[Romy]

Such a complicated situation on so many levels so not easy to answer and given most answers on this post a hypothetical unless you're actually in a situation that leads to an affair you don't always know how you'll react. I say this because a very dear close friend is married to a man while older husband needed his prostate removed. Four years after surgery they still have not had sex as his is not able to get an erection. This has caused such an emotional toll on their relationship. He backed away from all things sex and she felt neglected and unloved. They have young children and an otherwise happy marriage (gauging on looking from the outside in) and as happy as a sexless marriage can be. My friend said her husband feels guilt because he cannot be a "real man" for her and she feels guilt because she misses sex and the intimacy this brings to a relationship but is aware not to put pressure on him and make him feel even worse. Last year she ran into a male friend from long long ago and one thing lead to another and after some months the two slept together. She was a mess for weeks. But now they meet up for regular sex and she says her needs for physical intimacy are now being met as are his. It's not for me to judge my friend - it's her life. I listen to her and the way she puts (justifies I guess) it I can see where she's coming from and why she wouldn't want to tell her husband. It would kill him if he knew and what another slap in the face to him to have her confess. It would only make things horrible on the home front and destroy a family. Who knows, he may just know and turn a blind eye to it. My friend is the last person on earth you would ever think would do this and to this day I'm still surprised she told me (we've been friends for 30years). Having witnessed what's gone on I just don't know what I would do if I was in her situation. I like to think I take my marriage vows seriously but to imagine no sex for the rest of my life from the age of 37 is a tough thought to bear. I will never judge anyone or tell them what to do in this respect. I just know that telling her husband (knowing them as a couple and family like I do) would only serve as a reason to end the marriage.

That was a short version.....it goes a lot deeper but it would probably put you all to sleep.

[Something_Awesome]

I would want to be told... I have a lot of mental fortitude (which I am sure many of you may doubt).

You'd be surprised at a lot of the things I have had to endure in my short life. I am a worrier at heart, but nothing can really ever break me.

[Stillness]

Great comment Romy.

For the life of me I just cannot get people who don't want sex checking out on meeting their mate's needs. I don't think cheating is ever excused, but leaving your spouse unfulfilled is playing with fire.

I wonder what would have happened if your friend told her husband that she was very unsatisfied and that maintaining her vows was difficult if he would have stepped up.

[Romy]

Great comment Romy.

For the life of me I just cannot get people who don't want sex checking out on meeting their mate's needs. I don't think cheating is ever excused, but leaving your spouse unfulfilled is playing with fire.

I wonder what would have happened if your friend told her husband that she was very unsatisfied and that maintaining her vows was difficult if he would have stepped up.

You know what Stillness I agree with you that it's playing with fire to leave a spouse unfulfilled. I know for a fact all avenues were exhausted the last one being that they went meeting with people in similar situations and it achieved nothing. He knows she's unsatisfied and I know tries to make up for this in other ways - he loves her. It's a really really sad situation. I know my friend hates herself for what she's done but that human need for touch and intimacy is strong. Whose to say how all this will end for them. It's likely their choice will create collateral damage which is equally sad that innocent people will be hurt. So messy and I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone.

[Something_Awesome]

Romy, that's a sad story. Personally, if I had the same prostate issue where I could not have an erection, I would ask my wife to divorce me. I've always felt if during our marriage I got crippled or anything of the sort, that I would not pass on the burden to my wife. If life wants to be a jerk to me, why should someone else also have to pay for it? I would not want my wife to also bare my burden. I'd let her go.

That's how I'd show my love anyway. Love in that I care about her happiness enough to let her go enjoy life on her own or with someone else. Yeah it would hurt for both of us in the beginning, but in the long run it would be best.

I understand the vows, but at the same time I do not blame the guy's wife. And I guess it sort of relates to Chaya's situation, except her husband's issue wasn't the prostate, but something else (from what I gather).

[effy2014]

You know what Stillness I agree with you that it's playing with fire to leave a spouse unfulfilled. I know for a fact all avenues were exhausted the last one being that they went meeting with people in similar situations and it achieved nothing. He knows she's unsatisfied and I know tries to make up for this in other ways - he loves her. It's a really really sad situation. I know my friend hates herself for what she's done but that human need for touch and intimacy is strong. Whose to say how all this will end for them. It's likely their choice will create collateral damage which is equally sad that innocent people will be hurt. So messy and I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone.

I'm curious if the physical condition also caused a lack of sexual desire in him as well as the physical lack of an erection, or if that was an emotional response to his inability to become erect. I ask because there are penile implants for this specific purpose -- to enable a man to become erect where one is not physically possible. Did he seek therapy for the emotional issue? While I really do feel for him, it seems like he quit on her.

I certainly understand this for the wife's perspective. Physical touch and sexuality are essential in relationships. I can also see why she wouldn't tell and he would turn a blind eye. But if the relationship were great on every other level, wouldn't he want to please her orally or in other ways?

[effy2014]

Romy, that's a sad story. Personally, if I had the same prostate issue where I could not have an erection, I would ask my wife to divorce me. I've always felt if during our marriage I got crippled or anything of the sort, that I would not pass on the burden to my wife. If life wants to be a jerk to me, why should someone else also have to pay for it? I would not want my wife to also bare my burden. I'd let her go.

That's how I'd show my love anyway. Love in that I care about her happiness enough to let her go enjoy life on her own or with someone else. Yeah it would hurt for both of us in the beginning, but in the long run it would be best.

I understand the vows, but at the same time I do not blame the guy's wife. And I guess it sort of relates to Chaya's situation, except her husband's issue wasn't the prostate, but something else (from what I gather).

You are a great guy -- I mean that. But you fall on the sword too quickly. Your love and emotional bond with your wife would lead you to creative solutions -- an implant, drugs to improve your desire, therapy to deal with the Erectile Disfunction etc.

You also miss the other side of relationship. Your wife has an equally amazing bond with you. I know that you would "release her", but I would bet the farm, so to speak, that she wouldn't go. She would stick around and help you through this.

I am sure that people who get untreatable diseases that have nasty side effects would feel the same way. But life partners, people who really love us, rarely quit. Think of the reverse. I would bet the farm that you would be by her side no matter what. It's who you are.

[jen1447]

I think Romy's story goes to show that there are almost always exceptions to any rule, and that most things have to be judged on their own merits. I don't think it really affects the legitimacy of the basic tell/share position for most people tho - just a fairly extreme case that calls for extreme measures.

SumSum, another way to look at the scenario with SAGF - you'd in a way be rejecting her (assuming she's not capable of handling your situation), which might just make her feel miserable and rejected and a failure for the rest of her life. Not exactly a favor. I will say that if both parties agreed to the premise that it wasn't ideal - her saying she had too much life to live yet to be a fulltime caretaker and you not wanting her to be that - separating would be the best thing to do. It's hard to imagine that in the Hollywood sense but I assume the reality could be quite different.

My only anecdotal info about this is that I once indirectly knew a young guy (20s) who was dying. He had a GF of similar age and when he got the news that he was terminal he had a talk with her and urged her to walk away because he was officially a dead-end for her - no future and certain pain and suffering watching him die. She did it anyway and wouldn't leave him that way, which probably actually gave him great comfort in his last weeks but was indeed hell on her. She suffered more than I think anyone who hasn't been thru that can imagine - for basically years afterward, not just those few weeks. That was quite a long time ago and I think she's finally moved on now and is married, kids, etc. The point is, it was basically a death sentence for her as much as it was for him, but she did it anyway because that's who she was. In a weird way she probably needed to ....she ruined her life for several years probably but she set new standards for dignity. I assume the experience is now deeply entrenched in her identity - she's now the person who did that, not the one who took a pass. Your GF might be the same way Something. Don't underestimate her.

[atskitty2]

That's a very compelling story Romy tells and it's sad. I still don't necessarily think it's the best choice to have the "affair" and not tell. I do think there's damage when lies and deceitfulness enter the picture.
I picture a man with utmost respect and admiration for his wife, who he thinks is standing by him for better or worse, when in reality she's taking care of her needs elsewhere. We don't know that he knows and turns a blind eye, we just hope so

Please don't mistake my thought here, I think a person deserves gratification, but I hope it can be done without misleading our partner. Why not have a discussion about how to fulfil her sexual needs without having to go behind his back. Maybe they did, i don't know. He may have consented to her having a partner, given his inability to satisfy.

It is an outlier... That's not a scenario many of us will face, thankfully.

[atskitty2]

I'd like to tell my own personal story, on this count, just didn't have the chance to spend the time or emotional energy to type it out. I think my story could be used to demonstrate that either way, telling or not, is correct. But this is another reason why I'm so convinced it's better to tell.

My marriage began having some problems about 4-5 years in. We were losing our teammate mentality, slowly, through work & other involvements, just not seeing each other & investing time in our relationship. We each would periodically say, "we need to take some time for each other", but we never did it. During this time, he lost 2 very important people in his life, was devastated by it & I got a promotion at work. He locked up the grief of the losses, and I had become more focused on work. He then took a buyout of his long-time job, and went back to school for a year. There was an increasing distance between us, physically, emotionally, mentally, socially...We'd go for months with no sex, often days without even seeing each other, just due to schedules & commitments.
We'd gone to pre-marital counseling & I had gone back to this woman when these issues started creeping in. He went along a few times as well.

In 2009, I went to San Diego on business. There were ladies there with similar interests & all over-worked & stressed out like me, mostly married as well. We went out for an evening, to relax & enjoy some of the nightlife. At a bar, where I'd only had a couple drinks, there were some Navy boys who came to entertain the old women cackling at the center table. It turned into a flirtatious encounter with all of us, naturally. We were all mid-thirties to forties, attractive & obviously just having a fun night out. They were early twenties & fresh off the ship, so they said, and gorgeous!
Long story short, during all the flirting, games & playing around, I let one of them kiss me. It was "innocent" enough, closed mouth peck. I instantly felt some thing inside me well up & I had to excuse myself to the restroom. One of my colleagues was in there too, and she said something to the effect that I looked like I'd never fooled around on my husband, and that they do it all the time. I didn't respond, just left, hailed a cab & went back to my room.

I laid there all that night, contemplating what it meant, that I'd allowed something to go so far. That I'd allowed another man to touch me. My mind raced all night, and all the next day.

On the plane home, I decided I had to tell him. It was a "cry for help" and I didn't even realize how far apart we really had drifted. We HAD to take some action to save our marriage. This is the catalyst...this will jolt him to reality that our problems are serious and that intervention is necessary.
I had called him and told him to clear some time for me asap, that we had to have a serious discussion. I told him every single thing I could remember about that night - the things that mattered, the things that didn't. I was in tears (which is rare for me) and I poured out my heart to my husband. I told him all that I'd been talking to our counselor about (again) and what I'd done in SD, and how I felt about what I had done, and what I still felt about him. I told him I feared we were losing our marriage & that if we both don't make changes, we will lose our marriage. I told him this is a symptom of the disconnect that has occurred, that I don't want another man touching me in any romantic way,etc, etc....on & on. I told him I longed for him to touch me or even just SEE him, etc etc. I bared my soul to him, I really did.

He said, "so you didn't sleep with him?" No, I didn't. "That's still cheating in my eyes", he said. Mine too. "Thanks for telling me, I'm glad you did".

That was about all that was said...I couldn't get him to talk about it that day - I gave him some time to process that news, and tried to get him to open up later. He wouldn't. "It's ok, it's all over". I continued w/my counselor, told her what I'd done & his response to it. I knew shortly after that day, that our marriage was essentially over. I never got him back to the counselor with me, and I never got him talking, although I still tried. I tried planning a getaway for us, but he couldn't/wouldn't clear his schedule. We just kept drifting.

Probably a year or so later, I started finding evidence that he was cheating. I've often wondered if it was going on back in '09, and that's why his response to mine was minimal, or if he just truly couldn't cope-he'd been through so much. The final straw was in 2011 when I found unmistakable proof of him on a dating web site. When I confronted him, he denied it, and has to this day. He moved a woman into the house right after the divorce was final.

So, I tell this story, to make a point that, sometimes telling the SO what has happened will reveal their own level of awareness, willingness & commitment to the relationship. That's exactly what it did for me. This man knew me since I was 14, been best friends for most of our lives, and he had never seen me behave in such an emotional, visceral way and his response was indifference. It told me that he'd already checked out of our marriage. He was maintaining the marriage for appearances only, and for comfort. He asked me the day before we went to court, suggested I can still move home & nobody will be the wiser - it won't be in the paper & he hadn't told everyone that I'd moved out...

After the divorce, he acknowledges the cheating I did, as well as every thing I ever did wrong, to the whole world...maintaining his perfection in their eyes. I've told close friends & only close family my side of the events if they ask.

Anyway, we cannot improve or change a situation that we don't acknowledge is flawed. In a marriage, that takes both participants acknowledging & working on it. That's just impossible if one person doesn't have all the information pertinent to the situation. Sometimes it says, Hey! This is how serious this is, that I did something so terribly out of character for me...this is how dissatisfied I am...please help me, please help US!

I still regret that night. I will never forget it. But somehow, I feel that if it hadn't happened, I'd still be in that miserable marriage, floating along thinking we'll work it out, that he'll come around. When in reality, he'd really left me long before I realized it.