[emotional]

Okay, so I set up this appointment with my therapist that I have already seen once. Today's appointment is supposed to be with the both of us. When I told him about it last night, he was quick to respond that he doesn't want to see the old woman. I'm guessing because she already knows what's going on and he looks like the bad guy. I told him it could be his last chance, and he said it wasn't his last chance, it was mine, as if this whole thing is my problem. Grrrrr. Then later last night he told me that I should just leave if I don't love him. I will always love him. We have built a life together. We have a child. We have a big history. I feel I can't deal with him, or live with him anymore, but I can't say I don't love him. I know its not the kind of love he wants right now. I'm so crushed. I'm feeling like this is all my fault. I feel like not only is he punishing me, but I'm punishing myself. This is the worst thing besides death that anyone can go through. In fact death my be easier, because the tough decision is made by a higher power. This decision is weighing so heavily on my shoulders that it's not only affecting my family, it's affecting my health.

[KMonte85]

If he's apprehensive because he thinks your therapist will be biased against him, would you be willing to see a neutral marriage counsellor? One that hasn't seen either of you yet? If that's his only gripe, I guess I can sort of see where he's coming from... but if it is just an excuse to not go to ANY therapy, then there may be a larger issue pointing towards his willingness to try to change what went wrong. I would still make sure he goes with you to the appt you set up, it won't hurt and it may open his eyes to how you've been feeling.

You both have to WANT to stay married and work it out. Counselling will help some, it will help you to figure out what you want in your relationship, but it won't save a marriage if one or both people in that marriage are checked out already and just looking for a way to get out - either him or you. At that point, the purpose of the therapy should shift from saving the marriage, to coming to terms with the end of it so both parties can part amicably, without resentment/guilt/blame.

In any case, you shouldn't feel guilt or take the blame for where your relationship is now. There are two people in a marriage, and both parties carry responsibility to the success of their relationship. If it falls apart, in almost every case, it is not the fault of just one person.

Keep telling yourself that you are a beatiful person, you are doing the best you can, and you deserve to be happy as much as anyone else does. Because its the truth. Times are tough now, but it will get better if you don't punish yourself and allow yourself to be happy and healthy. Keep looking towards the future and how you want it to be.

Best of luck, keep us all posted on how you're doing!

[emotional]

Feeling Trapped

Been married 14 years, together 16. Do to some things he has down over the past years, I have slowly fallen out of love with him this past year. We have a 6 yr old daughter. Now I feel totally trapped. He knows how to push my buttons to scare me. I feel like if I stay I'll never be truly happy and will be in misery, but if I leave, he'll put me through H with custody battles. I can't stand the thought of losing out on part of our daughters life. She is everything to me & I never wanted to her go through this. I never wanted to go through this. What do I do? No matter which direction I go, I'm sure it'll be H for at least the next 12 years. Our daughter deserves a happy life.

[rcoreyus]

If you are unhappy, what is he getting out of the relationship? Why doesn't he just want a divorce?

[sourpuss]

Eventually you're daughter will know that you are unhappy and it will affect her negatively. You'd also be teaching her to stay in bad relationships.

[kygirl]

I agree with Sourpuss... Divorce is a rough thing regardless but you don't want to teach her to stay in a relationship that makes her feel trapped....

[emotional]

I have thought about that over and over again. In fact my grandma stayed with my step-grandpa even after years of verbal abuse until he past away. I feel that's part of the reason I feel I should stay. I feel awful. My daughter is everything to me and I can't stand the thought of missing out on her life every other weekend, and even weeks at a time in the summer. Family is extremely important to me. He tells me if I don't love him anymore, then he doesn't want me to stay. The problem is, if I leave, he's going to fight me with custody. I know it's not fair to do this to him, but it's also not fair for me to not be happy. It's not like I'm taking her away from him. I've told him, he can see her everyday, but that's not enought for him. He wants her all the time. I don't know if he'll fight for full custody, but the thought of being away from her is killing me. It's also killing me at the thought of staying. I've talked to therapists, and she told me to make a cons list of staying and leaving, then to put a weight from 1 - 100 lbs and total the amount of weight I'd be carrying. I've done that, and of course anything to do with my daughter I put 100lbs ea. The total came out to be more weight to stay, but then I think back and really those items concerning her, could be 200 - 250 lbs. I'm so torn. My daughter is my life and I only want the best for her. I feel like I'm going to be miserable either why. If I stay, I won't be happy and in love. If I leave, it'll be a non-stop custody battle which will not only stress me emotionally, but financially. How do people get through this custody stuff? How do they deal with being away from their children during holidays or even just any day? Is it worth it to leave? Is it worth all the pain and struggle?

[sourpuss]

Well, fortunately for you (and unfortunately for her dad) mothers are always given precedence in custody cases. No matter how terrible the mother may be, it's almost impossible to get her kid away from her.

In my opinion, you should leave, but that's for you to decide. But I do think that you do need to have a life outside of you daughter. Every parent needs alone time and adult time. So having shared custody isn't all bad. It's not ideal, but it doesn't have to be negative.

[WildChild]

Well, fortunately for you (and unfortunately for her dad) mothers are always given precedence in custody cases. No matter how terrible the mother may be, it's almost impossible to get her kid away from her.

This really isn't true in all states. I know several women who found that out and they weren't awful mothers at all. They are paying child support too.

In my opinion, you should leave, but that's for you to decide. But I do think that you do need to have a life outside of you daughter. Every parent needs alone time and adult time. So having shared custody isn't all bad. It's not ideal, but it doesn't have to be negative.

Talk to an attorney. Many do a free initial consultation. Get your questions written out and find out what you can expect.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I have thought about that over and over again. In fact my grandma stayed with my step-grandpa even after years of verbal abuse until he past away. I feel that's part of the reason I feel I should stay.

We live in a different world to that of our grandparents.

They stayed because it was "expected" regardless...

If your husband is abusing you emotionally, verballyl, then your daughter is seeing this and as such, she is not going to grow up in a healthy environment.

She is seeing your anquish daily as it is.

Your husband probably doesn't believe that you "will" let him see his daughter, he needs a reality check, tell him you will have a lawyer draw up 50/50 custody, in writing, because you mean it. It's got nothing to do with the pair of you, rather ensuring your daughter has a healthy up-bringing with both parents in her life, just because you two can't get along anymore.

Tell him to stop thinking of himself, or you, or the pair of you and that this is a discussion purely of what is best for your daughter and that is, for both parents to have access and for her to know both of you equially throughout her life.

He probably thinks if he wears you down enough, you'll be too weak to fight.

You won't will you..

CW