[effy2014]

Let me start by stating emphatically that, while this was inspired by responses to Chaya's thread, it in no way reflects on her decision making.

My question is this: When or if you tell your partner that you have cheated. To me, if it was a one-off, and by that I mean something that happened by mistake and will not happen again, I wouldn't want my SO to tell me about it. Ignorance is bliss. If the only reason she is telling me is to assuage her guilt, live with the guilt. She should carry the guilt around for her penance. Don't ruin my life and make me live the experience because you want to unburden yourself. To me, it is just plain cruel.

That said, if the reason for the affair affects her feelings about the relationship (which I would put Chaya's situation being in love with her friend), then she MUST tell me and we can patch the hole in the relationship and move on or split up. My usual belief is that affairs are symptoms of a bad relationship and not the cause (just like the lack of intimacy). They can be worked through and a better relationship can evolve.

[atskitty2]

If the only reason she is telling me is to assuage her guilt, live with the guilt. She should carry the guilt around for her penance. Don't ruin my life and make me live the experience because you want to unburden yourself. To me, it is just plain cruel.

That said, if the reason for the affair affects her feelings about the relationship (which I would put Chaya's situation being in love with her friend), then she MUST tell me and we can patch the hole in the relationship and move on or split up. My usual belief is that affairs are symptoms of a bad relationship and not the cause (just like the lack of intimacy). They can be worked through and a better relationship can evolve.

I believe it's best to tell. I don't believe carrying that guilt is going to promote healthy habits in the relationship, and that's the objective.
I don't think an attitude of punishment will help either, but forgiveness, understanding and growing.

I also believe that it's symptomatic of deeper problems and I think if the relationship can be saved, keeping secrets that directly impact the relationship isn't the way to do it.

I would rather know. I think the act of confessing that is, in itself, a demonstration of willingness to make the changes and open up the discussion of the real problems. I would prefer to have all the info to make decisions.

[DreamP346]

I agree with effy. I think the reason for the cheating is important. If it was because I met one of my celebrity 5 and just HAD to have sex with this person because it was a once in a life thing, then keep it a secret. Not saying it's an excuse, but nothing will be gained from telling. But if I cheat because I'm unhappy with my partner, then that needs to be discussed.

[Patti-here]

If I ever did cheat I'd tell my G/F I don't want to be saddled with a guilt trip.

[effy2014]

If I ever did cheat I'd tell my G/F I don't want to be saddled with a guilt trip.

My point precisely. You get relieved of your guilt but your partner has to deal with your cheating even though it will never be repeated. I don't think it is an even trade.

[effy2014]

I believe it's best to tell. I don't believe carrying that guilt is going to promote healthy habits in the relationship, and that's the objective.
I don't think an attitude of punishment will help either, but forgiveness, understanding and growing.

I also believe that it's symptomatic of deeper problems and I think if the relationship can be saved, keeping secrets that directly impact the relationship isn't the way to do it.

I would rather know. I think the act of confessing that is, in itself, a demonstration of willingness to make the changes and open up the discussion of the real problems. I would prefer to have all the info to make decisions.

I absolutely agree if it was symptomatic of the relationship. But take Sp's example. George Clooney meets and is so enthralled with SP that he just has to have sex with her . . . he jets off to Cannes and SP has the great memory. Odds of that happening again (sorry SP) are minimal. Telling her partner does nothing to help the relationship -- it will have the effect of ruining it for some time even if they eventually work things out.

[Patti-here]

My point precisely. You get relieved of your guilt but your partner has to deal with your cheating even though it will never be repeated. I don't think it is an even trade.

I don't think she'd hold it against me once I explained the circumstances. and it would be a one off thing.

[Stillness]

My relationship with my wife is sacred. I don't even flirt with other women to keep it that way. It's blessed. If either one of us violated it then the other has the right to know.

[rcoreyus]

I think that it is very situation dependent. Will telling or not telling do more harm. Lets say a married person with children cheats once. If they think their spouse will leave them, are they really making anyone's life better by telling?

[atskitty2]

Well, sharing the info with that person doesn't absolve us the guilt, if we feel any, for what we've done. I still feel some level of sorry for mistakes I've made many years ago, that I confessed and was forgiven for.

And, I kind of think if I were capable of cheating for any reason and not feel some remorse or betrayal in my actions, that's a problem in itself.

And if we are dealing in hypothetical, still, why would I violate the commitment and trust? the one I committed to has a right to know I shared my intimacy with someone else. I think it's indicative of a problem in a committed relationship when you choose to go outside those bounds for even a once in a lifetime chance. I think it still shows some level of dissatisfaction that probably needs addressed.