrangements can and do work on some level, but not as well.

[eugene83]

Just talk with your man before rushing into things. Just tell him how you feel about sex, about him not responding to anything related to sex, tell him that you feel hurt and that you cannot take it anymore. I don't think cheating is a solution, if things go wrong, just divorce the guy.

Good luck!

[AmyAshford]

I would not leave or have affairs. I think I'll just keep on bothering him until he gives in.