[stressed]

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[sourpuss]

The reason you feel so awful is because he DOES prefer it to you. At this point, you need to decide if this is something you are willing to live with. If it's not, then unfortunately, you need to move on.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He had been single for many years and such visual stimulation was the only thing he had. I think he used to watch almost every day before I moved in with him.

You can't change a man who's been living alone with porn for 7 years. It's just not possible.

Your correct... but it's not Porn, it's you "can't change someone" full stop...

He may hold his penis and enjoy images, but he's not a sexual person in an "intimate" environment, only with himself.. That is how he has been, your 25 so he's 25? So, from the moment he became a young man...

He has never connected with a woman in an "intimate" way, read books on how to please a woman, what works where, felt a woman sexually and found all her hidden spots ( as we are all different), experienced her orgasming on-going from the way he touches, penetrates her... all those things.

All he sees on "Porn" is "sex".. two people having sex... and that's all he's seen.

This isn't about you so put your self esteme back where it belongs This is about his maturity level where sex is concerned and experience and frankly, I don't think he wants to experience that deepness... perhaps he equates "intimacy" with love and love with pain, who knows.

But, it's not about you and the relationship isn't going to stand the time... As, your changing him to suit "your relationship", a normal relationship, but he doesn't want that change, including going out with his mates, drinking and being loud... this is who he is.

You've missed out on so much hun, 1 year pretty much without sex, 3 years together, 25 years of age, and rarely if ever, made to feel sexy and beautiful... Let's not continue down a road that can't turn the corner and climb the hill... Find what your looking for in life totally and don't settle for someone because you have a ring on your finger and because you were just past 21 when you met him, your young, not old sweet.

CW

[sourpuss]

What would it take for you to leave him?

[stressed]

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[stressed]

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[stressed]

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[sourpuss]

What would it take for me to leave him... I don't know. I guess I'm waiting for the final stroke that will make me stop loving and caring about him. I remember when I felt that the last two times I broke up, it's like something suddenly breaks within your chest and you just know that it's over. I've been close to feeling like this again, but I just haven't yet.

You don't have to stop caring about him, you only need to start caring about yourself. Simply loving and caring for someone isn't reason enough to be in a relationship with them. And the fear of being sad over a break up certainly isn't reason enough to stay in an unhealthy relationship, let alone marry someone.

[Hopeless Dork]

I, not unlike your boyfriend, spent many many years single... and when I say single I mean it. No sex, no making out, no dates, nothing, for years. I still had a sex drive, still masturbated, used porn, used chats, used talking dirty to strangers and webcam sex. Its all I knew or had for many years.

When I met my boyfriend and fell in love and felt what it is like to be intimate again with a human being -- in the flesh... that other stuff could never again compare. I had no desire for any of it.

I was able to change ways that were starting to hard-wire in to my brain of what I needed in order to 'get off'... and the change came naturally for me, it was no big struggle. I'll admit that in the beginning of our relationship.. I still had occasional urgest to chat with men on webcam... something about the attention, feeling sexy that was alluring to me -- but I just knocked it off and the longer I went without all that the less I thought about it.

And by the time me and my boyfriend decided to commit to be with only each other -- I was able to do so... not just physically but mentally as well.

He didn't transition as smoothly as me, he used porn for quite a bit of our relationship.. in some instances far more than he seemed to be interested in sex with me. I broke down and told him, not once but many , many many times -- how it made me feel and he'd tell me he didn't need it, but then there it would be, again.

I finally started telling him exactly what about it bothered me, the root of the issue...and it finally sunk in. I think at first he thought I was just being jealous, didn't want him looking at other women sexually , while that is not something I am at all happy about -- it wasn't the deal breaker for me. It was that we were not having as much sex as his porn usage indicated is drive would give.

I made it clear that I am not trying to steal his toys, he can have his fantasy time , but for the love of all things good... I want top billing if not than at least equally billing... but could not go on with him using porn more days per week than sleeping with me.

THAT... was something he could understand, that was something tangible, it wasn't some wide notion of me disliking his porn usage... it was me saying hey... I want more sex... if you have energy for porn... use it on me FIRST... porn gets whats left of your energy not vice versa.

This was not one magic conversation where it all just changed this was a process that took a while for him to understand that I love him, I want to be close to him as much as he has it in him to be close to me.

I'm not completely over it. When we don't have sex for a few days and I see he's used porn I get just as hurt as I use to. But the fact that he has made such a noticable effort to give more of his sexuality to me is what makes that hurting more tolerable.

While men seem to have this inherent need to be visual creatures with an appetite for variety... they must also understand that we have an inherent need for attention, to feel special and desired.

While usage of porn satifies that primal urge.. it directly contradicts ours. So in order to make things work there needs to be understanding on both sides, a way to meet in the middle to make sure each partner is happy and having their needs met.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I like what Sourpuss said

I don't know, seems that he had a "good relationship", then "gave up" maybe on women, non-trust, didn't, doesn't want to get hurt again and has buried himself behind this wall...

And, some men do mature, other's prefer to stay in their "batchelor" ways.

As Sourpuss said, "care about yourself", as your dad said " it's not your problem"...

As, I've noted in life, some guys just "cannot" let go of their past, to allow their future to begin.... as well..


CW