[Millner]

Okay, so you've had a rocky road (like many of us lol). You said in your first post that you felt a sense of peace with the new guy (before the Facebook reveal). Those two things seem to suggest that you're craving contentment, which is nothing unusual. It doesn't square so good with being ambivalent about it like you say tho. I'm not pointing that out to try to catch you in lies or anything, just to help you understand your own feelings and motivations. Basically, nothing good can come of a motivation that is't clear, because if that's the case you don't really know what it is and it will have the capability of knocking you off your feet somewhere down the line. Simple example is just that you tell yourself this means nothing to you, but it actually does, you become invested with this guy, it goes off the rails, and instead of walking away like you don't care, you get hurt. Because you weren't actually as ambivalent as you were telling yourself.

Then you have to look at the chances of this thing succeeding to begin with (as in a longterm - maybe even permanent - rewarding relationship for you), which seems pretty unlikely mainly given his situation. Is he going to be wiling to give up custody of his kids for you and be limited to every other weekend visitation, give up half of his assets to his wife, etc.? You may be the catch of a lifetime hon but even so that would be a tall order. He'd basically have to partially ruin himself for you. All that leaves then is being the 'other woman' - business trip interludes and the like, maybe he'll even sneak off to a local hotel with you once in a while. I'm not going to attempt to judge for you if that's worth it, but if it were me I'd think it was a bad deal.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and make a practical suggestion that may not be looked on too favorably by others here (except rcoreyus lol) - go have lots of physical, sexual fun with this guy, get it out of your system, and then sever the ties. He's already a philanderer, so working it out some more won't really change that. But the longterm prospects are just dire for all involved, so woman up and cut that part off. Get yours, and then get out.

I've actually thought about that......especially based on some other things going through my head right now that wouldn't make sense if I tried explaining it right now lol I do worry that if things go emotional what would happen when it ends (yes, I say when because no I'm not holding out for a long term.....sure it runs through my head but I'm being realistic here). I wouldn't want to be enemies with him, wouldn't want to have things be awkward in a bad way. we are both involved in another area of our careers (not directly but there are many trips that involve this throughout the year)
Besides, it's safer to have fun and get it out of my system and leave it at that.....

[jen1447]

One problem with that tho is while you can get sex with him out of your system, you can't just get sex itself out of your system and be done having sex lol. (No one is ever 'done' having sex, as far as I've ever known.) And since he's the one providing it atm, it may be harder to quit him if it means going cold turkey. Maybe find a replacement before you let him go so when the time comes you can do it quickly and decisively?

[Millner]

One problem with that tho is while you can get sex with him out of your system, you can't just get sex itself out of your system and be done having sex lol. (No one is ever 'done' having sex, as far as I've ever known.) And since he's the one providing it atm, it may be harder to quit him if it means going cold turkey. Maybe find a replacement before you let him go so when the time comes you can do it quickly and decisively?

yes, I'm all over it like white on rice
unless something else happens, we won't be meeting up until beginning of next month. so far, just chatting.
you know I was talking to a good friend of mine who had an affair on his wife and I asked him to truthfully tell me why he did that. he said things weren't going well in his marriage and he was too scared and nervous to "just get a divorce" and also he was worried about his kids. fortunately, he finally is getting a divorce and seems much happier. you know, the older I get the more complicated things get in relationships.......I mean it definitely sucks for the spouse when their husband or wife cheats however is it really that hard to notice signs? (I'm asking seriously here...) I mean when I was dating guys and had the few that cheated on me, I noticed red flags and became more cautious with a wall slowly going up. doesn't the same thing happen in marriages?

[jen1447]

According to the BF, spouses pretty much always know. Eventually.

[Millner]

and that's the thing....eventually. But, if they are suspicious while it's going on, most don't do anything about it or just complain to their friends or whatever. Yes, I'm on the "receiving" end so to speak but if my spouse cheated on me I would find a way to fix it whether it be having a conversation on how to make the marriage better or leaving him.

[jen1447]

I guess things aren't always so simple for many couples, unfortunately. Sometimes the issues that lead to affairs develop over years and show themselves in the form of slowly growing mistrust and resentment - not exactly the kinds of feelings that make you want to come together.

[atskitty2]

Be careful with that millner, as it seems you're implying that if the spouse doesn't see the signs, or figure it out that the situation is their own fault...I don't think that's what you mean, but it sort of reads that way. That sort of blame the "victim" train of thought isn't attractive on anyone

Anyway, Some people genuinely trust their SO, maybe naïvely so, but if they trust their spouse they may have no reason to question, especially if the signs are subtle & there's no history of cheating or even dishonesty.

Some men and women are incredibly good at lying and creating scenarios that are believable.

I hate to admit also, but some folks are just not very intelligent or observant, and they just don't recognize suspicious behaviors.

Some people know there's cheating going on and accept it for many of their own personal reasons.

I can see why and understand Jens perspective and her suggested course of action. My thought is, if you're essentially going to just use him for sex, why not just go bang a single man and remove yourself from the potential drama?
Personally I wouldn't want to contribute or be a party to, in any way to the deterioration of a marriage. I completely agree with Jen that he's a philanderer and no doubt, if it isn't you, it'll be someone, but it wouldn't be me...
I don't know, just seems like a lot of potential trouble for a fairly minor reward.

[dreams1961]

Adultery is illegal and spouse can sue

[jen1447]

That's quite untrue as far as illegality of adultery goes ...unless you're talking about North Korea or someplace like that. Otherwise no, not illegal. You'll find no one being prosecuted in western countries for having an affair.

Even private civil lawsuits are dubious, it would have to be associated with some sort of pain and suffering claim. Affairs more commonly only come into consideration in matters of child custody or divorce settlements. I've never heard of one being the sole source of a lawsuit. You'd have to find an attorney willing to go out on a limb on very shaky legal ground, and even then it would have to pass the pre-litigation legitimacy test, which seems very unlikely, again unless you could demonstrate some profound pain and suffering. There's little legal precedent for that. Chances are a suit based on adultery alone would be dismissed before it got anywhere near trial.

dreams1961, you seem to be going around in various similar threads spinning this tale .....my guess is you're grinding an ax and want to 'fix' the injustices of the world with misinformation. You're doing no one any favors that way.

[rcoreyus]

People post from other countries, so it is possible that Dreams1961 is from somewhere where adultery is illegal. Adultery is not illegal in the US, but there may be states that do not have no-fault divorce where it could effect a divorce. (anyone know?).

It is interesting that divorce is legal in the US where it is viewed much more negatively than things (like pot-smoking) that are illegal (most places). I don't wan to change it, but it results in strange situations, like people committing felonies to hide something that isn't even illegal.