[calibri~]

Thanks effy.

Atskitty, I've taken the morning after pill a couple of times and it was OK cos it's a one off dose. To clarify, by accident I mean broken condom, not 'forgetting'....

[calibri~]

I'm not sure exactly how I diffused the reaction that SO has every time I mention contraceptives. His initial reaction was emotional, not rational. I just restated the current situation, which was that I didn't see the point in me taking these pills because on them I'm either bleeding or having a headache and therefore not interested in 'stuff'. He first told me all about how I had a history of making up symptoms and that he thought it was in my head. So I asked how I was able to will myself to bleed so often, and how I managed to get a 'fake' migraine the day before the irregular bleeds start? How do I know that's when I need to fake a migraine? Eh? That's silly. So although I admitted I shouldn't read the side effects of all my meds and scour the internet for the worst case scenarios, that didn't detract from the current physical situation I had. I asked what he thought I / we should do. He first got a bit angry, and frustrated as he was probably expecting me to say he should get the snip...but I asked him to put his feelings aside and think practically. He said I should ask a Dr....well I did, they said if I can tolerate the side effects then fine, otherwise our only other option is barrier. So how about I take a couple of months break, check that my 'symptoms' go away, them try again with one that disagreed with me years ago but may be better than this!

I think I finally realised that my SO does not think with his head, it only takes the slightest trigger to get his defenses up, when none are required. So every discussion escalates to an argument because he cannot be objective about most situations.
Like the work trip. I don't want to be stressed and wonder if he will stressed out. When I ask his opinion he gets defensive and says he won't go then, gets sulky and moody and starts going on about how it's my fault he hasn't had a holiday. I like to think that the normal response would be to consider that although he'd love to go with me, he gets quite stressed himself when travelling, and if I will be able to stay calm and perform better without him there, then maybe I should go alone. No guilt, no emotional baggage, just practical logical opinions.

Do you think I'm too cold? Thats just the way I am. There is a time and place for emotion, and in most decision making, there is seldom room for it.

[effy2014]

I think I finally realised that my SO does not think with his head, it only takes the slightest trigger to get his defenses up, when none are required. So every discussion escalates to an argument because he cannot be objective about most situations.

**************

Do you think I'm too cold? Thats just the way I am. There is a time and place for emotion, and in most decision making, there is seldom room for it.

Defensiveness is not emotional thinking. It is the inability to be criticized or take personal responsibility. My favorite phrase for those types is "he may not always be right, but he is always certain". It gets to be a habit -- if you feel under attack, the best way too deal with it is to take the offensive and blame you, whether or not it makes logical sense. Unfortunately, it takes a lot of practice to kick the habit. It is part of couples therapy in relationship communication.

As for being cold, you are far from it. You have put up with a great deal in keeping the relationship together when cold hearted decision making would have led you in a different direction. As the the great philosopher Popeye once said "I am who I am".

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Another label he's added to your thought pattern, or two really, hypochondriac and cold.

Just because someone you communicate with can't hear you, can't feel you and makes a claim doesn't mean that, that's true.

I sometimes feel if you didn't bother communicating things to him, he wouldn't get defensive even though I can't for the life of me see how anyone can feel it's their fault over women's things, oh yes I can, he could have the snip. It's a shame that the very person you should converse with about your life and what is in it, should be your partner but in this case, you never can.

But, we can't bottle things up and handle everything in life ourselves either. If he won't work on communication maybe stop communicating so much with him. It will be his loss and your gain.

His loss because eventually you'll give up, find someone who will and live peacefully and happier and that becomes your gain.

Having said that, as he is so sensitive and combative and over the top You made the decision to take him with you, then went into panic mode and told him. That's a put down on his side which he maturely can't take and so the ball rolls yet again. Perhaps again, think it, don't speak it, see what happens and breathe deeply, in these situations. Concentrate on you, your goal, your mission and go for a walk if he creates havoc so you can breathe and concentrate. As it turned out he wasn't so bad.

You know though? That should have been a fun and exciting trip for you "both" yet both went away in fear .

You have emotional baggage, him. The practicality of it all is, the two personalities aren't a match and I can't see this changing.

Each time I read anything you write about him, it reminds me of my ex. If I could have changed him (though I don't believe we should change anyone, each to their own, each person should be themselves, if we aren't with someone compatible and make an error, so be it, leave), I would have and would still be married today.

Wait, I am going to be? Just to a better person who would listen about the period problem and would ask how I am and would give me breathing space away for work but would also make me laugh and enjoy myself.

Don't you deserve that as well?

[calibri~]

Ah chandlers wish. I have an exquisite case of hypochondriosis or health anxiety that is recognised by my medical team! SO didn't call me cold, I was just curious if that was how I came across.

A few days off the dreaded pills and I feel absolutely awesome. I'm relaxed, enthusiastic, unfatigued, not depressed or anxious, starting to sleep better, and I've spent pretty much the whole day just smiling because I feel like it. I just feel... Happy. As in, not depressed. I mean, some stuff hasn't gone perfectly, but I'm not getting stressed over it, just effortlessly either putting it to one side, or starting a fixing plan.

I've been playful with SO and he hasn't been mean at all. Oh gosh, I wonder how much of this whole situation has been down to hormonal caused depression...eek.

Honestly, hormones have a LOT to answer for!

[Farmer by trade]

So good to hear that things are much better. I keep checking back to see how you are doing. I understand the anxiety issues and hope you can keep things positive. Keep us up-to-date.

I know I said this in earlier posts but I encourage you to find ways to improve your intimacy as a couple. Sex is important. It is almost like a drug for a guy. It makes them want to be with you, do things for you. You be amazed how your relationship can change but being sexually active with your SO. Let us know how that side of the relationship is going as well.

[calibri~]

Well farmer, as I've been in such a better mood, SO felt comfortable asking me to do some sexual things for him last night. As I wasn't feeling like crap I was happy to oblige. I'd already bought some condoms in the morning just in case, to kind of let him know that off the pill didn't mean still no sex, so I guess that encouraged him.

[Farmer by trade]

Good to hear. I imagine that SO will be a little reluctant to bring up the subject so you may have to lead on the intimacy front until he realizes something is different. I'm sure he will be a quick learner. What drives me crazy as in good crazy is when when my wife comes up to me earlier in the day and while giving me a hug whispers in my ear that she wants to make love tonight. The anticipation is incredible. The other thing that I think is important is non-sexual touch through the day when opportunities arise. Can be tough when you are apart but when together make a point of it.

This brings me to the relationship. You should see a more caring attitude and feeling coming from the increased intimacy. Try to get to making love 2-3 times per week and then let us know how the other aspects of the relationship are.

[calibri~]

Well farmer, SO has had the courage to ask me in still a kind of embarrassed way, do "something" for him, three times so far this week. He seems to be enjoying this but sadly it's been so long that he's forgotten what foreplay is and is too tired to make significant efforts on that front so the brief condom usage was kind of Meh and we stopped because he claims he can't cum in a condom...never used to be a problem deario... He's been spoilt. During today's manual assistance, I asked him to cum over me rather than hold it in his foreskin but no...too much mess sayeth he. Considering I knew I wasn't going to get any attention (even a back rub would be nice) I found that a bit unfair.
I'm pretty forthright about things sexual or otherwise, so I find it weird that SO is so ashamed and timid when talking about sex. He gets this childish whisperous tone in his voice and tells me I'm shouting because he thinks the neighbours might hear me say the word "male chicken". Well, Im sure they can't hear and I wouldn't die of mortification of they did, it'd give them something to giggle over. We'll see how the weeks go on.
I'm still waiting for that bunch of flowers I challenged him to get me this week. Hopefully he'll stop being such a lazy lover and do something other than just lie there while I fulfill his wishes...

[Farmer by trade]

Time to stop having sex and to start making love. This it where you start setting some ground rules. If you want a back rub that comes before anything else. Start taking more control of your love making. Tell him what you want either verbally or by directing his hands or other body parts. I'm not a big fan of "doing me a favor stuff. You are making love together. You are not a $5 hooker so don't allow him to just please himself. If he wants you then he looks after you first. Tell him what is going to happen until he gets it.

Nothing wrong with a good back or foot rub or both for that matter. My SO often gets the foot rub as it help her get in the mood shall we say. If he is "too tired" tell him to go to bed and we will consider again in a few days. The key thing here is that we do things for each other and there is no one sided sex. It's all about creating intimacy TOGETHER!

As for the flowers. Tell him with a smile on your face or a devilish grin that you will bust his balls if comes home tomorrow without those flowers.

He might take some time but hopefully we can get him whipped into shape.