[JustHormonious]

I'm sorry I didn't realize that you had your own place. If he has pending charges for domestic violence, do you have an active restraining order against him?

[karenshiver]

No restraining order. There was another incident in Nevada (when we were visiting my parents for Christmas) and the hotel casino (where we were staying at) called security and they arrested him. He spent 12 hours in jail. The trial is still pending... he has not received a conviction yet.

[JustHormonious]

Did you press charges? He has to be held accountable for his actions.

[karenshiver]

No. But, I told the police what he did to me and they believed me. He lied to the police... he said he had only covered my mouth with his hand (which was the one thing he did not do), and that was enough for them to arrest him. But, I told the police the truth. You do not understand... I am financially dependent on him... he told me that if I press charges, he will take me down with him... he will take all of the money away from me... I do not want to be homeless and without food... he has me over a barrel right now... and, if I press charges and he loses his job, then it will hurt me... I was not trying to protect him when I did not press charges... I was trying to protect myself... my father is an ex-cop and he also told me to do this... he told me not to press charges until I had a job and could pay my own way... I hope you can understand how afraid I am... I do not leave because I love him and because I am financially dependent on him... he has the job, he has the money, he has the car... he moved me to Colorado and I am isolated here, without any friends or family or money or anything. I am in a lot of pain right now and I feel broken and I do not know what to do.

[JustHormonious]

I'm not passing judgment on you. You have done what you have felt you needed to do, sometimes we let fear paralyze us. Right now you have the upper hand in my opinion. You live in your own home and that means you do not have to open the door, if you don't want to... Is the lease in your name? You can turn this around if you want to. You have to make the decision are you staying or are you going.

[karenshiver]

I am not sure if I am staying or I am going... he really hurt me... and, I wish I could say I did not love him and I cannot wait to leave him, but, I am hurting so much... my heart is really broken... yes, the lease is in my name... and, yes, I feel safe right now... I am so glad he canceled our December 26, 2010 wedding... I am so happy I am not married to him and that I do not live with him... I am in my own home... and, I feel free and safe right now... even though I do not own a car and I cannot leave the house easily (because I have no money for taxi cab service), I still feel free.

He is threatening me... he is telling me that if I do not call him and apologize for being jealous and for asking him to stop seeing Maria, then he is going to lock me out of the bank account and not pay my rent in February... I am really afraid... I am not going to call him... but, I am scared.

[karenshiver]

If I get a job soon, I might be able to turn all of this around... but, I will still be broken-hearted... all of my dreams of a life with him are shattered... first, my marriage ends... then, my husband dies (I had hopes of a reconciliation with my husband), and, now my fiance is hitting me and cheating on me and I have no hope of a future with him... I feel so alone and hopeless and I feel as if God has abandoned me. Brian hit me when I confronted him about his emotional affair... not once did he say he was sorry for anything or that he wanted only me... he was only concerned about losing Maria... and he will never have Maria (she is getting married to another man this year and is having this other man's baby)... so, Brian has lost his first choice (Maria) and his second choice (me)... he threw away a 10-year relationship for a woman he has never even had one date with, a woman who does not even want him, and, he has hit me three times since Thanksgiving and wanted to hit me last night (but he stopped himself)... he has not even called today... I guess I made a mistake giving Brian my heart.

[JustHormonious]

Karen - The most important thing that you can do today is love yourself enough to walk away. You are not being punished by God. Where do you think all of this anger is coming from? You have been with him for 10 years, when did this start?

[karenshiver]

I do not understand the heart and mind of an abuser... therefore, I do not understand why he is so angry. I just know, through the help of my domestic violence counselors, that it is not my fault. A normal, loving man would not have beat me with a belt when I caught him cheating with his co worker. It is not my fault that he fell in love with another woman and wanted to date her instead of me. I know this now. He actually told me yesterday that he thought of himself as a nice guy... he said I was lucky to have him and did not know what I had in him and that he would do anything for me and that he would do anything to make me happy... what a joke! And, then he screamed, repeatedly, on top of his lungs, "I am a nice guy, I am a nice guy, I am a nice guy!"

[karenshiver]

He says it is my fault he is so angry... he blames everything on me... he says he is a nice guy and he says I bring out the worst in him and that I am to blame for his violent outbursts... that if I were nice, like Maria, he would treat me like a princess and I would see how nice he was... excuse me, but telling me yesterday that he wanted to date Maria (while we were engaged) and that he had feelings for Maria is not a nice guy.