[allcried out]

During a recent argument my husband confessed that he watches porn! I caught him once before and when I asked him about it he said that it was the only time and that he was only watching it to get ready for our night of love making (which we did have that night). He said that he would never do it again and I believed him! I was so stupid. I trusted him so much. Now I just feel so sad. We have only been married 3 months and I can't imagine my life without him but I can't be with someone like that. He even told me in the past that he thinks people in relationships are pathetic for watching porn. He told me that he believes it's cheating.
So in the middle of the argument he just said he doesn't care if I know and claims he's watching porn to get back at me for not being a virgin when we married. -let me back this up a little. we go to school that is where we met. When we first started dating he asked me about some guy at school. I told him that there was never anything between us and well there was at one point before I met my husband. That was all in the past though.
The reason why I lied was because he already had major issues with the fact that I was not a virgin. He was Jealous of these guys who I don't ever even think about. any ways I knew he would react in a very bad way and that it would affect our relationship. I know it was wrong but now the truth is all out and the route of all our arguments is that and the fact that I am not a virgin. He told me that sometimes he's not attracted to me because he imagines these guys with me. -And later he also told me that I need to seduce him sometimes. He wants me to get Carmen Electra's strip video so I can strip for him. He said to me "why don't you do these things for me do you want me to go to some other women instead." So if he's not attracted to me he'll cheat on me? I took that as a threat.
His father has cheated on his mother and before this he has always told me of how he despises men that cheat on their wives. Does this mean he uses our issues as a way of justifying it for him or what? I'm all cried out and don't know what to do. He says if we argue it makes it worse for him because he thinks about this guy at our school with me so I'm afraid to talk to him because I don't want him to think these thing. When he does we get into huge scary fights. To top it off he has some frequent chest pain. He said he was born with a heart murmur and we think it might be related. We are broke college student who can't afford going to the doctor. I'm scared an argument will hurt him since it usually hurts when he's upset.
Please help my husband does not believe in counseling and I love him so much.

[allcried out]

Help me please

I don't know what to do. Please someone help me. Somebody please give me advice. I just got into another big fight with my husband. He says I'm a ***** because I slept with 4 guys before him. Two of them I almost married. Now he's telling me that he thinks about this guy ****ing me every time we get intimate and every time in between.He justifies watching porn because he says he feels like I cheated on him even though I didn't even know him when I was involved with these other guys. Will he ever stop thinking of me in this way or is my marriage over?

[amom]

Your husband is immature and immobile about what cannot be changed - I would plan to get rid of him soonest and find a man who is a man and not a grown-up baby.

[tinkerbell930]

Yikes, he does sound like he has an extreme insecurity problem. I understand that a husband/wife doesn't want to think about the other one with anyone else, but the reality is, it happens. You didn't mention if he has been with other girls before you. And if so, why should he be exempt from his own reasoning? Men are really one sided about a lot of things. It sounds like he needs to get some help for his jealousy. I am sure he will say that he doesn't have a problem and doesn't need help. The best thing for you to do is stand up for yourself and not feel like you need to explain why you were with anyone prior to him. Just tell him those are the facts and you don't dwell on them and neither should he. Tell him you have erased all images of ANY past experiences. IF he truly loves you and wants to make it work, he needs to get over wanting to punish you. Then you can work on loving each other. Jealousy is a killer. I feel that my past is somebody elses.....my husband makes me feel like I have never been made love to before....and I have been with a lot more men than you have, but those images are forever erased from my mind because of the feeling and amazing love we have together. There is no past for me or him...hope that helps a little.

[Guest]

I wish they would make porn disapear for ever

I am so sorry that he does that. I caught my BF doing that too we got in a huge fight i was going to leave him but i let him know how much he hurt me and he supposibly has stoped i keep a very close eye on him and ask him to tell me the truth i can tell if he is lying. A lot of guys mostly i would say every guy in the world looks at that crap a lot of them lie about it too. You probably will still leave him but before you do tell him and let him feel how bad he has hurt you. it is cheating and i think it is a sin in most religions too. But don't use that to tell him. ask him if you are not good enough for him? ask him why do you need that? Most likely he is unhappy with himself. You must be honest with him even if he is not let him know and let him feel your pain. I hate porn more than anything in this world.

[commonsense]

porn and cried out

I am so sorry that you are going through all this. I don't believe your husband is watching porn to get back at you. That's just something he wants to do anyway and he's using the lie to justify it so you want/can't say anything about it. Yes, men like sex initiated by YOU sometimes. That's an easy to do on your part. He has an unforgiving spirit. It's obvious that he wanted to marry a virgin. Yes, I do agree that you shouldn't have lied. Try not to do that on your sexuality in the future. You have a right not to divulge, however, how many partners you've had. That's really your business. You can just say you are not a virgin. You are not a *****. Any man that would call his wife that is verbally abusive and extremely insensitive. You say you love this man so I'm gonna give you a little bit of a break. You all need couseling badly. If you can't get couseling and he can't sincerely forgive you and put more time into loving you like the queen you are, you are doomed for a marriage of arguing and much sadness. When you get tired of his wickedness just dump him. There is a soulmate out there for you that will treat you the way you deserve!

[allcried out]

Thank you for responding. I love my husband very much and I honestly can't see myself without him. I agree with commonsense. I don't believe that he was watching porn to get back at me but I do believe he told me about it to get back at me. It's so funny because when we first started dating he stated that if he were to get married, he had a fear of being cheated on by his wife. He said that he hates the saying " you can look but don't touch" because he thought it was wrong to even look. He said that he thought watching porn was cheating. Can you imagine how happy I would been to here that? It is very rare to find a guy who thinks that way. I thought I had actually met "the perfect man". I was so happy that I found him and he was mine.
Early on in our relationship he told me that he watched porn in the past but now that he has me he doesn't need it any more. I guess he now feels that he needs it or maybe he was just working me? What do you think. Do you think he was just telling me what he thought I would like to here to win me over? All the things he said seemed really genuine though. On the other hand he was very romantic when we first met. Maybe he was just wooing me? All I know is that when we first met I though he was perfect and now I wish I still believed that.
I don't think I mentioned this but the reason he gave me for watching porn was to grow cold toward me because he wanted to fall out of love with me due to our problems and my past. He said he loved me too much to leave me and thought this would help him.
Now there is a lack of trust between us. He actually put spy ware on my computer to find out what I've been doing on the internet. Can you believe the irony! I found out and had him remove it in front of me. What he found was that I have been looking up his information ( e-mail ect..). That is so sad.-AND every time we get into a bad argument he ends up calling me a ***** and
I begin to pack my things because I no longer want to be near him but he apologizes and asks me to stay. The last time he called me that I called him a ***** back since he was not a virgin when I met him. I just don't know if he says that to hurt me because of his insecurities about it or if he really thinks that.-There is no way I could live a life of thinking my husband thinks that of me.
Shortly after I posted my first post about the issues he told me that he he has not watched porn in a while and that he would never do it again. I told him I didn't believe him because that's what he told me the first time. Well, when I said that he cried. He said that I didn't trust him and he cried. So I guess my question is, How can you tell if your husband doesn't watch porn anymore? I can a lot of times tell when my husband is lying but not always.
Things have been a lot better lately we don't fight as much and our sex life is existent again. I don't know what to think of whether he's been watching porn or not. I read that men who watch porn want less sex so maybe he hasn't been watching or maybe he has. -I just don't want to be surprised by thinking everything is good and find out later that it is not. I don't have anyone to talk to about this so this forum really helps me. Just putting these thoughts down in confidence is so helpful and your opinions are a plus of course.
I just want your opinions on what you ladies think based on what I have told you.
Thanks.

[amom]

I am so sorry that you are going through all this. I don't believe your husband is watching porn to get back at you. That's just something he wants to do anyway and he's using the lie to justify it so you want/can't say anything about it. Yes, men like sex initiated by YOU sometimes. That's an easy to do on your part. He has an unforgiving spirit. It's obvious that he wanted to marry a virgin. Yes, I do agree that you shouldn't have lied. Try not to do that on your sexuality in the future. You have a right not to divulge, however, how many partners you've had. That's really your business. You can just say you are not a virgin. You are not a *****. Any man that would call his wife that is verbally abusive and extremely insensitive. You say you love this man so I'm gonna give you a little bit of a break. You all need couseling badly. If you can't get couseling and he can't sincerely forgive you and put more time into loving you like the queen you are, you are doomed for a marriage of arguing and much sadness. When you get tired of his wickedness just dump him. There is a soulmate out there for you that will treat you the way you deserve!

...I was going to suggest professional counseling but I thought the guy was hopeless..if you really want to make a go of it with him you both need counseling badly.. a marriage like yours will not endure or it will sour you on life so badly you will not want to go on..

[tinkerbell930]

I agree with commonsense. You do need some counseling. If you go to church you can start there. Or check online for seminars on marriage in your area. I know churches put them on. Try Extrememarriage.com. Counseling is a must in your situation. IF he truly wants to be married to you, he will swallow his pride and stubborness and go with you. That will show you how much he is willing to do to keep you. It is like an alchoholic, if they truly WANT to quit, they will seek the help, no matter how it will make them feel. If he can't make BIG changes for you, then you need to walk away. Trust me, my husband was a HEAVY drinker and it caused a TON of problems for us. I told him that I would not watch him destroy us ANYMORE, and he quit drinking and hasn't had a drop in 4 months and we are going to church and counseling. He has shown me that he truly loves me and not his weakness. Our lives have become what I always wanted with him. Good luck!

[allcried out]

Thanks ladies but I already suggested counseling to him many times and he thinks he doesn't need help. See things are good with us most of the time but every once in a while we have big fights and that is when the issue comes back up. He has this whole thing about woman having guy friends. He thinks that no man has any business being friend with a married woman. He believes that the guy will always have bad intentions. My husband is more important to me so I cut all ties with my old male friends, even the married with kids friends. He always told me he doesn't have any female friends and now I found out that he talks to some friends from an old academic program from time to time. She doesn't live in the area and he claims she is engaged to be married. I was so ****ed off that he has these people's phone number and here I am an idiot who deleted all my male friends e-mail addresses and phone numbers.I've know these people for almost 10 years! He says woman are not like men they don't have bad intentions. They don't have bad intentions my ***! I told him woman are not as obvious as men when they do have bad intentions. I tried talking to him about it but we just argued. I was so tempted to just delete the numbers and e-mail addresses myself but then I wanted him to do it. I think I will just look up all my friends and get their info.- You ladies are probably thinking we have so many issues.
I think we have too many unresolved issues because he refuses to take care of it when it comes up. Then I have to bring it up repeatedly and look like I'm just always trying to pick fights. Don't get me wrong ladies he is a good husband most of the time. He takes care of me. He cooks for me, he's very affectionate. He is always telling me that he loves me and how happy that he is to have me. It is just we have these arguments and it's like he's someone else. Once after an argument he told me that part of him hates me and part of him loves me. I think he's really trying this time though because the small things he would pick fights with me about before, he doesn't any more, at least not as often.
-Do you think he can change without counseling. Do you think he could just stop watching porn and get over his problems about my past or do you think we will just keep having problems for years to come? How can I talk to him about his female friends? I don't think he will cheat on me but the fact that he was acting like he didn't have any female friend when he did really concerns me. All of this is just draining my energy. I hate it.