[Hopeless Dork]

The reports are really just a bandaid to the issue, hun. There is no way to prevent him from looking at what he wants to look at. He can divert those programs, he can use magazines or videos or stop off at a porn arcade, he can visit strip clubs on his lunch break, look for hook ups in local personal ads, he can browse porn and dating sites on his phone, on his gaming device. if he wants it... one little reporter on his laptop isn't going to stop him.

I'm not trying to scare you into paranoia.... I'm just saying that you guys need to work on this together in a way that isn't just 'grounding him' from porn or he gets a note sent to his mom type situation. One, its going to make him feel like a baby, even if he suggested it.

If you want to believe him that he's stopped, you shouldn't need a program, because a program won't prove he's stopped anyway. There are millions of ways for porn to be accessed in this day and age and its really just giving you a false sense of security, and could almost be a 'that'll shut her up' diversion from the real issues. Why he felt the need to do it, comforting you in what it did or didn't mean to him and how he thinks he can cope with out it, and can he truly or is he lying to you... or even himself?

[kaz83]

He isn't very technical and lives with his mum and dad, it's just internet, I wouldn't mind him looking at the odd mag or even film but the internet scares me because there is someone on the other end!

I know there is always a way, I smoke, if he took my ciggy's and said stop smoking or i'll leave you then i would just go and buy some more! I get your point!

I'm just going to have to give him a bit of trust and let him prove to me he wants me and that he can/has stopped!

[PandaPaws]

I am nearly 1 year into our relationship and got engaged in December 2009, 2 weeks ago I checked his e-mails and found he was sending naked pics of his private parts to girls and sending really dirty messages, I also searched his e-mail addresses and found he was on about 10 different dating/chat/webcam/porn sites. He joined some 2 weeks before he asked me to marry him, some after and some 2 months ago.
He said it's like it's not real online, he get's an ego boost, he can be someone else online. He said it was a habit he couldn't kick as he had been doing it for years and had been single for a long time before he met me.
I took my engagement ring off!
I said it made me feel like I wasn't pleasuring him, or he didn't find me attractive.

He said It has stopped now because he doesn't want to lose me but I just don't know if I can trust him.

I love him so much.

HOLY BEJESUS - are we dating the same guy?? J/k, but I mean REALLY, I felt like I was reading my own post, that I hadn't written! With the exception of the proposal...

It's been 3, almost 4 months since I found out about his other life, and, I'm not gonna lie, it's tough. I think about it every day. Some days are better than others. I know he is trying, most of the time, now, but I still feel like he's a bit secretive sometimes, because he feels that I invaded his privacy, which yes, I did, but I think in order for me to trust him, he needs to be completely OPEN with me now... hiding anything makes me feel like he's doing something he shouldn't, and I really don't see any room for that now. We've been together 2.5 years, I WAS waiting for a ring, for like a year, only to find out at least the first year and a half of our relationship was basically a lie.

So anyway, I AM trying to give him a chance to prove himself to me, that he loves me and will be 100% FAITHFUL to me. Like I said, he is really trying, but sometimes I think when he does something nice, he feels like he deserves an award, and then everything should be okay with us because he made some effort. I LOVE when he does or says nice things, but I feel like that's how a good relationship should be, all the time, and for us right now I feel like he NEEDS to be doing things nice to me in order for me to stay, to try and dig himself out of the LARGE doghouse he's built, and it is going to take a long time before I really feel secure. I honestly just don't know if I'll ever fully trust him. He says I can, but he has had no problem lying to me in the past, so how do I know he's telling the truth, and how will I know if he's hiding it from me later? I don't know. Like you, I had no idea before and thought our relationship was great. But when I found out all that, it was unlike anything I've ever felt before. It was like WHO IS THIS MAN? And no one else knows it either. I wonder what his parents or friends would think about this side of him... Anyway, we've talked extensively about it, but then he could only take so much and now he gets mad anytime I bring it up, like it should have been so easy for me to get over or something. Obviously it's not, but I'm left to internalize it (which I'm horrible with), hence why I'm vomitting it up all over your thread... sorry

Are you ready to say "I DO" to someone that did that to you? That is something that I think about. While we are NOT engaged, I do think about it, and would I be 100% sure that this guy is going to treat me right? I don't know. I'm hoping I will figure it out one of these days... I don't know if he's able/willing to give me the amount of reassurance I need in order to stick with him. Yes I am needy, but heck, he MADE me this way! I do love him, as you do your man. But I take marriage very seriously, and I feel like he still has a LOT of proving to do if he wants to marry me. And then I think is there someone else out there who WILL treat me right? Probably. I know I'm a great catch...

Good luck to you!

Sorry I don't have much advice on how to get over it, I wish knew what to do.

[PandaPaws]

The reports are really just a bandaid to the issue, hun. There is no way to prevent him from looking at what he wants to look at. He can divert those programs, he can use magazines or videos or stop off at a porn arcade, he can visit strip clubs on his lunch break, look for hook ups in local personal ads, he can browse porn and dating sites on his phone, on his gaming device. if he wants it... one little reporter on his laptop isn't going to stop him.

I'm not trying to scare you into paranoia.... I'm just saying that you guys need to work on this together in a way that isn't just 'grounding him' from porn or he gets a note sent to his mom type situation. One, its going to make him feel like a baby, even if he suggested it.

If you want to believe him that he's stopped, you shouldn't need a program, because a program won't prove he's stopped anyway. There are millions of ways for porn to be accessed in this day and age and its really just giving you a false sense of security, and could almost be a 'that'll shut her up' diversion from the real issues. Why he felt the need to do it, comforting you in what it did or didn't mean to him and how he thinks he can cope with out it, and can he truly or is he lying to you... or even himself?

Yeah, the phone thing bothers me too - I have no idea what he does on there, but I know he COULD do anything. While I know my guy still looks at porn - even though he KNOWS how much it bothers me, (nice huh?) - I have decided I am going to TRY to learn to live with that AS LONG AS there is NO contact with ANY girls. But I am still scared that he will revert back to his old habits. It is SO hard to trust. I never would have imagined I would be with a guy who would do this to me - and HIM? Of all my relationships, I thought he loved me more than that... sigh.

Sorry for hijacking your thread Kaz83, but I've thought about starting my own, just didn't have the courage, so I just decided to jump into yours...

[kaz83]

No worries Pandapaws, We are both in the same situation and to be hoest I was pleased (well not pleased for you) that someone is going through the same kind of thing!
It makes you feel sick doesn't it, makes you feel ugly, like you aren't pleasuring them enough!

We have spoken about everything in detail and he said 'I am pleased it's all out in the open now' he lets me ask anything I want about it and I have full access to his laptop and phone (we live in very rural Spain so there are no porn arcades, strip clubs, local personal ads etc)

He know's I am not putting the ring back on until I feel ready BUT this gives us another issue in that he wont mention anything to his parents (who pay for his dongle and internet!!!!!!) I can't stay at his house because my stuff was showing in the webcam photo's! My parents know everything.

It's such a mess, i feel like i'm living someone else's life because this can't be mine, a month ago I was engaged, planning my wedding for nexy year, had a man who I love more than I knew I could feel love!

[kaz83]

you can carry on with this thread if you want or start your own

[CHANDLERS WISH]

you can carry on with this thread if you want or start your own

Panda, what a nice answer kaz83 gave to you above


I think that as it's your own problem, you should start a new one, always, almost always, there are different issues that we as members need to consider about a situation

Don't be afraid, off you go..................

kaz.. I think he wants to change and loves you if he didn't he wouldn't have offered for a way in which to try to give it up, it has been part of his life for along time but obviously he does not want to lose you...

Try it and see where it goes..

If you have a great sex life and great communication and laugh, then you have something to work towards.

CW

[tooconfused4words]

He may want to change...I suspect he does. But my advice would be that you not put up with anything that you are not willing to tolerate long term. Life issues get more stressful as you get married and get older and children, jobs, bills, baby weight and life in general comes in between. Someone who is dealing with this sort of thing at this stage of the relationship will likely be dealing with this issue again in ten years and again in twenty years if the porn etc is his go-to stress reliever. I really don't want to push you one way or the other but my experience has been that the things I tolerated too easily and tried to give him space to grow through early in our relationship are the very same things we are still dealing with nearly 22 years later. I hate that I feel this way, but looking back now I know I should have bailed out of this relationship a long time ago...before kids and dogs and bills and the same heartaches over and over again. (I got the best he had to offer...two great kids! I will never regret them...I just regret I stayed and stayed when I should have run for the hills...)

Everyone has to forge their own path in life. Do whats best for you. I really do wish you the best.

[PandaPaws]

He may want to change...I suspect he does. But my advice would be that you not put up with anything that you are not willing to tolerate long term. Life issues get more stressful as you get married and get older and children, jobs, bills, baby weight and life in general comes in between. Someone who is dealing with this sort of thing at this stage of the relationship will likely be dealing with this issue again in ten years and again in twenty years if the porn etc is his go-to stress reliever. I really don't want to push you one way or the other but my experience has been that the things I tolerated too easily and tried to give him space to grow through early in our relationship are the very same things we are still dealing with nearly 22 years later. I hate that I feel this way, but looking back now I know I should have bailed out of this relationship a long time ago...before kids and dogs and bills and the same heartaches over and over again. (I got the best he had to offer...two great kids! I will never regret them...I just regret I stayed and stayed when I should have run for the hills...)

Everyone has to forge their own path in life. Do whats best for you. I really do wish you the best.

That is my biggest fear. Repeat behavior, and then years down the road saying "I should have known better." I have told him that though, and he says I can trust him... Time will tell. I hope and pray he is being HONEST with me and will keep his word.
And, obviously I know it's easier said than done, but it's never too late to leave if you are unhappy.

[tooconfused4words]

Well, what I have learned is that if someone is showing you who they are...or you discover who they are...and you choose to ignore it (perhaps believing you are special enough to change it???), the hurt you feel is at least partially self-inflicted.

There are two sayings I keep close to me heart:

"If someone shows you who they are, believe them!"
and
"He that's cheated twice by the same man is an accomplice with the cheater”

I really do hope it all works out as it should for you! *hugs*