[Millner]

Hello everyone.
I have this big secret and it's hard to talk with people about it so I thought I would come here anonymously to get some input.

This past weekend, I unexpectedly slept with a married man. This all started when a spark happened between us and then led to us having the wonderful and fun night together. We were both away on a business trip when this happened. I figured it would just be a one night stand and was ok with that but, turns out he wants to keep seeing me and even encouraged me to take additional trips that were like an extension to the one we went on.

The next morning he made it a point to tell me good morning in front of a group of people (some of which I'm sure know what happened the night before). We were alone a little while later to which he kissed me twice which then I knew he meant what he said about wanting to see me again. He agreed there is a strong connection between the two of us and he too was surprised by this but said he couldn't stop wanting to be with me.

Over the next 3 days, we texted and messaged each other online laughing about our fun, having casual conversation and making plans for future trips. In fact, he told me he wished I could find a way to come see him this weekend as he is out of town again for a training. Unfortunately, I cannot. However, we have begun to make some plans in a month to see each other again. It would be nearly a week together just him and I.

My confusion begins with knowing that this isn't right however, my head also tells me if a man (or woman for that matter) was truly happy they would not be seeking out another person. He has made me so happy and honestly, I'm surprised that I am this connected with him as he would not be a man I would have sought out if I were in a bar or otherwise. He is completely opposite physically with what I am attracted to. I am in fact completely attracted to him because of who he is. He commands a presence in the room, is funny, and exuberates self confidence (although after talking to him more I think he lacks it....)

Today, I felt a sense of peace with my life. Peace that I haven't felt in a very long time. However, he posted something online today that just gave me a wake up call reminding me that this is a complicated situation. I have made a commitment to myself though that if a single, available guy was interested in me I would not push him away and the married guy knows this as I made it clear to him when we were discussing future get togethers.

I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this. Maybe advice? Suggestions? Someone who has been in my situation before? Sympathy? Understanding? I just please don't ask for criticism as I tend to beat myself up A LOT when I know I have done something wrong so please believe me that I'm doing enough of that.....

Thanks for reading.

[rcoreyus]

Well you know you are playing with fire. I'll never judge what someone else does, no one but them know what their life is like, or what their motivations are. Affairs are tricky too - there was an old song with the line "love is an angle disguised as lust". Maybe, but its also true that "lust is a demon disguised as love". Our body chemistry sends all sorts of confusing signals. Some things to think about - really think:

Are you OK with this if he continues to stay with his wife and just sees you on the side?

When his wife finds out and confronts you, what will you say? Can you look her in the eye and say something like "if you were a better wife he wouldn't have turned to me".

Are you OK with his having other affairs at the same time - presumably he will.

Do you know anything about his home situation? Children?

Are you willing to disappear without any fuss if he wants to end it?

If you can deal with the above and if it makes both of you happy, then I won't tell you to stop.

[jen1447]

Ohh, interesting situation. We all know affairs are 'wrong,' but they're always exciting anyway.

Can I ask what the wake up call was? I'll have more to say later.

For the record, this is somewhat familiar territory as I was a cheating GF with a BF I had in my early-midish 20s ....he was the only SO I ever cheated on, but I did it extensively. Not a proud period of my life, but it helped me to get my mind right later so I wouldn't do that to anyone else, and it is what it is. Skeletons in our closets and all that .....

[jns]

Milner, are you sure he is who he seems to be? Has he done this before? Hormones and brain chemicals can account for a lot of the actions that you two are taking as well as what you two are feeling.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I'm not sure if you are trying to validate yes I can, or no I won't ..

From every thread I have read and helped those people as has our members pertaining to affairs with a married man, every one of those stayed with "that" married man for up to 4 years, only to break down in tears and tell the story of falling in love, being to weak to leave, always living on their own, sleeping in their own bed on their own, never going out for dinner, no romantic dates, just waiting for the bedroom romp which they thought was love because it was somewhere nice, or he was nice.. Told that the wife hates sex, hates him.. He is staying for the kids, or finance only to establish through "snooping" he's happy just wanted more and did like them maybe even had some love, but never enough to leave.

See our chemicals go off, we are human. Then once that happens emotions come into play. Then once that happens we love the lust, love and remain.. Then we are stuck.. Some of the women who left their "affair" were past the age of being able to have children. Something they have had trouble living with. Some, cried themselves to sleep dreaming of being there 24/7 it never happened.

You may say that you will allow someone into your life and let him go but he's not stupid, he'll play the charisma even better and get you hooked so far that you won't allow anyone in.

Go to advance on the right hand corner and put in " affair with a married man" and read what our past members have stated.

One we are so proud of eventually left, very scared but I have heard since on one lovely Christmas Day via PM that she got married to someone nice.

We understand It's called adventure but you can get that with a single guy with your head held high and with dignity. You are beautiful, don't forget that, inside and out... Don't let some guy get his cake and eat it. He more than likely has had cream on top more than once

Don't beat yourself up either. Mistake, cut it off, move on..

[Claret]

My spider sense is tingling here and it doesn't feel good for you in the long run. This man has obviously been there and done that before and prides himself on letting the others in the office know of his conquests. This is evidenced by his actions in front of the others the next morning.
Is he in any way considered a manager or a boss of you? If he is this could be construed as sexual harassment and in the US and Canada at least can be a criminal offence.
The other issues as I see them, you are carrying on this affair on a daily basis, through your texts and conversations. This means your work is not being done at those times. This, I believe, could get you both fired. There still remains a double standard. If he I in a critical area they could keep him, but you'd probably be the one to go.
If his wife finds out and makes a scene at the company - you'll probably be fired here too.
If his wife finds out and makes a scene at any other time - you'll be in the position of having to defend yourself from her anywhere and everywhere.
I don't hear one iota of remorse. It sounds as if you want it to continue. I urge you to look at everything before you do. Does he have children? How will they be affected by an affair that comes to light? How will you manage if you get fired from your job? If he leaves his wife and has expectations of being with you, is he really the one you want? Have you considered that while you spend time with him you may miss out on meeting someone else that doesn't have any attachments?
Consider it a one time deal, tell him so, and move on. Find a new job if you must but leave him alone. He should get the message.

[atskitty2]

Women make all sorts of rationalizations in these times to make themselves feel good about what they choose to do. So, I'm not surprised you're reaching out for some clarity here, and I'm glad you did! Hopefully we can help you get your thoughts and emotions in order

I have a lot of thoughts in addition to the above posters comments, but I will only bring up 2.
First, if this is a work relationship, are you prepared for the awkwardness, among other things, as this goes forward, or ends? Especially since people know? I wonder what the dynamic is there and how much you value your career/future with this company. There are many reasons not to mix business with personal, and this man seems less than discreet, which also raises many questions for me.

Second, what is it that you REALLY want in a romantic relationship, and over the long term and what are the chances this man could/would ever meet your needs? Since you've made it known you will date others, I assume you realize that he can't provide what you really need, and you'll have to continue looking?

Personally if what I really want is a serious relationship, I wouldn't waste time on a married guy. I get the exciting and risky fun of it, but that will also distract you from the eligible men around you.

Pls keep us posted!

Edit: Claret and I were channeling each other...so funny how we go hours with no posts, and here we are just moments apart

[Millner]

wow you guys. Thank you so much for the feedback, perspectives, questions, etc. I truly, truly needed that this morning!! I will go ahead and answer the questions that were in the replies....

Some things to think about - really think:

Are you OK with this if he continues to stay with his wife and just sees you on the side? not sure but I think I will get bored and leave because things aren't changing

When his wife finds out and confronts you, what will you say? Can you look her in the eye and say something like "if you were a better wife he wouldn't have turned to me". I wouldn't tell her she wasn't being a good wife because I don't know their situation. Instead, I would tell her to talk to her husband and I'm sorry.

Are you OK with his having other affairs at the same time - presumably he will. I would prefer he didn't however, he is married after all and I have no say in that.... :/

Do you know anything about his home situation? Children? I just know he has 2 very young children. I have one myself.

Are you willing to disappear without any fuss if he wants to end it? possibly because right now I don't have feelings for him (though he keeps telling me they are bound to happen. I just keep reminding myself that it's lust.

Can I ask what the wake up call was? I'll have more to say later. Since I am not used to being with a married man my mind conveniently "forgets" that he is married if that makes any sense at all. Last night he went out of town for a concert. I had texted him telling him I hope he drives safe and has fun. (here is where my brain completely forgets he's married) I don't get a text back which is highly unusual. 30min later he posts a pic of him and his wife after they arrived at the location.

.....

My spider sense is tingling here and it doesn't feel good for you in the long run. This man has obviously been there and done that before and prides himself on letting the others in the office know of his conquests. This is evidenced by his actions in front of the others the next morning.
Is he in any way considered a manager or a boss of you? If he is this could be construed as sexual harassment and in the US and Canada at least can be a criminal offence. we technically work in the same field but do not work anywhere close to each other, not the same building or even the same town.
The other issues as I see them, you are carrying on this affair on a daily basis, through your texts and conversations. This means your work is not being done at those times. This, I believe, could get you both fired. There still remains a double standard. If he I in a critical area they could keep him, but you'd probably be the one to go. we don't text at work. it's when we are both home. where is his wife during this time? no clue because we have talked for hours online and through texts.
If his wife finds out and makes a scene at the company - you'll probably be fired here too. and that won't happen because I have tenure and she doesn't know where I work
If his wife finds out and makes a scene at any other time - you'll be in the position of having to defend yourself from her anywhere and everywhere. I realize there would be nothing I could say to make it "right" once someone is hurt by something like this. instead I would tell her I'm sorry and I don't know what to say but that she should have a long extensive heart to heart with him about all this because that is where she will find her closure and such
I don't hear one iota of remorse. It sounds as if you want it to continue. I urge you to look at everything before you do. Does he have children? yes and so do I. How will they be affected by an affair that comes to light?they are very young How will you manage if you get fired from your job? I won't. I have tenure and so does he and it wouldn't affect our jobsIf he leaves his wife and has expectations of being with you, is he really the one you want? not sure yetHave you considered that while you spend time with him you may miss out on meeting someone else that doesn't have any attachments? possibly
Consider it a one time deal, tell him so, and move on. Find a new job if you must but leave him alone. He should get the message.

Women make all sorts of rationalizations in these times to make themselves feel good about what they choose to do. So, I'm not surprised you're reaching out for some clarity here, and I'm glad you did! Hopefully we can help you get your thoughts and emotions in order

I have a lot of thoughts in addition to the above posters comments, but I will only bring up 2.
First, if this is a work relationship, are you prepared for the awkwardness, among other things, as this goes forward, or ends? we work in 2 separate citiesEspecially since people know? there is only one area of our work where we know the same people but he doesn't seem worried and I don't think they care. I wonder what the dynamic is there and how much you value your career/future with this company. There are many reasons not to mix business with personal, and this man seems less than discreet, which also raises many questions for me.again, our work employees are massive and no reason to worry about being fired[/COLOR]

Second, what is it that you REALLY want in a romantic relationship, and over the long term and what are the chances this man could/would ever meet your needs? Since you've made it known you will date others, I assume you realize that he can't provide what you really need, and you'll have to continue looking? I said this because I would prefer being with someone who is 100% available so if someone comes along that is, why shouldn't I pursue it with them? I just don't know what the future holds or doesn't hold between the two of us. I have heard of different stories on both ends of the spectrum so that's where the confusion lies

Personally if what I really want is a serious relationship, I wouldn't waste time on a married guy. I get the exciting and risky fun of it, but that will also distract you from the eligible men around you.

Pls keep us posted!

Edit: Claret and I were channeling each other...so funny how we go hours with no posts, and here we are just moments apart

[DreamP346]

Have you talked to him about his wife? For all you know, they might be in an open relationship.

I have 2 suggestions:

If you have emotions involved and so does he, work it out. Ask that he get into an open relationship, or leave his wife, or something. Basically work out the situation where everybody is comfortable (to some degree) and there is no sneaking around.

If no emotions are involved (which is seems like) and he does not have an open relationship with him wife, I would strongly suggest ending it right away. It sounds like you are in it for the fun. The first time just happened, it wasn't planned. But anything you do from this point forward is premeditated. Do you really want to face the chance that you are ruining a family with small kids just for some fun time? I know its fun, but is your temporary fun worth the cost of some other woman and 2 small children's happiness? You don't know what is happening in this family, but you don't want to be the cause of its breakdown. Also, if this gets public, it can look really bad for you. Society judging women in your situation really harshly, often more so than the man who cheated. Do you want your own child exposed to hearing bad things about his mother. This type of stuff does happen. And what was it all for? Just some temporary excitement.

Think long term consequences.

[jen1447]

Okay, you've heard a lot of cautionary reaction already so I'll skip that and just comment on your statements ....

This past weekend, I unexpectedly slept with a married man. This all started when a spark happened between us and then led to us having the wonderful and fun night together. We were both away on a business trip when this happened. I figured it would just be a one night stand and was ok with that but, turns out he wants to keep seeing me and even encouraged me to take additional trips that were like an extension to the one we went on.

That's a fantastic arrangement! For him. Seriously, think about it - he gets to have a hot piece on the side who meets up with him when he's away and who he can forget about when he's not. What's not to love about that? You on the other hand are limited to being the secret other woman. Your needs only get met when it's convenient for him. Sometimes the thrill of being pursued and desired and made to feel sexy and powerful clouds our perception of the facts, but the reality is this arrangement mainly benefits him.

The next morning he made it a point to tell me good morning in front of a group of people (some of which I'm sure know what happened the night before). We were alone a little while later to which he kissed me twice which then I knew he meant what he said about wanting to see me again. He agreed there is a strong connection between the two of us and he too was surprised by this but said he couldn't stop wanting to be with me.

As long as it's on business trips.

Over the next 3 days, we texted and messaged each other online laughing about our fun, having casual conversation and making plans for future trips. In fact, he told me he wished I could find a way to come see him this weekend as he is out of town again for a training. Unfortunately, I cannot. However, we have begun to make some plans in a month to see each other again. It would be nearly a week together just him and I.

Yeah, if only you could come to him again, that would be so convenient!

My confusion begins with knowing that this isn't right however, my head also tells me if a man (or woman for that matter) was truly happy they would not be seeking out another person.

This is again probably a result of your sex/danger high ....but sadly if he is a seedy fellow it's entirely possible he's happy in his marriage and just wants to play around on the side.

He has made me so happy and honestly, I'm surprised that I am this connected with him as he would not be a man I would have sought out if I were in a bar or otherwise. He is completely opposite physically with what I am attracted to. I am in fact completely attracted to him because of who he is. He commands a presence in the room, is funny, and exuberates self confidence (although after talking to him more I think he lacks it....)

These are the same traits you may come to hate after the shine wears off and you realize that he's not exactly Prince Charming. When you're in the throes of lust, he could have six wives and 14 mistresses and you might think that was cute.

Today, I felt a sense of peace with my life. Peace that I haven't felt in a very long time. However, he posted something online today that just gave me a wake up call reminding me that this is a complicated situation. ... Since I am not used to being with a married man my mind conveniently "forgets" that he is married if that makes any sense at all. Last night he went out of town for a concert. I had texted him telling him I hope he drives safe and has fun. (here is where my brain completely forgets he's married) I don't get a text back which is highly unusual. 30min later he posts a pic of him and his wife after they arrived at the location.

Don't ignore the wakeup call, it came for a reason.

I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this. Maybe advice? Suggestions? Someone who has been in my situation before? Sympathy? Understanding? I just please don't ask for criticism as I tend to beat myself up A LOT when I know I have done something wrong so please believe me that I'm doing enough of that.....

Apologies for the snarkyness but I'm doing it for a reason, namely that this scenario doesn't sound good for you. I'm not going to speak to it being wrong, just whether or not you benefit, and as far as that goes it sounds like me like you're coming in second. Sure you get some good sex, and you get to feel naughty and hot (believe me, I know that's a heady feeling and it's really hard to control yourself when you're under the influence), but in the end you're being treated like a commodity. You're a grown woman who can decide for herself whether to go on with this or not without really having to explain or justify to anyone, but if you do I'd just encourage you to stake your claim a bit more forcefully. Maybe tell him that no you're not going to settle for business trip encounters where you always go to him, maybe demand some 'home' time with him and see how he responds .... my guess is he'll suddenly get cold feet if the advantage starts to swing your way, but you shouldn't let it stay in his court. You should run the show, not him.

However you move on with it, good luck.