[LanaBear]

If you find it difficult to talk to him, write him a letter (not longer than one page, men are lazy readers and can miss the point). Tell him what you found, how you feel and how you don't know how to start this discussion. That you deserve to know if you are to be his wife.

It's such a difficult subject that you may want to avoid if you postpone it for too long and you will only feel worse for every day you don't talk about it. Weekend is a good time though, as it won't affect anyone's jobs.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've also come across something similar with my fiance.

I logged on to say the same thing. Write a letter. Not to give him, but to read to him.

We did an intervention for my sister a few years ago and it really is amazing how much writing a letter helps in these situations. Spend the next few days writing it, go over it a couple of times. That way, when Saturday comes, nerves won't get the best of you and you will have everything you need to tell him, stuff you thought of when you were not in the moment of talking about it.

It helps.

[Confused11]

I really like the idea of writing a letter, at least to clarify how I'm feeling myself and make sure I don't forget anything... thanks ladies...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You will know when is the right time and what to say.

No one can advise you on your own personal situation, geez ,every situation is different, yet anything that is close to home to someone will write, will give their thoughts, or more than likely "as per Lana's deletions. their personal journey and therefore anger of a simular thing.. OR response to someone that has written.

Talk to him.. Anyone that states, it is what it is is wrong... Everyone has their own individual problem..

It is difficult so speak to him and pose the questions that are on your mind.

Let us all remember, as Lana has pointed out, we are all "different" every situation is different and if your post is deleted as judgemental it's because it is... think ...

CW

[Confused11]

Thanks CW and LanaBear... I feel so supported by you both.

[LanaBear]

That's what we are here for! Don't be a stranger, there are plenty of friendships to be had here and your experiences/opinions are always great advice to someone else.

[Ashlee T.]

Confused - Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up because you "snooped". I think MissMeSha hit the nail on the head. One of our greatest gifts as women is our intuition. It's strong, and when we're in tune with ourselves, it can be overpowering if we try to ignore it. When ya love someone, and you suspect something, confront them and they totally 100% deny it........ you give them the benefit of the doubt and try to move on just like you did. But your intuition kept creeping in. And what would it have felt like to ignore that intuition......and then 5 years down the road be married and 100% invested in it, only to find out your husband is actively pursuing sexual relationships with others (regardless of their sex)??? You'd at that point be asking yourself why you didn't listen to your gut.

Sometimes the truth hurts, but you'll never regret knowing it as it may keep you from making what could be the biggest mistake of your life. Now....how to deal with that truth? The letter idea is a good one....gives you a chance to get your feelings down, exactly what you want to say. Tell him you want to read it to him and ask him to please listen to it and let you read the entire thing before he responds.

But....it's important to put all the details aside and really think about the cheating. He, regardless of how good he is in other areas, has lied to you and has come very closed to deceitfully trapping you into a marriage with someone totally different than you thought you'd be marrying. Please think about that. And please....whatever you do, don't make a decision like marriage because you feel like it's too far into it now to turn back, or because you fear you'll never find anyone else.

[Confused11]

...it's important to put all the details aside and really think about the cheating. He, regardless of how good he is in other areas, has lied to you and has come very closed to deceitfully trapping you into a marriage with someone totally different than you thought you'd be marrying. Please think about that. And please....whatever you do, don't make a decision like marriage because you feel like it's too far into it now to turn back, or because you fear you'll never find anyone else.[/QUOTE]

Thanks... I do forget that. I'm a little blinded by it all and reeling I guess. I've been writing my letter to him this morning. I was thinking of giving it to him and then going out for a few hours so he could digest it and then we could talk about it when I came home... maybe I should just read it to him. I'm just worried I'll end up crying.
I do feel like it's so close to getting married now - is it too late to pull out?, and I probably would never find someone so great again. Because, despite all this current disaster he has been the most wonderful, loving, romantic and supportive partner. One like I've never known before. The thought of throwing that all away terrifies me.

[Mes T]

is it too late to pull out?, and I probably would never find someone so great again. Because, despite all this current disaster he has been the most wonderful, loving, romantic and supportive partner. One like I've never known before. The thought of throwing that all away terrifies me.

It's never too late. Not even if you've been married for 20 years.

I think you're assuming that by talking about this with him, it'll end in a break-up. That's not necessarily true. If you're both willing to work through it, you can not only save your relationship, but the new honesty and openness can make it better than it EVER was.

If worse comes to worst, and you do break up, I have no doubt that you'll find someone equally as loving and wonderful (if not MORE so), AND someone who wants you and ONLY you.

[LanaBear]

I agree with Mes. It's never to late. It could be the day of the wedding and if you don't feel it in your heart, it's never too late.

I think you will feel a lot better after talking with him. You will have this off your chest. Don't let anyone talk you into the decision of to marry or not. It is a decision only you can make.

And you know what... It's okay to cry when you read this letter to him. It really is. You are not expected to be strong through this, but it is important for him to listen and for the both of you to talk about where your lives are now and what is expected of both of you in the future. All you know right now, is what you found and it sounds like there may be some holes in it. You both deserve the chance at letting the other know what you are feeling, so as much as he needs to listen to you, remember, you also need to listen to him.

[Ashlee T.]

Because, despite all this current disaster he has been the most wonderful, loving, romantic and supportive partner. One like I've never known before. The thought of throwing that all away terrifies me.

Do you think you'd feel this same way if you had caught him cheating with other women? Think of it that way, if you had found out he'd been putting out personal ads and meeting up for sex with other women, would you feel this same way? Would you still think of him in the way you described above? In my opinion, if this relationship doesn't work out, then it's certainly not because you threw it away.

And it's certainly not too late to call off the wedding. Maybe you and he will talk it out, but if it were me I'd still want time to work on the relationship before getting into a marriage. I sort of feel like if he were truly willing to change, he'd have realized the severity of his decisions back when you "caught" him the first time and he totally denied it. At that point, should have been "Oh no....I've let this go too far and I'm going to lose her if I don't stop". But he didn't stop.....and that makes me doubt him. There's also a chance he'll turn it around and the focus will end up being "you violated my privacy". My ex did that to me (even though he gave me his password and I was legitimately on his email with no purpose of snooping when I discovered months and months of cheating.) In other words, he may turn the blame on you, but truly if he does it it will be just because he's angry he was caught. Regardless, don't lose touch with that intuition. It may not tell you exactly what you want to hear, but if you truly listen to it, it won't do you wrong.