[ItsASecret]

um can somebody pleses explain the difference of 'addiction to porn ' and 'someone who enjoys it'???

An addiction is something that impedes on daily life because of their choice to partake in the addiction over other things. Examples: choosing porn instead of showering, making dinner (instead waiting for wifey to do it even if he has been home all day and able to), not going out with friends, choosing porn time and time again instead of having sex with a more than willingly SO, having a high credit card bill from all the downloaded porn, watching porn and ending up late for work all the time, continuously watching porn at work instead of doing their required work. Social, personal, and financial consequences because of the addiction at hand. This type of description applies to all addictions, it is only an addiction when it interferes with daily life.

"Enjoying it" pretty much sums up anyone else who watches it without it overtaking their lives. "The models are smokin hot so I watch", "I love seeing many women", "I love seeing huge boobs even though I still love my SO's smaller ones", "I cannot get that kind of sex with my SO so I watch other people do it", "I just like the fantasy", "I like getting ideas", "My SO does not want to have sex with me so I watch it to help me jack", "It takes too long to jack if I am just using thoughts and not visual aids", " I just like porn". This list can be long, pretty much as many things you can think of can all fall into a simple shrug of the shoulders saying yes I enjoy porn.

[rcoreyus]

I also think that most addicts (of all types) are aware of their own problems but feel powerless to stop. If you have never had an addition is is very difficult to understand this sort of compulsion.

How you chooses to react to someone who watches porn (addicted or not ) is your own choice. I think some people can enjoy occasional porn as part of a happy relationship, other can not. As always I compare it to Alcohol - occasional drinking with a friend is fine, finding yourself in the gutter with a bottle of Thuderbird isn't.

[Elle81]

Another porn post... but i do need help!

Hi all!

I have been reading posts on the forums for some time but this is my first post. I've been moved to post after reading comments concerning partners watching porn and i have my own problem.

I have been with my partner for 2 years, we're engaged to be married next year. A few months ago i stumbled across some pretty graphic porn sites my fiance had been visiting (although as someone who has never looked at porn i'm not sure at all if they were more graphic than most). It really shook me up and i had to talk to him about it. We discussed it and he told me that he watches it as a means of feeling better about himself (shape, size etc) as he was once mocked by 'friends' during high school about the aforementioned. He is NORMAL and i have always been very happy with his physical attributes and told him so :P

Yesterday i noticed porn in the computer history. He'd been looking again. Let me clarify, i am not at all opposed to porn and am very open-minded about ways to improve our sex life. But i feel i want sex more than my fiance and feel he never wants to have sex with me. He's a Lawyer, works long hours and so we never have sex except on weekends which i think is a real shame.
My question is why, if he is having erotic thoughts during the week, is he not looking to have sex with ME and instead watching porn!!? I'm really very consfused and feeling very neglected. I've never turned away from the opportunity to have sex so it's not as if he is being refused and needs to seek satisfaction elsewhere.

Please, help me? Advice from guys and girls is very much appreciated.

[JustHormonious]

But i feel i want sex more than my fiance and feel he never wants to have sex with me. He's a Lawyer, works long hours and so we never have sex except on weekends which i think is a real shame.

You need to talk to him about this again, let him know what you need and want out of your relationship. If you are having these problems before marriage, it will not change after the "I Do". If you have no issues with the porn, tell him you would like him to share it with you. As you can see from the many posts, this can become a problem.

My question is why, if he is having erotic thoughts during the week, is he not looking to have sex with ME and instead watching porn!!?

Quick release, only has one person to satisfy, himself.

[rcoreyus]

I think the issue is not the porn, but rather choosing the porn over you. Suggest to him that when he feels like watching porn, he ask to have sex with you instead, and only watch if you turn him down. Make it clear to him what choice he is making.

[Elle81]

Thanks to both of you,

When i posted the link i was still a little fragile about the situation. Now i've had time to consider the situation and the helpful comments you've shared and am going to sit down with him and talk about it. Given his past i'd not be surprised if some body confidence issues are still at play, (which to me is ridiculous as he's gorgeous ). But as you've brought up Just Harmonius, this issue won't go away after we get married, of that i am completely realistic, and i want to work through all of the issues we may have now and in the future so that we continue to have a great relationship.

Relationships can be difficult to navigate and we are all entitled to a bit of privacy within them but if something negatively affects the other person, we have a duty to ourselves and the partner to remain open and honest for the benefit of the relationship. And that is what i'm endevouring to develop.

[Guest]

Not to be a smart *** but, insert the word "porn' for"shopping" and the tables are turned...

[melsand]

I know! I love my boyfriend with everything in me, but I just HATE him for what he has done. I think it is gross and if he could just stop this one thing, he would be perfect.

In my opinion, it is the same as cheating. The fact that you want to see someone ELSE other than your partner is just wrong. You say that you love them? You don't. And that's the end of it. If you did, you wouldn't get a hard on for someone else. For me, I can see David Beckham and not feel a thing because I love my boyfriend and I only want to see him. It's not like we don't have sex a lot, my sex drive is high. So WHY LOOK AT PORN WHEN I'M LYING IN BED WAITING FOR YOU?! I JUST DON'T GET IT. It's fu**ing bullsh*t to me.

[rcoreyus]

I think it is possible to be in love, but still attracted to other people. How you act on the attraction is what is important.

If he is watching porn when is SO is available, then I consider that to be a problem.

[Fleur]

Porn porn porn

Hi everyone. I am new here and found this site searching for how other women deal with this subject. I know the original post was posted last year, but as it shows current posts I thought I would post here. My story is actually quite similar to Elle81's - I initially felt like this "Let me clarify, i am not at all opposed to porn and am very open-minded about ways to improve our sex life. But i feel i want sex more than my fiance and feel he never wants to have sex with me. He's a Lawyer, works long hours and so we never have sex except on weekends which i think is a real shame. My question is why, if he is having erotic thoughts during the week, is he not looking to have sex with ME and instead watching porn!!? I'm really very consfused and feeling very neglected. I've never turned away from the opportunity to have sex so it's not as if he is being refused and needs to seek satisfaction elsewhere."

Before we got married (two years ago) I knew he liked porn and I liked it occasionally as well. The difference between us (which has become increasingly evident) is that he seems able to consume a never ending diet of it. For me, porn serves a purpose - if he is away and I need some "relief", I'll look at some porn, masturbate and go on to something else. With him, it seems like a continuous drip feed, and every time I go out of the room he switches from working on his computer to surfing porn on his computer.

I really don't think a little bit of porn now and then is a big deal. The "problem" as I see it anyways, is that because he looks at porn so much he has become desensitised and the stuff he watches has gotten increasingly extreme. He went from regular couple sex, to two guys on one girl, then to lesbian, then to gangbangs, then to cuckold/wife sharing, then double penetration, then fisting, etcetera ad nauseum. Last winter I was sending a file from his computer and when I went to recent documents, up came bestiality photos. Women and dogs, women and horses.

Before that, I really hadn't said much. I did at one point (before we got married) say that I thought 40+ year old men looking at "barely legal" stuff was inappropriate, especially if these men have daughters themselves (as he does). I have a daughter who is 22. The idea that someone 4 years younger than her (or 4 years older than his daughter) could be legally making decisions to make films like that was honestly, quite horrifying. Anyway, we had a discussion and I said "you know, I am a really open-minded person but shouldn't there be some restraint? Some empathy for these poor misguided children that are engaging in such a soul destroying activity at such a young age? (Yeah, I know, dramatic!): These are MY boundaries: I am not comfortable with you watching anything with teens and bestiality is (of course) out of the question. Apart from that, have at it." He agreed. We also agreed that if the other person was home or home that evening that we wouldn't "get off" without giving the other person first option. If one or the other of us was away on business overnight, go for it, whack it 'til you drop, whatever, not a big deal. That's pretty open-minded and civilised isn't it? We got married about a year later.

I am nosy. I admit it. I am also a computer genius, so if I want to find something (even if he uses private browser and file shredders) I can find it. I do occasionally look through his computer because I am nosy and controlling and don't respect his privacy (I am saying this to save anyone else from needing to. I get it, I am an awful person. Deal with it, moving on.)

Well, the teen thing is pretty much impossible to avoid. The vast majority of porn out there is late teens (or made to look like it). So when I saw that stuff on his computer I didn't say anything. But women and dogs? Women and horses? Serious agreement breaker. I confronted him and we went to a counsellor to discuss whether or not he a)has an addiction b)what each of our boundaries were.

Where am I headed? I don't know!!! I love him. He is a good husband. A good communicator. His sex drive is what I consider on the low normal side. We have sex about twice a week, which is not enough for me (and yes I have said I would like sex more often). But he is obviously interested in sex as he watches porn non-stop. I get the whole compartmentalisation of men's brains. That for a lot of men, sex is a physical act, not an emotional one. I guess I just don't understand how a human being can find the degradation of women okay. Some porn is really quite awful, the women are acting like they are enjoying it, (but any woman watching it can easily see it's an act), so it's for the money, and according to research I have done, average pay a teenager gets for a 20 minute porn video is $500 - and that's if she does bareback anal. What a legacy to leave on the web. To me, all of that is just plain sad, and I don't get how the man I love, who has a daughter approaching that age, can watch that without empathy. And the bestiality stuff? How can something so depraved be a turn on?

I realise I have written a novel here, and I apologise. I think maybe I just needed to get this off my chest. I don't really think there is a "solution" except for me to just not care what he looks at and move my computer checks from occasionally to never. Maybe I just need to say "F-ck it. Do what you want. I don't care." But I do care. I want the inner decency to match the outer. So I am back to "There is no solution."

If anyone has read this far without nodding off, feel free to offer advice, admonishment, condemnation, whatever. Thanks.