[Justice]

There are plenty of single men that would love to be in a relationship with you. Why select the married one?

I don't think that comment is always true - not saying anything about the OP. You may not find another otherwise "perfect" guy for you at that particular time; or even for a long time. But that doesn't mean that you should continue anyway.

But I think the advice is all well intentioned.

To the OP (Millner) I have/had a thing for a guy who was "just" living with another woman and there were no kids involved. I got a lot of similar advice here. Now I draw a line at Married and/or in a relationship with small kids. I am not saying you have to have the same line. But I think that you really have to consider not only yourself (and I believe the other posters are right, that beyond a quick fling you are opening yourself up for pain), but in this case he has a wife and especially the small kids (both of yours) have to be considered.

[jen1447]

I think someone needs to step in and play girl-ref here for a second (normally CW does but she's invested in the discussion in this case - which I love btw ), so ....Millner, the women here are all pretty passionate about what they think and believe (the guys too), and there aren't many wallflowers here lol so if you ask for input, that's what you're gonna get. That said, it took some balls for you to come in here cold and state what you were up to so matter-of-factly, so I respect that a lot. Point being, it kind of sounds like you're among your own kind, believe it or not.

Keep the discussion going and stay involved - we're obviously all interested.

[Millner]

I don't think that comment is always true - not saying anything about the OP. You may not find another otherwise "perfect" guy for you at that particular time; or even for a long time. But that doesn't mean that you should continue anyway.

But I think the advice is all well intentioned.

To the OP (Millner) I have/had a thing for a guy who was "just" living with another woman and there were no kids involved. I got a lot of similar advice here. Now I draw a line at Married and/or in a relationship with small kids. I am not saying you have to have the same line. But I think that you really have to consider not only yourself (and I believe the other posters are right, that beyond a quick fling you are opening yourself up for pain), but in this case he has a wife and especially the small kids (both of yours) have to be considered.

Thank you for sharing your story.

I think someone needs to step in and play girl-ref here for a second (normally CW does but she's invested in the discussion in this case - which I love btw ), so ....Millner, the women here are all pretty passionate about what they think and believe (the guys too), and there aren't many wallflowers here lol so if you ask for input, that's what you're gonna get. That said, it took some balls for you to come in here cold and state what you were up to so matter-of-factly, so I respect that a lot. Point being, it kind of sounds like you're among your own kind, believe it or not.

Keep the discussion going and stay involved - we're obviously all interested.

Thank you. I do know I have a good head on my shoulders, I get things, I'm not dumb and yes, I'm blunt. I have a lot of crap to figure out about all of this.....a lot. Believe me and trust me I have taken EVERYONE'S posts to heart and into consideration with what I'm going to do. I have a lot of questions about his story but I have absolutely no answers. Not that it would make everything better but, it would help me understand. If he is truly looking at me as a body and that's it then believe me, I will push him to the curb however, I'm not getting that. Yes, I could be wrong but no one knows right now. Hopefully, I will be able to gauge better as time goes on what is going on as far as his home life.

[rcoreyus]

Just for the record, I don't agree with society's absolute condemnation of affairs. If two people can find a bit of happiness together its OK with me (and yes, I would't be particularly upset if my wife had an affair).

That said the two big risks are:

1) People may think its just a casual fling but it can surprisingly easy for one of them to become emotionally involved, and that is a serious problem since one is already in a committed relationship.

2). While **I** am not particularly bothered by affairs, that is very much a minority opinion - many people would be completely devastated. It is a trick moral question if you are responsibly for someone else's unhappiness when you do something that in a rational world doesn't really hurt them but they think it does.

On the one hand, someone is very likely to end up badly hurt. On the other "It's not the things we do in life that we regret, but rather the things we didn't do".

My only advice is for you to try to be completely honest with YOURSELF about what you are doing and why. This is the road to hell, but when you get there, there will be lots of interesting company. (I'll be in the next boiling sulfur pool for a different set of sins...)

[Millner]

Just for the record, I don't agree with society's absolute condemnation of affairs. If two people can find a bit of happiness together its OK with me (and yes, I would't be particularly upset if my wife had an affair).

That said the two big risks are:

1) People may think its just a casual fling but it can surprisingly easy for one of them to become emotionally involved, and that is a serious problem since one is already in a committed relationship.

2). While ****I**** am not particularly bothered by affairs, that is very much a minority opinion - many people would be completely devastated. It is a trick moral question if you are responsibly for someone else's unhappiness when you do something that in a rational world doesn't really hurt them but they think it does.

On the one hand, someone is very likely to end up badly hurt. On the other "It's not the things we do in life that we regret, but rather the things we didn't do".

My only advice is for you to try to be completely honest with YOURSELF about what you are doing and why. This is the road to hell, but when you get there, there will be lots of interesting company. (I'll be in the next boiling sulfur pool for a different set of sins...)

Thanks....and yes, I am trying to be honest with myself, what I'm doing and why.

[jen1447]

Sorry if I missed this detail or it got lost in the shuffle somewhere, but are you in any kind of relationship (other than this one) at the moment, or have you been relatively recently? What's your personal relationship history like, if I can ask?

[Millner]

Sorry if I missed this detail or it got lost in the shuffle somewhere, but are you in any kind of relationship (other than this one) at the moment, or have you been relatively recently? What's your personal relationship history like, if I can ask?

no, I'm not in any other kind of relationship.
my relationship history...well....hmm I like to be in long term relationships actually. I usually go for younger guys but not recently. I've never been married but do have a child. not sure what else you would like to know?

[jen1447]

Let's see ....is it important to you to have a partner in life? Were past relationships successful, traumatic, blah, etc.? Not really wanting to put the microscope on you lol, just trying to get a feel for your mindset and where you're at in life - that could reveal a little more about this whole business.

When I was in my cheating phase, I didn't really care about any practical considerations, it was mainly just a power trip and I was having fun. You seem a bit different, like you want something more out of this even tho on the other hand you say you're not really invested.

[Millner]

Let's see ....is it important to you to have a partner in life? Were past relationships successful, traumatic, blah, etc.? Not really wanting to put the microscope on you lol, just trying to get a feel for your mindset and where you're at in life - that could reveal a little more about this whole business.

When I was in my cheating phase, I didn't really care about any practical considerations, it was mainly just a power trip and I was having fun. You seem a bit different, like you want something more out of this even tho on the other hand you say you're not really invested.

I see what you are saying and no I don't mind you asking. I'm a very logical person who likes to understand and make sense of stuff. My major in college was under the umbrella of applied psychology if that means anything heh

So, I swear I've been in nearly every situation possible when it comes to relationships and dating.... in the past I was seeing someone and discovered he had a gf (actually this has happened to me twice and one of them was living with me) I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship, had a pretty poor self esteem in my 20s and was physical with men thinking that would help with my self esteem (I laugh at that now lol), I had a really fantastic relationship years ago but he broke up with me via internet when he was overseas, then I've had the inbetween where I date someone for a short time but realize the spark isn't there or it's not going to work out for whatever reason. About a year and a half ago, I began dating someone who I knew for years, he was all gung ho in saying he was going to marry me but then he retreated backwards and we had a rocky relationship. when it was over he kept emailing me like he was interested and we even made plans to discuss things so I could see if I did want to get back with him and he was a no show and gave some lame excuse after I contacted him to see what was up.

[jen1447]

Okay, so you've had a rocky road (like many of us lol). You said in your first post that you felt a sense of peace with the new guy (before the Facebook reveal). Those two things seem to suggest that you're craving contentment, which is nothing unusual. It doesn't square so good with being ambivalent about it like you say tho. I'm not pointing that out to try to catch you in lies or anything, just to help you understand your own feelings and motivations. Basically, nothing good can come of a motivation that is't clear, because if that's the case you don't really know what it is and it will have the capability of knocking you off your feet somewhere down the line. Simple example is just that you tell yourself this means nothing to you, but it actually does, you become invested with this guy, it goes off the rails, and instead of walking away like you don't care, you get hurt. Because you weren't actually as ambivalent as you were telling yourself.

Then you have to look at the chances of this thing succeeding to begin with (as in a longterm - maybe even permanent - rewarding relationship for you), which seems pretty unlikely mainly given his situation. Is he going to be wiling to give up custody of his kids for you and be limited to every other weekend visitation, give up half of his assets to his wife, etc.? You may be the catch of a lifetime hon but even so that would be a tall order. He'd basically have to partially ruin himself for you. All that leaves then is being the 'other woman' - business trip interludes and the like, maybe he'll even sneak off to a local hotel with you once in a while. I'm not going to attempt to judge for you if that's worth it, but if it were me I'd think it was a bad deal.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and make a practical suggestion that may not be looked on too favorably by others here (except rcoreyus lol) - go have lots of physical, sexual fun with this guy, get it out of your system, and then sever the ties. He's already a philanderer, so working it out some more won't really change that. But the longterm prospects are just dire for all involved, so woman up and cut that part off. Get yours, and then get out.